A Desire So Deadly (5 page)

“Yeah,” Ezra says, coming out onto the porch to wrap his arms around my waist. His skin is hot as I run my hands down his back. “She stopped by to see how I was doing after last night.” Ezra kisses my cheek and hugs me close. “After that we decided to swim until you got here.”

Again, I’m struck by how strange that is. Then again, maybe I’m being paranoid. I pull back and kiss Ezra quickly. “I didn’t bring my suit,” I say. “Should I run home and get it?”

Ezra laughs into my hair. “Absolutely not.”

“Not skinny-dipping.”

“Okay, sure.” Ezra grins, and points toward the house. “Soleil’s here anyway. Did you want to say hi?”

“Uh . . .” I look down the hallway to where I know the pool is located. “I’ll see her when I get back.”

Ezra shrugs and gives me a kiss good-bye.

I walk off the porch, sort of dreading coming back. I’m not exactly sure why—but it’s weird. I feel so distant from my life. From Soleil. And from Ezra.

Chapter 5

T
he light turns red, and I ease on the brake until I stop. The streets are summertime quiet, a lazy pace the farther I get from the beach. A tingling starts in my toes. A warmth that climbs up my legs, over my arms. The heat brightens into pain, and I wince. I glance in my rearview mirror, and then roll through the light to turn on to a side street and park at the curb.

“Ow,” I murmur, resting my head against the steering wheel while I hold my gut. It’s like a cramp, but stronger. I don’t have a phone, so I can’t call my mom. I measure my breaths, hoping it will pass, but the pain only seems to get stronger.

I have to get out of the car. Somehow I know I have to escape. I straighten up and unclick my seat belt. With the movement, my pain seems to ease. I climb out of the car and walk to the sidewalk—drawn forward. I look around the street, searching for an explanation even though I know there isn’t one. What’s happening to me?

My eyes sting with tears as fear begins to make me tremble. I stagger over to the bus stop and drop down on the bench. I put my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands as my heart pounds. Just then, I feel someone sit down next to me.

A wind blows over me, and I turn sideways and see Miriam Kemper, clutching her purse in her lap. Her face is wrinkled with deep lines, her navy dress baggy on her thin frame. I’ve known Miriam most of my life—she was a volunteer at the library until her husband died six months ago. And then, just as she lifts her watery blue eyes, I’m struck with a vision.

No, not again. Before I can fight it, I’m submerged in Miriam’s life as if I’m there.

Miriam is lying in bed with her husband of forty years. It’s dark, the only light from the small TV on the dresser playing an infomercial. She hears the cough, the thickness—the choking. Samuel has been suffering from emphysema for close to a year, but now he’s bedridden and without a voice. Miriam’s taken on the role of nurse, and clicks the lamp on the side table before grabbing the inhaler.

In front of me now, Miriam closes her eyes, and tears spill onto her cheeks. She thinks back on that night, and I’m there with her.

Miriam turns to her husband, and his eyes lock on hers—pleading and desperate. His look begs her to let him go, to let him finally have peace.

“Don’t you leave me,” Miriam murmurs, her lips quivering with the start of a cry. Samuel, unable to talk, only reaches to take her hand—a hand that held his for forty years—his body shaking with the coughs he tries to hold in.

She has a choice then. Instead of putting the inhaler to his mouth, forcing medication into his lungs, Miriam Kemper curls up next to her husband and feels his arms around her one last time. She cries into the warmth of his nightshirt until his coughing finally subsides. Until all is quiet and his arm falls away.

“Oh, Miriam,” I whisper, feeling the guilt the way she does. The crushing sense of final loss, the shroud of doubt. But beyond that is a message, something I have to tell Miriam—even though it’s not really from me. “It’s what he wanted,” I say, trying to soothe her pain and alleviate her guilt. “He loved you very much.”

I move to put my hand on her shoulder, and she winces as if my touch hurts her.

“I’m all alone,” she weeps. “I can’t make it without my Samuel.”

