A Hopeful Heart (8 page)

“He said he came by to see the horses, and I believe him. He’s from the city and he
missed being on a farm like his grandparents’.
Englishers
love coming here and seeing how we live. I don’t think anything inappropriate is
going on between
Mamm
and Mr. Peterson.”

“Amanda! Lillian!” Their mother’s voice bellowed from the porch. “Come inside. It’s
time for devotions.”

“Let’s go.” Amanda touched Lillian’s hand. “Trust God, Lily. Everything will be fine.”

They headed for the porch. Cool drops of rain kissed Lillian’s cheeks and she glanced
up at the dark clouds. A strange feeling of foreboding filled her, and she wished
she could be as positive and certain about Mr. Peterson as her sister was.

She followed Amanda up the porch steps and through the back door to the kitchen where
her mother and brother sat at the table. Lillian sat next to Amanda and folded her
hands.

After a silent prayer, she looked up and found her mother smiling at her. “Lillian,
why don’t you read and start on 2nd Corinthians tonight?”

“
Ya.
I’ll read.” Lillian took the book and began to read. She stopped after reading the
seventh verse. “‘And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share
in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.’“ She looked around the table
at her family. “This verse feels very poignant to me. What do you think it means?”

“I think it’s comforting,” Amanda said with a smile. “No matter what, God is with
us.”

Andrew nodded. “
Ya
, even when things are hard without our dat. Right,
Mamm
?”

Mamm
touched Andrew’s hand. “That’s what it means to me too.” She looked over at Lillian.
“Why don’t you keep reading before it gets too late? We need to head to bed soon.
Church comes early in the morning.”

Lillian finished reading the chapter and then they closed with a silent prayer. Lillian
lingered in the kitchen after her
siblings left to get ready for bed. She chewed the side of her lip as her mother stood
up from the table. She wanted to talk to her mother about what her grandmother had
said, but she didn’t want to be disrespectful. The worries and concerns about the
Englisher
, however, were haunting her every thought. She needed to know the truth about her
mother and Mr. Peterson.

Mamm
stood by the table and tilted her head. “What’s on your mind, Lily?”

Lillian cleared her throat. “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to be disrespectful.”

Her mother sat in the chair and folded her hands. “You’re never disrespectful. What
do you want to ask me?”

Lillian ran her fingers over the tabletop while she contemplated the right words.
“Did
Mammi
talk to you today while she was here?”

“Not really. Why do you ask?”

“She told me why she came over today. I wanted to ask you if she was right.”

“You want to know if she was right about what?”
Mamm
’s eyes narrowed.

Lillian could tell she’d struck a nerve, and she held her breath. Maybe she should’ve
just gone to her room and not said anything at all.

“Lillian?”
Mamm
leaned forward. “What did
Mammi
say to you?”

“She said she was concerned after
Onkel
Josh told her about Mr. Peterson coming to supper Wednesday.”

Mamm
frowned. “She told me that. Is that all she said?”

Lillian shook her head. “She was very upset when she saw he was here again today.
She’s concerned you’re not a
gut
role
model for Amanda and me, and she’s worried you’re going to get a reputation in the
community.” Her mother’s expression fell, and she was certain she spotted tears in
her eyes. Lillian immediately regretted her words. “I’m sorry,
Mamm.
I shouldn’t have told you she said that about you.”

“It’s okay.”
Mamm
sniffed. “I’m
froh
you told me. Did
Mammi
say anything else?”

Lillian nodded. “She said she was concerned about your relationship with Mr. Peterson.”
She hesitated. “I got the impression she’s worried that you want to be more than his
freind.
”

“You look like you want to ask me something. What do you want to say?”

“Do you like him as more than a
freind
?”

“No,
mei liewe.
” She took Lillian’s hands in hers. “I like talking to Mr. Peterson. He lost his family
tragically, just like we lost your
daed.
He came today only to see the horses and talk about the Lancaster area. That’s it.
He’s
mei freind
, just like you’re
freinden
with some of the
buwe
you grew up with.”

Lillian nodded as guilt rained down on her. “I’m sorry for doubting you,
Mamm.
”

“It’s okay.”
Mamm’s
shoulders drooped. “Your
Mammi
has a way of convincing you to listen and believe whatever she has on her mind.”
She paused and tapped the table. “Did she also talk to your
schweschder
and
bruder
?”

