A Heart Not Easily Broken (The Butterfly Memoirs) (29 page)

She let her heart get involved.

I couldn’t let her go through with it. I had to tell her about Javan.

“Ebony, talk to me.”

Oh, God, telling her meant Brian would find out, too. What choice did I have? Continuing to keep this secret would only ruin Yasmine’s life. Hadn’t I done enough already?

I rose from the toilet’s edge, moved to the sink, and rinsed the taste of bile from my mouth.

“There’s something you’re not telling me. You’ve been acting strange lately, crying, and now you’re throwing up? What is really going on?” Brian grabbed my shoulders and spun me around to face him. “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Confusion and fear were etched into Brian’s brow. I could no longer continue to live this lie. I had to have faith in our love. I had to trust Brian would believe me. I opened my mouth to speak, but the words I needed to say stuck in my throat.

“No, I’m not.” I pulled away and turned back to the sink.

“Then what is it? Why do you cry all the time? You’ve been shedding tears as though, I don’t know…as if you’re not happy with me. Damn it, Ebony, you even cry when we make love. Is it me? Am I right? Would you rather be with someone else?”

I turned around to face him, leaning against the counter’s edge for support. I had to find my voice. “No, Brian, it’s not that. I want to be with you…it’s just…”

He eyed me suspiciously. “It’s just what?” He huffed. “Ebony, you’ve changed. We used to get together any chance we could and it didn’t matter where we were. Now we only spend time together on your terms. At your place, or anywhere but here. I damn near dragged you inside tonight. You’ve never acted that way before. And now the moment Yasmine says she’s marrying Javan, you run in here and…” His eyes narrowed. “That’s it…shit!” He spun and punched a hole in the bathroom wall.

I shrunk back, my heart pounding at his outburst. I’d never seen him angry before. Fear crept into my veins.

“Baby, what are you talking about?”

“You’d rather be with Javan,” Brian said through tight lips. “He warned me, he flat out told me you’d been with someone else, but I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want to believe him. What he really meant is you’d been with him.” He shook his head in disgust. “Why? Ebony, you said you loved me. And Yasmine…your best friend?”

“He told you I slept with him?”

The arrogant son of a bitch. He wasn’t sure I wouldn’t tell Brian what he’d done and covered his ass.

 “I didn’t sleep with Javan. He raped me.”

The moment the words left my mouth, my eyes widened. The ugly truth was out on the table.

“That’s a lie,” Brian spat out.

I was speechless. That’s not how he was supposed to react. Angry, yes, but not at me. The man who loved me was supposed to pull me in his arms, tell me everything would be okay.

He was supposed to go find Javan and beat his ass.

Brian stalked the small space in the bathroom. “How could you lie? Rape? That’s the one thing a woman can say to ruin a man’s reputation for the rest of his life.” He faced me; his blue eyes now ice cold. “You’re a grown-ass woman, Ebony. I’m a grown-ass man who,” he chuckled darkly, “loves you so much I was ready to step aside and let you decide if you wanted to be with someone else.” The tone of his voice went frigid as he squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled deeply. “Apparently I waited too long. Since you’ve made up your mind, we don’t have to waste any more time. Who do you want, me, him, or someone else?” His eyes flashed opened and zeroed on me.

I was in complete shock. Did he not hear a word I said? How could the man I love not believe me? What reason did he have to accuse me of defamation of character?

I breathed deeply. I had to make Brian believe me.

“I would never lie about something like this.” My voice and body shook; it took everything within me to project my voice.

His expression continued to show disbelief. My word against Javan’s strategic lie was not enough.

“Do you remember the day after you left? You called…I told you about my lost ID?” He glared but didn’t answer. “You told Javan to let me in. He did. He followed me to your room and questioned me about our relationship. He cornered me, Brian. I made it to the living room.” My throat tightened, my breathing became rapid, making me lightheaded. I shut my eyes, unable to avoid visualizing the scene once again.

