A Naked Singularity: A Novel (99 page)

This would be a major legal victory and something very good that would have happened to you, there’s no denying that. It will be proof that good things can happen to you too, that someone or something is protecting you. That Melvyn and I are truly your friends. Do you understand?

I guess you have to care what happens, even in there, just because no one is allowed to quit, no matter where they are or what happens to them.

When I finish this letter I am going to make a phone call to your facility. Do not be offended but as a result of that phone call you will probably be receiving psychiatric attention and will be watched even more closely. Good news is coming you just have to wait a little longer for it and then it will be hard to remember the bad or if you do remember it the memory will almost make you feel good if that makes any sense. I’m going to arrange for Melvyn and I to come out for another legal visit so be on the lookout for that Jalen. Be good kid.

Your very good friend,

P.S. Why no postscript (P.S.) on your last letter? I look forward to them.

Central Administrative Unit Department Section

Death Row: Holman Unit

3700 Holman

Atmore, Alabama 36503

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

This letter should serve to inform you as the:

mother / father / next of kin / friend / domestic partner / significant other /
of:

/ Ms. / Mrs.
Jalen Kingg


that the aforementioned individual: Has been duly executed according to the bylaws and strictures of the great State of Alabama and of the United States of America of which it is a part / Has had his death sentence altered to one of life imprisonment without the possibility of parole / Has absconded from the facility and is currently at large;

Other: (explain)
Inmate has taken his own life thereby avoiding the judicial justice previously meted out by the People of the State of Alabama
.

Consequently, said inmate’s residency at Holman Prison is considered terminated effective immediately. You have the right to appeal this decision but to do so you must notify the above office within fifteen business days of your intention to do so.

Yours, etc.

William T. Grennan

President and Principal Stockholder

In od We rust

Making me feel like even more of a client was the fact I kept swiveling my head back to eye the faded-black doors to Cymbeline’s courtroom whenever they would part to permit an intruder. I was hoping for Toomberg but every time I looked it was someone else, someone not there to help me. And this was the same day Raul Soldera’s case was on for sentencing so they brought him out crying from behind a walker and he would periodically wipe his tears with his bare palms but then his skeletal wet hands would keep slipping off the handles so that he almost fell several times before finally reaching the defense table. Where he sat down next to me and in front of Cymbeline and I told him to
take it easy
because
it’ll be all right
. Which it sort of was for a change because Cymbeline was soon saying that no updated probation report had been completed meaning Soldera could not yet be sentenced. The case would have to be adjourned.

“To the first of next month,” said Cymbeline. “By which date I assume your office will have assigned Mr. Soldera a different attorney.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well let me place on the record the following. This same attorney who currently represents Mr. Soldera will, immediately following the calendar call in this case, be the subject of an extensive hearing regarding multiple charges of contempt of court. Moreover, this court will not only preside over said hearing but is one of the principal complainants, so to speak, against this attorney. I should add as well, by the way, that Mr. Soldera himself is expected to be a witness in this hearing and it is anticipated that he will provide rather damaging testimony to the effect that this attorney improperly counseled him to attempt the crime of bail jumping.”

As Cymbeline said this Soldera was vigorously shaking his head
no
right next to me as Cymbeline’s law secretary went up to the bench and whispered in her ear.

“Well I’m now informed,” she continued, “that Mr. Soldera has recanted that testimony and therefore will not be called as a witness against this attorney. And I will not now place on the record my personal views about the legitimacy of that recantation but suffice it to say that Mr. Soldera will be dealt with in the appropriate manner at the appropriate time. Notwithstanding this latest development, however, the fact remains that a substantial conflict of interest exists in this situation that can only be remedied by the assignment of a different attorney to Mr. Soldera’s case.”

“Or by this court recusing itself.”

“Excuse me counselor?”

“This court should recuse itself thereby eliminating any potential conflict of interest. And since it’s obvious that you have some type of personal animosity towards me that could unfairly prejudice my client I am making that request at this time.”

“Application denied. I believe the more appropriate remedy is for your office to assign a different attorney.”

“How is interfering with my client’s Sixth Amendment right to counsel preferable to a different judge sentencing my client, which happens all the time in this building?”

