A Real Cowboy Knows How to Kiss (13 page)

"I just..." God, how could she say the truth without sounding like a desperate fool?

"You just what?" He caught her hand and kissed her palm.

She watched him kiss her. His jaw was rough with stubble, unlike the first time she'd seen him when he'd been so clean-shaven, with his hair super short. It had been only a week and a half, but his hair was a little longer, and he looked rougher. The bones in his shoulders were protruding too much through skin that didn't have enough fat. His shoulder had an old surgical scar across it, and his side was bandaged. His cheeks were more hollow than they had once been. He was a man who had been through tough things, things that still haunted him. He was a man who had truly lived, and he made her want to live as well.

The person she'd been her whole life would never speak up about what was in her heart, for fear of upsetting or disappointing him. But he made her want to be brave, and not hide from who she was or what she felt. "When I said that we only had ten days..." She stopped, and bit her lip. Dammit. She didn't want to sound needy and pathetic. What if it drove him away?

His eyebrow quirked. "Yeah?"

She cleared her throat, forcing herself to continue. "You didn't seem to care that we only had ten days, other than trying to figure out how to fit in as much sex as possible." There, she said it. Well, she hadn't exactly spelled it out, but she'd said enough.

His face darkened, and he pulled back, his body tensing.

The moment he withdrew, she knew she'd made a mistake. The reason he hadn't mentioned anything after ten days was because
he didn't want it.
She shouldn't have said anything. Damn him for making her say it!

But it was too late. There was no taking it back.

Steen saw the hurt in Erin's eyes, and he felt it in the sudden softness of her voice. Regret poured through him. Son of a bitch. This wasn't supposed to happen this way. He was supposed to rebuild her, not tear her down.

"Never mind." She pushed ineffectually at his shoulders, but he didn't move off her. "Forget I said it. It's fine. I'm leaving. I get it—"

"No, you don't." He knew he was being a bastard by using his weight to keep her from leaving, but he knew that if she got up, she'd shut him out and disappear from his life. There was no way he could let her run away from him, not before he'd had the chance to make this right.

She glared at him, her chin held stiffly. "I don't what?"

"You don't get it."

"Oh, really? What don't I get?" Her voice was cool and distant, and he knew it was his fault.

Swearing, he struggled to think of how to phrase it. The last thing he wanted was to let her walk out of his life after ten days. It had been only a few days since they'd reconnected, and he couldn't get her out of his mind for even a split second. After another ten days, letting her go would be like carving out his own heart with a pitchfork and leaving it in the hot sun to fry, but he knew he had to do it. She was better than his world, and she didn't deserve to be trapped in his life. He couldn't ask her to stay, but he couldn't go with her, for a whole host of reasons, including the fact that she deserved more than to be saddled with him. There was no future for them, but he, somehow, had to make her understand that it wasn't
her
that was the issue.

"Steen!" She smacked his shoulder lightly. "Let's just let it go. The sex was great. We finally did it. I need to get back to work—"

"Stop it!" He grabbed her wrist, anger roiling through him. "Don't talk like that. It wasn't sex. It was much more than that." Then he paused…sudden fear knifing through him. What if he was wrong? What if he was the only one who'd thought it was more? "Wasn't it? Or was that all it was to you? Sex?"

Her mouth opened, and then closed. Confusion flickered across her face. "I don't understand you. What do you want from me?"

"What do I want?" Swearing, he finally rolled off her. "I don't want anything
from
you. I just wanted to rebuild you after that piece of shit tore you down."

"What?" She sat up and grabbed her bra and shirt from the pile nearby. "That's why you had sex with me? As part of a restoration project or something?"

"Shit, no." He ran his hand through his hair. Hell, he was making a mockery of this. What the hell was he supposed to say to make this right? "I haven't been with a woman in years. It's not worth it to me. There's no other woman on this planet that I would have made love to today except for you. No one."

She paused with her shirt half on, staring at him. "What are you trying to say, Steen? I don't understand."