“He told me I should give him a try…” My voice faltered. “He backed me into the bookcase…your CDs fell…” Javan’s ragged breathing flooded my ears. “I begged him to let me leave. He laughed.
He laughed
.” Tears sprung as the pain of the past few months forced its way out.  “Oh, God, Brian, I ran…I fought, but he slammed me into the wall…” My rapid breathing made it impossible to articulate. “He dragged me to his room…and raped me.”

Brian stared, his jaw clenched and he drew his lips into a tight line. “If he raped you, why didn’t you tell me? Why wasn’t he arrested?”

“Because, I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to stop what you were doing to see about me, I didn’t”

His hand flew up and stopped me in mid-sentence. “You know, I thought we could work through this. I want you to be honest and just admit you slept with him. I can deal with that. But I can’t deal with the lies. I’ve never lied to you, Ebony. Never about my feelings, my family…nothing. I expect the same from you.” His eyes held pain and disbelief. “If all you can do is lie to me, then it’s best if you leave.” Brian punched the door and stormed out of the bathroom.

Unable to stand on weak knees, I slid soundlessly to the floor.

What the hell happened? I had been honest. I had told the truth. And now he no longer wanted me.

Javan’s cynical laughter replayed in my head.
‘You cheated on him. That’s what he’ll say. Why would he believe you?’

He was right.

Brian believed the liar, convinced the person who told the truth was the one being deceitful.

Javan won.

I lost everything that mattered most.

The man I loved walked away from me.

The moment Yasmine learned the truth; I would lose my best friend.

And I lost the baby that could have been.

My heart broke into pieces on his bathroom floor. I did the only thing I could do, pulled myself together and went to his room. He wasn’t there. I dressed quickly and gathered my things.

Brian sat on the sofa in the living room with his head in his hands. Disheveled blond curls and blue eyes rimmed in red regarded me. His lips parted to speak, but nothing came out.

So I spoke instead.

“You’re right, Brian. I have lied, and I’m sorry. But I would never lie about something like this.” My voice remained unbelievably controlled despite the whirlwind of emotions that flooded me as I died inside. “You asked about me being pregnant. No, I’m not, but I could have been. Now I’ll never know. Javan didn’t use a condom. I took a morning-after pill to protect myself, to protect you. I couldn’t stand what would have happened if I was pregnant, not knowing whose child I carried. What would have happened if I gave birth to a child that wasn’t yours? Could you live with that? I never wanted you to find out about this, Brian. I wanted to have your baby. Now, because of what Javan did to me, I may have very well killed it. You have no idea how much that hurts me.” My balled fist went to my stomach and my heart; my voice began to warble. I took a deep breath to steady myself. 

Brian’s eyes widened.

“Now I have to live with the consequences of my decisions. You wanted honesty, there it is. I swear to you, I’ve never lied about my feelings for you. I wish you would believe me, but if you don’t…” Unable to continue, I took one last long look at him, praying he’d say something.

He didn’t.

I turned and walked out the door.

I managed to hold my emotions in check as I backed out of his driveway.

Two miles down the road I pulled into a gas station and succumbed to tears.

Chapter 35

The woman I loved walked out of my life without slamming the door.

What the
fuck
just happened?

Twenty minutes ago, we were lying in bed while I said the stupidest shit in my life.

I love you. I want you to be happy. I want you to be sure.

It was all true.

I loved her
deeply
. I wanted her to be happy
with me
. I needed her
to be sure
.

Listening to Brad talk about how his willingness to give the love of his life up solidified their happy ending was admirable. Was I wrong for wanting the same?

Ebony made it known the night we met I was not her type. But I wanted her. My persistence eventually broke down her walls and let me in. Not just as a friend, not just as a lover, but into her heart.

At least that’s what I thought.

Ebony was mine when I left town. She promised to wait for me. I promised her I’d be faithful, and I had been. No matter how many times temptation to relieve the sexual frustration building inside waved itself in my face.

 I never questioned her whereabouts nor speculated what she was doing the times she didn’t answer her phone. Ebony never gave me reason to not trust her with my heart.

