A Pain in the Tuchis: A Mrs. Kaplan Mystery (17 page)

BOOK: A Pain in the Tuchis: A Mrs. Kaplan Mystery

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At this point, Mrs. K took my telephone out of her pocket and put it on Corcoran’s desk. She touched this place and that, and right away we were hearing what took place when she visited Fannie. I think perhaps it would be clearer if I just insert here for you what they call the transcript of the conversation. It was made by the police and later used at Fannie’s trial, and the police were nice enough to let me borrow it.

Mrs. Kaplan: Hello, Fannie dear. May I come in for a moment?
Frances Kleinberg: Sure. What’s up?
K: Do you remember that I told you about those two medicines that combined to cause your sister’s death?
F: Yes, what about them?
K: Well, Fannie, it occurred to me that you probably were, well, a
bissel
overweight at one time.
F: So what if I was? What’s the point?
K: Well, I thought you might at that time have had a prescription for that weight-loss drug that someone gave to Vera…you know?
F: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
K: I mean, if you used to take that medicine…
F: You’re crazy, you know that? Look, I have never taken sibutramine in my life. And even if I had, it would have been a helluva long time ago. But I didn’t. And you must be getting pretty desperate to save that precious Daniel to have the bloody nerve to come here and accuse me of killing my own sister.

That is enough. You get the idea. Fannie then threw Mrs. K out of her apartment, using some very bad language. It gives me chills to read this again and realize that Fannie might have done more than swear at her and throw her out. She was lucky.

Anyway, when Mrs. K finishes, Jenkins says, “I may be missing something, but all I heard was Mrs. Kleinberg denying she gave the fatal medicine to her sister.” To Corcoran, he asked, “Did you hear anything else?”

Corcoran was thoughtful. He rubbed his chin. It was like he was trying to figure out a good riddle. Which in a way he was. Then he said to Mrs. K, “Has it got something to do with…with what she knew?”

Mrs. K almost beamed with pleasure. “You are very sharp, Inspector. That is indeed the point. I am quite certain neither Ida nor I ever mentioned to Fannie the name of the drug that killed her sister. You had told us not to give out many details, and that was one thing I did not mention to anyone, and I doubt other residents knew it either, unless one of you told them. Or Daniel did. And I am sure he did not.”

“No, no, we didn’t let that out, I’m sure.” Corcoran scratched his head and shook it a bit. Finally he said, “Is there anything else you want to add? For example, how do you explain the pills found in Daniel’s house?”

“Oh, that is easy. For a week after Vera’s death, Daniel was sitting
shiva
at his home. He was in mourning. And much of that time, Fannie was there too, as was quite proper. So she had more than enough opportunity to plant that bottle of pills in the back of Daniel’s medicine cabinet, where she hoped it would be found by the police.”

“You think she expected us to search Daniel’s house?”

“Not necessarily, but there was no harm in putting the pills there just in case. In fact, I’ll bet she had some plan to tip the police off in some way in case they didn’t get the idea on their own.”

“Yes, I see,” Corcoran said. “Anything else?”

Mrs. K shook her head. “No, that’s all. It is my opinion that if the evidence against Daniel is like a trout in the milk, that against Fannie is more like a shark in the soup.”

Corcoran laughed. “And is that kosher, Mrs. Kaplan? I thought mixing meat and milk was not permitted for Jews.”

“Yes, it is perfectly kosher. Fish is not the same as meat. Just look at the piles of lox and cream cheese at any
bar mitzvah.
”

“Yes, I’ve actually seen that. All right, you’ve made your point, as usual. As you can understand, we will have to check out these things you’ve told us. In fact, I’ve already got the wheels turning, including bringing Mrs. Kleinberg in for questioning.” Aha! That is what he was doing on the telephone while Jenkins was getting the drinks. He had obviously heard enough by then. “As soon as we’re done here, I’ll be getting a search warrant for her apartment. If what you tell me checks out, well, I think we can drop our case against Daniel Gold. And he’ll have you to thank for it.

“And Mrs. Kaplan, I have to say I’m now glad you completely ignored my request that you and Mrs. Berkowitz drop your…your investigation. By now I really should have known better.” This sounded very much like what the police usually said to Mr. Sherlock Holmes after they had told him to “butt out,” as Mrs. K had put it, and he had then solved the case for them.

