A Fairly Honourable Defeat (54 page)

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Authors: Iris Murdoch

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Rupert had been supported in this resolution by his deep age-old confidence in the power of goodness. Not that he located this goodness in himself. It was something very much exterior to him, but fairly near and very real. Rupert did not believe in God, in fact he even disapproved of belief in God, which he felt to be a weakener of the moral sinews. But in this he did believe, and under this star he would care for Morgan. He had loved people in this way before, though never anyone so close to him, and as far as he knew nothing but good had resulted. The top of the moral structure was no dream, and he had proved this by exercises in loving attention: loving people, loving art, loving work, loving paving stones and leaves on trees. This had been his happiness. This
freedom
had also been the keystone of his marriage. It was something, oddly, about which he had never talked to Hilda. He did not believe that she would understand. He had written about it, in a formal half disguised way, as if it were a secret, in his philosophy book. When it was in typescript Hilda would read the book. And still she would not understand. And it would not matter. He loved his wife the more deeply because he felt he could love everything else in the world without depriving her at all. In fact this secret love enriched his marriage.
So it was that it had seemed to Rupert that it would be quite easy to control the situation with Morgan. Of course he would come to care for her more, but there would be no danger in that, only salvation. What was it that he had failed somehow to take into account? He had not realized how his life would be envenomed by the telling of one or two small necessary lies. He had not expected this curious breakdown of communications with Hilda. He had been quite prepared to be moved physically by Morgan, to be moved by her more, and in a new way. All Rupert’s affections had their physical side: and this was true also of his attachments to men, though he would never have confessed this to Axel. These were secret things over which he smiled. But he had not been prepared for the nervous craving for Morgan’s company which was afflicting him now, nor for the precise temporarily located urges to seize the girl in his arms. He had not foreseen the confusion, the arguments, the clouded sense of involvement and muddle. He had not foreseen that his own estimation of himself would seem suddenly in jeopardy.
‘I think I’ve been a fool,’ said Rupert. ‘Maybe you’d better go away after all. I should have been tougher with you. Go away for six months. You know you can’t lose me or my love. There’s nothing to worry about. But I think we both need to calm down about this situation. While you’re away I’ll tell Hilda. I won’t let it seem more important than it is.’
‘Where the hell am I to go for six months?’
‘Anywhere. France, Italy. I’ll pay for it. Let me do that anyway, now that we know each other better.’
‘Oh, Rupert—your sweetness just cracks my heart. But my dear, I can’t go away now. Even a week ago, it would have been possible. Now it just isn’t. I need to see you and talk to you. Seeing you is the only thing I’ve got to hold onto now. You took on this responsibility, Rupert, and you’ve got to see it through. If I went away I’d go mad with worry. You don’t know what you’re saying. Imagine me all alone in some ghastly hotel in Antibes! I’d go crazy. I’ve got to
talk
to somebody, that’s the only cure, Rupert, talk, talk, talk. God, there are so many things bedevilling my mind, things I want to talk to you about, things I can
only
talk to you about.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Rupert. He stopped in front of her and resumed his glass. ‘I’m being selfish and unimaginative. Yes, we must go on.’
‘I haven’t told you about the child.’
‘The child?’
‘I became pregnant by Julius.’
‘Oh Morgan—’ Rupert sat down, pulling his chair closer, and took her hand. ‘Tell me, my dear.’
‘I had an abortion of course. I was by myself, I’d left Julius—or rather he’d somehow driven me out. I was all alone on the West Coast. It was a nightmare.’
‘Poor child—I am so sorry.’
‘I’ll tell you all about it sometime—soon maybe. I need to tell somebody the details. I didn’t know how to find a doctor. I went to one at random and he was just rude to me and charged a huge fee. Then I went to another and he was insinuating and beastly but said he’d do it and insisted on being paid beforehand and I thought he wouldn’t do it and I was crying all the time and it was so utterly humiliating—’
‘It’s all over now, Morgan, don’t cry now, my dear. Yes. I think you had better tell me the details.’
‘And it isn’t only that, Rupert. I feel so guilty about it now, it haunts me, and I
regret
it so much. I want that child, I want
that
child—’
‘Morgan, Morgan, don’t upset yourself, here, have another drink. We will talk of all these things at great length, whenever you will. And of course you shan’t go away. I’ll manage, I’ll
manage.
’
‘Thank you, my darling—’
Suddenly very close to them there was a sound so loud that they could not at first understand what it was. Rupert leapt to his feet. He looked round the room expecting to see that some large object had fallen heavily to the ground. Morgan was looking up at him with big startled eyes. The sound came again and Rupert realized that someone outside on the landing was hitting the door. It was not like knocking. It was more like an attempt to break in the door panels. Bang! Bang! Bang! Morgan rose and instinctively they both withdrew towards Morgan’s bedroom, clutching at each other in panic.
‘Who is it?’ whispered Rupert.
‘I don’t know. It couldn’t be Hilda. Sssh. Shall we just not answer it?’
They stood clasping hands, questioning each other’s eyes.
‘It must be some mistake,’ whispered Morgan. ‘It can’t be for me.’
‘Maybe you’d better answer it before the whole house comes to look.’
The terrible banging sound had been resumed. Someone was thundering on the door panel with a closed fist.
‘You go in here,’ breathed Morgan. ‘Keep quiet. I’ll see who it is and send them away.’ She pushed Rupert into the bedroom and closed the door. Then she went to her front door and opened it.