Lillian shook her head. “She only talked to me when we were cleaning up from lunch.
Amanda was outside with Andrew and
Onkel
Josh.” She wanted to tell her mother that she’d spoken to Amanda about it earlier,
but she felt guilty for talking about her mother behind her back. She couldn’t bring
herself to admit that she’d done it.

“
Danki
for telling me.”
Mamm
stood. “Go get ready for bed. We need to leave early for church.”

Lillian hugged her mother and then hurried toward the staircase. As she climbed the
stairs, she asked God to forgive her for doubting her mother. The feeling of foreboding
that gripped her when she talked to her sister outside, however, continued to haunt
her.

D
uring the Sunday service, Hannah sat with the other married women. It was the Ebersol
family’s turn to host the three-hour service, which was held in the home of one of
the church district families every other Sunday.

Hannah thought about how, when she was a child, she was always amazed at how the movable
living room and bedroom walls in each member’s home could create such a spacious meeting
area. Since she was a little girl, she’d become accustomed to sitting on the backless
benches that were lined up for the district members and would later be converted to
tables for lunch.

Hannah had once walked by an
English
church in town and noticed that the doors were open. She could see that the church’s
sanctuary décor was much different from the plain houses where the Amish church held
its services. Unlike the
English
churches, Hannah’s worship area didn’t have an altar, a cross, flowers, or instruments.

Now, as the service began with a familiar German hymn from the
Ausbund
, Hannah redirected her thoughts to the present. Hannah joined in as the congregation
sang the hymn slowly. The male song leader began the first syllable of each
line, and then the rest of the congregation joined in to finish the line.

While the ministers met in another room for thirty minutes to choose who would preach
that day, the congregation continued to sing. Hannah saw the ministers return during
the last verse of the second hymn. They hung their hats on the pegs on the wall, indicating
that the first sermon was about to begin.

The minister droned on like background noise to the thoughts echoing in Hannah’s head.
Although she tried to concentrate on the preacher’s holy words, she couldn’t stop
looking toward the row in front of her where her mother-in-law was sitting. She’d
been awake most of the night thinking about her conversation with Lillian. She’d felt
a mixture of betrayal and anger toward Barbie for saying such hurtful things about
her. Why would she tell Lillian that Hannah was a bad role model? She knew her mother-in-law
was often critical of her, but to say horrible things to her daughter was going too
far. Hannah wanted to confront her before the frustration consumed her. She believed
in forgiveness, and she would forgive Barbie. She needed, however, to get her feelings
off her chest first.

The first sermon ended, and Hannah knelt in silent prayer along with the rest of the
congregation. After the prayers, the deacon read from the Scriptures, and then the
hour-long main sermon began. Hannah stared at her lap and willed herself to concentrate
on the sermon, which was spoken in German.

Her thoughts turned to Trey. She’d enjoyed her visit with him yesterday, and she’d
regretted that Barbie’s interference had cut it short. Since Barbie was trying to
alienate her children from her because of her friendship with Trey, Hannah knew she
should sever the friendship now. She couldn’t risk losing her children over a friendship
with an
Englisher
, no matter how kind he was.

After the main sermon ended, relief flooded Hannah when the fifteen-minute kneeling
prayer was over. The congregation then stood for the benediction and sung the closing
hymn.

Hannah moved toward the kitchen with the rest of the women to help serve the noon
meal. The men converted the benches into tables and then sat and talked while awaiting
their food. She made small talk with them while filling their coffee cups. As she
headed back to the kitchen, she smiled and greeted friends and relatives.

Once the men were finished eating, Hannah sat with a group of friends and relatives
and filled her plate with food. The women talked about their children and the beautiful
weather while they visited together. Hannah spotted her mother-in-law at the next
table. When their eyes met, Barbie quickly broke the gaze. Hannah sucked in a deep
breath and prayed for guidance. She needed to talk to her mother-in-law and do her
best to prevent this chasm between them from widening.

Once lunch was over, Hannah helped clean up the kitchen and then made her way out
to the porch. She found Barbie sitting on a rocking chair off in the corner, alone.

