A Mended Man (The Men of Halfway House Book 4) (24 page)

Aidan pushed his head back into the pillow, slinging his arm over his face, covering his eyes. "I'm going to fuck this up." He paused and took a deep breath, puffing his cheeks out with an equally heavy exhale. "You ground me, Jess, and…I really need that." He quieted for a moment, trying to control the surge of emotions threatening to surface. "I know what it's like not having you around and I can't risk going there again."

"Well, here's the thing." Jessie ran his fingers along Aidan's stubble. "I feel as if I'm already losing you. And that's killing me."

Aidan took comfort in knowing his eyes were hidden with his forearm, not really sure what to say. The chirping of the alarm forced Aidan to sit up. He reached for the phone and stopped the repetitive chime, tossing the phone back on the table. Shit, he needed coffee. It was too rough of a night and too early in the morning for deep conversation without enough caffeine to erect his protective shield. He scrubbed his face with his hand then ran his fingers through his hair.

"You're like a dam, Aidan."

Okay, yeah, he definitely needed some coffee.
Pronto
.

"You're too busy guarding and protecting everything around you and you don't take the time to see you're slowly wearing away. You barely get through the day, guarding that water from hitting the town you love."

That's one way of putting it
, he thought with a frown. Even he could understand that through his caffeine-deprived mind. "What's wrong with that?"

Jessie shook his head. "You don't realize…you're not guarding a stream, you're trying to hold back every body of water on the planet…at once. No one can do that on their own. But you're too stubborn to see that. You're so busy taking care of everyone else, who's going to take care of you? You're going to crack and I won't stand idly by and let that happen."

No one's ever wanted to take care of me.
Aidan looked over to his reflection in the dark television screen and inwardly cringed at the visual train wreck. He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged his T-shirt to straighten it out. He didn't have the energy to fight Jessie when the man was this wound up and tenacious about something. "You don't give up, do you?"

"Not when it comes to you. No."

"Jess, I'm not easy. I have more baggage than the underbelly of a cargo plane."

"Then I'll set my bags right next to yours."

He shook his head. No one had ever been this relentless to be with his miserable ass.

"I've got one last question for you," Jessie said.

Aidan turned his head slightly toward him but refused to make eye contact.

"Do you…" Jessie hesitated and rubbed his hands on his thighs again, revealing a hint of that introverted, vulnerable side others usually saw when they looked at him. "Do you
want
to be with me?"

Point-blank. That was the million-dollar question that determined how this conversation would end. Even if he did have enough energy to erect his shield, he couldn't lie to Jessie. He exhaled heavily. "More than anything."

"Then that settles it."

"Jess…it's not that easy."

"Don't make it harder."

Aidan sighed. "I'm not used to this," he said, gesturing between them with his hand.

"Talking or having a relationship?"

"Either. Both. Fuck if I know."

"Okay. Well, you've never had a problem talking to me before, so we'll work up to the big stuff. One detail a week. I'm not going to stress you out with a one-a-day quota. One detail we wouldn't share with anyone else."

One a week
. Aidan forcefully rubbed his hands together. He could handle that. Maybe. Sorta.

"And as far as the whole relationship thing, I'm not an expert. But, we kinda already have something. Don't you think?" Jessie looked over to him with a hint of a smile playing in his expression, cocking his head.

He definitely wasn't an expert in relationships, but if Jessie thought this defined a relationship, then maybe he could totally handle this.

Jessie bumped his shoulder. "We're just missing out on all the fun stuff."

Aidan groaned. It drove him nuts when Jessie teased him.

"I'm not saying it'll be easy. I know…" Jessie hesitated and rubbed his thighs again. "I know we're both very different from each other and from what other people usually see when they look at us. But…I see
you
, not the guy you want everyone else to see. And you're worth it, Aidan. It bothers me that you don't recognize how amazing you are, but I'm willing to give this a shot. I just…I hope you think the same of me." He quieted for a few moments then subtly nodded, concluding some internal conversation. "You work at things so you can appreciate the success at the end."

Aidan shook his head and scoffed. Jessie and his inspirational poster lines…too fucking cute to deny. His ability to take a mountain and turn it into a few pellets of dust always amazed Aidan. Jessie was bossier than people could imagine and far more of a control freak than anyone suspected.

"Jess."

"Yeah?"

"You're totally worth it."

A hint of a shy smile tugged at the corner of Jessie's mouth. "We'll make it work. Now stop with the guilt trip and give me a hug so you can get ready for work."

Aidan reached out and wrapped his arm around Jessie's waist, tugging him into an embrace. He held him close and rubbed his cheek against the smooth, dark hair. How the hell did Jessie wake up smelling this good and looking so damn polished? Aidan peeked back at the reflection in the television screen, amazed at how different they seemed. But somehow, so damn perfect.

"We'll make this work," Jessie repeated, running his hands up and down Aidan's back.

Aidan leaned into the embrace, closing his eyes and not letting the what-ifs ruin the moment. He wanted this—this closeness, this peace, this ability to surrender to everything else around him with Jessie's nearness. He didn't have a clue how to make this work, but he refused to burst Jessie's bubble or risk another inspirational poster speech. He could take a leap of faith and take things one step at a time.

Baby steps.

Jessie had a plan—he always did. If anyone could make this work, Jessie would make it happen. Aidan pushed his nose into Jessie's hair, reveling in the comforting scent that always calmed him with Jessie's presence. His mouth parted as he breathed Jessie in, enjoying the sensation of the silky strands tickling his lips.

