A Lush Rhapsody: A Rhapsody Novel (16 page)

W
hen I wake
up our first morning in Sacramento I’m curled in a ball on the sofa, still in all of my clothes. My head hurts, my eyes are gritty, and my neck is stiff. As my mind struggles to overcome the fog and remember what city, what day, and what hotel this is, my eyes land on the bottle of massage oil on the coffee table in front of me. It all comes rushing back—waiting for Blaze to show up, Colin showing up instead, the texts. I pick up my phone, my heart suddenly racing because I realize I fell asleep before I heard back from Blaze and he’s not here now, so something serious must have happened.

When I pick up my phone I think somehow I’ve misread the message at first. Something came up. What the fuck? Blaze and I haven’t been doing this that long, but he’s never brushed me off like that. He never gives me ambiguous answers like, “I’ll try” or “See you around” or “Something came up.” I snort. Something came up. Did that something have double Ds and bleach blonde hair? My heart clenches. The guy is a rock star afterall. They’re not known for being loyal, and he was every bit the roaming rock star before he went to rehab.

I take a shaky breath. I can’t believe this. Why do men always do this? Want more from you until you give it, then drop you like a hot potato. The alarm on my phone chimes, reminding me that I’ve got rehearsal in forty-five minutes. I stand and trudge to the bathroom for a shower. There’s no question, I need my sister, and I need her fast, but it’ll have to wait until the car ride to the amphitheater. I’ve got a job to get ready for, and my band doesn’t care about my sore heart, because they have no idea that my heart’s even been beating for someone. Because I’ve lied to them, and judging by last night’s text it was probably for the best that I did. It’s too bad that my body and heart can’t agree on that.

* * *

M
ike is pissing me off
. We’ve been working out some kinks in one of our new songs, and he keeps playing over my solo. He says he’s sorry, but I think he’s doing it on purpose, because really—he’s one of the greatest rock guitarists in the world, how can he make a mistake like that over and over again?

“You did it again, dude,” Joss tells him as we all grind to a halt. We’re onstage at the Sleeptrain Amphitheater for rehearsals the day before our performance. Walsh gives a flourish with his cymbals to congratulate Mike on fucking up yet again.

“Goddamit!” Mike shouts. “Can we just change it? I can’t do it, it feels really forced to me.”

“Well, it’s not,” I snap. “It makes perfect sense, and one of us has to drop off there or it’ll be a muddled mess, so if I don’t get a solo there then I guess you will.”

Mike’s face is red and I see Colin put a hand on his arm.

“I’m doing the best I fucking can…” Mike starts, then stops abruptly, lays his guitar down on the floor, and walks offstage.

We all stand and stare after him. Mike never backs down. Never. He’s an asshole. He has no diplomatic skills, and no filters. He’s definitely an acquired taste, but I’ve actually begun to see his finer qualities over the last few months, and I thought we were doing okay.

Walsh stands. “I’ll go,” he says.

“No.” I put out a hand like a stop sign. “Let me. It’s between he and I, I can handle it.”

I see both Colin and Walsh look at Joss, but he just shrugs, so no one says anything as I walk off the direction Mike exited.

I find him leaning against a wall near a lighting closet just offstage. He’s got a bottle of water but it’s hanging from his hand alongside his leg. His head is down, chin to chest as he sort of slumps there alone.

I approach cautiously, waiting to see him look up and acknowledge me. When he doesn’t, I just lean against the wall next to him and cross my arms, ready to battle.

“I don’t believe for one second that you can’t figure that transition out,” I say.

He sighs. “Look, I’m not fucking up on purpose, Tully. I realize why you’d think that, but I’m not.”

He sounds so genuine, so beaten down and unlike himself my temper dies down almost immediately.

“So what’s going on?” I ask.

“I’ve got some things on my mind. I guess it’s distracting me. I’m trying to pull it together, but honestly? I’m not sure I can today.”

Backstage technicians are walking past, but because we’re in this little darkened niche, no one seems to notice us.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to handle Mike right now. If he were one of my brothers I’d tell him I don’t give a shit about his drama and he needs to get it together. But I don’t think he deserves that. He’s a jerk, but he’s
our
jerk—Lush’s—so I can’t just tear into him when he’s down like this. I choose to go the “sister” route instead. Talking to him the way I would if my sister was in the same circumstances.

“So, uh, do you want to talk about it?” I ask quietly, ready to run for the hills when he starts yelling at me.

He glances up at me, then his eyes drop again. “The guys don’t know…”

I make a key turning motion at my lips and throw away the pretend key.

“Jenny found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks ago.”

So he’s freaking out about being a father. That’s no surprise. He’s hardly the type.

“But yesterday she miscarried,” he continues.

Oh. Shit. My stomach does a little twist, and my eyes burn. Jenny is the sweetest woman you’d ever meet. She’s a country star, wholesome, blue eyed, blonde haired. Sort of Mike’s polar opposite, but they work.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him putting a hand on his forearm.

He holds his hand over mine for a moment before patting it and letting it go. “Thanks. It’s not so much that I’m torn up about it—I mean, I was excited, but it was really just a concept to me, not much reality there yet. But, Jenny is all kinds of sad, and it’s killing me.”

“Is she in Portland?” I ask.

“No. She’s been on tour, so I can’t go to her.” He leans his head back against the wall, looking up to the ceiling, and I can see the pain etched on his face, something that’s at odds with his typical
fuck the world
aesthetic.

