A Kiss and a Cuddle (10 page)

By
the time that I woke up in the morning, Derek had already left.  When I got in
after talking to Rex last night, I went to sleep in my own bed, leaving Derek
alone on my couch.  In the morning, he didn’t leave a note for me or anything. 
Great.  I assumed that he was upset with me too.
 

I
rolled over and reached for my phone.  There were no new messages.  I sighed
and felt an empty feeling in my stomach.  I now missed the throng of text
messages that aggravatingly woke me up for the last few weeks.  I tossed my
phone next to my pillow in defeat.

This
time, I had messed up.  There was nobody to blame but myself, and that was the
worst feeling.  I had said something insensitive when Rex was opening up to
me.  I didn’t know what I was thinking.  As soon as it came out of my mouth, I
wanted to take it back, but the words had already struck him.  The way he
looked at me last night, it was as though I was tainted to him.  I wasn’t sure
if he would ever forgive me.

Last
night, I only wanted to make him stop pacing and thrashing his arms around.  He
was growing angrier with every word he said.  It reminded me of his anger
towards the photographer earlier in the week.  Maybe being with me brought out
the worst in him.  Maybe what happened last night was for the best.  Although I
felt empty inside, I knew I had to be mature and allow it to end.

The
relationship would have only caused heartbreak.  I mean, I was an aspiring
singer in the USA and he was an heir in the UK.  How would that ever work?  I
wasn’t highborn or noble.  I didn’t aspire to be hobnob with the aristocrats of
England; I thought it was a personal feat if I managed to leave the house with deodorant
on and shaved armpits.  The relationship was doomed from the start, and it
would have ended in tears.  I suppose it did already end in tears.  It just
wasn’t meant to be in our fate, or at least I was trying my best to convince
myself that.

I
also was the one who messed up with Derek.  I called him over to comfort me at
the expense of his own feelings.  He must have gotten fed up of the cycle of me
reaching out to him and withdrawing from him.  Time and time again, I would let
him get close, give him hope, and then stomp on his heart.  It was probably for
the best if I stopped this heartbreaking cycle of friendship too, for Derek’s
sake.

My
life suddenly felt deflated.  I laid in bed for a bit longer, trying to quiet
my mind, when my cell phone interrupted my hollow thoughts with a loud
vibration next to my head.  I jumped up, excited to see who was calling me.  I
would be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little disappointed that it wasn’t Rex
or Derek, but I was happy to see the words “MOM” blinking on my screen along
with our picture.

“Hi,
Mom!” I cheerfully greeted her.  It was nice to know that no matter what, my
mom would always be there for me.  She always made everything better.

“Hi
sweet pea,” my mom answered.  “I just wanted to check in, since I haven’t heard
from you in a while.”

“Sorry,
Mom,” I replied.  “I had a couple of distractions over the last few weeks, but
now they are gone.”

“You
don’t sound very happy that they are gone.  Were these good distractions or bad
distractions, honey?”

“Well,
I guess they were bad distractions, in the end,” I replied solemnly.

“I
am glad they are gone then,” she said.  My mom always knew when it was best to
dig further for details or let it be.  This time, she was right to let it be. 
“So, are you all ready for your gig next week?” she asked, strategically changing
the subject.  “I can hardly wait to see you perform!”

“My
gig!” I exclaimed.  “You are right.  That has really snuck up on me, Ma!  I
have a ton of things to do before my performance.  I still need to finish the
last song on my album.”

“You
had better hop to it, little one!”

“Thanks
for reminding me, Ma.  I am going to start preparing right now.  I’ll talk to
you soon.  Love you!”

She
said goodbye and we hung up.  How could I forget that my gig was coming up in a
week?
 
It seemed that I put my singing on the backburner for the last
month.  I never should have let that happen.  Singing had always been so
therapeutic for me.  It was no wonder that I was being overly emotional
lately.  Everything was building up on top of me, and I didn’t have my outlet. 
That was about to change.  I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror.  You
live independently, you sing independently, and you produced this album
independently.  You are doing perfectly fine by yourself.
 
It was time
to get back to the only thing I truly loved and was loved by in return: music.

The
next couple of days whizzed by, as I buried myself completely in my work.  If I
started to reflect on guy issues from the past month even for a moment, I would
obediently start to sing a song, go for a walk, or put a tasty treat in my
mouth.  Yes, I admittedly ate my emotions.  But stuffing a croissant in my
mouth was a better choice than downing a glass of wine, or two, or three, which
was what I felt compelled to do whenever I thought of Rex or Derek.  And I was
trying to stay away from that.  No more heartbreak hangovers for me.  Never
again.

I
developed a new daily routine that was dripping with relaxation and creation. 
My days included a morning bath, a session on my guitar, a walk outside, an
afternoon session in the studio, another walk, a phone call to my mom, and an
evening full of writing, singing, and playing.  The schedule kept me on track
and distracted me wonderfully.  Nina loved having me at home more, and my mom
loved hearing from me every day.  It was back to just me and my girls, and my
music.