“You will.” There’s so much energy racing through me, it’s making me dizzy. I want to pull away, but I can’t. Miriam has to listen. If she doesn’t, she’ll die. “Samuel would want you to move on,” I tell her. “To have a life. You have to love him enough to let him go now.”

She’s crying, but suddenly . . . I feel it. She’s listening, accepting what I’ve told her. Miriam knows she has to keep living her life, but her grief had overwhelmed her. This small respite has given her clarity.

Miriam sniffles hard, smoothing back her hair. I lower my arm, and the pain that had built up, the energy, dissolves. I expect Miriam to turn to me, ask what just happened. But before I try to explain, warmth and euphoria spread over me, making me sway on the bench. The hot, searing pain in the back of my neck has faded away. After a moment, I turn to Miriam again. She’s gathered herself, looking as if she’s ready to leave.

“I’m sorry,” I say, worried I’ve frightened her. Miriam casts a confused glance around the street and then seems just to notice me. “Oh, hi, honey,” she says, her voice still thick from crying. “Do you know what time it is?”

Is she not going to ask what’s going on? I’m freaking out, but Miriam doesn’t appear concerned. “Uh,” I fumble, taking a long moment to answer. “It’s about one thirty, I guess.”

Miriam smiles, and reaches to pat my arm. “Well, then I better get home. I think I’ll go see my son in Denver. Tell your mother and father I said hello.” She stands, pulling her purse strap over her shoulder. And then she leaves.

I stare after her, my heart racing. My fingers still tingling. This is the second time this has happened. First with Tanner, now with Miriam. Am I psychic? Am I crazy? Tears well up, and I’m scared. Am I scared enough to tell my parents? What if they don’t believe me? What if they think—

I get up from the bench and run for my car. I turn the ignition, wishing I had a phone. My parents are probably at the bakery with River. Ezra and Soleil are at his house. I don’t know where to go, so I drive back to my house. I’ll be alone, and I’m terrified to be alone.

But I’m not crazy.

The minute I get home, I turn on my laptop and begin researching. I type in every symptom, every sensation—but nothing fits exactly. Instead it seems like I could have a million different disorders, diseases. Rather than comfort me, the internet has made me more terrified. I click the laptop shut and start toward my room. My head is foggy, and I won’t let myself cry anymore.

I’m going to sleep this off. When I wake up, I’ll talk to my mom and dad. They’ll know what to do. But I can’t discuss it right now. My body is worn down, exhausted. I climb up on my bed and hug the pillow close to me. When I wake up, it’ll make sense. I know it’ll make sense.

I’m standing in front of the Costas Bakery, but I don’t go inside. I know the doors are locked, even though I can’t remember if I tried the handle. The weather is warm and breezy on my bare legs, and I look down, surprised to see myself wearing a plaid uniform skirt. I don’t own anything like this.

I notice then my reflection in the glass door. It takes me a minute to realize it’s me: the blond hair, the freckles. An entirely different face. I step toward the door, outstretch my hand until I touch the glass, surprised it’s cold despite the warm air. I trace her
 . . .
my features. She’s so familiar, but her image fills me with despair. Loneliness. Behind my reflection I notice him, watching sadly as he waits.

“Harlin,” I call softly, my heart swelling at the sight of him. I love him. I feel it in my soul. I love Harlin more than anything in the world. But the reflection is beginning to fade, and I bang my hand on the glass, devastated at the thought of losing him again.

“Don’t wake up,” I tell myself. “Please don’t wake up.”

I gasp awake, the light outside the window set at dusk. For a moment, I can still see Harlin, still remember my face. But as I sit up, turn on my light—the dream slips away, leaving only a vague sense of loneliness. The house is still quiet when I walk out into the living room, and I’m perplexed as to where my family is. We don’t have a house phone, haven’t needed it since we all have cell phones. Or at least we did.

Ezra’s probably wondering where I am right now. Even though I doubt they’re still at the pool, I go back to my room to grab my swimsuit and then head out the door. The incident with Miriam seems far off now, like it happened to someone else. As the fear tries to creep back in, I decide not to let it. If I act normal, then I’ll be normal.

