A Measure of Mercy (15 page)

No it’s not. He’s not responding at all.
Tears streaming down her cheeks, Astrid did as she was told. Swish and breathe. One puff, two.
Please, baby, breathe.

But he didn’t.

She held the little body to her chest, wishing she could fill him with her breath. Her tears dripped on his still face.

“Can I hold him?” Anna weakly raised her arms, her voice broken.

Astrid laid the little body on his mother’s chest. “I’m so sorry.”

Solem sniffed, his tears dropping down onto his wife’s head. He laid his hand on the baby, his other arm clutching Anna. “He’s so perfect. He can’t be dead.”

“Here, Astrid, keep packing and massaging while I go for some medications,” Elizabeth ordered.

“You want me to get them?”

“No, I better.”

Astrid took over while Thelma cleaned up the room, dumping the pail of soaked pads and bringing another stack of clean ones from the cupboard.
It’s all my fault. I should have known. If I’ d done the
internal exam, I would have known. Why, dear God, why did that baby
have to die because of me?

Elizabeth came back in the room and held a cup to Anna’s mouth. “Drink this. I know it tastes terrible, but I had to hurry.”

Anna gagged but got the liquid down.

“Good, now you rest while we get this bleeding stopped. I think it is abating already.” Elizabeth put the cup beside the bed. “Mr. Brunderson, I think you can move now if you want to.”

“I’m fine. I help Anna. . . .” Solem’s eyes moistened, but no tears fell.

Anna leaned against her husband, and together they held their baby.

He looked up at Dr. Elizabeth. “We should not have come. That awful voyage killed our baby.”

“No, this could have happened anywhere. We don’t know why, but it just happens sometimes. You can’t blame yourselves or the circumstances.” She looked directly at Astrid. “This is no one’s fault. You could not have done anything differently to keep it from happening. I hesitate to say this, but we do know this baby has gone back to his heavenly home. You will see him again when you get there.”

“If we get there.” Solem shook his head. “You can’t be certain of that, you know. You just do your best and hope.”

Could that be true?
Astrid paused, wanting to say something but unsure. What if Pastor Solberg was wrong? But what about the Bible verses she had memorized all these years?
For God so loved the world,
that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should
not perish, but have everlasting life.
Others ran through her mind. The Bible never lied. God’s Word was truth. She’d said that at confirmation. “Is Pastor Solberg here?”

“Yes, I saw him in the hall.”

“Good.” Astrid stepped out the door. Sure enough, there he sat, his eyes closed but his lips moving. He wasn’t sleeping.

“Pastor Solberg?” she called softly.

He heard her and hurried to her.

The tears spurted again. “We . . . I . . . The baby died.”

Pastor Solberg gathered her in his arms and held her, his soft murmurs sounding much like her mother.

“Please.” She stepped back. “They need you.”

He nodded and entered the room.

It was all she could do to follow him through that door. All she wanted to do was run away, far away from the smell of blood and a silent baby held by two sobbing parents. She found the anger she had brought under control raging upward again.

THAT EVENING, WITH Anna sleeping in her room and Freda fighting against the fever in the room next to that, Astrid and Elizabeth sat out on the back porch, letting the evening breeze dry the perspiration that soaked their clothing and drained their spirits.

Once Elizabeth determined that there was no contagion, they sent the two brothers and Thor with Haakan. Signe was at last calm and asleep on a cot near Freda. She still had some fever but not as high as her grandmother’s. They all sighed with relief when Elizabeth determined the blood Ingeborg saw came from a cut in Signe’s inner lip and not from the chest.

“Astrid, there was nothing else you could have done.”

“I didn’t do an internal exam.”
I put my hands in Vernon’s body,
and he died. Now I couldn’t touch Anna, and her baby died.

“You would have felt the head and known that the baby was in the proper position for birth. He wasn’t breech. You wouldn’t have found this.”

Astrid heard the words Elizabeth spoke, but the ones in her head screamed louder and drowned out all reason.

The crickets picked up their evening melody, joined by the whine of mosquitoes. A dog barked off in the distance, probably singing at the haunting whistle of a freight train heading north and then west.

“Discuss this with your teachers at the hospital. They’ll have better answers than I do.”

Astrid heaved a sigh. “I think my going to Chicago would be a waste of money.”

“You let me decide that. After all, it is my money,” Elizabeth snapped and then sighed. “We are all very tired. I truly understand what you are going through, both with medicine and your faith.”

Astrid leaned forward to argue but then dropped her hands.

Elizabeth continued. “It’s always harder near the time of decision, but think about this. How can more training
not
help? It makes us better equipped to win more often. It’s only for six months, September through February. Take this opportunity, and if you are still struggling afterwards we’ll talk then.”

Too tired to argue, Astrid changed the subject. “Do you want first watch, or do you want me to take it?”

“Ingeborg said she’d stay until midnight. Then she’ll come and wake you. I’ll take the three o’clock.”

“She’s not going to die, is she?”

Elizabeth snorted. “Only God knows that, but I don’t think so. For a while I was afraid of cholera, but I talked with young Mr. Brunderson, and he said there was no mention of cholera on the ship, or they would not have been allowed to dock. Typhoid would have been handled the same.”

“Pneumonia?”

“Probably the results of dysentery of some type. The way the shipping companies treat their passengers in steerage is beyond reprehensible. Crammed together like they are, it’s a miracle more people don’t die in passage. Did your mother ever tell you about her voyage?”

Astrid shook her head and brushed away a blood-thirsty mosquito. If the breeze were a little stronger, it would drive the pests away. “I’ll ask her sometime. She doesn’t like to talk much about the hard times, you know. Just that God lived up to His word and brought them through.”