Hannah crossed the porch and sat on a bench beside her. “Hi,
Mamm.
”

“Hello.” Her mother-in-law stared over toward the grassy area where the youth were
playing volleyball.

“I’d like to talk to you.” Hannah gripped the handrail with one hand. “I spoke to
Lillian last night before bed and she told me about the conversation you had with
her yesterday.”

Barbie turned to her and raised her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“She told me that you’d shared with her why you’d visited. You told her about your
displeasure about my friendship with Mr. Peterson.”

“She said she was surprised to see me on a Saturday, and I told her why I was visiting.
I was only telling her the truth.”

“You should’ve only shared your thoughts with me.”

Barbie looked surprised. “I believe in being honest, and Lillian is old enough to
hear the truth. I’m concerned your friendship with the
Englisher
may be frowned upon in the community. I’m worried about your reputation and our family’s
reputation as well. I’m only looking out for you.”

Hannah shook her head. “Being a
freind
to someone who is new in town isn’t wrong. As I told you yesterday, the Bible tells
us—”

“You don’t need to lecture me, Hannah. I know what the Bible says.” She leaned closer
to Hannah, causing the chair to creak. “You need to be careful. You’re teaching your
girls the wrong message about how to behave with men.”

Hannah held her breath for a moment to stop angry words from bubbling forth. “Mr.
Peterson is a nice person. He lost his
fraa
and
dochder
, just like I lost Gideon. We have a lot in common, and we can share our feelings
about our grief.”

“There are plenty of people in this community who have experienced loss. You don’t
need to search for comfort in the
English
world. Looking out there will only get you into trouble.” Barbie glanced toward the
other end of the porch where a group of women stood talking. “Having an intimate friendship
with a man can lead to more than friendship. You may find yourself
getting a visit from the deacon and a minister if you aren’t careful with your heart.”

Hannah shook her head. “
Mamm
, you’re really overreacting. He only stayed for supper and then came to take a tour
of the farm. We walked back to the pond and then up to the
haus
again. That’s it.”

“No, I’m not overreacting.” She glowered, causing the wrinkles around her blue eyes
to bunch up together. “You’re disrespecting my son’s memory.”

Tears filled Hannah’s eyes as anger welled up inside her. “I don’t think I’m disrespecting
his memory. I’m doing the best I can now that he’s gone.”

Hannah wanted to say more, but she’d been taught to respect her elders, even when
she disagreed with them. She felt that no matter what she said or did, Barbie found
a way to criticize her. Barbie acted as if she wished Gideon had married someone else.

“You need to calm down or you’ll make a scene.” Barbie raised her eyebrows and then
looked past Hannah toward another member of the community who walked over to them.
“Oh, hello, Miriam. How are you doing? Is Abner feeling better?”

Hannah stood and walked past Miriam. “Excuse me.” She made her way down the porch
steps toward a group of women who were talking. She wanted to disappear into the group
unnoticed despite the hurt and disappointment battling within her. She’d long suspected
that Barbie had hoped Gideon would marry someone else. Hannah even asked Gideon about
it once, and he laughed it off, telling her all that mattered was their love for each
other, not their parents’ opinion. But his avoidance of the question also seemed to
be a veiled answer, an answer she didn’t want to hear.

“Hannah?” Ruth Ebersol sidled up to her. “
Was iss letz?
”

“Hi, Ruth. How are you? It was a nice service,
ya
?” Hannah wiped her eyes. She wished her mother-in-law didn’t have the power to upset
her with the sting of her words.

Ruth raised her eyebrows. “
Ya
, it always is a nice service.”

Hannah pointed toward the house. “Your flowers are so
schee.
You did a beautiful job in your garden this year.”

“
Danki
for the compliments, but please stop making small talk about my garden and my flowers.”
Ruth placed her hand on Hannah’s shoulder. “Let’s go talk.”

Hannah followed Ruth toward the pasture where they stood by the fence. Hannah looked
over at the other young people talking and spotted Amanda sitting with her friend
Nancy.

Ruth leaned in close. “What’s bothering you?”

Hannah shared the stories of Trey’s two visits, her conversation with Lillian, and
her conversation with Barbie. Ruth listened, nodding occasionally. Her blank expression
held no hint of judgment or disappointment, which was a relief to Hannah.

