A Matter of Sin (21 page)

There was no denying it. The only woman he wanted to be with for the rest of his life was Isabel. No one else would ever do.

“Darling, I worry about you,” his mother whispered. “You seem unhappy.”

He returned his attention to her. She was not going to like what he was about to say. But he had to say it. There was no avoiding it, no matter how much he tried to soften the blow.

“You and Father had a love match, didn’t you?” he asked softly.

His mother shifted, almost as if the topic made her uncomfortable. But then she smiled. “Yes, in fact we did.”

“I was quite embarrassed by that as a boy.” Seth chuckled. “It was so unfashionable of you. Everyone else’s parents maintained a polite distance, but mine still talked and even occasionally shared affection.”

His mother’s discomfort seemed to fade as she spoke of her late husband. She even smiled and looked like herself again. “I had no idea you felt that way.”

Seth shrugged. “I was a child. But as I grew older, I began to realize what a rare and valuable thing that depth of feeling you shared was.”

“Yes.” His mother’s eyes shone with tears, but they didn’t fall. “It was a lovely life we had together.”

He nodded. “I believe your example may be why my search for a bride has been so difficult.”

The flicker of panic in her eyes returned and built to a bright ember. “You put too much pressure on yourself. This is the first Season you have searched and it’s only been a few weeks. Finding love isn’t easy.”

He shook his head. “Oh, no, Mother. I have found love.”

She gripped the armrests of her chair with both hands.

“With whom?” she whispered, though her tone told him she was well aware of the answer to her question.

“Isabel,” he said softly.

It was the first time he had stated that fact out loud, but now that he heard it, in his own voice, he realized how powerful and utterly true it was.

“Who?” his mother repeated, her voice cracking.

He tilted his head, surprised by her continued denial. “You know who,” he said softly. “Lady Avenbury.”

His mother gasped, and the sound was filled with so much pain and despair that Seth hated to hear it. Not only did he not want to hurt his mother, but he wanted her to eventually accept Isabel.

“No—no…you don’t love her. You
can’t
,” she said with a shake of her head.

“And yet, I do. Even when we were young, before she married, I was always drawn to look for her at gatherings. I didn’t understand fully what that attraction meant until she came to the country party. I was filled with such relief when she stepped out of the carriage with her sister. I think I might have fallen in love with her that very moment,” he insisted with all the strength he could convey with his voice.

It was easy to do, for each time he spoke his feelings out loud, he realized how deeply he felt them. They were
right
and
good
and they gave him great joy to finally acknowledge to himself and to the world at large.

“No,” his mother continued to repeat. Her gaze was fixed on him, wide and disappointed and upset. He hated to see her so pained.

“I realize this is distressing to you, but I hope you will come to accept it.” He blinked, for he had just realized what he was about to say. What he was about to do. “You see, I intend to ask for her hand.”

His mother bolted to her feet and backed away. “No! If you insist that she has your heart, then for God’s sake, make her your mistress. Plenty of men in our sphere do so when the women they love aren’t appropriate. They marry well and have a separate life.”

Seth stared at his mother in disbelief. He had expected many reactions from her, none of them positive, but this was beyond reason.

“I would not do that to either Isabel or any other poor woman I married only for her appropriateness, which is really a kind way of saying ability to breed, isn’t it? To do so would be wrong beyond measure.” He shook his head. “I’m shocked you would suggest otherwise.”

His mother’s cheeks brightened with color that he thought was probably a combination of embarrassment and continued upset. She reached for him.

“But your brother, Seth,” she whispered.

He backed away from her. This was her final card to play, and while he realized she truly did feel strongly on this issue, that this was her attempt to cope with her grief…it was still a bitter manipulation.

“My brother is sadly dead,” he said softly. “And that fact grieves me daily. But I refuse to throw away a chance to be truly happy, to fulfill the deepest desire of my heart because of him. My misery would
not
honor his memory.”

“But if she cannot have a child, the line—”

“Will revert to my cousin or his young child. Even you must admit that Edwin is a fine man and I’m certain he will raise an equally fine son. If either of them took the title of Lyndham, it would be an honor to our family. This will not be the end of the world.”