“Thorliff has shared all his memories with me. Your mor and Tante Kaaren are indomitable women. I don’t think I could have ever lived through all they did and on top of that be such godly women.”

“Mor says we are all becoming that.”

“Well, today was surely one of those dark valleys. But He brought us through.”

“But the baby died.” The words lay between them.

“You have to let it go, you know. This is God’s problem, not yours. No matter how learned we become and how hard we try, life and death are always His province. You do your best and leave the outcome in His hands. Your mother taught me that. She says God taught her.”

Astrid pushed herself to her feet. “I’m going to bed. Can I get you anything?”

“No, thank you. Good night. Make sure you come wake me at three.”

“Of course.”

“If the crisis comes earlier, ring the bell.”

Which crisis?
Astrid wondered as she climbed the stairs.
The
patients’ battle or mine?
And she couldn’t ask Mor—not now. She hadn’t seen that look on her mother’s face since they lost all the stock. As she tumbled across the bed, Elizabeth’s question ticked in her mind like the downstairs clock. Was it the medical training she didn’t want to go toward or the flashing dark eyes she didn’t want to say good-bye to again?

12

M
ID
- A
UGUST
1903
C
HICAGO
, I
LLINOIS

T
he clacking train wheels hauled her closer and closer to Chicago.

“Supper is being served in the dining car.” The conductor paused beside her. “You are Dr. Bjorklund, are you not?”

Yes . . . no? What?
“I am Miss Bjorklund, ja, er yes.” Elizabeth had warned her that to those outside of Blessing, she was not yet a doctor. Her certificate would come from Dr. Morganstein on the completion of her studies in Chicago. If she managed to complete her studies there, that is. Every day since Vernon Baxter died, she’d questioned whether becoming a doctor was the purpose of her life.

And then Anna’s baby died too.

“I have heard good things about you. The folks of Blessing are indeed fortunate to have two capable doctors in such a small town. Farther west doctors are few and far between.”

Please, not another mission field.
The day before she left, she’d received a letter from Reverend Ted Schuman in Africa. He’d managed to include another plea for her to listen to God’s calling, and if He wanted her in Africa, there was need of her services. The stories he told. The thought of all the travel needed to get to his mission was scary enough, let alone the horrors of the medical needs there. She stared out the window to see shallow rolling hills planted in wheat or miles of tall green corn. For one used to pancake-flat land, this was some different. As were all the towns. Grain elevators dotted the land crisscrossed by railroad tracks and roads. Tall oak and elm trees shaded houses, while every barn had a silo to store the chopped corn.

The closer they drew to Chicago, the tighter grew her dread. She should have stayed home where she belonged. While Elizabeth had planned to come with her, she had two babies due any day, and one of the mothers was ensconced at the surgery to keep her off her feet. And since Mor was still nursing Freda and Anna, they decided that Elizabeth was needed more at Blessing. Which left Astrid with far too much time to think.

Astrid tried studying one of her textbooks—anything to keep away the dark monster that seemed to have taken up residence just on the periphery of her vision. She was sure that if she turned her head quickly enough, she would see it and would be devoured by its slathering jaws. She’d never known such fear and doubt, and the worst part was she’d not been able to tell anyone about it.

The black dots on the page danced before her eyes, making her feel nauseated.

She thought back on the going-away party her friends had organized to give her a happy send-off.

“After all,” Sophie reminded her, “you’ll only be gone a few months, and you’ll be so busy the time will fly by.” She dropped her voice to a whisper. “And I’ll make sure that no one tries flirting with Mr. Landsverk.”

Joshua Landsverk, the first man Astrid had hoped would be more than just a friend. After all, she had plenty of male friends, but this one was different. This time her heart picked up speed every time she saw him, and now she understood why Ellie had never considered anyone but Andrew and was willing to wait for him for years if necessary.

Surely the look in Joshua’s eyes when he smiled at her meant he felt the same way. The girls teased her about him, and even Thorliff mentioned what a good, dependable man he was.

She’d tried to insist she should stay and help Mor, but she said Freda only needed time to get strong again and Anna the same. Rest, North Dakota sunshine, and good food were all they needed to give God time to work the healing Mor was sure was happening.

For the first time in her life, Astrid didn’t feel she could talk out her turmoil with her mother. How would she understand that God refused to hear Astrid’s prayers? And so she had given up praying. He had let two of her patients die when she’d been fighting to save them. A young man with his adult life right in front of him and a baby who never had a chance at life at all.

“Next stop, Chicago. Everyone will be disembarking there. About fifteen minutes to Chicago.” The conductor stopped to answer a question from the people several seats ahead of her. Outside the dirty window were houses right next to each other. As the train drew closer to the station, the buildings rose taller, some for housing, some factories. Brick walls blackened by years of soot, iron steps down the outside of some of the buildings, wash hanging on lines strung between buildings. Did people actually live in these filthy places?

How will I bear this? Six months. Surely I can put up with anything
for six months. I will be so busy at the hospital, I won’t have time to be
homesick. That’s what Elizabeth promised. Maybe I’ d be better off in
Africa.
But that would mean saying good-bye to Joshua forever. It was hard enough this time. He had smiled and said he would be there when she returned. Nothing more. No pledges. But he seemed to care, or was that just hopeful feelings on her part? She clasped her hands against her roiling stomach as the train screeched to a stop at a huge station. When she stepped off the train, the smells of coal smoke, engine grease, and hot metal assaulted her nostrils. Walking with the other passengers down the long wooden platform, she kept her eyes on the person in front of her. Surely evil hid in the dark spaces above them capped by a roof.