I’m going to find my boyfriend. I’m going to spend time with my best friend. I’m going to work my job at the Costas Bakery. That’s how I’ll make all this craziness go away.

I drive over to Ezra’s and immediately notice that Soleil’s car is gone. I park and knock on Ezra’s front door, the sky quickly darkening into night. No one answers, so I knock again, wondering if he and Soleil went for dinner.

Uneasy thoughts are itching at the back of my mind, wanting to call up the moments with Tanner and Miriam, so I move quickly and get back in the Jeep. I consider dropping by the bakery to see if my family is still there, prepping for tomorrow. It’s weird that they’d still be at the shop, but I can’t imagine where they’d go out and not tell me.

I start driving aimlessly, turning up the radio to distract myself. I take a right on Sycamore Road and realize that I’m near the movie theater. Maybe Lucy’s still there. Or if she’s done, maybe she’ll want to hang out for a while.

I park in the no-man’s-land section of the lot and start my trek toward the theater. When I push open the glass door, the smell of popcorn offers immediate comfort. I love the movies, especially this theater. It’s old and the seats are kind of uncomfortable, but there’s charm in the lack of updating. Vintage posters and old projectors are part of the decor.

The concession stand is in the front before the ticket office, and I notice Lucy right away. She’s wearing a red-and-white-striped shirt with a visor. It’s hysterical. I’m going to tease her about it when she looks up and sees me. I expect her to laugh, but instead she presses her lips together, looking concerned. She whispers to the boy next to her, and he leaves to go in the back.

“I’ve been trying to reach you,” Lucy says, sounding pained. “I called the bakery a few times. Your brother said he hadn’t seen you.”

“I fell asleep. Why? Are you okay?”

Lucy’s expression is so foreboding that my stomach starts to knot. She reaches across the glass to take my hand, startling me. An aching sort of sickness floods me.

“Ezra’s here,” she says in a low voice. “I’m not sure how to tell you this, Claire. But he’s here with that friend of yours. What’s her name?”

I swallow down the acidic taste that crawls up my throat, anger starting to rise inside of me. “Are you talking about Soleil?”

Lucy’s eyes narrow slightly. “Yes. He’s here with Soleil. I spoke to them when they came in.” She tilts her head, examining my eyes. “I’m not sure they remembered me from last night, because if they did—they sure didn’t try to hide it.”

My breath catches. “Hide what?”

Lucy shakes her head like she can’t go on and releases her grip on my hand. I step back, upset. “Lucy,” I say loudly, “hide what?”

She shrugs sadly. “They’re in theater four.”

I glance down the hallway, and then back at her. Is she . . . is Lucy saying that Ezra and Soleil are here
together
together? Is my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend? My eyes begin to sting with tears, and I can barely hear Lucy call my name as I start toward the theater. It’s not true. I refuse to believe it’s true.

Yanking open the door, I’m momentarily blinded in the darkness. When my eyes adjust, I notice them halfway up the aisle on the right. They’re sitting next to each other. Are they too close?

Fury builds under my skin, and I think about yesterday when Soleil called. When she called Ezra’s phone. Was she even looking for me? How long has this been going on? I choke on an angry cry and head down the aisle. Lucy was right. They aren’t even trying to hide it.

When I stop at the end of their row, it takes a minute for Soleil to look over. Her eyes widen when she sees me, and she immediately passes the bucket of popcorn to Ezra, startling him from the movie.

“Where have you been?” she whispers to me, seeming shocked. As if she has the right to ask when she’s here with my boyfriend. Ezra looks over, but he doesn’t say anything right away. Instead he just seems to take in my appearance. A person in the row behind them tells me to sit down, and I shoot him a dirty look. I’m so . . . angry. I feel like I could tear this place apart.

“You’re cheating on me?” I ask Ezra. Soleil turns to him accusingly, but it takes a second for her to realize she’s included in the equation.

“Claire,” she starts. “What? No. We were waiting for you and—”

“Shut up,” I snap at her. “I can see what’s going on here.”

