A Matter of Destiny (25 page)

She didn't tell him that another man had been partially responsible for helping her to see clearly and to forgive. She gazed off into the distance for a moment, wanting to tell him so much more, if she could.

"The boys and I are fine, and...oh, Tom, we miss you so much." As her tears fell, Sharon couldn't say anymore for awhile.

When she'd gained control, Sharon knew she had to say the words outloud, or they'd torture her always. "Tom, I know about Kathy...I don't know why you did what you did, and I wish we could've talked about it."

She spent a few more moments, gathering her thoughts.

"I guess I'll never know if I'd failed you as a wife in some way, but you certainly let me down. I'm angry with you for taking away so many good memories. I hope I can regain them with time."

She drew a handkerchief from her purse and blew her nose.

"Dammit, Tom. What the hell were you thinking? You're the one to blame, not me. I refuse to feel guilty for your sin. I carry enough guilt for every other damn thing, like all mothers do."

Sharon realized that expressing her anger toward her husband was part of a healing process she needed to go through. Now that her anger was spent, she felt drained.

She stood and walked away, leaving part of her life behind, but it was time to let go.

She knew now it was what Tom would have wanted. If he'd loved her at all, and she was sure he had, he'd want her to try and be happy.

Several days later, Sharon leaned against the door frame of the master bedroom.

"It can't be," she said aloud. "Maybe I have a recurring case of the flu...or..." But her rational side knew it wasn't a virus.

Sometimes her nerves threw her cycle off, but not this much. She had to find out as soon as possible. Why had she waited so long, ignoring the possibilities?

She wished she could talk to Paula about it, but Sharon's thoughts were heading down a path she didn't want to share with anyone. It wasn't as if she were happily married or likely to be any time soon.

Her first action was to take a day off. Esther had been urging her to get more rest and was aware Sharon wasn't feeling well.

When she called in, Esther said, "Take today and tomorrow, dear. You need to slow down and rest up, like I've been tellin' you."

"Thanks, Esther, I will. See you Monday." Today was Thursday. That gave Sharon four days to think things through.

"Mom, aren't you going to work today?" Luke stood outside her bedroom door, yelling loudly enough to be heard down the street.

"No, hon, I don't feel good. You and David go ahead."

"Can David drive the car?"

She heard the hopeful note in his voice. David's clunker had sputtered and died last week. She knew they hated to ride the bus, but she needed the car.

"Not today, Luke. I may need to run out for a prescription or something."

The silence grew for a moment and Sharon wondered if he'd already gone.

Then, "Okay, bye."

"Goodbye." She listened as he clomped down the stairs, then experiencing an unreasonable feeling of being inaccessible to her sons, she went out into the hall. "Have a good day," she called, but there was no response.

Sharon scurried around for the next half hour, getting dressed for the drive into Sandpoint. She'd buy the home pregnancy test there instead of the Corner Drug.

This town was too small.

As her little blue car rolled into Sandpoint an hour later, Sharon's palms were sticky with perspiration. There were two pharmacies on Main Street. Sharon pulled up to the first one.

The store was bright with fluorescent lights and colorful displays. She felt as if she were on display herself. Wandering up and down the aisles, she kept her gaze moving, searching. Don't tell me this is one of those items the pharmacist keeps behind the counter, she thought. No, there it was.

She grabbed the box, then a bottle of cough syrup she didn't need, and went up to the cash register. She forced her expression to remain blank as she paid for the purchase, and hurried back to the car.

Not until she'd reached her own home did she breathe a sigh of relief.

That afternoon, the results of the test were on the bathroom counter. Goosebumps covered Sharon's skin as she stared at the proof of her condition. Positive. She stood motionless for a long time, then stumbled over to the bed.

Pregnant and unmarried at thirty-six years old.

She felt like a teenager who'd made love in the back seat of a car. How could she have let this happen? All because of her terror of storms.

Don't kid yourself, she thought. It was more than that, much more. She'd wanted to be close to Joe and had practically forced him into a situation where he couldn't refuse.

Shame rippled through her. Now, what? What would Joe say if she told him? Could their friendship grow into love with time? Would he ask her to marry him out of a sense of duty, then feel trapped?

She'd rather die than put either of them through that.

Sharon rolled off the bed and grabbed a directory from her desk. Gynecologists. Her fingers ran down the listings until she found one in Spokane. She didn't want to go to her family doctor, or even one in Sandpoint.

She called the number and made an appointment for the next day. There had been a cancellation. Otherwise, the receptionist informed her, she couldn't have scheduled her for another two weeks.

Now Sharon just had to get through the next twenty-four hours.

Another thought occurred to her. These tests weren't one-hundred percent accurate. Maybe a futile hope, but one she clung to desperately. She remembered the miscarriage she'd had when she and Tom were trying to have more children.

