A New York Romance (16 page)

The weeks went by. Julie went to work numbly, staring at the billboards of plays and movies she wished she starred in. She was irritated with herself for not even going to an audition. She awakened each day, fuddled around her new apartment, listening to her roommate argue with one of her boyfriends, went to work, and came home. She felt time dully passing her by but felt no motivation to do anything to change her situation. She thought of her father, and oh, how she missed him still. But there was no reason to go back to Brookville now. Her father was gone and everyone she knew was married and miserable, stuck in the wheels of trying to be happy full-time with someone they got along with part of the time.

Her favorite parts of the days were walking back and forth to work, staring at the people. She saw the familiar bums and junkies hanging out in the same places every day. How were their lives so different from hers? Wasn’t it all about getting in a routine until the boredom forced one to change? At least the bums were free from timecards, taxes, landlords, bosses, and paperwork. Probably making more money, too. Julie became aware of the homeless cats that lived in the alleys. She named a few of them and occasionally brought them leftover food from the diner.

The strangest character she noticed on the streets was the violin player. She saw him at least once a week, standing or sitting on the sidewalk, strumming both somber and joyous melodies on his violin as if he was playing to a concert of millions of people. If not for his appearance in fingerless gloves, a crooked winter hat, and worn out clothing, one might think he belonged to a great orchestra.

Julie remembered the symphony Charlie had taken her to. She remembered the beautiful sounds that echoed through the hall. She remembered how she felt after the concert had ended, how the music had changed her. She longed to feel that way again and so she paid close attention to the violinist when she walked by. Most of all, she longed to see Charlie again, or at least hear from him, but she quickly pushed him out of her mind with a frustration that was intertwined with most of her love relationships.

Once in a while her roommate would drag her to a strange club and force her to dance under the hot strobe lights, where men circled like sharks until they found the prey they wanted. Her roommate always got attacked before her, but that was fine with Julie. She really did not want any of them anyway. She was wise to their hunt and their lines to reel her in, and they never worked.

On one of the boring, average days, Julie walked into the diner for another routine evening of waiting on locals, those who were too poor to tip and vacationers who were too cheap to tip. Suddenly she noticed the song over the radio, and she couldn’t help but smile. The words were all too familiar, for she had heard them several times before. A song by Air Supply.

“That’s a beautiful song, isn’t it?” an older waitress said.

“Let’s go, ladies. There are hungry customers out there,” Mel, the chef and owner, yelled from the kitchen.

“At least Air Supply seems to know what love is,” the waitress said again.

“Yeah,” Julie agreed as if hearing Charlie say those words. Julie really looked at the woman for the first time clearly. Jill was her name; she read it on her nametag. She had a soft sweet smile, somewhat quiet and mysterious, but definitely caring. She looked like she had a hard life.

Julie kept feeling the stares of the woman throughout the day, but she thought nothing of them, just a lonely woman at work looking for someone to talk to.

“So do you have dreams, Juliet?” the woman asked.

“Yes, I mean I guess so,” Julie responded.

“Tell me,” Jill asked.

“I wanted to be an actress. I don’t even care if I made it big or anything like that, I just want to do something I would enjoy,” Julie responded. “I need a job where I can express myself.”

“Let’s go ladies, back to work. I don’t pay you to sit around and talk about your dreams,” Mel yelled.

“I’d sure like to express myself to him once in a while,” Julie whispered and they shared a laugh at Mel’s expense.

“Don’t pay him any attention,” the woman said. “Have you auditioned for anything?”

“No. I just can’t seem to get myself to do anything,” Julie said.

“Do you have any friends here?” Jill asked.

“Not really. I have my roommate but she is always busy fighting and making up with her boyfriends,” Julie replied. “I really don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“Is there anyone you love here? I don’t mean to pry, but is there anyone special you care about? Anyone you love of the male kind, or female if that’s your thing?” Jill asked shrugging her shoulders.

“Oh, it would be a man, but no. I don’t know what love is. It doesn’t seem to come without stress and heartache. If that’s love, I’m not sure I want anything to do with it.” Julie started to pile the dirty dishes for the washer.

