A Life Like This (Life #1) (8 page)

“My mom was a single mother for most of my childhood. My grandfather, Timothy James, or TJ as we call him, the man you just met, took care of us from afar. He lives in Texas. Anyway, when I was nine, my mother met a man named Edward and it was love at first sight for them two, or so it would seem. In the beginning, he was a nice man—took us both on dates to the movies and arcades. I thought he was cool. I was so excited to have a dad like every other kid I knew. My mom married him six months later. I was happy for my mother. She had been alone for so long; I always knew she longed for a companion. Once they married, I noticed a change in Edward. He was always encouraging my mom to go out and have girls’ nights or even girls’ trips. Since she was a single mother, she rarely got to do those things, so I thought it was nice of him. Well, I thought it was nice of him until we were left alone.”

I take a deep breath at this point of the story. It’s going to get bad and I don’t know how Blake will take it. Will he be disgusted by me? Will he think I’m a liar? God, I feel like I’m a kid all over again. I look up at Joey and he is just staring at me with sad eyes. I know he’s mad I’m telling this story, because it always guts me, but I want Blake to know. I want him to understand why I am the way I am. Why I push emotions away instead of embrace them.

“At first it was nothing more than watching movies while she was gone and he’d make me sit right next to him. No big deal, until he started to let his hands wander. I was unsure at the time what he was doing, so I didn’t tell my mother anything. One night when my mother went to the Hamptons with her tennis group, Edward wanted to watch a movie. Not thinking anything of it at the time, I went to start the popcorn. When I came back, he was in only his boxer shorts watching porn, touching himself.”

I’m looking into Roger’s eyes as though he is the one that needs to know what happened. He takes that as a greeting and comes to sit at my feet. I absently pet him, his smooth coat somehow soothing me. Joey has now moved across the room and is sitting on the arm of the couch next to us. The room is oddly quiet. Aside from Roger’s pants, the only other sound is our breathing. My body is tense. Telling this story makes me feel like it is happening all over again, making my skin crawl. I continue before I lose the nerve.

“I dropped the popcorn and the bowl shattered, but Edward told me it was okay and to come sit next to him. When I told him I didn’t like this movie and I wanted to go to my room, he yelled at me and demanded I sit next to him. I was scared; he’d never shouted like that before, so I did what he asked. When I sat down, I just stared at my feet. I had nowhere else to look, nowhere to run. He was touching my body everywhere. I started to cry and he told me that turned him on. He raped me twice that night.”

I don’t look up; I know what their faces are going to look like and I don’t want to see the pity in their eyes. I just continue telling the story.

“Sometimes I have nightmares of the pain that night caused me. He told me if I ever told my mother or grandfather, he would hurt me even worse. So of course, I told no one. When my mother came back from her trip, she thought nothing of my new bed set. Edward had told her he took me shopping and I wanted a new set, when really my old one was in the trash covered in my blood. My mom was besotted with Edward and never saw him for who he was. I lost count of how many times he raped me...sad I know, but it’s not something I wanted to keep count of.” Joey is holding my hands. I didn’t even realize I was crying.

“Angie, stop, honey, Blake gets the point. You don’t need to keep torturing yourself.”

“No, Joey, I need to tell him all of it. I want him to know.” I turn to stare at Blake. “I just want you to know what you’re getting into beforehand.” He goes to say something, but I cover his mouth with my finger and carry on with my story. “This went on for six grueling months, until I went to my granddad’s ranch that summer as I did every summer. I was now ten and a half. As soon as I walked off the plane, he looked at me and knew something was wrong. I ran into his arms and just sobbed. I finally felt safe. I was 17,000 miles away, and Edward couldn’t hurt me. My granddad didn’t ask me any questions; he took me straight to the hospital. They ran a ton of tests. I remember being there for hours. They gave me snacks and juice and I got to watch cartoons. They made it as comfortable as possible. After they told me my last test was done, my granddad walked out to talk to the doctor. When he came back into my room a while later, he had tears in his eyes. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry. He took me to the ranch and I had the best summer of my life that year. He bought me my own Clydesdale that summer. I knew he was spoiling me. He’d never had one on the farm before. Betsy was the best horse ever. On my last night there, Granddad told me that everything was going to be okay. He said Edward would never lay a hand on me again. I trusted my granddad with everything I had. I knew when I went home the next day things would be better. And they were. Edward was gone. I never asked any questions. I was just glad he was gone. I finally felt safe in my own home. Everything was going nicely for a while. Then about a year later, he came to my school. He told the staff he was my stepfather and pulled me out of school. He told me I ruined his life and I owed him.” I sigh to myself because I remember this incident so clearly in my head like it was yesterday. Blake pulls me even closer to him. I hurry to finish the story.

