A Note in the Margin (30 page)

From
the same table, in the same café John stared out through the fogged-up window at the little store where he’d spent the past year of his life. His gaze was just as unfocused as it had been then but this time, rather than resentment at being there, his mind was filled with all that had happened to him during the past twelve months. The shop still looked roughly the same, but
he
was nothing like the person that signed that short-term lease.

His sight was suddenly drawn to the men loading cardboard boxes tightly sealed with wide strips of masking tape into the white removals van. Jamie walked into view, checking the neatly written notes on each box and pointing into the truck to give the moving men unnecessary instructions. A smile played briefly over John’s lips with the thought
Every job needs a gaffer and Jamie makes a great supervisor; that way he can be nosy without actually doing much.
He sighed and watched the young man smile, obviously flirting with the well-built removalist carrying one of the larger containers.
Why didn’t I fall for Jamie?,
John wondered looking at the cheeky grin.
Life could have been a hell of a lot easier, a lot less complicated.
His fingers fiddled absently with the near-empty teacup on the table, turning it in slow circles on the matching saucer.

A new financial year and his temporary “sea change” was over.

A delicately feminine hand covered his and asked, “Penny for your thoughts, John?”

John’s hand stilled and he looked at the woman sitting across the table. He smiled and shook his head. “Just considering the fact that the year is over and my decision is made.” John then added with a sheepish smile, “I was also watching Jamie and thinking that the last twelve months may have been easier if I’d fallen for him instead of David.”

He blushed at his observation but Maggie laughed and said, “Ah, John, I love my son to death, but I know he would have driven you round the bend in no time.”

John’s grin widened. “Yeah, I think you’re right. There have been a few occasions where I could have happily throttled him.” He looked out the window again to witness Jamie scribbling notes on one of the boxes, his expression turned more serious. “Mind you, I’m not sure what I would have done without him.”

“He’s a good boy.” Maggie smiled, looking across the road at her son, and then squeezed John’s hand. “So how are you now, John?”

John continued to stare out the window.
How am I now? Interesting question.
He finally came to a conclusion and turned to look at her. “You know, Maggie… I would have to say I’m good.” A grin spread across his face at the admission. “Yeah, I
am
good.
This
is my life now and I’m happy with it.”

Maggie patted his hand and released it to take a sip of her tea. She let out a contented sigh and said with an air of understanding, “I knew my little shop would win you over. I could tell you needed it.”

John laughed but couldn’t deny it. “It did at that! I honestly don’t know how you could give it up.”

Maggie looked over at Margins, her voice taking on a wistful quality as she said, “I’ve had my time there, John. I had a wonderful marriage and raised my son to be a beautiful person. What more could I ask for? Besides, it’s your turn now.”

“My turn,” John murmured, testing the feel of the words. He looked across the road again to catch Jamie writing something with a thick marker on the forearm of the removalist. John squinted until he could make out what looked like a series of numbers. “Looks like Jamie has a new friend.” John chuckled, tilting his head toward the scene outside. Maggie shook her head and said with obvious love, “That boy is incorrigible! Although from what he told me, he seems to have become firm friends with one of the social workers at the shelter. Brian, I think he said.”

John’s eyebrows rose. “Well, he kept that very quiet.”

“That means it’s important to him.” She glanced at Jamie with an understanding that only mothers have of their sons.

Another man walked out of the store, carrying what looked to be a small but heavy cardboard box. He stopped and said something to Jamie then broke into easy laughter; John couldn’t help smiling.

“I can’t get over the change in him,” Maggie remarked, also watching the relaxed banter between David and her son.

John couldn’t take his eyes off David as he replied, “Yeah, in some ways he has really moved forward since you last saw him.”

Maggie studied John’s face and asked quietly, “In
some
ways, John?”

John watched David climb into the van to load the box, the smile still on his lips, but only barely as he answered, “He has his good days and his bad days. Today is a good one.” John sighed and added, “He’s a lot stronger than he was. More confident, but you know, sometimes I’m sure there are moments when he still thinks of himself as homeless.”

“How do you mean?” Maggie inquired gently.

John glanced down at his hands, trying to formulate words that could explain a feeling rather than an event. Finally he shook his head and said, “I don’t know, Maggie. Sometimes, not often now, but sometimes he just… pulls back, withdraws into himself as if he’s not able to be part of my life.” John stopped, took a breath, and continued in a quieter voice. “He’s trying so hard and maybe I’m overreacting. He has this bloody backpack in our bedroom. It doesn’t scare me as much as it used to, but every day I see it and every day it reminds me that there are times when he needs to know he can just walk out the front door.” John drained the last of his tea and ran his tongue briefly over his bottom lip. “Even now he keeps his things in his pack… and sometimes I find half-eaten food stashed in there.”

“I would imagine that’s only to be expected, sweetheart. He
must
have a lot to be worked through and that’s going to take time. To me, he’s achieved so much in getting his life to this point. I still remember the terrified, shabby man I lured into the shop not so long ago. But he has
you
now, John.”