Swearing, he turned toward her. "The first time I noticed you was on the third day of my junior year. You were in eighth grade, still in middle school, and you crossed the street to the other side when you saw me walking with my friends."

Her eyes narrowed. "You and your friends were loud and obnoxious. You scared me. I always avoided you guys...until you started being different."

Guilt shot through him at the memories of the guy he had once been. "I watched you cross the street, and as soon as you got there, you stopped and knelt down. There was a baby bird that had fallen out of a nest. Do you remember?"

She blinked, her forehead wrinkled in confusion. "You were there that day?"

"Yeah, I was." He'd never forget it either. "You picked it up and made a nest for it on the handlebars of your bike. Then, you rode off down the street with it." He had been so fascinated by the gentle way she'd handled the bird. He'd never seen anyone touch a living creature with such care. "I followed you. I wanted to see where you were going."

Her eyebrows went up. "You
followed
me?"

"Yeah. You went to the nearest vet. They were closed, but you banged on the door until the vet came out. You remember what happened?"

She sat back on her heels. "Of course I do. I argued with her until she took the bird. That's when I decided to be a vet, so I could help animals"

He leaned forward. "No, that's not what happened. What happened was that she said it would cost at least five hundred dollars to treat the bird, and that if you got money from your mother, she would take care of the bird. You said your mother wouldn't pay, so she said she wouldn't help you." He would never forget the absolute determination on Erin's face, or the way she'd clenched her skinny little fists. "You said you'd work for her, and she said you were too young. So, then you said you'd trade your bike."

Erin's eyes widened. "You heard that whole exchange?"

"Hell, yeah. I thought the vet was a bitch for taking your bike. I saw you crying when you handed it over, but you never hesitated. You walked everywhere for the rest of the year." He touched her cheek softly. "You were a rich kid whose parents refused to give you a new bike. You knew that would happen, but you gave your bike away anyway to save that little bird. I'd never seen anyone do anything selfless like that in my life. I had no idea that people like you existed." He wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger. "You changed my worldview that day. There were many times in my life, especially during the last four years, when thinking of you was the only damn thing that kept me going. If you think for one second that I'd ever dishonor you by using your body, then I've completely fucked up, because all I want to do is make you understand that there's no one else in this damn world that matters except for you."

She stared at him, her mouth parted slightly, her shirt still only halfway on. She didn't say anything, and he couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"Don't you get it?" He shook his head, struggling with how to make her understand how much he valued her. "My mother ditched me at my dad's when I was twelve. She'd promised she was going to come back, like she always had before, but this time, she never did. She just disappeared. I didn't belong with my brothers, because they'd grown up there. I believed in her, and she abandoned me to a bastard who kicked the shit out of me. My brothers were almost strangers. I rode horses and played football, trying to be so impressive that I didn't need anyone. And then you showed me that sometimes, people are just kind for no reason at all. Do you understand what you gave me? What you showed me?" He spread his hands, showing all the scars on his knuckles from his father, from sports, and from horses. "This is my life, and yet you make me forget about it all."

He hadn't planned to tell her that she was the foundation that had kept him going his entire life. He knew he hadn't explained it adequately, but he didn't have better words to describe it.

Erin finished pulling her shirt on, then scooted over to him. She sat in front of him, searching his face. "You were the only person who ever,
ever
looked at me like I was special. I didn't know that you saw that thing with the bird, but the expression on your face every time you looked at me was an incredible gift. You're the reason I'm a vet and not a famous doctor. You made me feel like I was worth something just by being me. You never wanted anything from me. Ever. You just smiled at me with kindness."

He framed her face with his hands, the tight ache in his heart easing. "That's all I want," he said softly. "For you to realize how amazing you are. If I can give you that, then I now understand why it wasn't my time to die in that hospital."

Tears filled her eyes. "Why don't you care what happens after ten days? Why doesn't it bother you I'm going to leave? Why don't you want to ask me to stay?"