I
cleared my head during my walks throughout the city.  The streets were emptier
now that it was November, and the golden leaves that once hung in October were
now laying on the ground.  The air had a chill to it, as the sun chose to mostly
hide behind the clouds.  The fresh air was great for my mind though, and I
would bundle up in my thick double-breasted jacket and a soft pink scarf to
stay warm.  I still saw and greeted the street cleaners and shoe shiners in the
morning, but I rarely talked to anyone else.  I had become a lone wolf.  I
didn’t even go out for Halloween.  I stayed at home with Nina.  I didn’t dress
up, unless my pajamas counted as a costume.  Life was much simpler as a lone
wolf.     

I
had to admit that there was one time during a lull in the afternoon where I
caved in.  I wish I hadn’t, because it certainly didn’t make me feel any
better.  I was listening to music on my laptop, when I had the sudden urge to
google “Rebecca Barton”, the girl who was more worthy of the flower corsage
than me.  A stream of photos appeared on the screen, one more gorgeous than the
next.  She was blonde and petite.  She was probably one of those aggravating
girls who ate anything she wanted and then complained about being too thin.  I
saw a couple of photos of her and Rex from the art event.  His arm was around
her, looking smug.  She wasn’t even smiling; instead, she held an ‘I know I
look good’ pose, as she challenged the cameras with her eyes.  Ugh.  So that was
who he spent the whole night with?  I felt sick again.  I couldn’t compete with
these girls.  It was a good thing I was out of the competition then.  Now,
where were those croissants again?

That
afternoon, I finished the final song for my album and recorded it in the
studio.  The music was already prepared months ago, but I couldn’t find the
right lyrics.  It was meant to be a love song, but I kept naturally changing it
into a song of betrayal.  I found the perfect words that afternoon, though.  It
was funny how I could only write words of true love when my heart was truly
broken.

“This
is Reggie Murphy here, and you are listening to The Party 95.7 FM.  Once again,
we have the lovely, talented Miss Rose West in the studio with us today,”
Reggie said into the microphone and smiled at me.  “Thank you for coming on the
show today.”

“Thank
you, Reggie.  I am happy to be here again,” I replied into the microphone.

“So,
how is the new album coming along?  I have heard great things from people
around the city.”

“The
album is great.  It is finally finished!” I exclaimed.  It felt so good to say
that.

“That
is awesome to hear.  So, when do we get to hear it?” he raised his eyebrows to
let me know that this was my time to start dropping names and plugging my gig.

“Well,
it just so happens that if you would like to hear my new songs, I will be
performing a gig at the Meadowlark Lounge on Larimer Street starting at 8 PM on
this coming Saturday night.”

“You
have always been so modest, Rose.  You’ve got to hype it up more than that!”
Reggie laughed.  “First of all, this show is nearly sold out, so you had better
hurry.  Secondly, this girl is a powerhouse of sound with pipes of steel. 
Going to a Rose West gig should be on your bucket list.  And thirdly, you’ll
get to see me and my shining bright smile there, since I am hosting the gig.”

“Wow,
you are right.  You are much better at hyping than me!”

“It’s
my job, Rose.  Besides you can sing much better than me,” he smiled.  “Ohh,
actually, I just had a brilliant idea…” he said mysteriously.

“Oh? 
What might that be?” I raised my eyebrows to him and gave him a silent ‘don’t
you dare’ look across the table.

“You
could, you know, give us an ‘a cappella teaser’ from your new album.  Any song
you want!”

“Oh,
ummm, sure,” I said, trying to think of the best song to choose.  “Okay, I will
sing a love song that I wrote this week.”

I
closed my eyes and sang the chorus of my newest song.  The words were true,
simple, and heartfelt.  When I opened my eyes, Reggie had his mouth hanging
open in awe.

“Whoa! 
That was amazing, Rose.  I am actually speechless.”

 “Thank
you.  Now it is your turn,” I said playfully.

“Ain’t
nobody want to hear that, girl!” he joked.  “Now, is there any news on the
developing romance between you and Derek Rockson, the two Denver songbirds?”

“There
is no news, unfortunately.  I haven’t spoken to him for a little while, but I
hope he is doing well, and I hope he knows how much I miss having him in my
life.”

“Well,
that was all very cryptic and vague, but I wish you both the best of luck.  Thanks
again for coming on my show, and you heard it for yourself, boys and girls –
this girl has pipes of steel.  Was I right?  Was I right?” he laughed. 
“Alright, now coming up next, we’ve got the lowdown on Rex Byron.  He has
apparently left the city of Denver to return home to England.  Phone in to tell
us any funny stories you have of him during his stay in Denver – any wild
nights out or more likely, any wild nights in!  Yeah, you know what I’m talking
about.  We will be back right after this break.”

I
was in complete shock.  Rex went home to England?
 
A sinking feeling
started in my heart and pitted in my stomach.  Reggie removed his headphones
and pushed his chair back.  I took off my headphones and stuttered, “What… what
was that you just said?”

