A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (4 page)

b) The Brotherly Love / Weird Symbiosis Factor This thread will be going throughout, and was as a matter of fact supposed to be the surprise conclusion reached at the end of the book, the big pay-off, as it were, that, while the author searches for love—there will be some episodes involving that—and his brother searches for, you know, whatever little kids search for (gum and pennies?) and together they try to be normal and happy, they actually will probably always be unsuccessful in any and every extracurricular relationship, given that the only people who they truly admire and love and find perfect are each other.

c) The Painfully, Endlessly Self-conscious Book Aspect

This is probably obvious enough already. The point is, the author doesn
’
t have the energy or, more important, skill, to fib about this being anything other than him
telling you about things, and is not a good enough liar to do it in any competently sublimated narrative way. At the same time, he will be clear and up-front about this being a self-conscious memoir, which you may come to appreciate, and which is the next theme:

c.2) The Knowingness About the Book
’
s Self-consciousness Aspect While the author is self-conscious about being self-referential, he is also knowing about that self-conscious self-referentiality. Further, and if you
’
re one of those people who can tell what
’
s going to happen before it actually happens, you
’
ve predicted the next element here: he also plans to be clearly, obviously aware of his knowingness about his self-consciousness of self-referentiality. Further, he is fully cognizant, way ahead of you, in terms of knowing about and fully admitting the gimmickry inherent in all this, and will preempt your claim of the book
’
s irrelevance due to said gimmickry by saying that the gimmickry is simply a device, a defense, to obscure the black, blinding, murderous rage and sorrow at the core of this whole story, which is both too black and blinding to look at—
avert.. .your.. .eyes!
—but nevertheless useful, at least to the author, even in caricatured or condensed form, because telling as many people as possible about it helps, he thinks, to dilute the pain and bitterness and

thus facilitate its flushing from his soul, the pursuit of which is the basis of the next cluster of themes:

d) The Telling the World of Suffering as Means of Flushing or at Least Diluting of Pain Aspect

For example, the author spends some time later relating his unsuccessful, though just barely unsuccessful, attempt to become a cast member of
The Real World
in 1994, when the show
’
s third season was being filmed in San Francisco. At that point, the author sought to do two related things: 1) to purge himself of his past by trumpeting his recent life
’
s events to the world, and thus, by spreading his pain, his heartbreaking story, to the show
’
s thousands or millions of watchers, he would receive in return a thousand tidal waves of sympathy and support, and never be lonely again; and 2) To become well known for his sorrows, or at least to let his suffering facilitate his becoming well known, while at the same time not shrinking from the admission of such manipulations of his pain for profit, because the admission of such motivations, at least in his opinion, immediately absolves him of responsibility for such manipulations
’
implications or consequences, because being aware of and open about one
’
s motives at least means one is not lying, and no one, except an electorate, likes a liar. We all like full disclosure, particularly if it includes the admission of one
’
s 1) mortality

and 2) propensity to fail. (Related, but not the same.)

e) The Putting This All Down as Tool

for Stopping Time Given the Overlap

with Fear of Death Aspect

and e)
’
s self-explanatory corollary,

e.2) In Addition to Putting This Down as Tool

for Stopping Time, the Sexual Rendezvous

with Old Friends or Grade School Crushes

as Tool for Collapsing of Time

and Vindication of Self-Worth

f) The Part Where the Author Either Exploits

or Exalts His Parents, Depending on Your

Point of View

g) The Unmistakable Feeling One Gets, After Something Truly Weird or Extraordinary, or Extraordinarily Weird, or Weirdly Terrible, Happens to Them, That in a Way They Have Been
Chosen
Aspect This of course happened to the author. After the double deaths, and his guardianship, he felt suddenly
watched
—he could not help but think, in much the same way someone who had been struck by lightning
might, that he had somehow been singled out, and that his life was thereafter charged with purpose, with the gravest importance, that he could not be wasting time, that he must act in accordance with his destiny, that it was so plainly obvious that.. .that..
.he had been chosen...to lead!

h) The Aspect Having to Do with (Perhaps) Inherited Fatalism This part concerns the unshakable feeling one gets, one thinks, after the unthinkable and unexplainable happens—the feeling that, if this person can die, and that person can die, and this can happen and that can happen. . .well, then, what exactly is preventing everything from happening to this person, he around whom everything else happened? If people are dying, why won
’
t he? If people are shooting people from cars, if people are tossing rocks down from overpasses, surely he will be the next victim. If people are contracting AIDS, odds are he will, too. Same with fires in homes, car accidents, plane crashes, random knifings, stray gunfire, aneurysms, spider bites, snipers, piranhas, zoo animals. It
’
s the confluence of the self-centeredness discussed in G), and a black sort of outlook one is handed when all rules of impossibility and propriety are thrown out. Thus, one starts to feeling that death is literally around each and every corner—and more
specifically, in every elevator; even more literally, that, each and every time an elevator door opens, there will be standing, in a trenchcoat, a man, with a gun, who will fire one bullet, straight into him, killing him instantly, and deservedly, both in keeping with his role as the object of so much wrath in general, and for his innumerable sins, both Catholic and karmic. Just as some police—particularly those they dramatize on television—might be familiar with death, and might expect it at any instant—not necessarily their own, but death generally—so does the author, possessing a naturally paranoid disposition, compounded by environmental factors that make it seem not only possible but
probable
that whatever there might be out there that snuffs out life is probably sniffing around for him, that his number is perennially, eternally, up, that his draft number is low, that his bingo card is hot, that he has a bull
’
s-eye on his chest and target on his back. It
’
s fun. You
’
ll see.