John looked down at the few stray tea leaves stuck to the inside of his otherwise empty cup. A flush rose up his collar as heat suddenly welled in his chest at Maggie’s words. “We have each other. He’s done just as much for me.”

Maggie touched John’s arm and whispered conspiratorially, “I always knew he was a special one.”

A special one,
John thought.
Very special.
He whispered back, “I know.”

Suddenly aware of someone standing next to him, John turned to see the waitress hovering with a fresh pot of tea. She smiled, lifted the pot, and asked, “Refill?” Both Maggie and John moved their hands to allow her access to their empty cups.

Maggie watched John thoughtfully as he stirred a spoonful of sugar into his tea and said, “Jamie told me about David’s son.”

John sighed and rested his teaspoon on the side of the saucer. “Adam. I meet with him regularly and I think it helps. Helps both of us actually.”

Maggie nodded, encouraging John to continue. He leaned forward in his chair and rubbed his fingers briefly across his mouth. “Adam needs his dad, but I guess I do for the time being. At least until David is up to building that relationship again.”

“Has he spoken to Adam at all?”

“In a fashion, but I think we’re getting closer to it really happening.”

“You’re a good man doing this for them, John,” Maggie said, giving his hand another pat. “How is David coping with all of this?”

John grimaced slightly at the question but appreciated the comforting touch of her hand. “That varies. It isn’t that he thinks Adam will reject him anymore; it’s more that he’s only just starting to believe that he
deserves
to be part of Adam’s life. The other night he told me that he thinks he can start being Adam’s dad again. The reality of that is going to be difficult for him, but if we take it slowly I think we’ll get there.”

Maggie knew all too well the bumpy road ahead for them. “Stick with him, John; I know it can’t be easy.”

John nodded quietly.
It hasn’t been easy.

She took a bite of her gingersnap cookie and chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “Whatever you’re all doing seems to be working though, and what is it they say? Two steps forward….”

“One step back.” John finished the well-worn phrase with a good-natured roll of his eyes.

“Yes, I know. I’ve always hated that old cliché too,” Maggie said with a wink. “I believe that we should all be able to dance through life and only change the tempo now and then.”

John looked at her and grinned broadly. “I think I can see where Jamie gets his outlook on life.”

“I taught him well.” Maggie laughed, wagging her cookie at him. “Actually, John, I’m surprised you’re staying in the apartment when you have such a nice one uptown.”

“I gave up the lease on that. This is where I want to be; this is home for me now,” John replied. Then he added in a mischievous tone, “Besides, there aren’t many places these days that have an old-fashioned tub big enough for two.”

Maggie wiggled her eyebrows in a fashion John had seen Jamie do on many occasions and giggled. “Oh, believe me, John, I know….
I know!
”

John shot her an incredulous look and burst into an enthusiastic round of laughter. “Maggie! You are a wicked woman!”

Mid-laugh, John returned his attention to the moving van and saw David standing across the street looking at him through the misted glass. David’s smile was wide and open; it filled John with such an overwhelming joy that it momentarily took his breath away.
Yeah, today is a good day.

Maggie sat in quiet recognition of John’s expression, understanding enough not to comment.

Realizing he was being watched, John cleared his throat and his blush deepened to the point where Maggie couldn’t resist a gentle laugh. “It looks like they’ve loaded the last of my things into the van. A quick trip to get the rest out of storage and we’re done.” Her expression saddened slightly at the thought of this chapter in her life closing.

John nodded. “Take a few minutes, Maggie. I’ll settle the bill and gather the troops.”

“Thank you, John.” Maggie smiled as he got up and walked over to the cash register. She would miss her life here but knew what she’d said to John was true; her time here
was
over and it was their time now. Maggie took another nibble at her cookie and watched John walk across the street to slip his arm around David’s waist. The smile didn’t leave her lips as she thoughtfully chewed on both the cookie and the notion:
Their time now….

Maggie
shared one more cup of tea with John; one that was to be her last in the little kitchen of the bookstore before following her son to her car. John watched her go and took a minute or two to gather his thoughts. He leaned quietly against the doorframe and looked out at the street of small stores and cafés.

“Get inside, John; it’s going to be a cold one tonight,” Adele scolded as she walked past on the way to her bus stop. John chuckled and waved. “It’s pension day tomorrow; I’ll have the kettle on ready.”

Before locking up, John glanced back into the cluttered store, at its heavy wooden shelves laden with books new and old. He chuckled. “A fucking shoplifter’s paradise.”

The
apartment was quiet. John threw his keys on the coffee table and walked through to the bedroom. Coming to an abrupt halt, he stared at the empty space against the chest of drawers. David’s pack was gone. He took a step closer as if it would somehow magically appear.

Panic threatened for only the briefest second before John looked around the room. David’s phone was on the nightstand as was his sketchbook.

