A Dream Unfolding (40 page)

Seeing her brows furrow, Joshua realized he was making a mess of this.
 
Of course she was not one of his men he could order around.
 
He quickly softened his approach.
 
“Would you like to marry me?
 
I could provide safety for you and your child.
 
I cannot promise to replace the husband you loved dearly, but I can promise to see to your needs.
 
I would always treat you with the respect you deserve and I would care for your child as my own.”

He swallowed as the silence stretched, wondering if he just made a grave error.

---

The words hung between them.
 
Hannah was stunned and mortified.
 
Did she hear the lieutenant correctly?
 
Did he just ask her to marry him?
 
Had he taken leave of his senses?
 
Anger at the preposterous nature of his request rose from within her.
 
She tamped it down, not wanting to disrespect him for an obviously difficult gesture.

Not knowing what else to say, Hannah said, “But I don’t even know your first name.”
 
She needed some time to think this through.

“Joshua,” he replied, as if that would somehow make his request less absurd.

As the shock wore off, Hannah knew she could not possibly accept his proposal.
 
Drew had been gone but a few weeks.
 
Her heart was still broken.
 
She could not be with another man, even in name only.
 
She would do what she needed to do to care for her child alone.
 
Quietly, calmly she answered, “I cannot marry you.”

“But you need someone who can care for you.
 
Your child will need a father,” Lieutenant Harrison responded with reason.

His persistence pulled Hannah from the numb stated she lived in for weeks, stirring the raw mix of emotions to boiling.

“My child has a father and he is dead!
 
You cannot replace Drew.
 
No one can fill the emptiness I feel.
 
You have no right to come in here and start ordering me around like one of your men.”
 
She stood, moving closer to the lieutenant.
 
Poking her finger into his chest, she confronted him with full force of the rage churning within her.
 
“You have taken control of my life since the moment my husband was buried on that mountain.
 
You have ushered me from place to place like cattle, telling me when I should do what.”

“Hannah, I am not suggesting you marry me so I can command you,” he answered calmly, appearing unaffected by her tirade.
 
“I just think life is going to be difficult for you here on your own.
 
I wanted to offer you protection.”

“Why would you want to take on such a responsibility that is not yours to bear?”

“Because, God asks us to care for the widows and orphans, Hannah.
 
I have the means to do that for you.”

“I do not care what God asks you to do,” her voice rose in anger.
 
“He has abandoned me.
 
If he wanted to care for me, he would not have taken Drew!”

He took her shaky hands in his.
 
The kind act deflated her gusto and she slumped her shoulders forward, barely holding the tears at bay.

“God has not abandoned you, Hannah,” the lieutenant’s voice softened as he spoke.
 
“He brought Mrs. Lancaster and me alongside you when you were consumed with grief.
 
He cares for you and he will never leave you.”

Hannah refused to believe what he was saying was true.
 
God took Drew away.
 
How could He love her?

Lieutenant Harrison knelt before her, still holding her hands.
 
“If you do not want to marry me, Hannah, you do not have to.
 
I simply wanted to make the offer to relieve some of the burden you will face.”

She probably should accept his offer.
 
What would happen to her, a single woman on her own?
 
How would she provide for herself, for her unborn child?
 
When her father died and she needed to decide what to do with the farm, her aunt reminded her that men were better at reasoning through an emotional situation.
 
Her uncle had made the best decision for her then.
 
Perhaps Lieutenant Harrison was seeing this situation rationally.
 
Perhaps she should listen to him.

Yet, the grief was too new, too raw.
 
Drew had only been gone a few weeks.
 
How could she possibly commit her life to someone else?
 
And only to satisfy her need for security.
 
It was not fair to her, her unborn child, or to the lieutenant.

Withdrawing her hands from his, she clasped them in front of her.
 
Squaring her shoulders, she replied, “I can’t.
 
I just can’t.”

Lieutenant Harrison rose.
 
His stoic face revealed nothing.
 
He reached into his pocket and handed her some money.
 
“This was from the sale of the medical supplies, wagon, and team.
 
I was able to get a fair price from the supply officer.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, shamed by her earlier anger in the light of his compassion.

“I also spoke with the head man in charge of the mess tent.
 
