A Matter of Heart (59 page)

Of
course, this is fanciful thinking. I don’t know if I actually have the strength
to leave in the first place.

Callie wants to go shopping.
She’s got a whole day for us planned: shopping, lunch, more shopping, late
afternoon tea, and then a mani-pedi from a Faerie shop she swears by.

I don’t have the heart to
say no. I really want to curl up in bed and wallow in pity, but I’m a good
soldier. I put on a brave face and a big smile and go out even though my heart
is slowly dying inside.

“I hear you’re dating,” I
say at lunch.

She snorts. “If you can call
it that.” She’s quiet for a moment. “He’s the complete opposite of Jonah in so
many physical ways, which is probably why I’m doing this.”

“Does that help?” I ask,
truly curious.

“I think so. There’s no
squinting my eyes and thinking it’s Jonah, you know?”

I pick at my napkin.

“Chloe, if I’m running my
mouth again, feel free to tell me to shut the hell up.”

“No, it’s okay,” I assure
her. Better to focus on her pain than mine, as awful of a friend that makes me.

She tears a fry in half. “After
I met you, I realized that part of why Jonah probably dated me is because our
eye color is so similar.”

Okay. This surprises me.

She laughs under her breath.
“He was with me because he was looking for parts of you. Did you really never
notice?”

I’m so not willing to step
on that landmine. Clearing my throat, I ask, “Does this guy know about . . .?”
I wave a hand around us.

She takes my subject change
in stride. “No. I haven’t figured out how to tell him about my biological
parents, or what Astrid and I are.” She sighs. “Or about Annar, or anything
else. I hate the secrets, hate keeping things from him, but what can I do?”

I lean forward. “What does
your heart tell you?”

“It tells me that love is
difficult,” she admits. “And that it’s never guaranteed or safe and that
sometimes, we must take risks.”

“So you’re going to tell
him?”

“I don’t know yet,” she says
quietly. “I haven’t decided yet if he’s worth the risk. And, you know, it’s not
like I’m remotely in love with him.” She shakes her head. “You’re lucky, you
know. Because for you, love is guaranteed.”

I
nod, but I can’t help but add, only to myself, it doesn’t lessen my risks any.

“Do you mind?”

“Of course not.” Callie
slides a hanger back on the rack.

It’s stupid, but I forgot my
phone back at the apartment. And, even though he’s not talking to me much, I
want to make sure Jonah has a way to get ahold of me if he needs to.

“Do you want me to go with
you?” she asks.

I shake my head. “It’ll take
me half an hour at the most. I’ll be back well before you’ve finished trying on
the twenty outfits hanging in your dressing room.”

She can’t argue with me. She
knows I’m right.

I leave the store and hurry
home. But as I unlock my door, angry voices nearby nearly bowl me over.

Extremely angry voices.

I quietly shut the door
behind me and listen, trying to determine where the voices are coming from.

Jonah and Kellan are arguing
in Jonah’s apartment.

Actually, arguing is a very
mild word for what they’re doing. They’re full on shouting at each other,
saying the most horrible, shocking things, and not in their way. They’re
fighting in full sentences with accusations, names . . . things that these two
should never say to one another. Things I never thought them capable of saying
to one another. I am so stunned I find I cannot move. I doubt they have no idea
that I’m here; I’m still far enough away that our pulls aren’t immediately
noticeable. And if I want to listen, I’ve got to stay where I am.

Because they’re arguing
about me.

I cannot believe the things
that are being said. It’s awful. Their words are like poison, drifting through
the apartments and hitting me, making me so nauseated that it’s only due to the
strongest willpower that I don’t throw up everywhere in my entryway. These two
brothers, twins—they’re best friends and yet, from the way they’re acting with
one another, you’d never know that.

It sounds like they hate
each other.

Just how often do they do
this? Is this what it’s like nowadays, when they talk to each other their way,
if they even do anymore? Is this why they so rarely see each other anymore?

Responsibility weighs down
on me, heavier than ever. It’s crushing. Suffocating.

I listen to them for a good
ten minutes, which just so happen to be the longest ten minutes of my life. And
then, a door slams, and Kellan’s gone. I remain immobilized until Jonah slams
the same door two minutes later.

I am alone in the
apartments.

They never knew I was here.

Callie’s words from just an
hour and a half before resonate within. Sometimes love requires risk.

I love them.

I love them both.

And now I need to love them
enough to let them go. It’s the only chance they have.

I stand in the middle of my
bedroom, looking around at my things. They’re just things, collected over a
lifetime. Some have meaning, some don’t.

I’m going to leave it all.
It’s the only way this’ll work. I’m not even going to take my purse, keys, or
phone. I’m not going to take anything
.
Because I know I have to leave
and if I take anything with me, I’ll break under the pressure of meaning and
sentimentality.

This is my choice. I’m
choosing to leave. Screw Fate. I’m no longer going to let some intangible
entity dictate whether or not I keep hurting the people I love and myself in
the process.

I am in control of my
destiny. Me. No one, nothing else.

My mind switches my body
over to autopilot.

I slide the most precious
possession I have off my ring finger and put it in a secret compartment of my
jewelry box. My heart cracks and breaks, but it has to be this way.