He remembered his solemn vow, to spare others of all his bullshit and to not subject them to the pain that always followed him like a dark dust cloud. A promise he had held sacred for years and swore he'd keep to his dying day. But there, holding Jessie in his arms with his defenses still broken from the night before, he realized this was one promise he could no longer keep.

* * * *

A crumbled ball of paper drew his attention as it bounced off the folder and hit him in the chest. He slowly looked up from the file, hoping his glare captured how peeved he was by Sunny's childish actions.

His partner gave him a lopsided grin. "If you hadn't zoned out, I wouldn't have had to resort to a primitive means of communication."

Aidan grabbed the paper ball and threw it right back at her, popping her in the forehead. "I wasn't zoned out."

"You so were."

He focused on the notes from his phone interview with a case lead. Definitely
not
thinking about waking up that morning with Jessie in his arms.
Nope. Not for a second
.

"You want to grab some lunch? We've got about forty minutes before we need to head out."

"Nah. I'll grab something from the street vendor in a bit. I want to wrap up my notes while it's still fresh in my head."

"'Kay." She grabbed her keys and headed out, finally giving Aidan some much needed space.

About ten minutes later, he finished the last of his notes then fished the business card out of his pocket. He flicked the edge of the card stock, debating if he should pick up the phone. Jessie didn't push, well, at least not directly. He had this slick way of setting up a situation that led to Aidan making the decision. He never really steered Aidan one way or another, but he seemed to lay out the options then he'd sit back and wait.
And he'd
so
fallen for it that morning.
I'm such a sucker.

He had arrived at the kitchen, ready to head out to work, greeted with a fresh cup of coffee and a still-warm, buttered croissant.

"Thanks," he said to Jessie, who sat quietly at the table already working on his laptop.

Sipping his coffee, Aidan stared at the business card clipped with a magnet to the refrigerator.
Dr. Kathryn Engel
.

"Is this the therapist the hospital recommended?"

Jessie shook his head. "The first time I met her, I was a teenager and she was volunteering at some free clinic. I couldn't really talk to the person the hospital recommended, but I needed to talk to someone about what happened so I tracked her down and found she had a private practice. She actually remembered me. She would stop by the hospital to see me or we'd talk on the phone."

"I don't remember meeting her."

Jessie looked over at him with a soft smile. "She'd schedule her visits with me while you were in your Monday morning team meetings or she'd talk to me over the phone for a while."

Aidan nodded and took the last bite of his croissant. He washed it down with the rest of his coffee as he stared at the off-white business card with a few lines of text. "So I guess she didn't make you sit on a couch and shit."

"Nope," Jessie said, popping the "p" with his mouth as he continued to tap away at his laptop. "She's easy to talk to. She's tough if you want her to be and sensitive when needed."

Aidan nodded again. Funny how the card had miraculously appeared on the fridge
that
morning.
Yeah…right
. Jessie's way of dropping a hint without pushing. The card was there; what Aidan chose to do with it was up to him.

"I'm leaving. Let me know if you want me to pick something up for dinner." He rinsed his cup in the sink and grabbed the card before heading out the door. He definitely didn't miss the hidden smile Jessie gave him before he left.

Now, sitting at his desk, he debated picking up the damn phone. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily. He wanted nothing more than to be with Jessie, and after what had happened the night before, he needed help working through his shit. He couldn't take the chance again.

"Fuck it," he muttered, picking up his cell phone and dialing the number from the card. A few minutes later, he'd officially secured his first ever appointment with a shrink. Therapist. Exorcist. Whatever.

Too many unknowns but one screaming certainty…he couldn't do this alone. He'd already tried that and had failed miserably. Even though Jessie said they'd find a way to make it work, he had too much shit that screwed with his head. Maybe this Doc Engel could actually help. Who knew for sure?

But he had to try.

Aidan leaned against the tall window on the twentieth floor of Dr. Kathryn Engel's office, switching his focus between the slow moving clouds in the early evening sky and the traveling ants of people on the street. Almost an hour into the appointment and total talk time could be clocked at about five minutes—assuming there was a rollover term in that calculation. His second visit to the good doctor and he hadn't uttered a word since his arrival.

First visit went about the same. Outside of an introduction and a few random basic questions…
nada
. When he mentioned Jessie had referred him, Dr. Engel lit up with a huge smile and simply said, "He's wonderful." Yeah, she scored major brownie points right away with that one response and motivated his return for a second visit. Maybe he'd have one of those eureka moments and some therapeutic enlightenment would kick him in the ass. He had to make an effort. Even his captain added an
about-fucking-time
when he'd mentioned setting an appointment with a therapist. If he was going to do this, he was going to try to do it right. He refused to do anything half-assed.

Now he just needed to find a way to actually talk about what had happened and the shit-ton of crap that caused this self-imposed barrier between him and everyone else.

He glanced over his shoulder and watched the doctor update a file. She was about five feet tall and wore standard-issue red pumps that propped her up a few more inches. If he had to guess, he figured she could pass for someone in her late-forties, but he knew enough about age progression and traits to know she must have been close to reaching sixty, if not a few years more. The meticulous manicure in a matching red tone and her short, expertly-dyed hair spoke of someone who took the time to welcome the world with polish.

He shifted his focus back to the clouds and the reds and oranges painting the sky. He'd initially tried to come up with an escape plan. He'd even asked the doctor of the ethics of her having sessions with both him and Jessie. She claimed that as long as neither of them had issues with it then she didn't either since she would not speak a word about any of their discussions.