A Kiss in the Dark (24 page)

*

Mum was vacuuming the living room when I went through. She’d vacuumed two days ago so I was immediately suspicious – it’s always been her least favourite household chore, mostly because she refused to buy a decent vacuum cleaner, leaving us stuck with one that seemed to spew out as much dust and rubbish as it sucked in. I tapped her on the shoulder, making her jump.

‘Morning,’ I shouted, because she didn’t bother turning off the vacuum.

‘Morning!’ she shouted back.
Then
she turned it off. ‘Did you sleep OK? The phone didn’t wake you this morning?’

I said no, I hadn’t really slept OK, thanks very much for asking, but I hadn’t heard the phone either. The two facts were not mutually exclusive, after all. I asked who’d been on the phone, which had clearly been the point of her asking if I’d been woken up. My mother was infuriating a lot of the time – often taking the long, scenic route instead of getting straight to the point. She plumped up some cushions, turning them
so that they were at an angle on the sofa and swapping them so that the identical ones weren’t next to each other. The world would probably end if the identical ones stayed next to each other. ‘Oh, yes. It was the police.’

‘PC Mason? Is it Alex? What’s happened?’ From nowhere I had the clearest picture in my mind of Alex, her limp body dangling from a pipe on the ceiling, a belt around her neck. It was stupid – a hangover from too many films and TV shows. Alex would never do something like that, no matter how bad things got. I knew that. It definitely felt like something I
knew
, even though I was well aware that I didn’t know very much about Alex at all. Still, maybe it was possible that I knew something of the person she really was, deep down. I must have seen something real in all that time we spent together.

‘No, it wasn’t PC Mason, actually. It was a woman, more senior, I think … She was ever so polite …’

‘Mum!’ My exasperation seemed to surprise her.

‘Someone got out of bed the wrong side this morning, didn’t they? Anyway, as I was saying – if you’d just let me finish – they’re coming round this morning to interview you. I just want to make sure the place is looking a bit better than when PC Mason came round. I wouldn’t want them getting the wrong
idea about this family. You always have to think about these things, you know, when you’re a single mother.’ Mum didn’t like to think of herself as a single mother – she hardly ever used the term – so I wasn’t sure why she was mentioning it now.

‘I don’t understand why they have to interview me again. I told them what happened.’ I tried to keep the panic from my voice. I’d known this was coming but that didn’t make the prospect any more appealing.

Mum shrugged. ‘I know, love, but that was just a preliminary interview. They have to take down an official statement, I think. The woman explained it all on the phone and I’m sure she’ll be happy to explain it again if you ask. It’s nothing to worry about, love. I know it’s not easy for you to talk about, but I’ll be there with you.’

There was nothing remotely reassuring about that. Mum being there just meant having another person to listen to my lies. I asked what time the police were coming and Mum looked at her watch. ‘Half an hour, love. Would you mind making me a cup of green tea? I’m gasping after all this.’

I retreated to the kitchen and put the kettle on. I took a deep breath to try to calm down but it just made me feel even more light-headed. I should eat something – I knew that. I’d barely eaten over the past
few days – just enough to keep me going. I poured some cereal and splashed some milk into a bowl. I managed four or five bites, which was better than nothing. My heart was trampolining with anxiety. I hadn’t thought this through. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about anything beyond PC Mason’s interview, which was why the arrest had come as such a shock even though he’d said it was going to happen.

There was a whisper in my ear in a voice that sounded like mine telling me that I should see this as an opportunity – another chance to put things right.
Tell the truth
, the voice said. What’s the worst that can happen? A slap on the wrist for wasting police time? Mum would be furious but she’d get over it in time. A mother should be happy to find out her daughter
hadn’t
been assaulted. This whole situation had snowballed out of control. I never meant for this to happen.
I
hadn’t been the one to get the police involved. That was what I kept telling myself, because as long as I remembered that then none of this was my fault – not really.

