A Cowboy for Christmas (16 page)

Higher and higher she flew, her stomach rolling up and tumbling down with the back-and-forth motion. She glanced down from her lofty perch. The playground stretched out before her like a baking sheet lined with cookies, uniform rows between the sandbox, the jungle climber, the slide, teeter-totters, spring horses, the space whirl.

She kicked higher and higher, soaring toward the sky laden with moody gray clouds. A few minutes later she was whizzing so fast she could barely see Kyle in the sandbox below her. How things had gotten so complicated so fast?

For most of her life, she'd depended on others to give her direction, tell her which way to go. She'd made a talent of ignoring her own instincts, burying her needs. The only time she'd ever rebelled was when she'd dropped out of college to go to culinary school. How had she managed to gather up the courage for that insurrection? Why did she now feel so stymied? So unable to chose a path and walk down it?

Because this was about Kyle's future, whatever choice she made now would affect him for the rest of his life.

If Jake were here, he'd listen to his gut, and then pick the path he thought was right and never look back, and Lissette would have gone along for the ride.

But Jake was not here. He could not make this choice for her. It was time to claim her power, and accept the consequences that went along with it.

Tired of her own mental machinations, she glanced at her watch. It was just after nine. A moment later, her mother-in-law's silver Acura pulled into the playground parking space. She got out.

Lissette quit kicking her legs, allowing the swing to slow. By the time Claudia had picked her way across the lawn, she had come to a complete stop, her feet firmly planted in the sand.

“I was very happy to hear from you,” Claudia said, anxiously biting her lip. “I kept waiting for you to call to tell me how things went last week with Kyle's appointments.”

It took Lissette a minute to realize that her mother-in-law believed she was shutting her out, and in a way, perhaps she was. Nothing personal against Claudia, but when she was around it was difficult for Lissette to find her own strength. It's why Lissette hadn't called her. That and the fact her mind was filled with Rafferty and guilt.

“Oh! What happened to your hand?”

Lissette wasn't ready to get into the details, so she just kept her explanation short and to the point. “Cut it. Had to get stitches.”

“Goodness,” Claudia flattened her palm against her chest. “Why didn't you call me?”

“He loves the sandbox.” Lissette nodded at her son, who'd filled both hands with sand and was slowly letting the grains trickle through his fingers. “It's the first place he goes.”

“Do you need help with the emergency room bill? I know you have that horribly high deductible. What are you going to do about those medical bills?” Claudia fretted.

“I've got it under control.”

“If you need money, I can help. I've talked to Karen about letting me go full-time. She seemed amenable.” Claudia worked part-time in medical billing for a group of OB/GYNs. She surprised Lissette by sinking down on the swing next to her. Idly, she kicked her legs, setting the swing in motion.

Lissette launched her own swing again.

They swung in opposition. Lissette going forward as Claudia rolled back.

“I remember when Jake was his age.” Claudia nodded at Kyle.

The chains on the swings creaked in unison. Lissette said nothing.

“I would have done anything for him,” Claudia said, “done anything to protect him.” Her face turned fierce, her voice hardened. “I could have killed anyone who threatened Jake with my bare hands if need be.”

As a mother, Lissette completely understood where Claudia was coming from.
Hurt my kid, and I'm coming after you.
But the ruthlessness in Claudia's voice was startling.

“I can't strangle hearing loss,” Lissette mumbled.

Claudia's swing slowed. She spurred hers faster. They passed each other by, Lissette headed up, her mother-in-law sliding back.

“You need to fight this. Fight back.”

“Like you fought to keep Jake from reenlisting?” The second the words were out of her mouth, Lissette regretted them.

Claudia looked stricken. “Are you blaming me for Jake's death?”

The question settled into the dark quilt of clouds hanging low over the horizon. Her mother-in-law voiced the question that Lissette had been asking herself for months.

Did Claudia blame
her
for Jake's death because she'd been unable to keep him home?

They'd avoided the topic. Avoided anything to do with war. If a movie about soldiers came on the television, or the nightly news had a special report about the Middle East, either she or Claudia would casually, but quickly, change the channel. Whenever they drove over the Brazos River bridge together, neither of them looked at the water rushing below where they'd scattered Jake's ashes.

Now, Lissette realized they'd both been feeling guilty. Each thinking the other one held her accountable, both of them afraid to broach the subject for fear of hurting the other.

