A Matter of Heart (51 page)

“What the hell, Chloe? You
think you can just up and disappear on everybody?”

I double over as a spasm
rocks me. “Excuse me for not taking Jonah’s dumping of me well!”

There’s an awful silence
before she hisses, “What?”

I swallow back a surge of
bile. “He broke up with me, Cora.” I flat out begin to sob. “He called off the
wedding.”

“SHUT UP.”

Somebody walking by stares.
I probably would, too. I’m nearly hysterical, stuck in a booth when normal
people use cellphones in private to break down with.

“Chloe!” Cora has to yell to
overcome my sobs. “I just don’t understand. He’s out of his mind, not being
able to find you! Why would he be like that if he dumped you?”

Because he’s a good guy.
Because, even if he’s done with me and all the shit I bring, he’ll probably try
to make things right first.

“Sonofabitch,” she bites
out, and I wince, because Cora is normally not the prolific cusser. But here
she is, cussing up a storm. “He conveniently left
that
part out when
talking to me! Okay, well—screw him! Tell me where you are and I’ll come to
you. Don’t argue. Let me help you through this.”

Maybe
I’m weak, but, contradiction I am, I could really use a shoulder right now to
physically cry on. I finally tell her what she wants to know.

Cora’s been in Kauai for a
little over fifteen minutes when her cell phone rings. She shows me the screen
after she pulls it out. “I can tell him to go to hell.”

I squeeze my knees up
against my chest. “No. Just . . . just tell him I’m fine and not to worry. He
doesn’t have to worry about me anymore.” I choke back a sob. I don’t know if I
can do this. How I can make it through the next minute, let alone my life
without him.

She isn’t polite when she
answers the phone, and for once, I’m glad I can’t hear his voice on the other
side. All I have to go with is Cora’s side of the conversation.

“So, Jonah. Wanna tell me
what you and Chloe were talking about right before she left?” And I want to
laugh, in a sick, sad way, because she’s gesturing and nodding like he can see
her.

There’s a long pause, enough
of one to make my stomach constrict.

“DIDN’T YOU THINK BREAKING
UP WITH HER WOULD MAYBE UPSET HER?”

Must. Find. Toilet. Now.

I lose yesterday’s lunch all
over again the moment I drop to my knees in the bathroom. Cora follows me in
minutes later. She sinks to the floor next to me. “Babe, Jonah is saying he
didn’t break up with you.”

I lean my head against the
cool porcelain. My forehead is clammy, which makes the situation all the more
disgusting. “He . . . he said we had to cancel the wedding. Said it was for the
best.”

She rubs my back. “I’ll be
honest. He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.”

Which is even worse than I
thought. He’s probably so repulsed by me right now that he can’t even pretend
he cares about me with people right now. Just the thought of him hating me
leads to bawling.

Cora leans her head against
my shoulder blades, her hand still gentle at my back. “Why didn’t you tell me
about this ulcer?”

Who cares about the ulcer?
That’s nothing compared to losing someone you love.

But Cora cares, because the
pain in my stomach subsides until grief is the only thing aching in my body.
“You should’ve come to me.” She sighs. “I didn’t tell him where you are. Truth
be told, he’s probably putting a hit out on me as we speak.” She laughs, and it
vibrates through my body, like an alien emotion. “You should talk to him,
though.”

I will. I’ll fight for him,
with everything I have, but I can’t do it at the moment. Despite how I’ve been
acting lately, sometimes, a girl just needs to cry. Preferably not while
hugging a toilet, but beggars can’t be choosers.

“It’s funny,” she muses,
hand warm as it forms smooth circles on my back, “but I’d come to think you
were made of steel nowadays. You always seem so in control.”

What a joke. I am the least
in control person alive.

“It’s like, after the last
argument the two of you had, you suddenly got a lot older than the rest of us.
I mean, you go on all these super important missions. You’re on the Council.
You’re always smiling. You come across to me as somebody on top of the worlds.”

She’s kidding, right? Do I
really hide all of this so well?

“It’s nice to see you’re
Human after all.” She laughs again. “Well, not exactly Human. You know what I
mean.”

I turn away from the toilet
and fall into her arms and cry some more. I tell her I’m weak, that I wish I
could get a handle on my feelings, but sometimes, it’s just too damn hard.

“You’re not weak. Why does
everyone think that girls who cry are weak? That’s the biggest load of bullshit
out there. We need to stop pretending that people who show emotions are weak.
You can kick ass and cry. I’m just saying.”

I
follow her advice. I cry. And cry some more. And when it dries up, I follow her
out to the living room and curl up on the couch, my head in her lap, until I
fall asleep.

If Cora’s cellphone ringing
didn’t wake me up, her arguing with the person on the other line sure does.

“What is it with you two?
Kellan, if I’m not going to talk to Jonah, I sure as hell won’t tell you where
Chloe—”

I yank the phone out of her
hands. “Hello?”

“Chloe?” Kellan sounds
anxious. “What’s going on? Where are you?”

Cora is staring at me like
I’ve lost my head. I have, because my resolve not to pull Kellan into this
crumbled faster than muffin toppings. “With Cora.”

Something on his ends smacks
against the phone. Probably his forehead. “Let me be more specific. Where
exactly are you and Cora at this very moment?”

“It doesn’t mat—”

“It matters to me.”

Even though I know she’s
annoyed at me, Cora strokes my hair softly. “I just wanted you to know that I’m
okay, and that I’m sorry I didn’t call you yesterday.”

“But—”

“I left my purse behind,” I
continue as steadily as I can.

“You could have called me.
Collect. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is what you did with Cora. Or made
yourself a goddamn phone and then called me. Why would you call her when you
know you could’ve come to me?”