I poured boiling hot water into Mum’s favourite mug and on to my hand. Not on purpose. Not really. ‘FUCK!’ I screamed. Mum came running, remote control in one hand, damp cloth in the other. ‘What is it? What’s happened?’ She saw me clutching my hand
and hurried me over to the sink. ‘Oh, you silly thing! You need to be more careful, don’t you? It’ll be fine, just keep your hand under that tap for five minutes. Shhh, it’s OK, there’s no need to cry.’ I wasn’t crying – I wasn’t even close to crying – but as soon as she said that, I started.

The pain was white hot and deep and showed no signs of abating. I was grateful for it; it washed all other thoughts from my brain. All I had to do was concentrate on keeping my hand under the stream of cold water. An endurance test. The tears stopped. Everything stopped, apart from the water streaming on to my hand, which had now turned red – either from the boiling water or the freezing water. There was no way to tell where the pain and redness was coming from anymore. Hot and cold felt exactly the same. Like right and wrong.

She was a sergeant. A Special Something or Other Officer, trained to deal with cases involving sexual offences. Sergeant Tanaka’s hair was scraped back in a severe bun – not a strand out of place. She made me uneasy for some reason. I think it was the way she paused before speaking, as if she was measuring her words, planning out what to say instead of just
saying
it. She also seemed to be very keen on eye contact, which is something I tend to avoid with people I don’t know.

PC Mason had come along for the ride too, and I was strangely glad to see a familiar face. He didn’t say much this time and he seemed a lot less nervous. He didn’t drop his hat once. Sergeant Tanaka asked what had happened to my hand; Mum had bandaged it up even though there was really no need. She used to do that when I was little too. One time I fell on my wrist
in the three-legged race on sports day (Astrid’s fault entirely) and Mum made me a sling from a tea towel. I always liked that she took my injuries seriously, no matter how small they were. I told Sergeant Tanaka what had happened and she paused before saying that making tea could be a very dangerous business. Mum laughed nervously and said, ‘On that note, how about I risk my life to make us a brew?’ Polite laugher all round and the police officers accepted the offer. Builder’s tea for Sergeant Tanaka and Earl Grey for PC Mason. I didn’t want anything apart from a glass of water. My throat was so dry I had to keep clearing it, and every time I did that Sergeant Tanaka turned to look at me. I think she thought I was trying to catch her attention.

While Mum made the tea, the three of us settled into our seats in the lounge. PC Mason sat in the same seat as last time, but Sergeant Tanaka sat next to me on the sofa. That meant that Mum would have to sit in the uncomfortable chair by the window – the antique one that looked more like an instrument of torture than anything else. She wouldn’t be able to hold my hand this time. The sergeant explained why they were here and that she would be recording the interview ‘if I didn’t mind’. I got the distinct impression that it didn’t matter whether I minded or not. She explained that she would be my main point of contact ‘going
forward’ and that she hoped I’d feel free to ask her about anything I wasn’t sure about or any worries I might have.

I glanced towards the half-open door before turning back to her. ‘I was … wondering about Alex. How is she …? I mean, have you
seen
…?’

Another pause from her before she nodded. ‘I have seen her. But I think it’s best if we focus on you for the time being.’ Then she launched into the spiel about appreciating that this was difficult for me but she had to take my statement. She needed to hear what had happened ‘in my own words’, as if there was any chance I’d be able to borrow someone else’s for the occasion. Mum came back carrying a tray. She’d filled the mugs too full and tea had sloshed on to the tray so she had to rush back to get some kitchen roll to mop it up. I could tell she was annoyed about not getting to sit next to me but she couldn’t exactly do anything about it. Throughout the entire interview I could see her out of the corner of my eye, fidgeting and shifting in her seat.

Sergeant Tanaka took out a tiny grey recording device and placed it on the coffee table in front of us. She put it on a coaster. Maybe she was worried the words I was about to pour into it would overflow and stain the table. They wouldn’t just stain it
though – they would corrode it like acid. The lies would drip through and fizz on to the carpet below. They were so vicious and powerful they would go through the floorboards and reach the stone foundations of the house.