“You know, my sister had a miscarriage.”

“Yeah? Was it hard on her?”

I nod. “It was. Six months later she was pregnant again and now I’ve got a darling nephew, but there were some rough times in there. I’d be happy to ask Savvy to call Jenny. I mean, maybe it would help her to talk to someone who’s been through it? I think it’s different for the woman who’s actually felt those changes inside of her, you know?”

“You don’t think Savvy would mind?”

“Not at all. In fact, she worked with a support group for women who’d miscarried. She helped lead the weekly meetings and stuff. She knows quite a bit about it.”

Mike turns to me and doesn’t say anything, just wraps his big arms around me and squeezes. I’m shocked, but I go with it, patting him on the back gingerly. When he finally pulls away I’d swear his eyes are damp, but that couldn’t be true because he’s Mike Fucking Owens. I don’t think the guy cried even as an infant.

“I can’t tell you how much that means to me, Tully. It’s like a huge weight off my chest. I’ve been checking on her all day, but I don’t know what to say and I feel helpless. To know that Savvy can be there for her too? What a relief.”

I give him a shoulder bump. “No biggie, really. We’ve got her back.”

He grabs my hand and leads us back toward the stage. “In case I haven’t told you lately, I’m really glad Dave adopted you,” he says.

I roll my eyes and laugh.

“Welcome to the family, T.” He leans down and kisses my temple as we walk onstage where the other guys are waiting. They applaud and smile at us, and my heart grows about ten sizes. The family.
My
family. A family that really wants me. Blaze may have tired of me already, but this helps. Family helps. It’s what I’ve been searching for most of my life, and I’ll do whatever it takes to preserve it.

* * *

I
’m walking
down a hallway backstage after rehearsals when I’m suddenly yanked into a broom closet as I pass by. I yelp, but before I can start to fight, strong hands pin me to the door, familiar lips crush mine, a big, hot body grinds against me, and I hear Blaze groan as he kisses me nearly senseless. I moan in response and I can’t help the way my entire body molds itself around him. My hips tilt to meet his erection, my breasts ache for his touch, one of my legs lifts to wrap around his hip, and my hands move to his back, snaking under the hem of his t-shirt to feel his smooth, burning skin.

When he finally lifts his head to take a breath I regain my senses and shove at him. “What the fuck? You stood me up last night. You don’t get to ravish me in a closet today.”

He runs his lips across my collar bone and I can’t help the breathy noise that comes out of me.

“I’m sorry, babe. So sorry,” he whispers.

I drop my hands to the wall behind me and lift my face to the ceiling, trying to disengage even as he continues to kiss and taste me from chest to temples.

“What the hell is going on, Blaze?”

He finally leans back and looks me in eyes. “I panicked. I’m sorry. I was so worried that I’ve ruined everything for you.”

I can see the anguish in his gaze, and I put my palm along his stubble-rough cheek. “Hey, what happened? You’re scaring me.”

“When Colin came to your door last night?”

I nod.

“I was walking down the hallway on my way to your room at the same time. Before he knocked I walked by him, trying to act like I had business some other place on the floor. But then you opened the door and acted like you’d been expecting someone.”

I sigh. I’m relieved. He’s worrying about something he doesn’t have to. Colin totally bought my excuse about room service. It’s all good.

“It’s all fine, guitar hero. He wasn’t suspicious at all. And he only stayed for a couple of minutes, didn’t even come inside.” I kiss him softly on the lips. “You’ve been beating yourself up over nothing. It’s all good, I promise.”

“Oh, short stack, I wish that were true.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his phone. He swipes the screen and pushes a few buttons before holding it up in front of my face. I read the text displayed there.

503-555-1212:
I don’t know what’s going on, but if I find out you fucked with her there will be nowhere you can hide.

I blink at the words for a moment trying to process what I’m seeing.

“Who sent that?” I ask, my voice smaller than I’ve ever heard it.

“Colin,” he answers. “I checked the number against the tour directory. It came within five minutes of seeing him outside your door.”

My breath is shaky and fear spikes in my chest. “So you think he knows?”

“I think he strongly suspects.”

I forget that Blaze stood me up, I forget that we’re in a broom closet, I forget that I’m supposed to be on my way to the parking lot to get a ride back to the hotel. All I can think is that I’m going to be thrown out of the band, and it’ll serve me right. The Lush guys have been so good to me. They had every reason to hate me, but they’ve gotten used to me, they’ve let me in, both musically and personally. They’ve been kind and considerate and generous and I’ve repaid them by screwing the one guy in the world they don’t like.

“Oh my God,” I whisper stepping away from Blaze.

“I panicked, babe. I didn’t know what to do, and I’m so sorry for bailing on you last night. I can’t stand the idea that I’ve gotten you into this situation. It’s selfish and I’m an asshole for putting what I wanted ahead of what’s best for you.”

He’s tortured, I can hear it in his voice, but I’m too caught up in my own turmoil to comfort him. My mind is spinning with panic. I think back to today’s rehearsal, every word Colin said, every look he gave me. Had he told the rest of them yet? Could they have been that normal with me if they knew? I don’t think so. Joss and Mike wear their hearts on their sleeves, they couldn’t have played music with me all morning and not addressed an elephant like that in the room.

Blaze has leaned back against the wall next to me, his hands in his front pockets, chin to his chest.

When I speak, my voice is small, and I hate it. I hate this. “What do I do now?”