“I can see why you’re upset, but I think maybe Barbie is just trying to protect you.”

Hannah shook her head. “No, it’s not that. She’s always criticized me. No matter what
I do, it’s wrong, whether it’s hanging out the laundry or making lunch for my
kinner.
But now she’s trying to hurt me by telling
mei kinner
what I do wrong.”

Ruth frowned. “I guess you’re right. You’ve mentioned before that she was hard on
you. Maybe she’s worried about you and the
kinner
since Gideon is gone. She just doesn’t know how to express how much she misses her
son, so she takes it out on you.”

“I don’t know. I always thought she wished Gideon had married someone else. I know
he dated another
maedel
for a short period of time before we met. Maybe she wanted him to marry her instead
of me.”

“That’s a little odd. She should be
froh
that Gideon had a
wunderbaar
marriage, even for a short time.”

Hannah nodded. “I know I can’t change how she feels about me, but I wish I could at
least smooth things over. We have to get along. We’re family.”

Ruth smiled. “Let me share one of my favorite Scripture verses with you. It’s from
Colossians: ‘Make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full
of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.’“ She squeezed
Hannah’s hand. “I think that’s
gut
advice,
ya
? Pray for the Lord to soften Barbie’s heart and let your conversations always be
full of grace. If you do that, you can’t go wrong.”

Hannah smiled. “You’re right.
Danki
, Ruth.”

Ruth’s smile faded. “You don’t have feelings for Mr. Peterson, do you?”

“I see now that being his
freind
may jeopardize my relationship with my
kinner
and possibly even my community.” Hannah felt her lips turn down in a frown. “I need
to tell him that we can’t be
freinden
anymore.”

Ruth studied Hannah for a moment and then tilted her head. “Just guard your heart
well. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Hannah opened her mouth to insist her heart wasn’t in jeopardy but was interrupted
by Ruth’s son, Solomon, along with his wife and Ruth’s four grandchildren as they
walked up and began talking. Hannah smiled, but her thoughts were still focused on
Ruth’s advice. Why was Ruth worried about Hannah’s heart?
After all, Trey was only her friend. How could anything possibly go wrong when she
explained to him that their friendship could cause problems for her in her community?
He’d understand, and they would go their separate ways.

She suddenly realized that she had begun to think of Mr. Peterson as “Trey.” Although
she called him by a formal name when they spoke, her thoughts of him were less than
formal. The realization caused her to ponder what that meant. Was she developing deep
feelings for him?

She turned toward the youth group and found Lillian standing with Leroy King. She
thought back to the time when she and Gideon had fallen in love. Just like Lillian
and Leroy, they’d known each other for years, but didn’t truly notice each other until
they were older.

Hannah looked back toward Ruth and her family while she contemplated how God worked
to provide love for people. Just like God, love was mysterious and often appeared
when folks least expected it. She wondered if God would provide love for her again
in her life or if she’d already had her opportunity.

Although Hannah didn’t know if she’d ever find another man to love, she knew one thing
for certain—she loved her family and community and didn’t want to risk losing them.

Later, at the youth gathering, Amanda smoothed her dress over her knees and then hugged
her arms around her legs while sitting on the grass next to her best friend, Nancy.
The warm afternoon sun kissed her cheeks and she smiled. Spring was her favorite time
of year.

“Do you want to play volleyball?” Nancy gestured toward the group of teenagers choosing
teams by the net. “We can go join if you want.”

“No,
danki.
” Amanda tented her hand over her eyes. “I’d rather sit here in the sun.”

Nancy elbowed her in the arm. “There’s sun over there too.”

“I know.” Amanda shrugged. “You can go if you want. I know you just want to get on
Manny Kauffman’s team.”

“No, that’s not true. I like playing volleyball. It’s good exercise.”

Amanda chuckled and rested her chin on her knee. “
Ya
. Exercise.”

“Your
schweschder
is getting awfully cozy with Leroy King.” Nancy nodded toward the group standing
near the volleyball net.

“
Ya
, she is.” Amanda watched her sister push her glasses farther up on her nose, the
nervous habit she’d had since they were little. “I tease her, but I really think they’d
make a cute couple.”