Should she say something first? Should she tell her mother-in-law that she suspected Jake was having an affair? Or should she keep the waters unruffled? The boat unrocked? Keep the mutual guilt and secrets and hurt and shame hidden away?

It would be so easy just to let things go. She had enough to worry about without digging up ghosts.

Lissette glanced down from her perch, seeking her son in the sandbox.

He wasn't there!

A moment of sheer terror kicked her heart and a spurt of hot adrenaline shot through her veins as momentum swung her backward, her gaze frantically searching the playground for him.

He'd just been there. How could he have disappeared so quickly?

She jumped right out of the moving swing. Hit the ground with both feet, the hard impact jolting up into her hip joints.

She whipped her head around. Desperation gripped her. “Kyle!” she almost cried out. Then remembered that he couldn't hear her. She clamped her lips tightly closed.

The loud rumble of an approaching diesel engine reached her ears. At last, she spied Kyle, and he was toddling for the street.

“K
yle!” Claudia's scream shattered the calm of the peaceful neighborhood. Her voice echoed out loud and long.

In that moment, it struck her as odd that Lissette had not screamed too and then she realized her daughter-in-law had already made adjustments for her son's deafness and instead of wasting time and energy hollering, she sprinted for the street at a dead run. How swiftly it had happened, Lissy's practical acceptance of the thing she could not change.

Lissette snagged the hood of Kyle's sweater, yanking her son back from the curb at the same time a red pickup truck halted in the middle of the street. Even as relief and gratitude pushed through Claudia, something darker brewed inside her. Something she was highly ashamed of.

Envy.

That green putrid bile at the crux of Claudia's greatest misdeed.

She was jealous that it had taken Lissette little more than a week to come to terms with her child's deafness. To Claudia, it seemed almost callous to recover so rapidly.

The door of the pickup opened and a cowboy got out, tall, lanky, handsome as the devil.

Instantly, her jealousy evaporated, replaced by stone-cold terror. She was staring at a ghost.

Up close, Rafferty Jones looked so much like his father had at that age. A gray Stetson sat perched atop his head. He was slightly bowlegged, just as Gordon had been, and he moved with a silent grace toward Lissette. When he reached her, he lowered his head to murmur something in her ear and touched her shoulder in a tender gesture as she clutched hard to Kyle.

Claudia's baby was gone and Amelia Jones's was here. Not only here but he was looking at Jake's wife and child with incredible tenderness, as if they were
his
wife and child.

Her hands curled into fists as hard as crabapples.

And the truly awful thing was that Lissette was looking at him the same way. In a way she'd never quite looked at Jake. The same way she'd looked at Rafferty the night Claudia had seen them together through Lissy's French doors.

How long had this been going on?

Claudia knew then that she was in serious jeopardy of losing the two things she held most dear—her daughter-in-law and her grandson.

She slapped a palm over her mouth. Her entire body shook.

Rafferty lifted his head, met her gaze.

Panic was a corkscrew, twisting deep into her center. She wanted to run, but her feet were rooted to the spot as in a nightmare when the nameless monster is upon you.

Maybe that's all this was.

A nightmare.

Rafferty stepped away from Lissette, and came toward her.

Wake up, Claudia. Wake up.

Everything slowed, intensified.

In a surreal instant, she saw him how he'd been, a solemn two-year-old, wearing nothing but a diaper and staring at her with accusing eyes. The same dark eyes that were stabbing her now.

Claudia struggled to swallow the hard knot of bile blocking her esophagus, but her throat seized, froze. A thin whistle of air slipped between her lips. She wondered if this was what it felt like to be found guilty in a court of law. If even after the verdict was read, the jury's scalding eyes passing outraged and righteous judgment, you would stand there swaying on your trembling knees, your mind blank as if your body understood something your brain could not.

Guilty. Time to pay the price for your sins.

He was upon her, hand extended, his mouth curving into a smile.

A smile.

He was smiling at her.

For one brief moment joyous relief bloomed in her heart. He forgave her. She'd been forgiven.

“Hi,” he said. “I'm Rafferty Jones.”

And then she realized he had no idea who she was.

“This is my mother-in-law, Claudia Moncrief,” Lissette said.

Rafferty's smile stumbled. Failed.

A whip of rage lashed Claudia—black and red and hot as Satan. Rage just as fierce as it had been on that day twenty-seven years ago when she'd found Amelia's letter tucked in Gordon's hip pocket as she was stuffing his dirty jeans into the laundry.