Ezra stands, and I feel the entire theater watching us. I just don’t care. “You’re freaking out,” he says, reaching to take my arms. But I won’t let him touch me.

“Go to hell,” I growl. “Both of you.”

Without waiting for another word, I storm up the aisle, tears racing down my cheeks. I can barely get my mind around what’s happening, and I break into a run, needing to escape. As I pass the concession stand, Lucy leans her elbows on the counter, her chin in her palms.

“Night, Claire,” she calls after me. I glance back, confused by her calm appearance when everything is falling apart. But I’m too upset to respond.

I burst out of the theater doors and run for the Jeep. The minute I lock myself inside, I sob and let the grief fill me. My life has just imploded.

Chapter 6

T
he anger fades slightly as I drive through the darkened streets. To be honest, I’ve never felt that sort of venom before. Right now all I want is to curl up and cry. I’m . . . heartbroken.

I don’t want to go home, not when my eyes are swollen and my cheeks stiff with dried tears. I’m suddenly so alone—so crushingly alone that it feels like my insides are being hollowed out. I stop at a red light, sniffling back the next round of tears, and look to the side to see the beach parking lot.

Francesca almost drowned here last night—now I’m the one who feels like she’s drowning. When the light turns green, I pull into the lot and park. I need time to clear my head. I’m too humiliated to face anyone. How blind I must have been not to see what was going on between Ezra and Soleil. How stupid.

I grab a flashlight and start toward the beach, where the bonfire had burned just the night before. It’s dark, and I click on my flashlight, cutting patterns into the sand. Fear creeps in, replacing my sadness. I don’t think I’ve ever come here by myself before. Does it always feel this eerie?

There’s the sound of a stick snapping, and I jump so high I nearly drop the flashlight. I swing around, shining the light in all directions until I hear the noise again on the other side of the boulder. There’s a faint glow, and I realize someone’s built a fire. I’m not sure if I should go any farther, but my curiosity wins out. I slowly step out into the amber glow.

“Harlin?” I say, surprised to see him sitting in the sand in front of a small fire, a sketch pad in his hands. His initial shock is quickly masked by that knockout smile.

He sets the pad aside on the blanket and crosses his arms over his chest. I can’t help but notice his bulging biceps again. “Hey, Claire,” he responds. “You following me?”

He’s trying to joke, but I can’t even return his smile. “Can I sit with you awhile?” I ask, feeling pathetic. “I’m having a shitty night.”

“Of course.” Harlin’s voice is twinged with concern, but he doesn’t press me for details. Instead he smooths out the edges of the blanket, swiping away sand before motioning for me to join him.

Although it’s dark here, in this little alcove next to the rocks it’s warm and inviting. I think more than a little of that comfort is radiating from Harlin. I sit, wrapping my arms around my knees, and he leans back on the blanket, resting on his elbows as he watches me. We’re silent for a while, my mood improving with each passing second. How does he do this to me? How does he make me forget about everything else?

“Who are you?” I ask, trying to figure out this effect he’s having on me. Harlin licks his bottom lip before answering, completely disrupting my train of thought.

“I think the real question is who
you
are. I’d like to find out.”

I turn away, shaking my head as I laugh softly. I can’t believe he’s feeding me lines and I’m not walking out of here. Ezra is downtown with Soleil, and here I am talking to another guy? “This is a bad idea,” I say, ready to get up.

Harlin straightens, his easy smile falling away. “No, please,” he says quickly. “Don’t go yet. I . . .” He glances around as if searching for an excuse for me to stay, and his gaze fixes on the sketch pad. “Can I show you something?”

I look at him doubtfully. “If it’s a drawing of me, I’m going to be freaked out.”

He chuckles, and then stretches over to grab the pad. “You have no idea how funny that statement is.” Harlin shifts his position until he’s next to me, our shoulders touching. He holds the sketch pad in front of us.