“Because I took the plea and I will do the sentencing.”

“You did not take the plea,” I said, and Cymbeline’s law secretary did some more whispering into his boss’s ear.

“Application for this court to recuse itself is denied. Case is adjourned to the first of next month for an updated probation report and sentencing. Put him back in. Now, counsel, are you ready to proceed with the hearing?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m still waiting for my attorney to appear.”

“Is that the only reason?”

“Yes.”

“Good, because he just walked in. I’ll give you a minute and forty-five seconds to consult with him then we’ll get started.”

I turned around, this crazy-looking character with a green bow tie and a silver briefcase was coming into the well and extending his hand toward me. “Devin Quackmire,” he said. “But you can call me Mr. Quackmire, I’m not a big believer in formality.” Now Quackmire looked about fifteen so the chances of me calling him mister were not great. But more importantly who the fuck was this fuck?

“I’ll be representing you at this here proceeding,” he said.

“What are you talking about? Where’s Toomberg?”

“I’m not familiar.”

“Toomberg! Melvyn Toomberg. That’s who’s supposed to represent me today, not you. I’ve never met you before, you look like my paperboy. No offense kid but what kind of lawyer are you? How old are you?”

“Hey I never said I was a lawyer, at least I’m honest right? As far as my age, my understanding is you’re prevented from asking me that under the ADEA”

“What? Read my lips Doogie, where’s Melvyn Toomberg?”

“Oh Marvin Toomberg? The guy who was going to represent you?”

“Melvyn.”

“The guy who was going to represent you?”

“Precisely.”

“Marvin withdrew.”

“What does that mean? Melvyn’s my friend he wouldn’t withdraw.”

“I spoke to him by phone, I think he was in Burma or something. He said to tell you he was sorry but that he couldn’t do it after what happened with The King. Now I’ve never been a big Presley fan myself so I didn’t really pursue it further but that’s what he said, something about letters too. Have you seen him since the letters?”

“Fuck.” I sank into my seat.

“Hey look at that,” Quackmire said. “Above the judge between the two flags. Ha! They got to get that fixed huh? Or maybe they should leave it ha ha! Just kidding, no pun intended.”

“Or created far as I can tell.”

“Okay let’s get started,” said Cymbeline. “Mr. Quackmire, your appearance for the record.” Everybody introduced themselves except me and a line of witnesses sat in the front row. I stood up and interrupted.

“I don’t want this individual to represent me,” I said. “I certainly never agreed to have him serve as my attorney and I understand he’s not even a lawyer. I’ll represent myself is the bottom line.”

“Well I can’t permit that.”

“Why not?”

“Don’t play ignorant. You’re as aware as I am of the rule that the man who represents himself has a fool for a client.”

“Okay that’s a saying not a rule. And so what?”

“That saying has been around a lot longer than you young man and I will abide by it! Are you denying its truth?”

“I’m pointing out that it’s merely a saying and as such represents no binding authority. A saying, like
early bird gets the worm
. No, worse actually, because at least that particular saying calls for a certain result, if you have a worm and you’re deciding who gets it, the saying dictates you give it to the bird that’s earliest. On the other hand, the saying you’re invoking doesn’t even call for any particular result. Where does it say a person
can’t
represent himself?”

“It’s a proverb, a maxim if you will, and as such it certainly may serve as legal precedent. I will therefore uphold that statute as I took an oath to do.”

“Now it’s a statute?”

“Mr. Quackmire, who I have known since he was thirteen—”

“When was that? Last year?”

“—will continue as your representative. And you, counselor, will sit down and be quiet or I will enter a summary adverse finding against you immediately. People?”

“Yes your honor?”

“Call your first witness.”

I sat down as Judge Arronaugh strode to the witness stand. Suddenly Cymbeline ducked her head behind the bench as if she’d just remembered something. When her head popped back up she was wearing one of those exaggerated white-curl wigs that actors are always wearing when they sign the Declaration of Independence or something. And now she had this extreme gavel the size of a tricycle in her hand too. “Don’t worry Casi,” Quackmire leaned over to tell me via the left side of his mouth. “We’re going insanity.”