He is in need of another cook and you may have the job in exchange for free meals and a meager wage.
 
He could use your help as early as tomorrow morning.”
 
After giving her directions on where to report, he strode over to the tent entrance.

“If you change your mind, Hannah, the offer still stands.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant.
 
I am grateful for a friend such as you.”

Nodding, he left, leaving Hannah to wonder if she made the right decision.

Chop the onions.
 
Cube the beef.
 
Prepare a stew to feed nearly a hundred hungry men.
 
Add some salt.
 
Lift the heavy pot over the fire.
 
Stir.
 
Don’t think about anything other than the task at hand.
 
If you think, you will remember you are alone.

Stir.
 
Watch the swirls of savory stew circle round the pot.

With deliberate thought, Hannah focused on her new job at the mess tent.
 
She repeated the mantra of intentional thought daily.
 
And for the past two weeks, it served her well, allowing her to get through the days without thinking of Drew and without crying.
 
Only in the stillness of the late evening did she think of him, her love.
 
Then, she cried until exhaustion swept her under its warm embrace.

No, she was doing it again.
 
Letting her mind drift back to him.
 
His blue eyes.
 
His long gentle fingers.

Stop!

Get the coffee beans.
 
Grind the coffee beans.
 
Start the coffee.
 
Keep thinking about the little things, the mundane.

Hannah looked up from the third pot of coffee she started as the men filed in to the mess tent for their midday meal.
 
The meals quickly became her favorite part of the day.
 
It was much easier to keep her thoughts and emotions under control when she was serving the men.

She pasted on a smile that she did not feel, before taking her place behind the large pot of hearty stew.
 
Hannah smiled at the first young man in line as she took his plate.
 
She mindlessly asked how he was doing and listened to his chatter until the man behind him thrust forth his plate.
 
Most of the men talked to her as she dished up their food, most likely eager for attention from a woman.

Within days of being at the fort, Hannah understood why these men longed for female attention.
 
There simply were very few women around.
 
Besides herself, there was the post doctor’s wife, the two Mexican women working in the mess tent, and a laundress.
 
Five women versus nearly a hundred men.
 
And from what she heard of town, Betty Lancaster was the only woman there.

So at each meal, whether or not Hannah felt like smiling, she did.
 
In some strange way, just listening to these men helped heal some of her loneliness.
 
They told stories of family back home, for many left their families in California.
 
Others told stories of loved ones lost along the way.
 
Some even tried to propose to Hannah once they found out she was a widow—at least until Lieutenant Harrison stepped in.
 
She was not sure exactly how he did it, but one day the proposals just stopped.

Lieutenant Harrison.
 
Since his awkward proposal, Hannah saw him but once in the past two weeks.
 
Either he gave up eating altogether, or he was away from the fort.
 
Though she wished he would have said something, she knew he owed her no explanation of his whereabouts.
 
He offered his protection through marriage, and she refused him.
 
She had no right to place any demands on him.

Yet, it would have helped her loneliness to know she had at least one friend here.

But, his absence doubled her doubt about her refusal.
 
Perhaps Lieutenant Harrison was right.
 
How could she care for a baby and work long hours at the mess tent?
 
She barely had energy to care for herself at the end of each day.
 
How could she care for a child, too?

Several times Hannah considered running to the lieutenant begging for his forgiveness, hoping to see if he would still have her.
 
Then a memory of Drew would sear her heart and strengthen her resolve.
 
It would be foolish to rush into anything now.
 
Perhaps, in time, she would figure out what was truly best for her and her child.

Will woke to the aroma of bacon already being fried.
 
Stretching out his sore muscles, he took his time getting out of bed.
 
Yesterday, he and several of the men finished a small cabin for his new cook, Rosa.
 
He put off hiring someone to cook and do laundry for several months now.
 
He finally hired the young half-Mexican half-Apache woman when Snake could no longer juggle cowboy duties with cooking duties.
 
He really needed the man working with the cattle and managing the butchering.

At the beginning of the month, Will hired several men from the recently arrived wagon train to help build the ranch house.
 
Most of the men agreed to work in exchange for fresh beef, which Will readily supplied.
 
With so many men working together, the ranch house was completed in two days.
 
He moved in immediately, more than ready for the solitude of his own house.