“Thank you very much, Inspector,” Mrs. K said graciously. “Ida and I are very pleased we were able to help. I will wait to hear what you find out.”

We all stood up. Jenkins was scratching his head. Suddenly he put out his hand to shake Mrs. K’s and said, “I’ve gotta admit that was pretty damn impressive, Mrs. Kaplan.”

Such a statement coming from the
shlumper
Jenkins was even more impressive, if you ask me.

—

As we left the police building, feeling many pounds lighter than when we entered, I said to Mrs. K, “Tell me, Rose: when you said you might consider asking the burglar lady to help us again, what did you have in mind? Surely not that she would sneak into the Superior Drug Mart store and steal the records?”

Mrs. K laughed. “No, nothing like that. If I could not get the prescription records somehow, I wanted her to enter Fannie’s room and look for the bottle of diet pills from which she gave one to Vera.”

“You thought she would still have that bottle?”

“Well, as we just were saying, it’s not uncommon for the criminal to make a mistake like that, to overlook or leave behind some evidence of his crime, perhaps because he was so sure he would not be suspected or caught. I thought it was a chance worth taking. But I am glad we did not have to take it.”

“As am I,” I said. I thought it very unlikely Fannie would have made such a mistake. To be honest, however, I can tell you now that when the police eventually searched Fannie’s apartment, they did indeed find a bottle with the remaining pills. She had put some in Daniel’s house, but she had kept the prescription bottle from which they came, even with its label. It was very careless of Fannie, especially after it seemed Mrs. K suspected her, but no doubt she either forgot she still had the pills, or she dismissed Mrs. K as a busybody no one would believe, especially because she still seemed to lack both a motive and an opportunity. But as Mrs. K would say, her being guilty was not the impossible of Mr. Sherlock Holmes’s famous advice.

It was just the improbable that turned out to be the truth.

—

We walked a little farther before I thought of something else. “One other thing I forgot to ask, Rose. Where did this cousin Erik fit in? I mean, was he at the Home or not? Did he also try to kill Vera?”

Mrs. K stopped and turned to me. “I’m so sorry, Ida. I completely forgot to tell you. Inspector Corcoran telephoned me yesterday and said the police had picked up Erik Weiss somewhere in town here and questioned him. He admitted coming to the Home on
Yom Kippur.
It turns out he was not a murderer, just a
shnorrer—
a moocher—every family has one. He wanted to ask Vera for money. He hoped he could make her feel guilty enough, especially on the Day of Atonement, for testifying against him that she would give him something, maybe just to make him go away. Anyway, when he found out she was so sick, he figured he would not be able to carry out his plan and left.”

“And the police believed him?”

“Yes, I think so. It was never very likely that he gave Vera the medicine anyway, was it? How would he do it? Where would he get sibutramine, unless perhaps he too once had taken it?” She was getting very good at saying the name now. “But mostly, what would he gain, except revenge? He was not in the will, whatever happened to Daniel. And he was not known as a violent criminal, just an embezzler. So yes, I think they believed him.

“And now that Daniel will be inheriting almost all of Vera’s money, no doubt he will be the next relative the
shnorrer
Erik visits. And if I know Daniel, he will give him something. A kind heart he has.”

And so it was back to the Julius and Rebecca Cohen Home for Jewish Seniors. Like most such places, it can be rather dull and unexciting much of the time.

But life there is never boring for too long when your best friend is Rose Kaplan.

For Analee and Elliot

Acknowledgments

My thanks to my editor, Dana Isaacson, whose many excellent suggestions made this book much better, and to the entire production staff at Alibi. Thanks also to Drs. Ray and Vita Pliskow, my “medical consultants,” and of course my wife, Analee, always the first reader and best critic of my efforts.

B
Y
M
ARK
R
EUTLINGER

Mrs. Kaplan and the Matzoh Ball of Death

A Pain in the Tuchis

PHOTO: © ANALEE REUTLINGER

M
ARK
R
EUTLINGER
is the author of the novel
Made in China,
as well as the first Mrs. Kaplan Mystery,
Mrs. Kaplan and the Matzoh Ball of Death.
A professor of law emeritus at Seattle University, Reutlinger was born in San Francisco, graduated from UC Berkeley, and now lives with his wife, Analee, in University Place, Washington.

markreutlinger.com

@markreutlinger