I remembered the day she changed. Things were fine the first day I was gone. We talked, sent text messages, flirted on the phone, taunting and teasing late into the night.

Until day two.

It was the night of our first show and the stadium was filled to capacity. Anxious to tell her about it, I called after two A.M., even though she would be going to class early the next morning. When there was no answer, I assumed she was asleep. We hadn’t missed a call the same time the night before. I was disappointed, but understood.

That was the night Ebony came back to my house for the ID she claimed to have lost.

I closed my eyes. Then it dawned on me. She hadn’t answered because she lay under Javan. The image of her caramel legs spread wide for him, mocking me as he pumped inside of her pushed itself in my head.

He hadn’t answered his cell either.

Dammit!

We talked the next day. I asked about the missing card and it took a minute before she answered my question. With all the problems she’d endured because of losing the thing, it surprised me she hadn’t been excited about getting her book.

I sent her the money she needed and extra for anything else she hadn’t mentioned.

Now I understood.

She used the lost ID as a ruse, a convenient excuse for her to slip in and fuck Javan’s brains out.

Ebony was that damn good in bed.

I rubbed the aching spot in my chest, the place where my heart had been before she ripped it out.

No wonder he’d been smug about the possibility of her cheating. He’d been joking about sleeping with her since the first time I mentioned her name. If Ebony gave him a hint of wanting to fuck him, he’d jump at the opportunity without thinking twice.

The sick bastard.

What happened to the Ebony I knew? The beautiful, caring, hard-working woman I’d fallen in love with? That woman would never lie about her feelings for me, then sleep with my so-called friend. My Ebony would never sleep with her best friend’s boyfriend.

I rose from the sofa to pace the living room.

The last night we spent in my bed before I left town blew my mind. She declared her love for me. She promised to wait for me. She promised to love our baby if she’d gotten pregnant.

The love we’d made that night had been like nothing we’d ever done before. I knew without a doubt she wanted to be with me.

When I boarded the bus, she kissed me with such passion everyone within viewing distance knew the depth of our relationship.

If Ebony truly meant it, why in the hell would she cheat on me less than two days later?

I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

‘Javan raped me.’

Why allege the assault? I stopped in the middle of the living room and dug the heels of my palms into my eyes to wipe the memory of the conversation away. It didn’t work. Ebony’s pained expression planted itself firmly in my mind.

Her face appeared to be a mixture of pain, sorrow, and relief. Why? Why would telling me she’d been raped not made love to or even fucked be a relief?

If she cheated on me and I addressed it, wouldn’t she look guilty?

There was no evidence of embarrassment or regret in her voice or her eyes.

My pace brought me to the CD shelf and blocked my path.

Ebony claimed Javan trapped her between the sofa and the door.

I tried to picture it in my mind. Javan and I were the same height. At six-two, Ebony’s head stopped at my shoulder, making her the perfect height to lean down and kiss. The difference in our height made me feel the need to protect her like a fragile vase in need of care so that it wasn’t broken.

To Javan, she would be the perfect target for intimidation.

What had she said?

‘He slammed me into the wall…CDs hit the floor…’

My attention went directly to the shelf and the empty spaces of the missing discs. When I had gotten home the shelf had been out of order. Javan very rarely borrowed any of the discs. He preferred hi-tech equipment instead of old school CDs. He’d given me his entire collection after moving his music to MP3s.

Ebony hadn’t borrowed any discs.

On a hunch, I pulled the shelf away from the wall. Despite wishing I was wrong, the evidence didn’t lie.

The four-inch wide dent in the wall had not been there when I left. When I looked down I spied the missing CDs half hidden beneath the corner of the shelf. A thick layer of dust collected on them.

And there was Ebony’s ID, covered in the same layer of dust.

My heart dropped to the floor the same time my knees hit. I wrapped my fingers tightly around the plastic. My grip snapped it in half.

Ebony had been telling the truth.

Javan did rape her.

I am going to kill…that sick son-of-a-bitch.

Chapter 36

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kaitlyn sat on the edge of my bed and handed me two aspirin and a cup of water.