“Anyways, he raped me for the last time that day. Once he was done with me and trying to redressed, I jumped out of the car and sprinted into a convenience store that just happened to be around the corner from the alley he drove us to. I told the older lady what happened and she called the police. Edward was arrested that day. My grandfather made sure there was a restraining order in place. My mother just went with it all. I think she was too embarrassed by all the attention to care too much about me. After that, Edward never touched me again, but he made sure I saw him every now and then. No one is sure how he got out of doing serious jail time; he just did. I would see him jogging past my schools during the lunch hour, frequenting stores by my dance studio, always taunting me. When my grandfather caught wind of this, he offered Edward a lot of money to stay away from me. So we thought we were done with him. Until today. My mother called and told me Edward was moving back to the city. How she came upon this information I don’t even want to know, but it’s only a matter of time before I start to see him again. He won’t touch me, but I think he likes to be seen as a reminder of the pain he caused.”

I take a deep breath and let it out. I haven’t shared that story in far too long. I had hoped I wouldn’t have to. That man has ruined me in more ways than I ever thought possible. I won’t let him ruin me anymore.

“He better pray to God he doesn’t go near you when I’m around. ”Joey is now pacing the living room. I told him this story one drunken night in college. I think that’s one of the reasons he is so overprotective of me. You would think after such a horrendous incident, I would be put off by men. Unfortunately, it’s the other way around. I enjoy getting lost in them. Perhaps it’s the fact that I am in charge and have a say in the matter as opposed to when I had to just endure it. So says my old therapist. Who knows?

“Joey, you will not be doing anything reckless. Did you forget you’re a model? Your face is your job. We can’t risk messing that up any more than it is.” I wink at him.

“Angelica, don’t make games of this. I’m serious. This is a big deal. You can’t brush this off as nothing.” He’s angry. He’s right. I turn to look at Blake who has been quietly listening to me this whole time. I’ve probably scared him away. I try to stand, but he pulls me back down.

“Where are you going?” he asks me.

“I figured after hearing how fucked up my past is you’d want to leave.”

“Are you serious?” Blake asks me.

“Yes, she’s serious. She has issues about people thinking she’s not worth the fight,” Joey says to him.

“Part of me hoped you would never have to find out about this, another part of me did, unfortunately this is a part of who I am. I don’t want you to be with me because you feel like I need to be protected because I can handle my own. You too, Joey. I love you, but I don’t need a babysitter. I’m stronger than everyone gives me credit for.”

“Baby girl, calm down. I’m not babysitting you. I’m having a sleepover because you had a rough day. It’s what best friends do, right?” He smiles at me. I pat Blake’s arm and he lets me go. I walk into Joey’s embrace and stand there for a while. Thank God, I have Joey in my life; he is my rock. I let go and stand away from him so I’m looking at both men.

“If you both insist on staying with me tonight, then we better get some food and a movie going. What’s a sleepover without junk food and a sappy 80’s movie?” I smile at them both. The look of relief on both of their faces is heartwarming. “I’m going to jump in the shower. When I come out, I’ll expect everything ready.” I wink at them both then head to my bedroom to shower.

After my long shower, I dig in my dressers looking for my favorite worn flannel pajamas. They are anything but flattering, but they’re perfect for a sleepover. At this point, I’m passed the playing cute part with Blake. I’m more at the take me or leave me part. I look over at the alarm clock on my nightstand and realize I’ve been in my room for almost an hour. I get off my bed and look at my reflection. No makeup, hair down wet and big pajamas. Yep, I obviously want Blake to run out of my house. Regardless, this is me. If he doesn’t like what he sees, he can pound sand. I shake my head and walk downstairs into the living room. The scent of Chinese food instantly makes my stomach grumble. I love Chinese food.

“Yum, that smells amazing!” I call out at no one in particular. I stop when I walk into the living room. They’ve transformed it completely. There are white Christmas lights hanging haphazardly around the room. The couches have been pushed back and a makeshift bed of blankets and pillows are on the floor in their place. Chinese takeout boxes are on the coffee table along with Corona’s fixed to my liking—lots of lime and rimmed with salt. They even have dog treats for Roger on the table. I notice the TV is playing
Pretty Woman.
It’s perfect. I feel the tears starting to fill my eyes, but before they can break free, Joey is headed in my direction.