The smile was gone, but his hand stayed extended.

Shake his hand. Say hello.

But she could not. She would not!

“Mom, this is Rafferty,” Lissette continued the blasphemous introductions. “Gordon's son. He's staying in my garage apartment and training Slate to compete in the futurity. He's been there for the past ten days. I wanted to tell you earlier, but I didn't know how to bring it up.”

Mom?

How dare Lissette call her Mom under these circumstances when she'd blindsided her with this man?

Hold up, old gal, she didn't blindside you. This is it. Your chance for redemption. You can confess, get it all off your chest. Make peace. Make your way to forgiveness. Get whole. Get good. Straighten everything out.

But if she did that, then they'd know the truth about her. They'd know her shame and she'd be rejected. Disconnected from her loved ones. She couldn't tolerate being that vulnerable. That wounded.

“Gordon's son, Gordon's
only
son, is dead.” Claudia spit out the words cold as obsidian pebbles.

Rafferty stood unmoving, that hand still outthrust.

Claudia batted it away. A smart smack. Her palm slapping against his knuckles.

“Mom!” Lissette's shocked gasp punched a hole in the dreary air.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. Please, forgive me. I've lost everything. I'm damaged. I'm hurting Rafferty because I've been hurt
.

But that's not what Claudia said. Fear hardened her eyes, shrunk her heart, twisted her brain, kidnapped what she really wanted to say. “I am not your mom. And as long as you have anything to do with this man, I do not want to have anything to do with you.”

Chapter Fourteen

A
sick feeling, heavy and insistent, curled tight against Lissette's rib cage. Four days had passed since that awful encounter at the park but she still could not forget that hateful expression on Claudia's face and the awful things she'd said. She'd never seen this alarming side of her mother-in-law.

“Lissy?”

She blinked, looked over at her friend Mariah. They were sitting in the back room of the The Bride Wore Cowboy Boots, coordinating the details for an upcoming wedding. Rafferty had taken Claudia's reaction in stride. “You can't really blame her,” he'd said. “Look at it from her point of view. I'm her worst nightmare. She thinks you've replaced Jake with me.”

In a way, wasn't that precisely what she'd done? That notion unsettled her almost as much as her mother-in-law's behavior. She'd left Kyle with Mariah's babysitter because she wasn't about to call Claudia after her cold announcement in the park. She was absentmindedly doodling on a piece of notebook paper, drawing pictures of wedding cakes.

“Uh-huh?”

“You're a million miles away.”

She gave Mariah a rueful smile. “I'm sorry.”

Mariah laid a hand on Lissette's forearm. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Lissette sighed. “It's Claudia.” Briefly, she updated Mariah on what was going on between her and her mother-in-law.

“This is a tough time for you both.”

“I know.”

“I can't imagine what Claudia is going through, losing a son.”

“I agree, but the way she treated Rafferty was inexcusable. She slapped his hand, Mariah.”

“That doesn't sound like Claudia. She must be out of her head with grief.”

“I know, but she's cutting me off because I'm associating with Rafferty. I can't deny that it hurts, but Kyle is the one who is truly suffering. He loves his grandmother so much.”

“Have you considered asking Rafferty to leave?”

Lissette hardened her chin. “He already suggested that, but he's done nothing wrong. She owes him an apology, and even if he left town, this rift between us isn't going to be so easily cleared up.”

“You certainly don't need this on top of everything else.”

“Exactly.” Lissette fussed with the sheet of notebook paper, curling up one corner around her index finger.

“Still, it would go a long way to repairing the damage if Rafferty left town.”

Lissette met Mariah's eyes. “He's teaching Kyle sign language and training Slate and helping me expand my business.”

“It's more than just that, isn't it?” Mariah's voice softened.

Helpless, Lissette nodded. It
was
more than just that. She did not want Rafferty to leave town, and that worried her most of all.

“You like him.”

“Far more than I should,” she admitted.

“Wow. That's sticky.”

“Yeah.”

Mariah pushed back from the table and got to her feet. She was a bundle of energy and couldn't sit still for very long. “So from a purely objective view, to keep the peace you could simply hire someone else to train Slate and I could help you with your business.”

“Yes, but I don't know anyone else who could teach Kyle sign language.”

“You're going to send him to school for that.”

“He's Kyle's uncle, and Rafferty's deaf foreman is giving me insight into the condition.”

