A Fairy Tale of New York (22 page)

"How am I going to sell my antiques if I don't keep in touch with my store. Got a great thing, I got them drilling holes in the picture frames to make it look like real worms been in the wood. Want to buy an old master, Admiral. Cheap. For the dining room on your yacht.''

"Forgeries from some back room in the Bronx.''

''Genuine, out of real European castles.''

''O 'Eourke have you ever even been in an art gallery.''

"What for. I do all right. I got two recent college graduates. I always say if they got degrees, they get nervous when they steal. Makes them easier to catch.''

A knock. O'Eourke shouting to come into the den of vipers. At the door a white uniformed girl hesitating. Pushing a trolley with a silver tea pot and tray of manicuring instruments.

"I 'm looking for Admiral Brown.''

''There he is. That powerful brute there.''

"Shut up O'Rourke. Come in young lady. What's your name."

"Gertrude. Gertrude Gentle."

"Just come over here. I'll have some of that tea. You don't mind my calling you Gertrude.''

"No sir."

"I'm sick of being called sir, call me anything but sir. Makes me feel I 'm some sort of freak.'' 1 s

"Hey gee Admiral you 're no freak.''

"Shut up O'Rourke."

"Now Admiral none of that, I know what you've got in that teapot."

"I'm having a lump of sugar in it."

"Put milk in it."

"Miss Gentle, tell that man in the tattered robe there, didn't you ask for the Admiral's tea and isn't this what they gave you."

"Yes sir."

"See I told you O 'Eourke, tea.''

"Whiskey. Put milk in it. What about that Cornelius. Isn't this a disgrace. In a temple of athletic achievement. Hey, now Admiral, now why don't you, before you have your nails done, have a little spar around the ring with Cornelius.''

O'Rourke switching on lights. Thunder rattling windows down the canyon street. Horns honking in the rain. See out there, folk without hats, sodden newspapers over their heads. For a moment in here. Safe and privileged. Washed my arse like Doctor Pedro said. Left Fanny biting her lip. After she blurted, you want to get away from me don't you. And I phoned Charlotte for a date. When you see so many people in the backs of buses in this town, wreathed in mystified smiles. Faces of the dead. All their flavour gone.

''Did you hear what I said Admiral. You scared.''

"Ha ha, thanks for the stimulating suggestion O'Rourke. If you want to invite Mr Christian into the ring with me. All he has to do is accept."

Christian bashfully bowing his head. Demonstrate cowardice. With a straight gentlemanly refusal.

''I think I'd rather not."

''Come on now Cornelius, the Admiral promises not to use anything lethal. Remember Admiral, the corkscrew punch is illegal, you understand that. I don't want anybody hurt while I 'm running this gym. Got that Admiral.''

"It behooves me."

"Behoove behoove behoove, what do you mean behoove. Big words are banned here. All I want is your solemn promise not to use the corkscrew punch, never mind the behoove business. There now Cornelius, got the Admiral's solemn promise."

''I still think I 'd rather not.''

"Hey come on Cornelius. What more can you ask for than the Admiral's solemn promise not to touch you with the corkscrew. On your boy scout's honor now Admiral, you're not going to use the corkscrew."

"Don't be preposterous, when have I ever struck a man who couldn't defend himself.''

"There you are Cornelius. Go in there with the Admiral. You'll get some pointers. Come on, before he gets manicured. The Admiral can make believe you're a Jew, and make believe he's black. And may the best race win.''

"Ok, all right."

"Attaboy Cornelius. Admiral, watch it now. No full weight behind punches."

"To me O'Rourke sport is give and take. I don't want to mix it with someone who can't defend himself.''

"Cornelius is no cripple Admiral. But if you hold the corkscrew in check, nobody is going to get hurt.''

''I can never promise to keep the corkscrew in check.''

''But you just promised.''

"It's an instinctive punch with me. And comes out of nowhere. I don't even know how I do it myself.''

"It's pretty obvious Admiral where it comes from, look at the way you're set up, like a kid of twenty.''

"Well I keep myself in shape. Every ship that goes to sea under my command is in a rigorous state of health and fitness."

"Now Miss Gentle, would you know by looking at the Admiral that he has one of the most lethal punches ever seen in the ring.

Naturally he doesn't like it talked about. But you can't deny it Admiral."

"God damn it I don't deny it. I prefer it to be known. But anyone entering the ring with me knows the risk he runs by doing so."