“Enough with the tears, baby girl. Let’s enjoy the night, shall we?” he asks me.

I laugh. “Yes, JoJo, no more tears. The room is perfect,” I say as I’m still taking it all in.

“I will take credit for the food and beer, but the ambiance was set by Blake while I was out.”

“I hope you like it,” Blake says from the kitchen. I turn and watch him step into the room.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Angelica. I hope you don’t mind. I had to dig around to find your Christmas decorations.”

“I don’t mind at all.” I walk up to him and hug him then kiss his cheek. I turn and do the same to Joey. We all walk into the middle of the room and claim our spots then dig into our feast.

We fall into easy conversation over our late night meal and drinks. The movie is merely background noise. We sit and talk about nothing and everything. Roger seems to be hypersensitive, as he does not leave my side at all, not even when Joey tries to take him out back to pee. He is just as worried about me as the men are. I know they are both just trying to keep my mind busy. I love them for it. I needed this distraction. I lose count of how many beers I’ve had. Joey keeps them coming.

Blake clears our boxes then walks back into the room with containers of frozen yogurt. I just stare at him, trying not to cry from the gesture alone. He is so thoughtful. I smile at him as he hands me a spoon, then takes his seat to my left as Joey is at my right. We dig in. Cake batter, my favorite flavor. The movie ends and Joey doesn’t wait for the credits before he starts the next one,
Drop Dead Fred
. The movie always puts a smile on my face. As the movie goes on, I grow tired, so I burrow in the blankets and just rest my eyes. It’s been a long day and I’m emotionally drained. Maybe a week off is just what I need to clear my mind and get me back on track. I don’t know how long I lay here contemplating my next move before I fall asleep.

We’re alone. Mommy left again with her friends. I run to my room as soon as she closes the front door, but I’m not fast enough. He reaches me before I get to the first step. Grabbing me by my hair, he drags me up to the guest bedroom and locks the door behind him. “Nice try, you little bitch. I told you the more you fight me the worse it will be.” Terrified, I sit frozen on the bed. I know if I cry, he will only hurt me more, and I’m tired of hurting. If I just lay there, he will be done with me soon enough. He takes his clothes off and tells me to do the same. I silently cry as I remove my shirt and shorts, my panties last. Making me move up the bed, he tells me to lay on my stomach. Wait, this isn’t right. He’s never made me lay on my stomach. I start to panic and he holds me down. I feel something cold on my butt, like water. Then I feel his privates on me only for a second before he shoves it into my butt as hard as he can...

“Angelica! Angelica! Wake up, baby girl. It’s just a dream.” Joey is shaking me awake. I snap my eyes open and look at him, breathless. Touching my cheeks, I feel the tears. Roger is alert at my side, barking loudly. I grab Joey and hug him as tightly as I can. “It’s okay, Angie. I’m here, and I will always be.”

He’s holding me just as tightly as I have him. Roger stops barking and sits at my side. I’m sobbing loudly at this point. I haven’t had a nightmare in over a year, but that man just has to be mentioned and I’m wrecked. Gasping, I remember it isn’t just Joey and me at home. I let go of him and turn to find Blake kneeling right behind me. I cover my mouth, mortified of what he just saw.

“Don’t you dare be embarrassed, Angelica. Are you all right?” Blake asks me as if reading my mind. I simply nod my response. He opens his arms for me and I hesitantly go into his embrace. He feels so good, comfortable and safe. Relaxing, I let him hold me for a minute. How can someone I barely know have such an effect on me? Eventually, I convince them both I am better and want to go back to bed and they tuck me in. I feel like a baby and I don’t like it, but I know they’re both just worried. I easily fall asleep and don’t wake until the morning.

I wake to the smell of bacon and chorizo. Yum, Joey must be in the kitchen. I can also smell coffee. Sweet Jesus, I’m going to need a big cup of that this morning. Stretching with a big yawn, I accidently hit Roger in the face. Alert, he sits next to me watching me closely. He truly is an amazing dog. I rub his back.

“Hey, big guy, I’m okay. Relax, will ya?”

He whimpers and lies down next to me. Looking around, I see two pillows aside from mine, one on the floor next to mine and another on the couch. Did Blake really sleep on the couch like my grandfather asked?

“Yes, Angelica, I found Blake on the couch when I got here this morning.” I sit up and look behind me only to find my grandfather watching me.