“And didn't you tell me that the foreman was pressuring you to educate Kyle the way he thinks your son should be educated?”

Lissette nibbled her thumbnail. “No more than Claudia is pressuring me to teach him lipreading instead of sign language.”

“Oh,” Mariah said, her eyes widening as if something had just occurred to her.

“What is it?”

“I finally get what's going on here. You don't want to keep the peace.”

“What?” Lissette shook her head.

“You don't
want
to smooth things over with Claudia.”

“Of course I do.”

Mariah gave a delighted laugh.

She frowned. “What's so funny?”

“I think it's wonderful, Lissy. You're always so worried about what everyone else thinks that you bury your own needs and keep your opinions to yourself. I think it's a good thing that you're not letting Claudia bully you into sending Rafferty away.”

“She's not bullying me. You should have seen her. She looked completely shattered, Mariah. She was just lashing out.”

“The answer is easy enough.”

Lissette stared at her. “And that is?”

“What do
you
really want?”

She'd struggled to figure out how she could please everyone. “I want him to stay. He's going to leave soon enough anyway.”

“There you go. That's your answer.”

“But—”

“No buts. Let Claudia stew or pout or whatever she's doing, and when Rafferty's gone you two can kiss and make up.”

“What if our relationship can't go back to normal?”

“Maybe it will be better than it used to be.”

“I don't see how.”

“Perhaps by standing up for what you want she'll see who you really are, not just Jake's wife and Kyle's mother.”

Mariah made a good point. “Still, I don't want to hurt her. She's very dear to me.”

“I know. You're just an old softie.” Mariah gave her a one-armed hug. “But I want to know more about these feelings you're having for Rafferty.”

“It's nothing but gratitude. He's been a big help to me.”

“And you're sure that's all it is?”

“Absolutely.” But while she might be able to fib to her friend, in her heart, Lissette knew the truth. What she was feeling for Rafferty was a whole lot more than gratitude.

She wanted him.

And in the worst—or maybe it was the best—way possible.

F
or the next several days leading up to Halloween, life slipped into a welcome routine. She'd worked on getting the word out about her online bakery business and she'd already had several orders. A couple of days a week, she helped Mariah in her shop and she was still baking wedding cakes.

She got a book on sign language and enrolled in an online class. She worked with Kyle on signing, but she wasn't as facile as Rafferty. Never mind. She would get there. Rafferty ate alone in his room. He never came to the back door anymore. Lissette tried to tell herself that was a good thing and kept working.

On the day before Halloween, she bought Kyle a Spider-Man costume. Not terribly original, but it was the outfit he'd wanted. Probably the vivid red and blue colors were what had attracted his attention. She'd become aware over the course of the past few weeks of how much colors mattered to him. Vision was important. She considered painting his room in primary colors.

He insisted on wearing the costume the minute they got home, running through the house, climbing on things and jumping off them. His exuberance lifted her spirits.

“Now that's a superhero,” Rafferty said, lounging one shoulder against the back doorframe.

Lissette's breath caught as her gaze landed on him. His eyes were soft. A smile tipped his mouth. She hadn't seen him in days and he was a sight for sore eyes.

“How are you, Lissy?”

“Good. I'm good.”

“You look good.” His eyes grazed her.

“Thanks. Is there something you need?”

You
, his expression said. “Since Joe and Mariah invited me to their Halloween party tomorrow, I was wondering if you could help me come up with a costume?”

“Sure, sure. I can do that. What have you dressed up as in the past?” she asked.

“In L.A. I could get away with dressing as a cowboy, so I went in my work clothes. But in Jubilee, that's not going to cut it.”

“That's true.”

“Are you dressing up?”

“I am.”

“What are you going as?”

“I'm a traditionalist when it comes to Halloween costumes.”

“Something classic, huh?”

“I'm going as a vampire.”

“Sexy.”

“Economical too. Same costume I wore last year.”

“We could always poke two holes in a sheet and call me a ghost.”

“We can do better than that.” She hitched Spider-Man on her hip and moved across the floor to take Rafferty by the hand.

She knew it was a mistake the minute she touched him. The jolt of electricity that passed between them had nothing to do with static electricity and everything to do with their lightning-hot chemistry. But she didn't want him to know he unnerved her, so she did not let go. She dragged him outside.

“Where are we going?”

“The storm shelter.”

“The storm shelter?” he echoed. “What for?”

“You're going as a tornado.”

“A what?”