As he tries to find the page, I admire the lines of his face: the shape of his eyes, the curve of his lips. If I was to imagine the perfect guy—I might just conjure Harlin. Guilt hits me, reminding me that until twenty minutes ago, Ezra was my boyfriend. Technically, he still is. I shouldn’t be thinking about this guy at all. And then there’s what Lucy told me. She knows Harlin—and they’re not friends.

Although he must feel me staring at him, Harlin doesn’t meet my eyes. He taps his finger on the sketch pad, drawing my attention there.

“This was my girlfriend,” he says quietly. My heart dips, and I search the image, a little jealous even though I have no right to be. I’m not sure why he’s showing me this, but I find myself leaning closer to get a better look in the low light of the fire.

“She’s pretty,” I say, noticing the waves of her hair, her delicate features. I wonder if this is Lucy’s sister, and try to see the similarity between them. Harlin stares at the picture with a sad smile.

“She was beautiful.”

I look at him again. The tone of his voice is so final, lost. So incredibly sad—I ache for him. “Do you still love her?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he says quietly, setting the pad aside like he can’t bear to see her face any longer. After a pause, he turns to me. “She always comes back, though.” His hazel eyes are sorrowful, but deep with a passion that reaches out, wrapping me up and pulling me in. This close together, I can barely catch my breath, drawn to him and his pain.

“And every time I find her,” he whispers, trailing his gaze over me, “we fall in love all over again. Helplessly.” He reaches to take my hand and presses it over his heart.

The heat of his skin burns through his shirt, the pulsing beneath fast and strong. He slides his fingers between mine, and the friction is so intimate, my eyelids flutter and I’m positively submerged in desire.

Without thinking, I lean forward and kiss him. The minute my mouth touches his, the world surrounding us disappears. He tastes lightly of cinnamon—his kiss soft and gentle, yet it consumes me. Harlin rests his hand on the back of my neck, and when his tongue grazes my lower lip, my entire body responds.

I’m lost in the passion of the moment, and I push him back on the blanket. “I’ve missed you,” I say, overwhelmed with the feeling. He’s devouring me, and I can’t get a clear thought—it’s all kisses and longing. Harlin’s touch is maddening as he teases with the hem of my tank top. In that moment, I’m willing to give him everything.

But then, in a crashing wave, my sanity returns from wherever it had retreated. I realize where I am and pull back, shocked—somewhat scandalized. I put my fingers on my still-tingling lips, mortified at my behavior. “Whoa,” I say, moving off him. “I’m sorry.”

Harlin, still breathing heavily, looks disoriented. “Believe me,” he says, sitting up, “you have nothing to apologize for. That was—” He stops when I climb to my feet, ready to run out of here.

My life has completely crashed and burned tonight, and this is another complication I’ve added to it. I have to get home. Harlin stands, his eyes wide as he follows me to where I’m bending to get the flashlight.

“You don’t have to go,” he says. “I won’t let you kiss me again.” He smiles, trying to lighten the moment, but it’s too late. My guilt has won out. Harlin reads the thought, and the sadness returns—a dark cloud over everything. “Don’t leave me,” he says in a low voice.

Pain hits my chest, his plea deeper than I can understand. But this is crazy, just like everything else in my life right now. “I have to,” I say regretfully. “This”—I motion around us—“isn’t me.”

Harlin watches me back away, and I’m suddenly so vulnerable—ready to be swept away with him if he’d only just ask. But he doesn’t; he stands there like I’ve broken his heart. “I know exactly who you are, Claire,” he calls from behind me. “I’m just not sure how to tell you yet.”

I pause, glancing back at him. Harlin lowers his head, seeming as devastated as I feel, but there’s something nagging at me. “Why don’t you and Lucy like each other?” I ask.

His head snaps up.

“You’ve talked to her?” he asks. “What did she tell you?”

His mood shifts, his shoulders tense. Lucy wasn’t kidding about their relationship. “She said you used to date her sister. But she broke your heart.”

“Stay away from Lucy,” he says, not disputing my words. “She’s not who she seems. She’s a bad influence, Claire.”