Giving him a big smile, I ask, “How did you know what I was thinking?”

“Darlin’, I’ve been able to read your expressions for a long time. Did you forget that? Plus, every granddad just knows.” He winks at me, but then his face turns sullen.

“They told you about the dream, didn’t they?”

“Now who can read who?” he asks.

“I’m fine, Granddad. All of this just awoke a lot of emotions within me. I just need some time to regroup, that’s all.” Speaking of time off, shit, I never called Bill.  “Fuck!” I yell, running up to my room to find my phone.

“Angelica Marie, you watch that mouth. I know I raised you better than that!” my grandfather calls from downstairs. Shit, I need to watch my mouth around him.

“Relax, AP,” I hear Joey shout from the kitchen. “I used your phone and emailed Bill this morning and told him you were taking the week off. He had no issue with it, said you needed it. Now come and set the table; breakfast is ready.” I sigh in relief, but am also upset. I should have been the one to do that. I make my way back down into the living room.

“Sorry, Granddad, I won’t swear again.” Grabbing his hand, I lead him into the kitchen. “Smells delicious, Joey,” I praise before seeing both Joey and Blake working side by side, finishing up breakfast. Well, fuck me sideways. There is nothing hotter than that. Two fine-ass men cooking, I’m a lucky girl. “Well, isn’t this every girl’s fantasy?” I can’t help it; it just slipped out. I know my grandfather is right next to me, but I could make a lot of money selling calendars with pictures just like the view I am staring at. Well, perhaps if they had a little less clothes on.

“Very funny,” Joey responds.

“Your coffee is on the table. Have a seat,” Blake tells me with a light smile. They talk in sync with one another. God, I’m in heaven, I can see it now, one man to shop with and one to fuck.
Heaven
!

“Why thank you, kind sir. I’m sure I will enjoy it very much.” I lead my granddad to the table and we take our seats. The table is already set; Joey is such a liar. Blake brings a platter of biscuits and bacon, and Joey follows with a tray of chorizo, eggs, and a bowl of gravy. Good Lord, I’m going to have to run ten miles after this feast.

My grandfather always says grace, so he leads us, “Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this meal we are about to enjoy. Please watch over everyone at this table and give them the strength to overcome the demons they face. Amen.” A chorus of amens follows suit. He didn’t have to specifically use my name for me to understand that was directed at me. I hate how he worries so much. I have to stop showing any signs of distress around him or he will never go back home. Neither will Joey or Blake for that matter. Although, I do enjoy having a full house. This right now is perfect. Sharing a meal with people who mean the most to me is simply perfect. Did I just admit that Blake means a lot to me? I mean, come on, Angelica, this isn’t a princess movie. Love at first sight, a knight in shining armor, all of that stuff is only in fairy tales. This is more of a lust I’m feeling right now. I really need to step back from whatever is happening between us. I rein in my thoughts and focus on the conversation happening around me.

After breakfast is done and the dishes are cleaned, we start to tackle our sleepover mess. Blake puts the lights away and Joey moves the couches back once I’ve folded all the blankets. Granddad takes Roger on a walk around the block, and once everything is in order, I ask the guys to leave.

“I’m fine. Joey, you of all people know how I don’t like to be hovered over. He’s back, I know. There, trauma over,” I tell them both. “Please go, both of you. Blake, I’m sure you have so much work to do and, Joey, I know you have a shoot this afternoon.” He starts to interject, but I stop him. “And no, you are not cancelling.” He sighs, knowing he won’t win this.

“I could easily work from here, Angelica,” Blake assures me. “I will leave because you asked me to, but please don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything. I’m more than willing to stay with you as long as need be.” He hugs me and kisses me lightly on my lips before saying goodbye to Joey and walking out. Why do I suddenly feel lonely? He did exactly as I asked him to and didn’t raise any arguments, so why am I sad?

“Well, that was easy. Careful with him, Ang. He is a little too clingy for my liking.” I shake my head at Joey’s response. “My shoot should only take a couple of hours. I’ll be back with dinner at around six o’clock. Do not try to tell me no. I’m not Blake; I’m not giving you the option.” He softens his comment with a kiss to my cheek. No point in arguing with him. As he heads out of the door, my grandfather walks in and they say their goodbyes.

“I passed Blake down the street. He’s a good man that one.” I stare dumbfounded at my grandfather. He has never said anything remotely nice about any man I’ve ever hung out with. I’ve never had a real boyfriend, but some fuck buddies I kept around for a few months. “He is a real gentleman that one. I can tell he was raised right. I like that.”