“You know, those whirling things that drop out from the sky and cause lots of destruction.”

“I know what a tornado is. How do you propose to whip up a tornado costume by tomorrow night?”

“I already have a tornado costume.”

He pulled back at the entrance to the storm shelter. “Is it an old costume of Jake's?”

“Would that bother you?”

“I'd rather not take any more of his castoffs.”

Lissette stopped, let go his hand. “What do you mean?”

The wind blew scattered leaves across the lawn and ruffled Rafferty's hair. Kyle squirmed in her arms. She turned her head to see what had captured her son's attention. A brown squirrel, cheeks full of acorns, ran up a tree.

“Could you sign ‘squirrel' for him?” Lissette asked. “I haven't learned that one yet.”

Rafferty moved around her so Kyle could see him and moved his hands.

Kyle grinned, settled down. How much easier it was to communicate with her son when Rafferty was around. She was going to have to seriously apply herself to learning sign language so she didn't have to depend on him.

“What do you mean, Jake's castoffs?” she asked.

There were so many skeletons popping out of closets around here. Appropriate enough on Halloween. She just wanted the damn closet door wrenched up and cleaned out. She was tired of being blindsided by the past. Tired of tripping over the littered mess of the dead. Gordon and Jake's ghosts were impacting her life far too much.

“Nothing. Forget I said anything. Let's see that costume. It sounds interesting.”

“What castoffs did you get of Jake's?”

He shrugged. “It's nothing, really.”

“Then if it's nothing, why not just tell me?”

Rafferty sighed, shifted. “Claudia used to send boxes of Jake's clothes and toys when he outgrew them.”

That surprised her. She thought Claudia had been too resentful for that kind of generosity, and it made her feel bad that she hadn't yet tried to mend fences with her mother-in-law. She should call her. Apologize.

“Don't get me wrong. I was happy to have the clothes. It was better than walking around in high-water rags, but just once, just one time I wished I had new clothes. Something bought just for me, something that was all mine. Something I didn't have to share with an invisible big brother. Taking Jake's clothes made me feel . . .” He paused.

She didn't rush to question him. Instead, she studied his face, watching for emotions that he was reluctant to show.

He shrugged. “Unimportant.”

“I'm sorry you were made to feel that way.”

“Hey, we all have some kind of childhood angst, right? That was just my version.”

“The tornado costume wasn't Jake's,” she assured him. “It's actually a wedding prop.”

“A what?”

“You know, for the cowboy weddings that Mariah puts on. One couple met because of a tornado. They wanted it in their wedding. So we have a sandwich board made up with a picture of a tornado on it. All you have to do is drape it over your head and presto, instant costume.”

Rafferty laughed and she realized how much she loved the sound. “I can do that.”

H
alloween in Jubilee was a little different from Halloween in most places. Around the country kids went from door to door, asking for tricks or treats. Some neighborhoods organized block parties. In other towns, parents pulled their decorated cars into school or church parking lots and kids trick or treated from car to car. Others honored the tradition of fall harvest with carnivals including games of chance, face painting, dunking booths, and cakewalks.

Jubilee put its own unique spin on the holiday, merging several traditions into one. The local ranchers took turns hosting the experience. This year, Joe and Mariah Daniels opened up Green Ridge Ranch to the public.

Instead of going door to door or car to car, kids rode horses, going from cow to cow, snatching handfuls of candy from the saddlebags strapped over the wooden cut-outs painted like Holsteins, but that was just the beginning of the festivities. After trick or treating came the bonfire. Complete with weenie and marshmallow roasts, spooky ghost stories told by some grizzled cowboy, and followed finally by a late night hayride. They had dunking booths for sinking sad sack cowhands, bobbing for apples, and instead of cakewalks, there were pie walks.

Rafferty, Lissette, and Kyle arrived at Green Ridge Ranch. Ila was playing traffic cop, directing people where to park. He parked, cut the engine, and unbuckled his seat belt. “I'll get Kyle,” he told Lissette, “so you can carry your pies.”

“I do appreciate the help,” she said, retrieving the two boxes of Giddy-up Pecan Pie she'd made for the pie walk to help advertise her expanded bakery menu.

Rafferty took the toddler from his car seat. Kyle was busily sucking on a pumpkin-shaped pacifier. Rafferty enjoyed the familiar heft of the boy in his arms. He trailed behind Lissette, feeling a bit out of place as people rushed up to her.