I shy away from Cora’s
piercing gaze. “You know why.”

“I don’t care,” he says.

“I do. I won’t do that to
you again.”

“Chloe. Let me come and get
you right now. I’m not sure exactly what happened, because my brother, being
the uninformative dumb-ass he can be, hasn’t given me any indication of what
really went down, but . . . just let me come and get you.”

Repeated attempts at
swallowing doesn’t get rid of the lump in my throat. How do I tell Kellan that
I’m falling apart because his brother just called off our wedding? I can’t do
that to him. I won’t. “No.”

“Then at least tell me where
you are, so I can be sure you’re okay.”

“Cora’s here.”

“That doesn’t reassure me in
the slightest. Please. Tell me.”

“Is he there, with you?”

“No, although I expect him
in a few minutes. Tell me, C.”

Against my better judgment,
I admit, “Hawaii.”

“Are you at the house?”

“Yeah,” I whisper.

There’s a whoosh of relief.
“Okay, well, at least I know you’re somewhere safe.” And then, after a pause,
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“Wait,” I say, startled, but
the dial tone tells me he’s already gone.

“Are you nuts?” Cora
demands, snatching the phone out of my hand. “Did you not learn anything in the
last Jonah-Chloe Misunderstanding? Rule number two!
Thou shall not run to
Kellan
. Right behind:
Thou shall talk to one another immediately to
clear up any misunderstandings before Chloe can run to Kellan
.”

“You have no idea what
you’re talking about.” I leap off the couch. “I’m so sick of you always judging
him! What is your problem?”

“He’s not your Connection,
Chloe,” Cora yells, standing up, too.

I want to tear my hair out.
“The hell he isn’t!”

Her eyes are wide as
saucers. “What?”

I am mortified for allowing
myself to lose control like this in front of Cora.

“Did you just say that he’s
your Connection?”

“I can’t deal with this
right now.” My stomach churns; I race to the bathroom.

Cora is nothing if not
pugnacious. She barges through the door and stands over me, arms crossed.

“Go away,” I say tiredly,
once more leaning my head against the toilet seat. I really need to find a
better place to argue. This is truly disgusting.

“No.” I can practically hear
her teeth grinding together.

I reach up and flush the
toilet.

“You’ve been keeping
secrets.”

I sigh, but I don’t fight it
anymore. I’m too tired to find lies, half-truths, or ways to conceal the facts.
“It’s just as I said. I’m Connected to him.”

“But . . . Jonah . . .?”

“Yeah. Him, too.”

She’s silent for a moment.
“No one has two Connections. Well, except them, because they’re twins and all.”

Bitter laughter bubbles
through my lips. “Thus, my problem.”

“Holy shit. That’s . . .
wow. I don’t even know how to take that.”

“Join the club.”

“This is why you had an
ulcer.” She motions to me, still resting against the toilet.

I’m glad she doesn’t need
more info. “Yes.”

“This is why things have
been tense between J and Kel for years now.”

I nod.

She slides down next to me.
“They obviously know about it.”

Another nod.

A
super long pause. And then—“That blows.”

When Kellan arrives, he and
Cora barely acknowledge one another, but it’s interesting, because the light in
Cora’s eyes towards Kellan is different now.

Less hostile. Less
judgmental.

He joins me on the couch
wordlessly, sliding his arm around me. I shift closer and turn into him,
allowing myself to go blind in his comfort.

Cora mumbles something about
wanting to put her feet in the water, and the next thing I hear is the screen
door slamming shut behind her.

“He didn’t call off the
wedding,” is the first thing Kellan says to me.

I wonder how hard it is for
him to tell me something like that.

His fingers weave through my
hair. “Or break up with you. He was trying to tell you that the Guard has
requested his presence as Council liaison on a crucial Elders mission which
just so happens to fall on the same date as . . . you know. He was . . .”
Kellan blows out a breath. “Upset, and when he’s upset, he sometimes isn’t the
most eloquent guy out there. I thought you’d know that by now.”

I’m surprised Jonah can even
breathe, I’ve put him on such a high pedestal—but he’s always been the
in-control one in our messy trio. I’ve never seen him upset enough to be
anything other than concise with his thoughts.

But Kellan wouldn’t lie to
me. Sweet, sweet relief fills me up, which only serves to make me feel all the
guiltier, because I’m being comforted by the person I’ve considered leaving
Jonah for countless times.

I am truly a screwed up
girl.

Kellan shifts under me.
“He’s freaking out right now. Ready to kill me for coming here and not letting
him come, too.”

And yet, I’m glad Kellan
came. I chew on my lip for a moment and then tell him, because he’s my secret
keeper, the truth. “I’m really tired of all of this.”

His heartbeat is steady
against my ear.

“The overreactions. The
feeling like I’m going to die or lose myself every time something happens
between any of us.” I twist my fingers in his shirt. “Do you ever feel like
that? Like sometimes, you wish there were no such things as Connections? That
you could pick and choose whom to love, and when, and how?”

His answer is, “Every single
day.”

And I know he doesn’t take
it the wrong way, that he knows I’m not saying I wished I didn’t love him, or
Jonah. But that it’d be nice to have a say in my life.

Nons have it so good and
they don’t even know it.

“Do you think it ever gets
easier?”

Kellan’s thoughtful for a
long moment. “Honestly?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

Going back to Annar is a
relatively simple process considering how I left. I’d fled to Hawaii, sure I
was going to split apart. As I head back, I realize that there was no
splitting, but rather, yet another round of cracking. I feel like one of those
antique vases, where the glaze is riddled with cracks, and it’s barely held
together but somehow manages to still be functional.