Eventually, they'd stopped using all precautions since it seemed she was no longer able to conceive. How ironic that she'd conceived so easily with Joe.

If only...if only she wasn't pregnant, maybe they could start over and allow their relationship to develop naturally. She'd have been willing to try, but not this way. It just wouldn't work.

As Sharon prepared dinner, she tried to put everything out of her mind, at least for a little while. When she burned her hand after grabbing a hot handle, she knew she hadn't succeeded.

Luke didn't help matters by mentioning that Joe had asked about her, but he'd been with Susan at the time. It helped firm her resolve not to tell him.

Her silence would be her gift for all the things he'd done for her.

When Sharon realized she'd been snapping at the boys all evening, she decided it was time for bed. It wasn't their fault she was so uptight.

"I'm going to Spokane tomorrow," she told them before heading upstairs. "I've got some unfinished business that has to do with your father."

That was all she could think of as an explanation. How ironic. Now she was using Tom as a partner in her deception.

Her sons didn't question her reason, and she kissed them goodnight. "Don't forget to clean up the kitchen," she reminded them.

As exhausted as she was, physically and mentally, Sharon couldn't sleep. She kept going over all her options. It would be simpler to tell Joe and allow him to shoulder some of the responsibility. He wouldn't run out on her, she was sure of that, but if he offered to marry her, what kind of marriage would they have? What if he was seriously involved with Susan?

Besides, she didn't know him well enough to marry him, regardless of the way he made her feel. You knew him well enough to sleep with him, her inner voice admonished.

A mixture of shame and intense longing shot through her as she relived that night, the source of her present anguish. She tossed restlessly onto her side, trying to stop remembering.

Sharon heard the boys coming up the stairs, whispering back and forth. They were trying to be quiet, thinking she was asleep, but the more cautious Luke was, the more noise he made. He dropped his tennis shoes, then clattered around in the bathroom until finally, a hushed silence settled over the house.

Sharon dreaded the silence, because her jumbled thoughts would not be still. If she didn't tell Joe, what then? Move away? She certainly wouldn't want to stay in this town. But where would they go?

She'd have to tell her parents and her sons, and they'd never understand. She shivered, even beneath the heavy comforter, imagining the looks on all their faces.

Sharon closed her eyes tightly, but the images wouldn't go away.

Pregnant after a one-night stand. She'd turned to Joe only eight months after Tom's death. Sharon rolled over, staring into the darkness.

Another choice waited in the background and felt like a tangible presence in the room. Abortion.

It was against everything she'd ever believed in. But then, so was the night she'd spent with Joe. "Two wrongs don't make a right," she heard her mother say as she had so often during Sharon's childhood.

Sharon wanted to be held in her mother's arms. She'd never in her life had to face such a decision.
God help me.
Sharon pressed her face into the pillow to muffle her tears as she wept bitterly.

She knew that sleep would elude her tonight.

Joseph could no longer transport his consciousness at will, but Serena brought him before her.

"You're running out of time, my friend. Have you made up your mind?"

He was still reluctant to make the final decision. It was too important. "Can I have until the end of school?" he asked.

Serena regarded him thoughtfully for a moment. "Did you know that Sharon Quinn visited her husband's grave for the first time recently?"

Joseph shook his head. "No." Possibilities swirled through his mind. "Do you think she was letting go, or facing the fact that she never will?"

Serena was silent for an even longer time, and Joseph grew worried. "Please tell me," he said.

Finally, the beautiful head angel spoke. "I truly wish I could, Joseph, but I've been told not to influence your decision. Everything is up to you now."

"But..." he began, "everything hinges on whether she'll ever love me as a man."

Serena looked as though her heart were breaking.

"You know something, don't you?" Joseph asked as an icy fear swept through him.

"My prayers go with you, my friend," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

Joseph found himself back in his apartment, more alone than he'd ever been before.

Chapter Eleven

Sharon practically pushed the boys out the door the next morning, wishing the day over before it had begun. Because her decision was made, she moved as a sleepwalker, her purpose clear, though more painful than she'd dreamed possible.

As she was dressing for the trip to the doctor, the phone rang.

"Hi, it's Joe." He paused a moment, but she was too startled to respond. "I called last night, but you'd already gone to bed. Luke said you were driving to Spokane today, and I wondered if you'd like company."

Sharon froze at his suggestion. If he knew he was offering to accompany her on the quest to destroy his child... She felt sick.

"Thanks, Joe, but it's something I have to take care of alone. Bye." She hung up quickly before he could say another word. Merely the sound of his voice was enough to make her weak with hunger for what might have been.

After the long, sleepless night in which she had agonized over every alternative, Sharon willed her mind to remain blank until it was over.

She couldn't do that if she saw Joe, her baby's father. Her baby...

Sharon already thought of it as a person; how could she go through with her plans? She kept alive the dim hope that the home test was flawed.