A Love Letter to Whiskey (29 page)

I clicked on my television for background noise, landing on MTV. “Oh you know, the usual. I miss the guy I basically told to fuck off and I have nothing to show for my current life outside of an extensive client list at work.”

“Why is that a bad thing? You work your ass off and everyone sees it. I
wish
I had your work ethic. You’re going to be making six figures by the time you’re thirty.”

“Yeah…” I traced the rim of my glass with my fingertip. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I’m proud of what I’ve done.”

“But everything sucks without Jamie.”

I sighed. “Nailed it.”

“Okay, before we go any further,” Jenna said, and I heard her suck another spoonful of ice cream. “What do you need from me tonight? Do you want me to pet your hair and talk you off the ledge or do you want some tough bestie love that feels like an ass slap and a punch straight to the nose all at once?”

I took another, longer sip of wine, repeating her question in my mind. She’d been petting my hair and telling me what was easiest to hear for months, but for whatever reason, on that cold Friday night in November with the holidays just around the corner, I felt particularly homesick and lonely. I was ready to cry into my bottle of wine, to shed the emotions I felt bubbling up too high in my throat. And maybe, just maybe, I was ready to face the truth I’d been avoiding.

“Kick me in the teeth.”

Jenna clapped her hands together on the other end of the line. “Okay, just remember you asked for this.” She paused, shuffling around, and I imagined her sitting up straight like she usually did before we had our come-to-Jesus best friend talks.

I untucked my legs, stretching out on the couch and pulling the throw blanket off the back to cover myself. “Mouthguard in place. Let’s hear it.”

“First off, you are your own worst enemy. You always have been. But this whole thing with Jamie showed me a whole new side of your warped sense of yourself and how you affect others.”

“Okay, you have my attention. Explain.”

“Well, you left Alder and never went back because you were so convinced that you were like poison or something. You thought he would drop out of school and lose everything he’d ever worked for because he wanted to love you while you were fucked up. But the reality is, if you would have gone back, Jamie probably would have brought you back to life sooner than you did on your own.”

I frowned. “I don’t think so. I was a mess back then. He had his own worries going on with his dad’s firm and I didn’t want to bring another source of stress into his life.”

“Right.
You
didn’t want to, but Jamie was happy to be the person you leaned on. He wanted to be. You just wouldn’t let him. And then, you run into him out of some miracle at the literal exact moment in your life where you finally felt okay again. And yes, you moved. Yes, long distance sucks, but you know what? It’s possible. I mean, do you
honestly
see yourself staying in Pittsburgh forever?”

“I don’t know. Maybe,” I said defensively. “The point is there’s no way for us to know if the long distance thing will be permanent or temporary.”

“Yes there is.”

“How?”

“You make the decision to have it be temporary, B. It’s as easy as that. You look at what’s important in your life, and if Jamie is a top priority, then you adjust everything else accordingly.”

“He is important, but so is my career,” I said, huffing. “I don’t want to give up what I’ve finally figured out on my own for a boy.”

“Oh please,” she scoffed. “It’s not like that and you know it. It’s not like Jamie is asking you to stay at home with the kids and drop all your dreams. He’s asking you to work with him, to be a team, to finally put him first now that the timing is right. I mean look, first he was dating me, then you were dating Ethan, then your dad passed, and then you moved away. Even still, after
all that,
you two somehow found your way back to each other. And now, the only thing keeping you from being together is
you.
”

“You make it sound so simple.”

“Because it is!” She laughed. “Babe, wake up. Jamie loves you. He put his heart on the line like no other guy I’ve ever seen in my
life
. Don’t walk away from that because you think you’re doing him some sort of favor. He knows you’re not going to marry him and move back home right away. He knows you’re not ready to have kids. It doesn’t matter. He wants
you,
B. And even though you’re trying to prove you don’t feel the same for some stupid reason, we both know you do. Stop acting like not wanting him makes you strong. There’s more courage in admitting you love someone and fighting for them than letting them go because it hurts less.”

Suddenly, my wine tasted sour, and I sat the glass on my coffee table before laying back on the couch and covering my eyes with my forearm. Jenna’s words didn’t sink in slowly or jolt me like a shocking realization. No, the truth was everything she said I’d already known. Maybe I’d always known. So hearing her say them out loud only ripped the curtain down, the one I’d hung high to separate me from the ugly truth. Now, I was staring at it, right in the eyes, and it was just as terrifying as it had been when I’d covered it.

“I’m so fucking screwed,” I cried, my voice breaking.

“You’re not. You can still do something about it. But first, you need to figure out what it is that’s always had you running from him.”

I sniffed, letting my arm fall to the side and staring up at my ceiling. “I don’t know how to love someone, Jenna. I just don’t. I never saw it in my house, not with my parents. I never felt it with Ethan. I did with Jamie, and instantly — as soon as I realized I loved him — I was overwhelmed with panic and fear.”

“Shit…” Jenna breathed. “It’s your dad. You’ve got daddy issues.”

“Wow, Jenna.”

“No,” she said quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I liked your dad, I was just as confused as you were when everything… when it all came out, you know? But it all makes sense now. You thought your mom loved your dad and then you found out what he did to her. And your dad was the first man you ever loved, and he hurt you — he practically killed you. You affiliate love with fear.”