“Well, don’t get too attached, Granddad. He is just an acquaintance. I barely know him.”

“For someone you barely know, you sure are attached to him.”

He is right of course. “Yeah, that’s even odd for me, to be honest. But I have too much going on right now to be in a relationship. Not to mention, he is a client. That’s a big no-no.”

“Don’t you think you should have thought about that sooner?”

Leave it to my grandpa to point out the obvious. “Yeah, probably.” Feeling wrecked, I go to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. I’m going to need all the coffee I can get. “So, when is your flight out, Granddad?” I yell from the kitchen.

“What flight out?” His voice startles me as he is standing right in the doorway.

“Granddad, I told the guys and I will tell you, I’m fine. Truly I am. It was a shock that was all. Joey will be with me every night I’m sure, and when I’m not with him, I will be working. Hey, maybe soon I’ll take a vacation to the ranch. God knows I need it.”

“Honey, I’m sorry. I thought I fixed this all those years ago.” He sounds so sad, defeated almost. I put down my coffee and walk up to him.

“Granddad, now you listen here, this is not your fault. No one could have known what Edward would have done or when he would reappear in our lives. I’m honestly surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I’m not a child any more. I can take care of myself. I’m braver and stronger than you all think.”

“I know you’re brave, darlin’. I’ve never doubted that. And I know you’re strong, stronger than most think. I told you a long time ago, you wouldn’t have to see that man again and my word was a lie. I tried, honey. I truly thought I fixed it.” He won’t even make eye contact with me. Goddamn it, I hate Edward for tearing this man apart. I hate the guilt he feels right now. Edward has not only ruined my life but the lives of the ones who have loved me the most.

“Please stop before you make my cry, Granddad. You couldn’t have known he would be back. At least we’re prepared. He doesn’t know where I live, nor will he find out. I’m fine. He’s probably forgotten about me anyway.” I know that’s a lie when I say it, but I have to convince him I’m fine. Unfortunately, Edward will never forget about me. He made sure to remind me of that the last time he raped me. I know he meant it.

“I’m not happy about this at all, and if it were up to me, I would take you down to Texas where you belong. But I know how stubborn you are. Unfortunately, that’s the one thing you did get from your mother. I’ll head out, but damn it, Angelica, you call me if you need anything.” He sounds so stern, angry almost. I know he wants to be here for me, but I need to be alone.

“I will, Granddad. I promise you.” I hug him tightly. “I love you.”

“To the moon and back.” That’s his usual reply. He makes a quick call on his cell to have the jet ready for him when he gets to the airport. One of his biggest expenses to date, he bought it when I was younger. He likes the idea of hopping on it at a moment’s notice; clearly, he has reason.

I walk him to the door, we say our goodbyes one more time, and then he walks off to get a cab and tells me to get inside because it’s cold. I laugh at him but obey. No matter how old I am, he always tells me to get inside when it’s cold. God, I love this man. He is my mother’s stepfather, but he is the only grandfather I know. I have never treated him like he wasn’t blood, nor has he treated me any differently. Hell, he gave me his last name. Loyalty and love is what makes a family, and he is the only person to give me that aside from Joey. They are all the family I need. I walk back to my room and climb under the blankets. It doesn’t take long for the tears to come. Finally being alone, I am able to let my true feelings show. I’m terrified and I’m sad. Edward will find me and he will bother me. I wish it weren’t true, but that’s just the way that evil creature is. It has been years since I’ve seen him, but deep down I know he hasn’t changed one bit. That’s what scares me. I know he won’t rape me. I know he will keep me at arm’s length but that doesn’t mean he will not make his presence known. He will want to fuck with my mind. Clearly, he hit his mark. The hate he has for me runs deep. I fear for my life with him around me. I wouldn’t put it past him to want me dead. If not by his own hands, he might push my own.

I guess I fell asleep eventually because Roger wakes me by nudging my side. Shit, I haven’t fed him today. God, I’m losing it. “I’m sorry, big guy.” I power walk into the kitchen to feed him. Looking at the clock, I realize it’s one pm. I leave Roger to eat while I go and change for a run; it’s just what I need. Running is my personal form of therapy. It helps to clear my mind. I change quickly then check my phone while Roger finishes his lunch. I have a text from Joey and an email from Blake. I’ve been alone all of three hours and they are both checking on me. They seriously need to relax.