His mother’s jaw set and her anger at his attitude was clear in every line of her face. “Well, thank God I shall be dead by the time that happens, so I shall not be forced to see the title leave your father’s line just because you want to fulfill some romantic notion.”

Seth nodded. His mother was a good woman who was tangled up in her own hopes and disappointments. But he had been living the life she desired for him for a long time. And that was finished now.

“I am truly sorry you are upset,” Seth said with a bow for her. “But if there was one thing I learned from Kenneth’s death, it was that life is fleeting. I would regret not loving with my whole heart when I had the chance to do so. If that is a foolish romantic notion, then so be it.”

“You cannot be swayed from this course of action?” she asked dully.

He shook his head. “No. But I hope you’ll come to accept it one day.”

With that, he gave her another quick bow and exited the parlor. In the foyer, he called for his horse and within moments he was riding away from his mother and her hurt feelings and toward the most important person in his life.

Isabel.

Chapter Twenty-Four

“Be careful, though, dear reader. You just might fall in love.”
—The Ladies Book of Pleasures

Isabel sat in her parlor with her two sisters on each side. Since her outburst the night before, Serena had been kind to the point of ridiculousness, even stirring Isabel’s tea for her. And she had called for Marjorie to join them for luncheon, a rare treat since her sister was still settling into her duties as wife.

Isabel couldn’t be completely certain that Serena had confided the previous night’s happenings to their sister, but the fact that Marjorie kept staring at her like she had grown a second head aroused her suspicions.

She ground her teeth as she continued her sewing. The girls wanted to help her, that she knew more than anything, but their presence and effusive kindness only made her feel like a broken toy one wanted to fix, but it would never be the same.

Worse, she feared that assessment wasn’t far off the mark.

As the silence stretched out forever, there was a light knock on the parlor door.

“Yes?” All three women spoke together as Isabel’s butler entered the room. He drew back in confusion at the unexpected audience he found there and Isabel shook her head. It was time to resolve this once and for all.

“One moment, Randall,” she said to the butler as she turned on her sisters. “Girls, you may think many things of me right now, but
I
am still the lady of this house. I am not so fragile that I cannot handle my duties.”

Her sisters both nodded in unison with twin blushes. With a comforting smile for them, she returned her attention to her confused butler. “Now, Randall, what is it?”

The servant faced her. “My lady, you have a caller.”

“And who is it?”

He handed her a card and Isabel nearly dropped it as she looked at the gold-foiled title printed on the expensive paper. Only she didn’t think of his title when she read it. She only thought of one word:

Seth.

For a brief moment, she wished she hadn’t chastised her sisters so strenuously. It would be far easier to bolt from the room and let them deal with the man she loved, but that wasn’t possible.

Neither was turning him away. Not only would it be abominably rude, but she had a strong suspicion he would only come back until she agreed to see him.

So he would have to be allowed entry. But this would be the one and only time she indulged him.

Straightening her spine and trying hard not to think of the implications of this being the last time she might ever see him alone, she managed a cool nod.

“Show the gentleman in, Randall. We are at home.”

The servant bowed his way out and Isabel forced herself to return to her sewing, ignoring the questioning glances of her sisters as she listened to Randall speak in the distance and heard Seth’s familiar voice answer. The sound made her heart skip traitorously.

Then the door opened again and the butler announced, “Lord Lyndham, my lady.”

As both her sisters gasped in unison, Isabel carefully set her sewing aside and got to her feet. She smoothed her skirts as Seth stepped into the room and stood in the entryway.

His gaze found her first and held there. She couldn’t help but gape back. Her love for him swelled, even as she tamped it down with all her might. The last thing she wanted to do was reveal it or, God forbid, surrender to it like she nearly had the night before.

“Good afternoon, my lord,” she said and her voice cracked on the last syllable. She blushed at that subtle revelation of her upset, but managed to keep her gaze even on his. “I’m sure you remember my sister Serena. And this is our other sister, Marjorie. She is Mrs. Cunningham now.”

Seth turned his gaze to the other two girls and the warmth and emotion on his face faded as he smiled politely.

“Ladies,” he said with a bow.

Serena got to her feet and Isabel held her breath. After last night, she had no idea what her sister would do in response to seeing Seth.

“Good afternoon, my lord,” she finally said with great politeness. “My sister and I were just about to step out, I hope you will forgive our rudeness.”