Everything gets left behind.

I briefly debate leaving a
note, but even this is too painful to contemplate. I’m no good at saying
goodbye. Hell, I couldn’t even truly say goodbye to my parents, even though
they apparently had no difficulty saying it to me. Verbalizing, even with a
note, to Jonah—and Kellan—that I’m leaving? I just . . . I can’t.

I know that makes me a
coward. I also know they’ll hate me for it, but it’s a risk I have to take, if
only for my own sanity. Plus, I doubt a note would ever stop either man from
looking for me, especially Jonah. There’d be rationalizations, promises that
things will be different, yet they’d be overlooking the reason for all of
this—that they need to stop worrying so much about me and my feelings and focus
more on their own. It pains me to know they’ll be confused and hurt, but . . .
it’s best this way.

I leave my apartment and
head to the Transit Station. I do not look back. I stand in a corner,
considering the doorways around me. It ought to be easy, because for years, I
daydreamed of escaping. Even just this last week, I toyed with the idea. But
I’d never really had a true reason to go until today.

Thinking about this any
other way than practically will result in me turning around. What are the
things I need to survive?

At the top of the list is
money. Everything takes money. I know if I go to any bank and withdraw money
from my accounts, all of which Jonah is able to access, I’ll be found quickly.
So that’s not an option.

Kellan told me in Hawaii
that each of their houses has a box for emergencies, one that holds essentials
such as money and paperwork. I can fabricate the paperwork, easy. What I cannot
make, no matter how hard I try, is currency. It’s one of those odd quirks to
being a Creator. I can make pretty much anything I want just by thinking about
it except for three things: food, water, and currency. Fate doesn’t want me to
make these things. Nature and hard work have to take care of the first two;
civilizations have to create and maintain the last.

So, even though it’s risky,
I decide to commandeer some of Jonah and Kellan’s money in one of their less
frequently used houses. I hate doing this because it’s theft and I’ve already
stolen enough from the Whitecombs. But I tell myself it’s a means to an end. If
I take the money and run, they’ll have the opportunity to rebuild their
relationship. A little money gone will be nothing if it means they are close
once more.

They deserve better than me.
I’ve only brought about bad things to them. Both have nearly died while
fighting the Elders in an effort to protect me. They are estranged and now
fighting on a daily basis when they actually deem one another fit enough to
speak to.

To show how much I love
them, I must take myself out of the equation. To give them a chance to be happy
in life, they must be without me. To also give
myself
a chance at a life
without guilt coloring every action I make.

I wrack my mind thinking
about which one of their homes is most ignored. Probably the one in Italy.
There is no surfing nearby, and Jonah admitted, himself, that they rarely go
there. I just have to make sure I don’t let myself remember how wonderful it
was there with him. How Rome was my safety. How I never wanted to leave that
city, or him, when we were together there.

Or how much I absolutely,
unequivocally love him.

And that’s the hardest thing
of all. Because even now, even when I’m sure this is the right thing to do, my
heart is collapsing on itself. My lungs are tight and uncomfortable. Every
joint aches; my head pounds. The soul shattering feeling of being separated from
my Connection—
Connections
—is already settling in.

I guess it’s a state of mind
after all. Because I know now that I need to leave; my body is attuning itself
to its new reality and I’m not even out of Annar yet.

I make sure no one is
watching when I leave the Transit Station. I build a shield around myself that
makes it difficult to pick me out in a crowd. Kopano has taught me well. I’ve
got to be careful, because the Guard is very good at what they do. Trackers are
even better. And Jonah and Kellan will be the best. If I’m to keep these people
off my trail, I need to stay off the radar. Spontaneity will be my greatest
ally.

I figure I don’t have much
time. Jonah will discover shortly that I’m gone. It’s not difficult to guess
that the first person he’ll go to is Kellan. They’ll tear apart Annar looking
for me. And when they come up empty handed, they’ll go to the Guard and the
Council and start searching. It’s imperative I make it impossible for them.

It bears consideration that
Jonah and Kellan will search their homes. They’re no dummies. They’ll remember
Hawaii, and they’ll think I’ve done it again. When they come searching, I need
to make sure I’m long gone.

It isn’t hard to find the
hidden box in the apartment, not with the clues Kellan gave me back in Hawaii.
I discover a sliding panel in Jonah’s closet behind several dusty cardboard
boxes. I’m both elated and troubled by the amount of money available, both in
euros and dollars. It’ll more than do for my purposes; travel will be easy
thanks to this windfall.

I craft a passport for a new
girl. Birth certificate. Driver’s license. Credit card, even though it doesn’t
connect to any bank.

Chloe,
Caleb begs, suddenly present,
this is madness. Stop and think about—

Ah. That’s right. I’m
constantly monitored by another Magical, which will not do.

You know I can’t reveal your
presence to anyone!

It doesn’t matter. If this
is going to be successful, I have to cut all ties with Annar.

Oh, for gods’ sakes! I live
in California and haven’t been to Annar in—

Again, it doesn’t matter.
Besides, didn’t you tell me I needed to start making decisions for myself?

Chloe. You’re not possibly
thinking—