"Everytime you walk out of here, I can hear the muggers running Admiral. But I just finished, you heard me twice, telling Cornelius you weren't going to use it. You wouldn't be that kind of sportsman.''

"Why don't you buy a new robe O 'Eourke.''

"Hey what's wrong with my robe.''

"This young lady here, I don't want her to think we boxers have no sartorial elegance.''

"Where do you get off with that word sartorial. Speak English. Cornelius there, he's got no elegance neither. He told me it was a cultured European touch to wear rags. Come on, you going to box with Cornelius or aren't you.''

"If he's prepared I 'm prepared.''

O'Rourke leaping over a bench. Grabbing a pair of boxing gloves. Pushing them on Cornelius.

"Miss Gertrude, you tie up the Admiral will you. I mean his gloves. Make sure no flying laces.''

Two contestants center ring. O'Eourke hovering between them, a hand on Christian's back and another on the Admiral's elbow.

"Now remember, no hitting on the break. No rabbit punches. I'm going to watch for any foul blows in this. I want a clean racist fight."

Bong the gong. Christian jumping back. Instantly employing the reverse shuffle dance. As the Admiral with a rotating straight left does the bull charge. Crashing into the ropes. Muttering, you son of a bitch, as Christian spidered away. And O 'Eourke sits himself down to the tea pot.

''Well Admiral I 'll just help myself to a little tea.''

"Get away from that tea pot."

"Just a sip. Well what do you know, it is tea.''

"You scoundrel."

"So this is what you train on Admiral. Now we know where you got that corkscrew punch. Cornelius you duck when it comes."

Christian doing his flubbididub step. Neatly avoiding the additional bull charge perpetrated by the growling Admiral. Who looses a right hook over Christian's ducking head.

"That's the way Cornelius. Show him the footwork. Dazzle him so he can't explode the corkscrew at you.

Gertrude Gentle turning to O'Eourke with her eyebrows raised on a smooth powdered face.

''They 're not going to hurt each other.''

"Shussh. Just humouring the Admiral along, he couldn't break a spider's web.

"O this is just a joke."

''Just a joke. That's it Cornelius, keep well away from that right. Circle. Watch it, the Admiral's getting set. Now Admiral remember what I told you. Make sure the corkscrew is at half power."

"Shut up."

"Hey I got to tell my fighter what to do. Watch it Cornelius he's sizing up your style. Hey, you're running Cornelius. Take your beating like a man. Don't go yellow. Personal bravery is what made this country great. As well as the big bombs we got. What's a matter Admiral, go after him."

''He's backing away. I can't hit him.''

"Not surprising. Miracle Cornelius isn't making for the ferry. That was the corkscrew you just sent whistling past his ear. Are you all right Cornelius.''

''Fine. Just warming up.''

"I'm watching you Admiral. I don't want any unconscious bodies in this boxing room. I'm responsible for all lives in here. This is just like a ship.''

"Christian's doing all right. He doesn't need your shipboard advice. He's got a nice little punch. Just caught me. Nice punch. Only don't forget to tell me if I 'm hurting you."

''You 're not hurting me.''

"Hey the two of you in there are starting to become friends. Hit him Cornelius. There you are Miss Gentle. Two fine men. Real sportsmen. Truly the manly art. Look at the Admiral's clean crisp punching. Note the way he flexes his knee and puts his shoulder into it.''

O'Rourke pouring tea. Miss Gentle putting a cup to her lips. And splutters it out.

"O my goodness. I really thought it was tea.''

O 'Rourke on his feet raising a shaking fist. A general slowing down of action. Feinting and pushing. Huffing and puffing.

"Jew fight. Let's see some action. Get that Arab, he's wide open, Cornelius, for a belt to the nose. That's it, get him before he tries the corkscrew. Punish him around the belly. Now a left, hook him, hook him. Watch it Cornelius, that stance the Admiral 's using is deadly.''

Christian lowering gloves. Moving in with his chin. -Ducking as a right cross from the Admiral flies overhead. O'Rourke jumping off the floorboards.

"I saw it, I saw it, that was it. The corkscrew Admiral. The dreaded deadly punch. At full power. You know it's fatal at close quarters."

"You just stop drinking my whiskey.''

"You admit it. Well I saw you. If Christian hadn't ducked we'd be picking up his head from over there on Wall Street. Good mind to stop the fight.''