As she spoke, Serena reached behind her and caught Marjorie’s hand, dragging her to her feet and sending her sewing clattering to the ground.

Isabel shut her eyes. Subtle, Serena was not.

“Before I go, though,” her sister continued, and now Isabel’s eyes flew open. She prayed there would be nothing terrible to come. “I would like to apologize for my outburst at the ball last night. It was far from appropriate and I hope you can forgive me.”

Seth smiled. “Only if
you
forgive
me
.”

Serena nodded. “Of course.”

“Then all is both forgiven and forgotten. Good day, ladies.”

Isabel exhaled her breath. That wasn’t so very terrible. Until, of course, Serena began to close the door. Then, from the hall, she heard Marjorie whisper, “Is that him? He is terribly handsome!”

In reply Serena said, “I never would have thought of it from Isabel, but—”

Their voices mercifully ceased as the door closed.

Isabel covered her face with her hands briefly. When she dared lower them, she found Seth looking at her with a crooked smile.

“I apologize for my sisters’ most interesting exit,” she said with a sigh. “After we parted, there was a bit of an incident last night.”

He clenched his fists at his sides. “You mean beyond Serena catching us in the midst of—”

Isabel stepped away and raised her hands to stop him. “Yes. Apparently they are quite shocked by me.”

“But it seems Serena has forgiven you for what she saw,” Seth said, and she could hear the relief in his voice. She appreciated it and loved him all the more for his concern.

But no. Those were the thoughts she had to banish.

Isabel motioned to the chairs near the fire. Seth waited for her to take one and then took the place closest to her.

“Yes,” Isabel said. “Serena is a good girl, as silly as she can be in her youth and verve.”

Seth smiled. “I’m very glad you were able to resolve the problem with her. I wouldn’t want to cause you or your family grief. No more than I already have with my abominable actions.”

So last night had been an eye-opening experience for him as well. He now regretted what they had shared.

She supposed she should be happy for that, since it likely meant he would follow her instructions to leave her be. Instead, she felt sick inside.

“I-I would say that both of us knew exactly our role when we entered our affair,” she said softly. “No one was abominable.”

He shook his head. “Oh no, I wasn’t referring to
those
actions. I have no regrets for what we shared at my estate. And though I’m sorry your sister encountered us, I refuse to regret that I kissed you last night either.”

She blinked. “Then I don’t understand.”

He smiled, and it was so open and filled with hope that Isabel could have cried.

“I am apologizing for not making you an offer of my hand
before
I bedded you. Or when you tried to end our affair. Or when I saw you in the moonlight last night. To wait so long, to hesitate at all before declaring my heart and offering it to you,
that
is what I consider an abomination.”

Isabel was dreaming. That was all there was to this. Certainly Seth couldn’t really be sitting here in front of her, offering himself as if there was a real future for them.

“I love you Isabel,” he whispered.

Now she was
certain
it was a dream, and she surreptitiously pinched herself. But she didn’t wake up, nor did Seth vanish before her eyes like a mirage brought on by exhaustion and high emotion.

“No,” she murmured, trying to ground herself in reality rather than be swept away by hopes and dreams. “It would damage you too much to love me.”

“What will hurt me is if I lose you,” he said as he reached for her hand. She allowed him to take it and shivered when the warmth of his flesh met hers. “Isabel, I want to marry you.”

A thrill rushed through Isabel that was so powerful, she nearly stopped breathing. She loved this man, and his declaration of the same feelings, his offer of a future…those were temptations.

But following the thrill was a great sadness that filled her eyes with tears and made her get to her feet and put the distance between them that she so desperately required.

“You know what you’re saying isn’t possible,” she whispered. “You have responsibilities, you have a duty to have children, and I have not and possibly
cannot
provide those to you. Please don’t offer me this when we know it cannot be.”

She spun away to go to the door, to run before she foolishly took his offer. But as she turned the knob to escape, the door wouldn’t budge. She pressed against it, then rattled the handle and pushed again, but to no avail.

“Isabel?” Seth said and she turned to find him on his feet. He was temporarily as distracted by this odd turn of events as she was. “What is it?”

“The door is stuck,” she explained and then banged on it. “Randall! Randall!”