Peter pushed past her into the sitting room. He looked round and then immediately opened the door of the bedroom and looked in. Rupert emerged. He felt suddenly sick to fainting and sat down on a chair. Morgan closed the front door. They looked at each other.
‘That’s a very odd way to knock, Peter,’ said Morgan.
Peter seemed for the moment incapable of speech. Rupert knew that he could not utter any word himself. He gasped for breath and put his hand to his throat.
‘Sit down,’ said Morgan. ‘Have a drink.’
Peter said something. It sounded like ‘late at the office’.
‘What’s that? Do sit down, Peter,’ said Morgan. ‘What is all this agitation?’
Peter continued to stand. He ignored his father. He said to Morgan, ‘So it
is
true.’
‘So what is true?’ Morgan sat down and regarded him. She was blushing, but her expression was hard and calm.
‘You are having a love affair with my father.’
‘I am not having a love affair with your father, you silly boy. Now calm down and—’
‘Then why didn’t you open the door at once?’ said Peter. ‘And why were you in the bedroom and why is the bed all undone and why is he looking like that and—’
‘Oh stop it,’ said Morgan. ‘You’ll make me angry. We were just discussing something. And I never make my bed until the evening. And it was the way you knocked that made us hesitate to open the door.’
‘What were you discussing?’
‘Something private.’
‘And why did he say he’d be late at the office when he was here?’
‘He was going to be late at the office. Then I rang up and asked him to come round. And if you must know, we were discussing you. We were talking about your education.’
‘I am afraid,’ said Peter, ‘that I don’t believe a word you say.’ He was pale and shuddering a little, his eyes fixed on Morgan.
‘Look, Peter, I am
not
having a love affair with your father! The idea is completely unthinkable. Can’t you see I’m speaking the truth? Come on, Rupert, or has the cat got your tongue?’
‘It’s true,’ said Rupert, ‘what she says.’ But he could scarcely raise his face and his voice sounded thick and jumbled. His mouth seemed to be filled with stones.
‘What made you come round here and bang on the door in that horrible way?’ said Morgan. ‘What put it into your head?’
‘Someone told me—about you and my father.’
‘Someone
told
you? Who?’
‘Never mind. I’m grateful. I just wanted to see with my own eyes. And I’ve seen. I could scarcely believe it. Then there was the car outside, and now that I’ve seen—both of you—I know—Don’t worry. I’m going now. Then you can get on with it.’
‘Peter, this is a lot of nonsense,’ said Morgan, ‘and your father and I are very angry with you. Have you, or this other person, said anything about this fable to your mother?’
‘No,’ said Peter. ‘She doesn’t know. At least, she doesn’t
know.
And I’m not going to tell her. You can keep your little secret. As long as you’re enjoying yourselves.’
‘Peter,
really.
I’m very vexed with you—’
‘You amused yourself with me,’ said Peter. ‘I should have seen the sort of person you were. You started it. Kissing me and rolling me in the grass in that railway cutting. You knew perfectly well you were making me fall in love with you. Then next week you decide to drop me and take up with him. I expect it will be someone else the week after.’
‘Peter—’
‘All right, all right, I’m going.’ He turned towards the door and then stopped. The piece of green malachite was lying on the table in the little hall, weighing down a pile of letters. Peter turned back to Morgan who had risen. ‘I see he’s given you
that
, that bit of green stone. He gave it to me once, years and years ago when I was a child. Then he forgot he’d given it to me and it went back into his room. He’s simply forgotten about me, forgotten, forgotten. And what you said in the railway cutting just isn’t true, I know that now.
Full fathom five
proves nothing, nothing at all. Except that everything’s rich and strange all right, rich and strange and foul. And the bells are ringing but they don’t sound pretty any more, not any more at all.’
Peter’s face had suddenly collapsed into tears. He covered it with both hands, then turned and ran out of the door and out of the flat. His running feet pounded down the stairs and the front door banged.
‘Oh dear,’ said Morgan. She closed the sitting room door. ‘Have another drink, Rupert. I think we need one.’
‘How can you be—so calm—’ said Rupert. His tongue was still impeded.
‘I’m not calm, you perfect fool. I’m on the verge of hysterics. But what good would it do us if I started screaming? I must say, you were pretty helpful, weren’t you, sitting there tongue-tied and looking the absolute picture of guilt!’
‘We are guilty.’
‘What do you say? Don’t mumble so.’
‘We are guilty.’
‘Rupert, you make me sick. You entered this situation quite deliberately, with your eyes open. Now when we get this awful shock you just fold up. All right, go round and tell Hilda all about it. And I’ll go to Saint Tropez or Marrakesh or Timbuctoo, and not on your money!’
‘Morgan, please don’t shout at me. I’m very upset.’
‘I’m very upset too!’
‘And we’ve got to
think.
’
‘You’re right there. Please forgive me, Rupert. I’m very sorry. I’m just rather knocked out by that visitation.’
‘Who on earth could have told him?’
‘Axel.’
‘Axel?’
‘Yes. I’ve already worked that one out. I started doing my thinking at once.’
‘Why Axel?’
‘He’s the only person who detests me,’ said Morgan. ‘And he’s about the only person who’s likely to have found out. You must have left one of my letters lying about on your desk at the office. And I’ve been expressing myself rather warmly of late!’
‘But I never left any letters lying about—I destroyed them all immediately—’
‘All right, all right, I’m not blaming you, here have a drink for Christ’s sake. I must say I hope Hilda
doesn’t
know. And there’s your ghastly celebration dinner tomorrow. What a moment for a family gathering! At any rate you won’t have me there. I think I’ll be genuinely out of town tomorrow.’
‘What was that about your rolling him in the grass in the railway cutting?’
‘I kissed him on the way back from Cambridge. It was silly of me. It was a hot day.’
‘Did you let him make love to you?’
‘No, of course not! Really, Rupert, are you going to start being jealous of Peter?’
‘No,’ said Rupert. He got up heavily. ‘I’m much more troubled about Hilda—’

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