For a few moments I just breathed, thinking on what she’d said. It seemed too simple, too cliché, and yet at the same time it felt real.

“What do I do?”

Jenna paused, and I continued staring up at my ceiling, like the answer would fall down from the floor above.

“You call your boss and tell him you won’t be in on Monday. Then, you book the earliest flight for tomorrow, you go shopping and get your hair done with your best friend, and you go get your man.”

I laughed. “That’s so dramatic.”

“Love often is.”

I pulled the blanket up over my shoulders and turned on my side, curling my legs to my chest. “What if he doesn’t want to see me? We haven’t talked since that night.”

“Stop making excuses and book the damn flight. I’m hanging up now. See you tomorrow.”

A sad laugh crept out of me. “I love you.”

“You too. Text me your flight info.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know,” I said, and she ended the phone call before I could thank her.

I was still terrified. I wasn’t sure if I could do this, if I could do long distance, if I could be with Jamie and handle the pressure of a relationship along with the pressure at work. But if anything, Jenna had opened my eyes to the fact that I had been running from Jamie, and only for selfish reasons. I’d never shown him that he was important in my life, and he was. It was time I showed it.

And maybe love was scary, but with Jamie, it was amazing, too. It hurt worse to live without him, and I’d realized that now.

I emailed my boss, booked a flight, and then I finished my bottle of wine, all the while wishing it were Whiskey, instead. That was the night I convinced myself that I could take control of my life, of my relationship with Jamie, if only I made the decision to. Face your fear, and you can conquer anything — right? But what I neglected to realize was that even when it seems like everything has finally clicked into place, the biggest player in the game of life is timing — and you either have that player on your team, or you don’t.

That weekend, I would learn quickly and painfully that timing was never on our side.

“ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T
want me to meet you there?”

I shook my head before realizing Jenna couldn’t see me. “Nope, just touching up and then going inside. I want to do it on my own.”

“Okay. I mean, not that I’m anxious to go and then be left behind when you guys go back to his place to bang all night but you can totally pull the best friend card if you need to.”

I laughed, applying a fresh coat of dark burgundy lipstick. My gray eyes popped against the smoky shadow Jenna had showed me how to do and my lashes were long and dark. “I’ll be okay.”

“I know you will. Just be honest with him and then make up all night long.”

“I like the picture you paint.”

“Well shit, maybe I should just quit law school and be an artist.”

I rolled my eyes. “Bye, Jenna.”

Once I was alone in my mom’s car, I let out a long, slow, shaky breath, staring at my reflection in the small visor mirror. My cheeks were hinted with a blush and my hair was styled with tight curls. I’d shopped all day with Jenna, and she was right — I felt more confident in a new pair of skin-tight leather leggings and deep v-neck blouse. I slid out of my sandals and pulled my heels from the passenger seat, putting them on one by one before bracing my hands on the steering wheel again. I let myself stall for thirty more seconds, then I grabbed my clutch and made my way inside.

I’d planned to show up at his house, but ended up running into his youngest sister at the mall when I was with Jenna. She’d told me he was going out tonight, to his favorite bar, celebrating after the hellish week they’d had at work. Busy season happened two times a year for them — February to May, and September through November. They’d survived, and I hoped me showing up would add to the celebration.

It was dark in the bar, and even though my stomach was tight with anticipation, I didn’t seek Jamie out at first. Instead, I headed straight for the bar, sliding up on a barstool and flagging down the bartender. This was my first strategic move for two reasons: one, I needed libations to get through my nerves, and two, I was half-hoping Jamie would see me first. I was ready, I knew everything I wanted to say, but it would be easier if he had to make the walk across the bar to me. If he simply strutted up with that beautiful smile of his and asked,
“What are you doing here?”
with wonder in his eyes. Then, I could spill my heart like they do in the movies, and we’d spend the night the way Jenna imagined.

That’s what I hoped for, but it wasn’t what I got.

I did get a glass of Makers Mark on the rocks, a sweet bourbon that was easy to drink and made me feel a little less tightly wound. And then, I got hit on.

“Whiskey girl, huh?” a sweet voice asked. I turned, glass still at my lips, and found a strikingly beautiful woman on the bar stool next to me.

I nodded, smiling as I finished swallowing. “Yeah. You?”

She held up her bottle of Bud Light. “Nah, more of a cheap beer gal myself.” She grinned wide, her sea-green eyes raking over me slowly. She reminded me a little of Mona with her long dark hair and exotic features, but Mona wore a constant look of distaste while this woman’s smile was warm and inviting. “I’m Claire.”

“B,” I said, tipping my glass to her before taking another sip.

“Bee, huh? Like the bumble?”

I laughed. “Like the letter. It’s just my first initial.”

“Ah, makes sense now. Well, B, what brings you to this shit hole of a bar?”

The fist in my stomach gripped tighter. For a moment, I’d almost forgotten. “I’m here to see about a boy.”

Disappointment settled in over her features, but she masked it with an easy smile. “Of course, should have known you’d be taken. Not going to lie, I was kind of counting my lucky stars that you slid up next to me looking all sweet, innocent, and lonely.”