A thump. Admiral's glove connecting with Christian's chin. Slowly turning him round as he plummets to the canvas, landing spread eagled on his back. Gertrude Gentle jumping to her feet. Hands to her lips. As O'Rourke winks and pushes her seated again.

"Hey you hit him with the corkscrew. Now don't say you didn't Admiral. I saw you do it. Look at him, you've knocked him right out. Told you not to use it, you don't know your own strength."

Cool moist wind coming in the window. Flashes of distant lightning. Admiral mountainously standing over the slain Christian. Lifting his chin. Raising a gloved hand of triumph. And with a slow swagger crossing the ring and slipping through the crimson ropes.

"What's the idea, Admiral, hey we've got to pick him up, just don't leave him like that. He needs artificial respiration."

"It was merely a tap. Leave him there. He's had that coining for a long time. Knock some sense into him. Won't be coming in here again talking a lot of nonsense.''

"Well Admiral let me shake your hand. Now don't give me the dynamite shake. Just a shake. Didn't want to tell you, but you know that's the first time Cornelius Christian's ever hit deck, to use a sea faring phrase. Didn't want to say anything but he was middle Atlantic champ before he went to Europe. Seventeen straight knockouts.''

"Well he had me guessing. Just for a few seconds. I've often refrained from using the corkscrew even when I've seen an inviting opening. But that kid's too smart for his own good. Not enough red blood these days."

"You bet Admiral."

"When I took my first ship to sea I used to skip rope around the quarter deck for two hours before breakfast, This country wasn't a whole lot of scruffy creampuffs then. That's how I got this stomach you call a beer barrel. Barrel of nails. You, young girl. Give it a punch. Try it. Go on. Don't be shy. That's it. There."

"O gosh sir, it is hard."

"You show her Admiral, armour plating. That's where, Gertrude, they got the idea, from the Admiral's belly. Bet Christian knew he was hitting something when he tried a few on that.''

"That's what a clean life does O 'Bourke.''

''Cleaned out your teapot for you, Admiral.''

"Miss Gentle take no notice of him."

''O I'm not Admiral. But is Mr Christian, is he all right.''

"Good, my dear, to see someone like you so concerned. Gives your eyes a nice look. But I assure you he'll come around in a few days. Won't be able to chew for a couple of months, but hell be all right. Well that was a good afternoon's workout.''

''I just thought I saw him twitch.''

"Gertrude don't worry. My corkscrew never does anybody any permanent harm. Just puts them to sleep. It's scientific. The glove rotates as the punch leaves and when it lands, quicker than the eye can see, it has an extra penetrating force. Developed it after years of experiment, based on the rifling in a gun barrel. Throw some water on him.''

"Gee Admiral, look at him, felled like a tree. But Cornelius took it like a man. But you shouldn't have done it, Admiral.

"Do him good. Today's mollycoddling youth needs a shaft up the ass, excuse me Miss Gentle, my girl, but that's what youth needs. Stiffen their spines. But no hard feelings. In the ring I may be a killer but outside I believe in behaving like a normal human being. Any born boxer would have done what I did when he saw his opening.''

"Your conscience is clear, Admiral. I think maybe Cornelius did have it coming to him. Like a lot of guys who feel this country could do with changing. And that our wives are out to get us for alimony and sell themselves."

"O'Rourke I think that kind of talk is out of place with Gertrude present here.''

"But I like men who hate women.''

"Hey get that Admiral. If Cornelius was only conscious he would have liked that remark.''

"Goodbye O'Rourke."

"So long Admiral. And watch the corkscrew, it's banned from now on."

O'Rourke chuckling as the big brown door closes and clicks shut. Turning to the ring. The prostrate Christian. Open eyed face staring at the ceiling. A siren screaming. A bell clanging, down the street. A friendly fire somewhere.

"That was great Cornelius. Why the Admiral will be inviting you down to his boat, get free rides all round the harbour. I have to laugh, that was really good acting, for a second I really thought it looked like he knocked you cold.''

Christian with arms stretched facing east and west crosstown. Blond head pointing uptown and dark heels downtown.

"Hey Cornelius, come on get up, what's the matter. The Admiral's gone."

O 'Rourke bending over Christian. Touching his head.

"Christ, Cornelius, he really hit you. Wake up. Hey gee I'm going to have to get the smelling salts.''