A Lighter Shade of Blue (Kings of Chaos Book 2) (19 page)

Blue

I sit under the hot spray scrubbing my skin. I could still feel the sticky droplets of Jamie’s blood clinging to my skin, dampening my shirt, and pressing into my flesh. My stomach rolls
. I killed a man in cold blood. No—I killed my ex-boyfriend. Did he ever love me? Was it all a ploy?
The answers to all the questions are lost to an unmarked grave. I want to ask for more details, but its club business. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s eating me from the inside out. I brought this evil to my family. Gave him a platform and fell right into his hands like a stupid bitch. I’ve never been reckless or unintelligent. I don’t know how I missed it.

The drug induced haze is a jumbled mix of memories of Shadow with kind words, gentle caresses, and relief. He didn’t leave my side or deny me, and I love him for that. He’s also never brought it up again, which I’m also grateful for. I just wish he would touch me again. It’s only been a few days, but his caution is painfully obvious.

The world continues to spin. The club is moving forward with plans, Bolton is blissfully ignorant to the details, and I’m stuck in this strange time loop. What was once an event I looked forward to is now…something I fear. How can I pretend to be happy about being patched when I feel anything but worthy of the title Old Lady?

A knock comes on the door.

“Blue, you got a visitor,” Bolt says.

“Who is it?”

He walks away without answering.

Teenagers.
I take a deep breath and rein in my crazy. I know the drill by now—smile, listen, regurgitate information and they’ll think I’m okay. I turn off the faucet, and struggle to my feet. Pins and needles run up my legs.
How long have I been sitting in here?
My skin is red, and tender. Embarrassment and shame fill me.
Why do I care about killing someone who had the plans he did for me? He tried to ruin my family. I should be glad the fucker is gone.
Disgusted, I grab my towel, wipe down, and make my way to my room. I throw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, then pad out front. If it’s my mom, I may have a nervous breakdown.

I enter the living room and scream. “Dixie Rose!”

She opens her arms.

I run to her, tackling her in a hug that sends us both crashing down onto the couch. “Oh my God, what are you doing here so early? The party isn’t until this weekend!”

“Pops called me and filled me in.” Dixie brushes the hair back from my face. Her large brown eyes take in everything I want to hide. It’s always been that way between us. “You are
so
not okay, babe.”

“I am.” I swallow. A lump forms in my throat.

“You know you’ve never been able to get things past me,” Dixie says. Her husky alto is full of truth and wisdom.

I usually appreciate it, but right now, it’s the last thing I need. I pull away. “You’re reading too much into things.”

“No, I’m not. Show me where I’m staying, please.”

“Aunt Blue, if you’re good I’m going to head off to school.”

“Yeah, baby, go ahead. I’ll see you when you get home, okay?”

Bolt nods.

I’d taken personal time from school, telling them I caught a nasty bug I needed to let run its course. I couldn’t handle the kids right now. I might be delusional, but I’m not that far gone. They take everything you got, and right now, my tank is low. I grab her small suitcase, and pull it down the hall.

She follows me, silent.

I know she’s waiting for Bolt to leave.

The door slams and his motorcycle starts up.

“He’s got a bike now?” Dixie asks, looking stunned.

“A baby bike. He doesn’t know it, but Shadow plans on giving him a Harley when he graduates.”

“They’ve had that boy’s cut ready from the minute he was born, I’m not surprised,” she states. “How’s he doing?”

“Great, now that Shadow is back on his ass about things.”

“I think Aunt Blue had a lot to do with it, too,” Dixie says.

“See why I love you? You’re always lifting me up.”

“Just telling you the truth you never hear enough of.” She closes the door behind her and sits on the bed. “Now, tell me how you
really
are.”

“As okay as I can be, I guess.” I shrug.

“Bullshit. Sit down, look me in the eye, and say that.”

I lift my eyes to meet hers and my lower lip trembles. “What do you want me to say, Dix?”

“Whatever you need to say.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. You want me to say how fucking stupid I was not to see this coming a mile away? How I put everyone in danger with my selfishness?”

She grips my arms. “Oh my God, how can you say that?”

“I brought him into our fold. What if this had put Shadow back in jail? It’d be all my fault.”

“No. You did not do this. You were targeted because of the club, not the other way around. I’m not going to let you do this shit and play martyr like you always do. Remember when you told me you were done with that?” she snaps.

“I am.”

“Then act like it!”

“It’s so easy to say. Because you’re not in it,” I mutter.

“Then explain it to me, Bluebell. You’re not alone. I’m here. I will always be here for you. You know that.”

“I hate to admit how it makes me feel. God, why didn’t I see he was fucked up? I had him around Bolton. I heard his comments about the club. Where was my red flag system?”

“I’m sure he hid it, babe. That’s what people like that do. They’re masters at hiding their true intent. Plus, wasn’t he really a private detective? That’s a lifetime spent studying subterfuge. I know for a fact, no one blames you. My pops says they’re damn proud of you.”

“They are?” I whisper.