He closed his eyes against the urge to ask her exactly the same question. Why did she want to leave? Why did she want to return to the world that had treated her so badly? The need to drag her into his world was almost overwhelming, and he had to fight not to do it. Finally, he opened his eyes. She was staring at him, her eyes wide, waiting for his answer.

"I'll break you, if you stay with me," he said finally.

She frowned. "What? What does that mean?"

He brushed the hair back from her face. "My secrets are very bad, Erin. You won't be able to look at me the same way once you know them, and you won't be able to live with them."

She raised her brows. "Why don't you let me make that choice?"

"Because I wouldn't be able to handle it if you looked at me like I was a monster," he said quietly. "The way you look at me is all that gets me through each day. I can't afford to lose that. I can't afford for you to see me the way the rest of the world does. If you stay, you'll find out, and I don't want that."

She bit her lip, searching his face. "You're judging me," she said softly. "You think I can't see past it. That's not believing in me."

"No, it's because I do believe in you." He took her hands. "You deserve more than I could ever give you, and you would realize it. You burn for me because you've never been loved and desired this way. Once you get used to it, you'll be ready for more, for a man who can offer you more than his insatiable need for your body and your soul. I won't trap you in my life." He traced his finger over her mouth. "Sometimes the people who come into your life are supposed to stay in it forever. Other times, their impact on you is what lasts, and they're meant to become a part of your life story, and your past."

Tears brimmed in her eyes, but she pulled back, out of his reach. "I'll never force myself on someone, including you" she said stiffly. "I deserve more. I deserve someone who wants me."

He nodded. "Yeah, you do." He wanted to tell her that
he
was that guy, the one who wanted her with every fiber of his soul, but he didn't. He had to let her go.
He had to.
So he didn't move as she retrieved the rest of her clothes, watching as all that skin disappeared under layers of cotton, designed to shut him out. She climbed down from the rock to get her boots, not even looking at him.

He knew that he was losing her, but he didn't speak up. She needed to be strong enough to walk away from something that wasn't enough for her, so he wasn't going to stop her, but at the same time, he hated the fact that she was walking away hurt. He couldn't stand knowing that he'd hurt her, but as hell was his witness, he didn't want to tell her the truth. He couldn't risk it.

But as she untied her horse and swung up into the saddle, he couldn't stop thinking about whether he could risk not telling her the truth. What if she did understand? What if she was able to see past it? Then, she would understand why he couldn’t be with her, and maybe they could part without her being hurt…and maybe, just maybe…she would still look at him the same way, even knowing exactly who he was. What were the odds? Slim? None? He couldn’t risk it. But at the same time, would he ever forgive himself for not trying?

Erin pushed her horse hard on the way back to the ranch. She buried her hurt in the wind tearing through her hair, and in the sound of Stormy's hooves thundering on the parched ground. She let the strength of the animal fill her, and she let the speed tear a lifetime of vulnerability from her. She hated herself for letting Steen hurt her. She hated Steen for hiding secrets from her. Withholding his truth felt almost as bad as when Louis had withheld physical affection from her, because she'd believed in the connection she and Steen had.

She screamed her frustration as they galloped across the meadow, furious at herself for being so pathetic that she let so many people hurt her and manipulate her. She'd run away from her life and her job to hide out in Wyoming, and yet, she was the same person she'd been in Virginia. She was still afraid to fight for what she wanted. She still let people cut her out. She still cried silent tears when she was hurt.

She didn't want to be like this anymore.

The wind blew the tears from her cheeks as she urged the horse onward, trusting the animal to know the way home.

She was still riding hard when the ranch came into view. She was so startled by the vista that she reined Stormy in so she could get a better look. When they'd ridden away earlier, she hadn't looked back and gotten a good view. But now...it was breathtaking. The ranch house was a picturesque expanse of glass and windows, stretching across the crest of the hill. She could imagine how incredible the view was at sunset, looking out across the land, which seemed to stretch on forever.