While I’d been imagining my lies, Sergeant Tanaka had been speaking into the recording device, telling it the date and who was present etc. The voice she used was different from before – more clipped, slightly posher. She asked me to say (in my own words) what had happened between me and Alexandra Banks, then she sat back and looked at me expectantly. PC Mason was doing the opposite – sitting on the edge of his chair, pen poised above his notebook. I didn’t see the point of him taking notes, unless he was supposed to write down things that wouldn’t appear on the recording – my body language, perhaps. Of course, as soon as I thought about body language I became horribly aware of my posture (hunched) and my limbs (arms crossed in front of my chest). So I reached over to get my glass of water, took a sip, then made very sure to put my hands back in my lap. I straightened my spine a little too; I had nothing to be ashamed of. Then I ruined it all by giggling nervously. ‘Um … I’m not really sure where to start.’

Sergeant Tanaka smiled kindly. ‘Why don’t you
start at the beginning? Describe how you came to meet Miss Banks?’ I wished they would stop calling Alex ‘Miss’. It felt like they were reminding me of my stupidity.

I was incredibly thirsty all of a sudden, even though I’d taken a sip of water a few seconds ago. My lips felt dry and chapped and my throat was scratchy. I wouldn’t allow myself to drink more water though – not for a couple of minutes at least. Surely there was a direct correlation between thirstiness and lying? If there wasn’t, there should be.

After one last anxious glance over at Mum, I started talking. I got distracted every time PC Mason scratched away at his notepad. I’d never know if he was writing a detailed analysis of my speech patterns and body language or a shopping list of things to pick up at Asda on the way home. Sergeant Tanaka nodded occasionally, kept me on track when I veered off on to a tangent (which happened a lot – it’s hard to tell a story in a straight line sometimes). She asked questions, which were always ‘just to clarify’, even though it seemed to me that some of them were ‘just to be intrusive’. The sergeant seemed particularly interested in finding out who had suggested meeting up at the gig, and precisely why I’d thought Alex was a boy.

I felt myself start to blush. ‘It was just obvious … from the way he talked about things, and from his profile picture. He was a boy. I mean, obviously it wasn’t obvious, because I was wrong, wasn’t I? But anyone else would have made the same mistake.’

‘And you definitely had no suspicions to the contrary?’

‘
No
.’

That seemed like a satisfactory answer. Sometimes it was best to keep it short and sweet; there was less chance of tying yourself up in knots and getting confused. It made me uneasy that it sort of looked like I was the one who pursued Alex, but there was nothing I could do about that because it was true. Anyway, it was hardly as if I’d been some kind of sexual predator. They would never think that, surely?

I skipped over the bit about our first kiss, but Sergeant Tanaka pulled me up again. She asked who’d made the first move. Seeing my discomfort, she apologized and said that it was really important for them to get a clear timeline of the ‘events’. I glanced over at Mum and she nodded and gestured with her hand for me to continue. She probably didn’t want to hear this any more than I wanted to say it. I admitted that I’d been the one to make the first move, cringing with embarrassment as I told them.

Sergeant Tanaka nodded and paused for even longer than usual. ‘Would you say that was normal behaviour for you? Being … forward with boys?’

‘What? No! No. Not at all. I’ve never even … Alex was my first boyf … relationship.’

‘I’d have thought an attractive girl like you would have boys flocking around you.’

That made me laugh out loud, but the laughter echoed round the room and by the time it came back to me it sounded bitter and angry. And I didn’t want the police to think I was bitter and angry, even though I had every right to be. Sergeant Tanaka and PC Mason were both waiting for me to elaborate. Apparently laughter doesn’t constitute a proper answer in this situation. Mum came to the rescue. ‘Kate has always been very busy with her piano playing. This … interest in the opposite sex – oh well, you know what I mean – is a fairly recent development.’

‘Thank you, Mrs McAllister, but could I ask you to remain silent while the interview is in progress? We really need to hear Kate’s side of the story.’ While she was saying this, Sergeant Tanaka gave a shrug and rolled her eyes at Mum, as if to say ‘What can you do? I don’t make the rules.’ Mum nodded and mouthed ‘Sorry!’ All eyes were back on me.

‘Um … boys have never really noticed me before,
I suppose. And I haven’t been all that bothered. Like Mum said, piano practice keeps me really busy.’ I sounded like a pathetic loser.

‘But all that changed when you met Alex?’ I wasn’t sure if she was trying to imply something.