“Love,” the woman said. “True love is that moment when time stops. It is when you look into another person’s eyes and nothing else matters but that very moment. You don’t think about it, you become it fully with every ounce of your being,” the woman continued as Julie stopped working to listen closely, as if she was saying something profound. “That’s what true love is. You don’t think about anything. There are no faults and nothing to forgive. Everything about yourself and the other person is perfect. It is the moment you become love itself, nothing more, nothing less. Every part of your body gives into that timeless moment and all the world is at rest,” she said, seeming to show more wisdom than the pink waitress uniform revealed.

“That’s beautiful,” Julie said.

“Well, I know it’s true,” Jill added.

“So you’re one of the few who has a happy marriage?” Julie questioned, noticing that she did not have a wedding ring on her finger.

“No, I’m not married. I fell in love with a memory. It was too late when I realized what love truly was. But I see it in everything now,” the strange woman said, as she reluctantly reached out and placed her hand on Julie’s, as if she was grabbing a precious vase.

“Let’s go ladies! Break’s over!” Mel shouted, noticing that Julie had stopped piling the dishes again.

“Well, I guess we should get back in there. There are hungry customers waiting,” Julie said as she pulled her hand free.

Jill stood there as if she had something more to say. Just before Julie opened the door to the dining room, the woman said, “I’m sorry I left you, Juliet.”

Julie turned around with a puzzled look on her face and said softly, “What did you say?”

“I’m sorry I left you. You’re Juliet Lavine from Brookville, right? You had a mother who left you when you were very young.”

Julie recalled the familiarity of all the strange stares the woman gave her.

“Is it really you?” she asked with a calm yet distant voice.

Jill slowly nodded. Julie stared at her for a moment longer then turned away, walked out of the room, and went to work. From the other side of the diner Julie felt the stares of the woman who claimed to be her mother. She did not want to believe it. She did not want it to be true. Her customers could see her tension in the way she let the plates drop to the table, placing food in front of them which they had not ordered. Nor did she listen when they tried to point out the mistake.

“What’ll it be?” Julie said to the next table.

“Juliet. Is that you?” a familiar, yet forgotten voice said.

Julie took the time to look the woman in the eyes. “Nurse Betty?” Her face looked younger and was painted with a glowing smile, but it was her. A chubby faced gentleman sat next to her in the booth. They looked like two teenagers in love.

“What happened to you? You look different,” Julie replied. “I mean you look good. Just different.”

“Thank you. You’re that girl who was with Charlie Daniels, right?” she asked.

“Yeah, that’s me,” she nodded, dropping her order pad to her side. She looked at the man Betty was with. He looked familiar but she couldn’t place him.

“Excuse me, I have to run to the boy’s room,” he whispered to Betty. “Nice to meet you.” As he stood up his belt caught the edge of the table, snapping back with a loud sound. “Wow,” he said with a laugh, “almost lost my pants. They’re always falling down,” he said to Julie as he walked away. Julie turned around and watched him walk. She remembered the man whose pants fell down while crossing the street outside Juliano’s. Julie glanced at Betty then turned around for a second look.

“He’s a looker, isn’t he?” Betty asked with a wink and schoolgirl smile. “He’s all mine, though. You can’t have him. I met Harold a few months ago. It was like magic. I went to school with him you know, 40 years ago. I had the biggest crush on him but he was always too shy to ask me out and I wasn’t very comfortable with my looks even back then. I haven’t seen him for 40 years. He just came to New York City to visit his daughter. He suddenly got ill and guess who his nurse was?” Betty asked.

“You,” Julie pointed to her with her pencil.

“Me,” she squealed with a squeaky schoolgirl charm. “It was like a fairy tale. He is the only man I still thought about all these years. I wonder if Cupid, I mean Charlie, had anything to do with this? I guess I’ll never know. How is he anyway?” Betty asked.

“I haven’t seen him. We kind of went our separate ways,” Julie said.

“Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. It would be hard to have a relationship with an angel anyway,” Betty said. “You could ask Charlie for help…oh that would be weird.”

Julie stepped back, realizing Betty really believed Charlie was an angel or a Greek god from Olympus who watched over humans and brought them love.

“I’m okay with it all,” Julie lied.

“You don’t look okay,” Betty called her out on it.