I’m kind of offended on Lucy’s behalf, and cross my arms over my chest. “She’s the one who let me know my boyfriend was cheating on me. And she told me about you, even though you pretended not to know her on the beach last night. Maybe you’re the bad influence.”

Harlin straightens, but I can’t handle the hurt look on his face. I turn and start back to the car, my chest feeling heavier the farther from him I get. By the time I’m at the Jeep, my anger at Ezra and Soleil has been diffused by my own guilt about kissing Harlin. How am I any better than my boyfriend?

And Harlin. What the hell was that about? I want to be ashamed, but instead I’m reveling in the smell of him left behind on my skin. His taste. His voice drifting into my ear. Clearly I’ve gone off the rails—but I’m not sorry. Why aren’t I sorry?

Every light in my house is ablaze when I pull into the driveway ten minutes later. I take a moment to gather myself, wiping my cheeks and smoothing back my hair. I touch my lips, flashing back to how it felt when Harlin kissed me. I close my eyes, missing him.

What is wrong with me? I quickly get out of the Jeep and head inside, embarrassed that I let a stranger interrupt what should be a normal grieving process. I just caught my boyfriend and my best friend together. I should be furious. I should be devastated. And I was. When I was at the movies, I’d never felt such hatred, like I was surrounded in a dark cloud of misery. Now . . . I’m just sad.

I walk in the front door, expecting to find my parents watching TV on the sofa, but the room is empty. I hear the water running in the kitchen. When I walk in, I see my mother at the sink, scrubbing forcefully at the bottom of a pan.

“Hey, Mom.”

My mother turns so quickly the pan drops from her hands and clatters in the sink. She stands for a minute, looking me over, and then turns off the faucet. “Thank God,” she says, and then crosses the room to hug me. My mother always smells like vanilla, the scent of comfort, and although I don’t know why she’s hugging me, in her arms the events of the day, of the weekend, come crashing down. I start to cry into my mother’s shoulder.

“Claire, where have you been?” she asks, pulling away to look at me. She brushes back my hair with her still-wet hands. “Your father and brother are out looking for you. I called Soleil, but she said the two of you are fighting. She said you had a breakdown in the movie theater. What’s going on?”

I sniffle back my tears, my fear and hurt bubbling up to the surface. “Ezra and Soleil,” I start, “they were together at the movies. I think they’re seeing each other.”

My mother’s eyes widen, and she pulls me against her once again. She says all the soothing things she should, trying her best to make it better, be understanding. But it’s not just my relationship drama weighing on me. I’m scared.

“Mom,” I say, and my voice cracks. “I think something’s wrong with me.”

She tilts her head sympathetically. “Oh, honey. There’s nothing wrong with you. If Ezra is cheating, that’s because he’s a jerk. Not because you did something wrong.”

“No. That’s not what I mean. I—”

The front door opens, and we turn to see my father and brother walk in. My dad drops the keys on the entry table and crosses the room to hug me. “I was so worried,” he murmurs. “Where’ve you been?”

“I went to the beach,” I reply, my cheek against the front of his shirt. It’s all too much—the worry, the fear. With my parents I feel safe, and I don’t want to dwell on the other stuff. I don’t know if they’d believe it anyway.

My father keeps his arm around me as my mother delicately tells him about Ezra and Soleil, shooting me sympathetic glances. I feel my father stiffen and actually look at the door like he might go out and confront my boyfriend. But by the end of the conversation, it is decided that we all need some rest. A new perspective in the morning to evaluate what to do.

“Next time you go to the beach at night,” my father tells me, “let one of us know. River and I were at the beach, and the only person we saw there was some guy on a Harley. Nearly gave me a heart attack to know there was a stranger riding around while my daughter was unaccounted for.”

River narrows his eyes, trying to gauge my reaction. He might have some suspicions that I was with Harlin after seeing him in the bakery today. I quickly look away. Admitting I was with another guy isn’t going to win me any sympathy points, and right now I need the comfort.

So I let my parents tell me it will be okay. I let myself believe them. And when I go to bed, I vow to fix things in the morning—figure out what exactly is going on. And how exactly I feel about it.