Reggie
looked at me and furrowed his eyebrows. “What?  About being back after the
break?”

“No,
no…” I tried to form a real sentence, but I was sure I sounded like a bumbling
fool.  “What you said about Rex…”

“Rex
Byron?  Yeah, I heard he has gone back to London.  What – did you have a crush
on him?” he laughed.

“Oh
gosh, no…” I replied quickly and blushed furiously.

“Good. 
Don’t go all ‘fangirl’ on me, Rose,” he joked.  “Rose…”

I
was already walking out of the studio in a trance.  I forgot to thank the other
studio employees.  I forgot to say goodbye to Reggie.  I just walked out onto
Sixteenth Street.  I needed some air.  When I finally got outside, I leaned up
against the side of the building and breathed.  I looked up and down the
streets, and the whole city felt emptier to me.  He was gone.  Without saying
goodbye.

The
days leading up to my gig were busy, but I still felt a pit in my stomach
knowing that everything had finished with Rex on a bad note.  There was no
longer the possibility that I might bump into him downtown or see him waiting
outside my condominium building either.  It was over. 

One
thing helped me keep my mind off of the Rex situation: my mom arrived in Denver
with a whirlwind of cheer and excitement.  She had visited Denver a couple of
times before, but I still loved to show her around the city.  She was overjoyed
to be in Denver, except for the ‘freezing arctic’ weather, as she so
dramatically put it.  She wrapped herself up in a thick down winter jacket,
scarf, and mittens everywhere she went.  She even wore her jacket around my
condo one night and claimed that she would be wearing shorts at home in San
Antonio.

Besides
the chilly weather, she loved every minute of being in Denver. 

“Ma,
I’m telling you,” I said to her as we made tea in my kitchen.  “You should move
to Denver.  You can live with me!”

My
mom was about to pour the hot tea into the mug, when I suddenly yelled, “No!” 
She was startled and dropped the tea pot on the counter immediately. 

“What? 
What is it?” she exclaimed, anxiously.

“Sorry,”
I laughed, and calmed myself down.  “That was a bit dramatic.  Let’s put the
cream in before the tea.”

She
gave me a bewildered look and shook her head.  “You’ve gone bonkers these days,
Rose.”

I
chuckled.  “It really does make it creamier, Ma.  You’ll see,” I replied.  She
poured the cream in first and then the tea.  “Perfect.  Now, what were you
saying?  About how you are going to move to Denver to be with me?”

We
walked through the living room with our tea cups and sat down on my couch.

“Baby,
I can’t leave our home.  It’s the only place I have ever known,” she
explained.  “Why don’t you move back home, after you become rich and famous,
huh?”

“We’ll
see.  I like that sounds of that, especially the part about me becoming rich
and famous!” I laughed.  “You know I only want to make you proud, Ma.”

“You
already do, my sweet baby!”

“It
just seems like I have been letting everybody down lately,” I sighed and curled
my feet up under me.

“Do
you want to tell Mama Bear about what’s been bothering you?” she asked as she
tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear.  “I have noticed that you look a
little down.”

“Well,”
I looked at my mom and could see that she was desperate to make me feel better.
“There was this one guy I was dating last month.”

My
mom nodded.  “Go on…”

“I
didn’t like him at first.  I tried not to like him.  But then I fell for him,
and I thought we had something special.  I messed it up in the end, and now he
is gone.”

She
looked at my sympathetically.  “You have got to let people in, Rose.  I know
that you get uneasy when everything is going really well, and maybe you
sabotage the relationship to stop yourself from falling and getting hurt in the
future.”

Those
words struck me hard, mostly because they were true.  “Maybe I do need to let
people in, but you haven’t let anybody in since…”

“Since
your father?” she cut me off.  “That’s true.  Maybe I need to take some of my
own advice.  You know, I have been thinking about setting up an online dating
profile.”

“Oh
my goodness, Ma!  Yes, you should totally do that,” I encouraged her.  I was
happy to change the subject.  “I will help you set your profile up.”

“Thanks,
baby,” she paused and continued.  “And I do want you to know that your father
leaving had absolutely nothing to do with you.  You are completely worthy of
love.”  She paused again.  “If you are anything like me, you overanalyze
everything.  Just go with the flow, my baby, and the right person will come,
and the right person will stay.”

I
just nodded.  If I had tried to talk, I probably would have started to cry, and
my mom knew this.  She quickly changed the subject, “So, do you know what you
are going to wear to your gig?  What about that golden gown I saw in your
room?  That would be beautiful.”

“Oh,
that?  I don’t know if I should wear a golden gown to my gig.  It’s a bit
fancy, isn’t it?”

“Of
course you should, darling.  You deserve to wear a golden gown!  You are the
star of the show.”

She
was right.  I did deserve to wear my sparkling golden gown.  I was the star of
the show.  “You’re right.  I am worthy of a golden gown!” I exclaimed.  I was
going to be the most fancy, over-dressed person there, and it was going to be
spectacular!