A Fractured Light (16 page)

Chapter 20

“T
hese woods remind me of home,” Asher said softly, almost to himself. He stepped out of the shadows and took my hand. It wasn’t the first time I found myself wondering if his home could be my home, too. Except now I was more confused than ever about where my home should be.

A tiny spark ignited between our fingertips.

“Asher,” I said. “What’s our next move?”

He leaned in closer to me and raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’m glad you asked.”

“No, stop.” I pushed him away. “I mean the Rebellion. The Order fired the first shot, right? They killed Oriax. So what’s our move? Shouldn’t we retaliate?” I was fishing for information, but all it did was make him take a step backward. He let my hand fall to my side, and his eyes grew stormy and even darker than usual.

“We don’t know that yet,” he said. “We’re waiting for you to get full control of your powers. Then we’ll strike. The Rebels don’t feel that we have to rush this. They’re biding their time.”

“But I
am
stronger. You said so yourself. I’m getting stronger every day.”

“Look, it’s not time yet. All I know is that I have to protect you until you’re ready. I have to make sure there are no threats to you.” The unspoken subtext was clear:
Or to your allegiance to the Rebellion.
“Is it so much to ask”—he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration—“for you to trust me?”

“Maybe I should be saying the same thing to you,” I said quietly.

He met my gaze for a full beat, fire with fire. Then he turned abruptly. I watched him wind through the trees and disappear among the shadows.

I started to make my way back to where I’d left my friends when the hairs on the back of my neck prickled. I looked up—and saw Devin standing several feet away, in a dark cluster of trees. Even in the darkness, I could see his blue eyes flashing. I met his gaze head-on, but he seemed to hesitate.

I wouldn’t look away. Even from where I stood, I could tell he wanted to ask me something. And curiosity got the better of me. I had to know if what Ardith and Gideon had said was true—if he did still care about me. Or if everything he’d ever made me believe was a lie.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as we walked toward each other.

“Skye,” he said, his voice hushed, muffled by the trees and the sounds of the party.

“Hey,” I said softly.

“Are you all right? I saw you fall and—”

“I’m fine,” I said. He eyed me with cautious interest.

“When you blacked out,” he said carefully, “did you . . . see anything?” In the distance, I could hear the fire crackle and snap, the occasional laughter. If I said too much, it could be dangerous. But if I didn’t say anything at all, Devin wouldn’t be able to help me.

“I had this strange sort of dream.” I was afraid to meet his eyes, but when I did, he looked almost excited, though it was hard to tell with his face half obscured by shadows.

He leaned in closer, dropping his voice. “You had a vision, didn’t you?” My heart was racing. How did he know?
What
did he know? I nodded as if in a trance. “What did you see?”

Could I trust him?
Of course not.
I answered my own stupid question.
But the thing is, can you really trust Asher now, either?

And the truth was that I had to tell someone about the visions. I needed help figuring out what they meant. And right now Devin was the only one who might give me that help.

“I was on a beach,” I said slowly, gauging his reaction. His eyes widened, but he let me continue. “And I was walking through the mist. I wore a beautiful dress, the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen—but it was soaked and dirty from the sand. It was stained with blood.”

“Is that it?” he asked quietly.

“No. Ahead of me, I could see a shape on the ground. And in the vision, I knew it was a body. Someone was lying there, and I couldn’t see who.”

I wondered if I should tell him about what I’d thought to myself in the vision.
Which one of them did I hit?
But I didn’t want to tell Devin
all
of my secrets. I had to hold a couple of them close to my chest.

“Skye,” he asked. “Have you ever had visions of things that have happened?”

I thought about it.

“I—I think so. Before that night in the woods, I passed out in the parking lot at the mall, and I saw Asher telling me everything was going to be okay. And he was going to find someone to save me.” I wondered how I hadn’t realized this before. Though it wasn’t exactly like I’d had a lot of free time to sit and puzzle it out. “That night, Asher flew me off into the clouds. And he said the same words to me. ‘I can’t save you, Skye. I’ll find someone who can.’”

Devin’s eyes remained impassive as he studied me. I felt the need to keep talking.

“But there were other things, too, that were total fiction. Like the moment on the beach. I couldn’t live farther from a beach, so that one seems unlikely. And one time, I saw myself opening a shoe box in Aunt Jo’s closet. There was also one . . .” I blushed violently. I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“What?” he asked.

Could I?

“One time I saw us dancing.” I wanted to look away, but I willed myself not to back down. If Ardith and Gideon were right, I couldn’t let him think I was weaker than him.

“You and me?” His eyes flickered with uncertainty.

“Yeah,” I said. “You and me.” I held my ground.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, Devin, I’m sure. I—” I cut myself off abruptly, realizing that I’d fallen too easily back into the teacher-student rhythm we’d become so practiced at. Devin pushing me to my limit and me pushing it right back in his face. I crossed my arms and looked him square in the eye. A challenge. “What about it?”

“You had a vision that we were dancing.” He repeated it not as a question but as some long-sought-after fact he’d suddenly stumbled upon while looking for something else; he could hardly believe the words. I nodded. My voice was lost somewhere in my throat.

Before I knew what was happening, Devin wove his fingers through mine. They were slightly cool, and smooth—so unlike Asher’s, which were always the opposite: wind chapped and warm from the elements. When Asher touched me with those hands, I couldn’t think straight; my mind went blank. Devin’s touch brought a kind of clarity with it.

It wasn’t his fault.

I closed my eyes and my fingers wove through his.