“It’s not that. It’s something else…” she thought of her mother now.

“You don’t have to pretend,” Nurse Betty interrupted. “The way he talked about you I didn’t ever think you two would ever be separated. It makes me wonder if anyone can last.”

“What do you mean the way he talked about me? What did he say?” Julie nervously scratched her pen across the top of her note pad.

“Well, when he was unconscious he kept calling for you. Even when he was awake, when you were out of the room he would say such things as, ‘I finally know what the love I give to you humans feels like.’ He said that he spent eternity helping humans find true love but that he never really experienced it himself in a human way until now, until he met you,” Nurse Betty concluded.

Julie put her pad and pencil down on the table. “That son-of-a-bitch, I knew he loved me.” Julie tossed down her apron. “I got to go, Nurse Betty. Thank you for everything.” She hugged her and began walking out the door. Nurse Betty’s boyfriend was walking back to the table. Julie hugged him too, “Sorry about your pants falling while you were crossing the street that day. You take good care of her.”

“I will,” he replied as Julie hurried toward the door.
How did she know about that?
He turned to the most beautiful girl in the world, sitting in the booth waiting for him.
I never even told Betty about that, even though that event led us to meeting again.

“Where are you going?” Mel yelled. “If you walk out that door, you’re fired.”

“I quit,” Julie yelled.

Jill, her mother, stormed out the door after her.

“And where are you going?” Mel yelled as all the customers watched.

“Just back off Mel!” Jill yelled with a look and sound that frightened even him. “And she’ll be back if she wants to come back! She’s my daughter!”

“Well who’s gonna feed these goddamn customers?” Mel turned from the doorway to see the disturbed faces of his patrons. “What are you looking at?!” They returned to their plates of food, feeling like they had just experienced the rudeness of a true New Yorker.

“Wait, Julie,” Jill said outside the diner, but Julie did not turn around. She kept walking and Jill knew she would not stop. She stepped back into the diner, tossed her apron at Mel and said, “You’re going to have to cover for us for a little while. I can’t lose her again.”

Mel grunted as he caught the apron and knew there was nothing he could do. Julie raced back to her apartment and Jill followed behind. The violin player played violently on the opposite side of the street.

Julie returned to her apartment and began packing her things. She didn’t know what she was doing, where she was going. She only knew that she wanted to leave and start over again. She wanted to find Charlie, but she didn’t know where to begin.
He caught the Brookville bus, but where did he say he was from?
She questioned, her memory going back to the cold day on the bus. She couldn’t recall if he ever said.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. She opened it to see the face of a familiar yet estranged woman, claiming to be her mother.

“Can I come in?” the woman asked.

Reluctantly, Julie opened the door further without a word and let the woman enter.

“This is a nice place you have.” She noticed the clothes hanging half way out of the duffle bag that Julie was packing, “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. I just have to leave.”

“Don’t run away, just get it out,” the woman said. “Just spit all of your anger out at me, I deserve it. Let’s get this out of the way right now.”

Julie realized her mother thought she was leaving because of her.

“It’s not me you need to get forgiveness from. I never really knew you, so I didn’t know what I lost. I only knew there was a strange woman out there who gave birth to me. You were just a stranger to me, but not to him. He
never
forgot you.”

“I never forgot him either,” the woman said.

Julie rolled her eyes than angrily packed more. She paused. “Why did you leave him? He was a good man.” Julie sat on the bed. She was too emotionally weakened to show all the anger she felt. She broke down, her body became weak, and her limbs tingled, but she refused to cry.

“I know he was,” the woman responded. “For a long time I regretted leaving your father. He was all I ever needed. I just couldn’t see it at the time. I didn’t know what real love felt like back then.”

“He’s dead now,” Julie said unable to stop her tears.

“I know,” the woman responded.

“You know?!” Julie was surprised. “If you knew he was gone, why didn’t you come back for me?” she began to yell.

“I figured you were better off without me. I was a failure, Juliet. I failed at being a good wife; I failed at being a good mother. You were already grown up when he died. I didn’t think you would want or need me,” she said.

“Well I did need you!” Julie yelled. “And so did he! We both needed you!”

“I was foolish when I left your father,” she said calmly. “I was a young, scared, stupid girl.”