“Shit, yeah. You took this fucker down on your own, Blue.
You
did it. There was no cavalry. You were the one handling business. Don’t let your fucked up headspace that has you right now turn that around. You took a life, that’s going to fuck with you no matter why you did it. And that’s okay.” She grabs my hands and squeezes. “They live and breathe this. It’s nothing to them. We aren’t the same way. Don’t feel like you have to be like Psycho or Shadow. You deal with it the way Bluebell needs to, okay?”

The dam I had on my emotions breaks. The tears flow. “I killed him! I know I had to, but I hated it, every minute of it. The look of betrayal on his face when he realized it. The way he touched me, like he had the right to. I don’t think I’ll ever get the blood off my hands or my body. I wake up at night and I swear I can feel the warm, sticky weight. I’m having nightmares. I shudder all the time. I try to downplay them, but Shadow knows. He holds me and talks me down from every one. I can’t help but think he deserves better than a mess. How can I let him ink me for life, when I’m l-like this?”

“Hey. He’s lucky to have you,” Dixie says, wagging her finger like a teacher scolding a child. “Don’t you ever forget that!”

“It just doesn’t feel that way right now,” I whisper.

“I know, baby. But you’re going to work through this. Hell, it’s only been days. A few months from now, a year, this will be just a rough patch on the road of life. You have to remember that. It’s like high school. Eventually, you get past the bullshit and realize it’s not the end all be all to your life.”

I laugh. “I get that.”

“Good.” She wipes away my tears with her thumbs. “I can understand why you don’t want to talk about this to Shadow. But please talk to me, or Ruthie.”

I shake my head. “She doesn’t know. She can’t.”

“I figured as much. But she and Skull are doing…well, whatever they’re doing,” she says with a shrug.

Chuckling, I swipe at my eyes. “Pretty much.”

“Where’s your old man? I imagined he’d be glued to your hip.”

“He has been. They’re preparing everything for the local chapter meeting. You know we’ve got the reveal for the new compound we built. Stone doesn’t trust it to the prospects.”

“Poor grunts,” Dixie mutters, shaking her head.

I laugh. “They signed up for it.”

“Gluttons for punishment, all of them,” Dixie says in agreement.

“Anyone else know you’re here?” I ask.

“Pops. He picked me up from the airport. I’m sure by the end of the day, it’ll be everywhere. The stuck up daughter came back to visit
finally
.” She rolls her eyes.

“Fuck them, Dix.”

“Exactly. There’s the girl I know and love.”

“I see what you did there,” I say, immensely grateful she flew in early.

“You feeling a little better?” She ducks her head down to meet my gaze.

“A lot. Around Shadow, I feel like I have to be so strong. Like breaking down will make him feel bad. I know he’s kicking himself for not getting to me sooner. But no one could have known.”

“Precisely. Include yourself in that forgiving attitude,” Dixie adds.

“You’re a smart girl,” I say.

“I was a psych major for a reason.”

“I thought it was the free therapy for all the shit we had to see growing up,” I tease.

“Yeah, that too.” She snickers.

“Fuck, Dix, you’re back in town. What are we doing to do with our day?”

“Go to the beach, and pretend like we don’t have any responsibilities.”

“I am so down for that, let me tell Shadow.”

“Awww, such a good Old Lady already.”

I punch her arm playfully. “Shut up, you. Come on, let’s go grab my phone.”

Twenty minutes later, we’re laying on the beach and I feel nearly human. The sun is warm on my skin, the ocean is a dazzling blue, and the company is superb. “How’s life in Santa Monica?” I ask.

“Laid back, nice. I like counseling high school kids, you know? They’re so innocent and ready to take on the world. It’s inspirational. I never remember feeling like that when were teenagers.”

“’Cause we knew better.”

“It’s true. The shit we saw. People dying, going to jail, betraying each other, and the fear when we had the lockdowns. It was like a warzone. But when it’s good, it is the most amazing in the world.”

“So, why leave? Just because of a few assholes?”

“It was more than that and you know it,” she whispers.

“But you never admitted it out loud.”

“Did I need to?” she asks.

“I just bared my soul. I think the least you could do is be straight up with me.”

Sighing, she collapses back onto one of the colorful beach towels we laid under our umbrella. “You know damn well it was because of Echo. You know what it’s like being in love with someone whose father is a racist. You know Mouth has always been vocal about his opinions on me, and African Americans in general.”

“God, he should’ve stood up to the old prick.”

“For what? The eighteen-year-old piece of ass he might not want in a year? They named him Echo because he was always right behind his dad, repeating everything. How he managed to not hate brown-skinned people is beyond me.”

“Because Echo is smarter than that. He also loved you back,” I assure her.

“None of it matters now. It’s water under the bridge.”

I shade my eyes with my hand and spot Shadow coming across the beach with a few other brothers. “You sure about that?”

“Positive,” she drawls.

“Okay, ’cause Echo’s on his way over here.”

“What?” she asks, sitting straight up. “Holy shit, he’s massive.”

“Um, yeah. I’d say he’s grown enough to stand up to Daddy now.”

His green eyes are locked onto Dixie Rose like a homing beacon. The feelings are still there between them.

This is going to make for an interesting weekend.
“Hey, babe,” I say to Shadow.

“How you doing, girl? Came to check on you.” He winks.

“Doing well. Echo, prospect.”

“Hey, Bluebell, Dixie Rose.” Her name is a whisper on his voice.