The Order forced him.

“Skye,” he said, his voice coming out so strangled. “I didn’t want to do it.”

I opened my eyes again and found myself lost in his. So many different feelings trapped beneath a hard layer of ice.

“I know,” I murmured. “I mean, I think I knew that all along.”

His grip on my hands tightened, and his eyes flicked over my shoulder, scanning the woods for anyone who might be listening in. “It wasn’t me that night,” he said urgently. If a Guardian heard what Devin was telling me now, I could only imagine how dangerous the consequences might be for him.
And possibly
—I realized with a twist of my gut—
for me
. “It was the Order. They gave me a command. I had no choice. I’ve never had a choice. Not when it comes to you. Controlling your life—or ending it. It’s all the same. Something they tell me to do, and I have to obey.”

“But why?” I asked, the trembling in my voice threatening to take over. “Why do you have to?”

“It’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been and who I’m fated to be. The Order will make sure of that.”

“And Raven?”

“We’ve been destined for each other since we first grew wings. The Order saw it, and so it was.” He swallowed hard. “Everything they can foresee will happen. They’ll make sure it does, even if their ability to see is now more difficult.” He looked at me pointedly. “They’ll only find fiercer and more determined ways to manipulate fate. There is nothing we can do about it.”

It was shocking—scary, almost—to hear him talk like this. Devin had always been so quick to defend the Order and their ways. Now that their path encompassed something so personal to him, was he faltering in his beliefs?

“The purple flower,” I said. “You left that for me. I know you did. Why?”

“At first, I had to stay as far away from you as possible. I was sure that your Rebel”—a fresh layer of ice seemed to crystalize in his eyes—“was planning revenge for what I did. Or worse—that
you
were.”

“Tutoring. Homeroom.”

He nodded, closing his eyes as if in pain. “I was sick with what I almost did to you. But then, after that morning in the hall, I thought that maybe I could make you understand. You know what it’s like to feel as if you have no say in the course of your life. I left you the flower. I hoped you would understand what it meant.”

“I did, but—”

He took a small, tentative step forward. “But what?”

“But there’s a difference between you and me. You let them control you, and you do nothing to change that. I never could! I have to figure out what’s happening to me—control it—
fight.
I’ve been fighting since you first showed me your wings and made me understand that the same thing awaited
me
.”

“You have a choice, Skye. I don’t!”

“You do,” I said, my voice rising. “All Guardians do!” I paused, breathing deep to steady myself. I knew that the second I said the words that were on my lips, I could never take them back. And who knew what kind of chain of events they would set into motion. “You can jump.”

“What?” His fingers unlaced themselves from mine. His hands fell to his sides.

“Jump,” I said again. “Leave the Order if you hate it so much. Pledge yourself to chaos, fight against their commands—do
some
thing to change your fate. Become a Rebel.” I grabbed his hands again. “You could be
happy
, Devin. Have you ever been happy?”

“No,” Devin said, backing away. “That’s impossible. No, I could never. I couldn’t just turn my back—”

“But think about it—”

“What you’re asking of me is enormous—”

“You wouldn’t have to adhere to their rules anymore.” I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. “You’d be free!”

“Rules are all I know.” He said it fiercely, and for a second, I swore that the fine layer of ice in his eyes shattered with the effort it took to control himself. His hands were curled tightly into fists, shaking by his sides. “I wouldn’t know how to live without them.”

“But you’d figure it out!” I gasped. “That’s all we can ever do, Devin!”

His fists shook harder and then his arms—as if it took more effort than he could exert to hold them down—and before I knew it they had flown up to grab me by the shoulders and pull me to him tightly.

“Why?” he growled. The anger that boiled below the surface of his voice was terrifying. I had seen him yell at me plenty of times, but this—the depth of this—was something new. “Why do you care about this so much? Why do you care about
me
? I failed you. I could do it again. You shouldn’t trust me.” His voice broke on the word
trust
, and our bodies were so close that I could feel a shudder wrench through him. “You deserve so much better!”

“You believed in me,” I said. “When I didn’t believe in myself, when I didn’t think I could make wind or rain or bring a flower back to life, you knew I had it in me.” His grasp on my shoulders tightened, just barely—but something new was stirring in his eyes. “Well, I believe in you, too. I know you could live a far better life as a Rebel than you ever could as a Guardian. And—I miss you.” I’d said it. The words I’d been denying to myself since I woke up in the cabin. They were words I’d been longing to say for so long, and they’d come flying out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them.

Devin looked like he hadn’t heard me right. “What did you say?”

“What?” I tried hard not to laugh. “No one’s ever missed you before?”

“No,” he said simply. “No one.”

And then it was like the force of the world was at his wings, pulling him toward me. And his lips neared mine, and his hands were running through my hair, and his body was pushing me up against a tree that was hidden in shadows. And he kissed me. For the first time, he kissed me.

And I remembered something.

In a flash, Devin’s body was pressed against mine, backing me into the row of lockers. But it wasn’t cool, smooth metal that I felt behind me. The floor had prickled up into frosted grass, and I was leaning against a tree under a canopy of night.

“Skye,” he murmured, bringing me back to the present. He ran his fingers slowly down my arms, leaving trails of tiny goose bumps.

Wait.

His kiss was passionate, angry, sad. It was so full of longing, full of everything that a Guardian wasn’t and couldn’t ever be.

This happened before.

I felt dizzy.

No—it didn’t happen. I saw
it.

Fear ripped through me. This didn’t feel right. I started to struggle against him.