“He loved you more than anything in the world until the day he died. I know he did,” Julie argued. “He missed you every day you were gone. He never looked at another woman.”

She seemed surprised and saddened to know he still waited for her to return.

“When I was with your father I felt empty inside. I guess I blamed him for that, but I know now it wasn’t his fault. I made the mistake of thinking he wasn’t the right man for me, so I left. By the time I figured it out, I was too embarrassed to return. I figured he had moved on. He was the one I loved. I just couldn’t see it when I had the chance. I didn’t know what true love was then. And that’s my excuse for leaving him, but there is no excuse for me leaving you. For that, I am forever regretful.”

The woman’s words and demeanor calmed Julie. She seemed sincere, thoughtful, as if spoken from a place of wisdom and honesty. Julie could feel the woman’s regret. She let herself cry without restraint.

Jill moved closer. Close enough to touch but she resisted. She silently, waited for her daughter’s approval. Then Julie stood up. Jill stretched out her arms not really expecting them to be filled. She couldn’t blame her. But Julie felt broken. There was no one else to turn to, no one else to listen. She fell into the woman’s arms and the woman embraced her the way a mother should, wishing to take all her pain away.

“I’m so sorry, Juliet. I’m so sorry I left you. I won’t let you go again unless it is what you truly want.”

Julie continued to cry harder in her mother’s arms. She thought of Charlie also and missed him, wishing she was holding him as well. She thought of the things Nurse Betty had told her and wondered if Charlie’s feeling for her were real.

“How do you know when you’re in love?” Julie asked, finding it strange that she was now confiding in the one who hurt her the most. Jill instantly knew that Julie was speaking of someone she cared about and missed deeply.

“You can’t find true love in anyone else. You must find it in yourself. It is measured by the love that comes out of you. Only when you feel it overflowing from within will you know what true love is,” her mother said. It sounded strangely like something Charlie would say.

Julie stepped back and held her mother’s hands. They were coarse from hard work. She knew she had struggled. She thought about Charlie and all the things he said about love.

“I made a horrible, horrible mistake and now your father is gone and I cannot have him back. I cannot have a second chance. So if you love someone, don’t give up on it,” her mother comforted her. “I can see it in your eyes. There is someone special.”

“Yes, I guess so.” Julie let go of her mother’s hands and dried her eyes with her sleeves. “But I’m afraid of relationships. It’s like I always anticipate something to go wrong. How can we really trust anybody? I know he loved me, and then it was as if he didn’t. He wanted to end it. Then today at the diner, Nurse Betty told me things that…” Julie became silent. She didn’t understand how he felt. She thought to herself,
If he loved me why didn’t he just say so? Why did he lie to me and let me go? Who is the girl with long black hair?

“Oh honey,” Jill squeezed her daughter’s hand, “don’t be afraid of love because of one bad experience. Love isn’t the problem. Love is so simple. It is what we make of love that is the problem,” Julie looked up, surprised again at the similarity of her mother’s words and Charlie’s. “We make relationships complicated and turn them into something stressful and sad, but true love is not that way. True love is the simplest, easiest thing. It is everything else that gets in the way.”

Julie studied the lines on her mother’s face as she began to brush her hand through her daughter’s hair, wondering if this man she loved had gotten to her. She just listened to her mother.

“I feel love all the time now.” She continued to untangle the knots in Julie’s hair with her fingers. “This is what I’ve been waiting to feel my whole life and I feel it right here, right now with you. It’s the simplest thing, Juliet. The simplest thing.”

After a moment of silence, Jill said to her daughter, “If you would like to get into acting, I have friends in the business. If you like, you could come stay with me for free, save your money, and I’ll do what I can to help you.”

“I better stay here. Daisy wouldn’t know what to do without me. She’s from Texas and couldn’t handle the rent on her own.” She knew that was a lie but she didn’t want to hurt the woman’s feeling. She was just not ready to move in with her mother. “I suppose I’ll stick it out in that diner until something better comes along,” she added for the sake of getting to know her mother, not the job.

“Something better will come along,” her mother replied with a smile, rubbing her back. She was beginning to feel like a mother again. The weight of wasted years still weighed upon her, but she was willing to do anything to make it up.