And finally:

i) The Memoir as Act of Self-destruction Aspect It can and should be the shedding of a skin, which is something one should do, as necessary and invigorating as the occasional facial, or colonic. Revelation is everything, not for its own sake, because most self-revelation is just garbage—
oop!
—yes, but we have to purge the garbage, toss it out, throw it into a bunker and burn it, because it is fuel. It
’
s fossil fuel. And what do we do with fossil fuel? Why, we dump it into a bunker and burn it, of course. No, we don
’
t do that. But you get my meaning. It
’
s endlessly renewable, usable without diminishing one
’
s capacity to create more. The author falls asleep shortly after he becomes drunk. The author has sex without condoms. The author falls asleep when he
’
s drunk having sex without condoms. There. That
’
s something. You have something. But what do you
have!

1.2) The Easy and Unconvincing Nihilistic Poseurism Re: Full Disclosure of One
’
s Secrets and Pain, Passing It Off Under a Semi-high-minded Guise When in Fact the Author Is Himself Very Private About Many or Most Matters, Though He Sees the Use in Making Certain Facts and Happenings Public

i.3) The Fact That, Below, or Maybe Next to,

the Self-righteousness, and the Self-hatred,

Is a Certain Hope, Instilled Far Before Any

of This Happened.

There will also be these threads, which are all more or less self-explanatory:

j) The Flouting of Sublimation as Evidence of Enforced Solipsism Aspect

k) The Solipsism as Likely Result of Economic, Historical and Geopolitical Privilege Aspect

l) The Toph Dialectic: He Serving as Both Inspiration for and Impediment to Writing of Memoir

m) The Toph Dialectic II: He Serving as Both Magnet and, When the Need Arises, Wedge Vis-a-Vis Relations with Women

Similarly:

n) The Parental Loss Dialectic: in Terms of That Factor Lending Itself Well to Situations Necessitating the Garnering of Sympathy and Also to Those Requiring a Quick Exit

Not to mention:

o) The Aspect Concerning the Unavoidability, Given the Situation with Brother, of Near-Constant Poignance

p) The Self-aggrandizement as Art Form Aspect

q) The Self-flagellation as Art Form Aspect

r) The Self-aggrandizement Disguised as Self-flagellation as Even Higher Art Form Aspect

s) The Self-canonization Disguised as Self-destruction Masquerading as Self-aggrandizement Disguised as Self-flagellation as Highest Art Form of All Aspect

t) The Search for Support, a Sense of Community, If You Will, in One
’
s Peers, in Those One
’
s Age, After One Looks Around and Realizes That All Others, All Those Older, Are Either Dead or Perhaps Should Be Aspect

u) The Fact That T) Dovetails Quite Nicely with

G) ASPECT

Or, in graph form (next page):

THE DEATHS

MUCH THINKING

ABOUT THE TRIUMPH

OF HUMAN SPIRIT

IN PARTICULAR,

the incredible,triumphant
rise of the
Eggers
brothers

IN GENERAL,

the triumph (or at least potential) of youth, and its preferentially over the aged and
infirm

WANTING TO
SAVE FRIENDS
AND PEERS
FROM DYING
QUIETLY
NEEDING,
in
lieu of extended
family, this idea
of
“
community
”
from peers

Etc.

MUCH THINKING ABOUT THE INEVITABILITY OF DECAY, AND

EARLY AND RANDOM DEATH, AND THE SHORT LIFE OF ANYTHING REAL OR BEAUTIFUL

IN WAKE OF

LOSS,
desperate attempt to hold things together

CARELESSNESS BORN OF HOPELESSNESS

Sometime-failure to use condoms

CONSTANT
CONTACT
W/ GRADE
SCHOOL
FRIENDS
FREQUENT CARNAL CONTACT
WITH GRADE SCHOOL FRIENDS
DUE TO

environmental factors in upbringing,
innate sense that ideas of
“
community
”
are silly and soft

CONVENIENT

belief that sexual contact with peers and grade school friends strengthens this idea of
“
community
”

Note: The above is actually part of a much larger chart, 18
”
X 24
”
(though not to scale), which maps out the entire book, mostly in type too small to read. It was supposed to be included with your purchase, but you know how these publishing companies are. It is instead available through the mail, at the address listed elsewhere in this section. The cost is $5. You will not be disappointed. Unless you are usually disappointed, in which case this will be yet another disappointment.

The author would also like to acknowledge what he was paid to write this book:

TOTAL (GROSS) . .........................$100,000.°°

DEDUCTIONS

Agent
’
s fee (15%).........................$15,000.°°

Taxes (after agent
’
s fee).....................$23,800.°°

EXPENSES RELATED TO PRODUCTION OF BOOK

Portion of rent, two years (btw$6oo&$i,5oo/mo) . . .
appnx:
$12,000.°°