For a moment there was no answer. Finally Serena’s voice responded. “Randall is not here, Isabel. Marjorie and I are.”

“Well, the door is stuck,” Isabel snapped, peevish because all she wanted to do was escape before Seth convinced her of things she could not have.

“Oh, no,” Marjorie offered helpfully. “It isn’t stuck—it is locked. And we have the key.”

“What?”
Isabel cried in shock. “What do you mean you have the key?”

“The door is locked by us, and no amount of pounding will tempt me to open it,” Serena explained. “So you might as well just hash out your differences with Lord Lyndham. I shall not open the door until you do.”

Isabel pounded on the door harder. “Serena!”

“No.” Her sister had that tone she sometimes took. The spoilt one that would not be budged for any price.

Isabel spun on Seth with wide eyes. “My sisters have lost their minds.”

He smiled that half smile that had always been her undoing, since the first moment he’d flashed it toward her at his estate.

“I think your sisters are brilliant.” He raised his voice. “And when we are married, we shall dedicate ourselves to finding Serena the most perfect man for her husband.”

Outside, Isabel heard Serena and Marjorie giggle and then Serena’s voice saying, “Thank you! Now we’ll go and leave you to your…discussions.”

After she glared at Seth for encouraging this foolishness, she smacked the door again. “Don’t go anywhere. Let us out!”

But this time only silence greeted them. Isabel rested her head against the cool barrier. She silently counted to ten in her head in the hopes it would keep her from ripping the door from its hinges and then turned toward Seth. He was grinning at her, apparently completely pleased by this unexpected incident.

“Did you put them up to this?” she asked. “Because you don’t seem at all appalled by this appalling turn of events.”

He grinned and it was maddening and so very attractive all at once. “I would love to take credit for this stroke of genius, but I fear your sisters have concocted this plan all on their own. And I don’t find it appalling—I find it perfect.”

Isabel shook her head. Of course the concept of being trapped in this room alone with Seth was temptation embodied, but she realized, even if he refused to, that it couldn’t end well.

“We
cannot
be together, no matter how much you wish to pretend away that fact,” she insisted as she slapped the door a final time with her palm and paced across the room to look outside. They were too high up to jump, even.

“There is no pretending,” Seth said as he joined her at the window. “And it is too high up to jump.”

Isabel snapped her gaze to him. “I-I wasn’t considering it.”

“Yes, you were. I could see it in your eyes.” Seth chuckled. “Don’t you see, we are bound by our souls. I
know
you, just as you know me.”

Isabel turned toward him. She could feel his heat and smell the masculine fragrance of his skin. All of it drove her mad.

“Don’t
you
see?” she whispered as she lifted her hand to stroke his cheek. His eyes fluttered shut when she touched him. “You are offering me a dream, but I can’t take it. Not when it would ruin your chance to carry on your family name. I couldn’t live with myself if I destroyed you in that way.”

He lifted his hand and covered hers. “What is the point of carrying on something if one is miserable? And that is what I am without you, Isabel. For the past week I have been in complete disarray. I can’t think or sleep or eat for images of you tormenting me. I have realized that if you aren’t the woman for me, no one else could be.”

“You don’t mean that.” She tugged halfheartedly on her hand, but he held fast.

“I mean it with all my heart. I already know that if you deny me, I will
never
marry. It would be unfair to me and unfair to whatever woman called herself my wife.”

Isabel sucked in her breath. That was a dire threat indeed. It was a guarantee that his brother’s title would go to another part of the line.

“I mean it,” he said, squeezing her hand gently. “And I
will
join in league with your sisters and your friends. I will show up here and everywhere else you are, demanding that you take my hand. If you still refuse, I shall start proposing to you in public.”

He smiled and Isabel couldn’t help but laugh at his crooked grin and the humor to his tone. But when he cupped her cheeks and pressed a brief but heated kiss to her lips, she stopped laughing.

“You are made for me, and I won’t rest until you accept that and me,” he whispered as he released her and took a step away.

She stared at him. The walls she had built were beginning to crumble. What he offered was so wonderfully seductive. So perfect and good. She could picture their life together in a year or five years or ten and all those images were wonderful…except in one aspect. None of her imaginings included a child, the one thing she had given up hope on.