Glancing back at the vacant space, John bent down to slowly slide open the bottom drawer.

They took up not quite half the drawer, but John smiled at David’s clothes all neatly stacked and folded.

He strolled back through their apartment and heard the faint splash of water. His smile broadened as he tapped on the bathroom door.

“Room in there for two?”

Adam
sat and waited.
John said they’d be here at five and it won’t be that for another ten minutes.

He fidgeted in his seat, sitting up then slouching back down only to sit up again. First one napkin was torn into a neat spiral then another simply frayed around the edges. Adam was about to start on the bundle of sugar packets when the waitress appeared with his orange juice. With an apologetic smile he scooped all the paper fragments into his hand and placed them in hers.

“He shouldn’t be long. He’s never been late yet.” She chuckled, having seen John and Adam meeting for quite a few months now.

“Yeah.” Adam smiled back. “John’s always on time.”
But my dad was always late for everything.
Adam’s stomach did a flip at the thought and he instantly pulled out his cell phone to check the time again.
Five past; maybe they’re not coming
. Adam closed his eyes and took a long breath.
They’re coming. John would call if they weren’t.

The thought had barely passed when the door opened and John appeared. Adam smiled but looked straight past him. He frowned at the empty doorway and looked back at John.

“It’s all right, Adam. He’s here,” John reassured him and took a seat. “He needs a minute and I thought it would be a good idea if I came in and spoke to you first.”

Adam nodded and glanced again at the doorway. “He’s okay though, John? I mean, he still wants to do this?”

“Oh, he wants to do this. He’s just… he’s just a bit nervous, is all.”
Scared to death is more like it.

Adam didn’t look convinced but decided he’d trusted John this far so he could wait a few more minutes.

John knew the meeting was going to be hard, and playing go-between had his nerves twitching. “I’ll go and get him in a bit but before I do I want to make sure you understand that if he doesn’t say much it’s not because you’ve done anything wrong. He finds it difficult to talk sometimes and….”

The hint of a smile formed on Adam’s lips and he said, “I understand, John. I really do.” He shrugged, went to take a drink, then changed his mind and put the glass back on the table. “Do you think you should go and check with him? See if he wants to come in yet?”

“I’ll see if he’s ready,” John said, hoping like hell David would be able to do this at all. With a brief nod, John stood and walked to the door. The short walk frightened him more than any he’d taken into hostile boardrooms or shareholders meetings.

David slouched against the wall. From his position he could lean over and peer into the café or watch the passing shoppers compare bargains. He chose the latter. But although his eyes were on the opposite side of the street all his thoughts were centered inside that café, on what he could possibly say to his son. When the door opened David could see John emerge in his peripheral vision. His stomach lurched.

“Hey, Dave,” John said quietly. “You want to come in?”

John watched as David straightened, filled his lungs with air, and slowly exhaled. He turned and said, “I think I need to do this on my own, John. Is that okay?”

“Of course it is,” John answered, not sure if he was pleased or disappointed, and stepped away from the door. He gave him what he hoped was an encouraging smile and said, “No matter what, Dave, just remember it’s Adam and he loves you.”

Pins and needles pinged through David’s arms down to his fingers as he stepped into the café. Within an instant he saw the expectant face of Adam watching him.
He looks as scared as I feel.
The first few steps to the table were shaky but David made it to the seat opposite Adam.

From his vantage point just outside the front window John took a peak at David’s progress across the room. “That’s it, Dave,” he muttered, feeling each and every step with him. When David finally sat, John let out his breath and his attention turned to Adam. “Talk to him, lad. You’ll have to start this for him.”

But Adam didn’t speak. As hard as he tried, now that his father was there in front of him he just didn’t know what to say.

The pair sat in silence for long enough for John to make a move toward the door, but as his hand reached out he saw another hand reach for Adam’s.

Although his eyes were still downcast, David’s fingers weren’t hesitant when they closed around his son’s. The grasp was warm and solid. It reminded Adam of when he was little and his dad used to take his hand to cross the road. It felt good.

“Your hands are nearly as big as mine now,” David said quietly, sharing a similar memory.
Almost a man who might not need his dad anymore.

“Yeah,” Adam replied, his eyes flicking from their hands to David’s face. “But I still bite my nails.”

“Only when you’ve got something on your mind.” David smiled and finally looked up to see the same smile on the face of his son.

John stood at the window, not caring that he was in full view of the café’s customers. He’d watched with surprise when David made the first real contact and then spoke to the overwhelmed teenager and, as nervous as he looked, John could see that David was becoming “Dad” again.

He turned away from the window and couldn’t resist a laugh of sheer joy, only to receive a scowl from a passerby. John just grinned back. When he returned to the window, both Adam and David were looking at David’s wrist. He saw Adam laugh at something David said. John strained to see what they were looking at until it dawned on him. The little heart tattoo. He’d seen it so many times but never felt he could ask its meaning. There were so many things John hadn’t asked.

When we get home, I’ll ask.