A Replacement Life (38 page)

“I am listening with great interest,” Otto said.

“Well, that was my grandfather,” Slava said. “The guy with more. The guy with china from Germany. Do you know what it meant to have china from Germany? West Germany, not East Germany. East German china would have broken before we finished packing. But he didn’t
know how to keep quiet. He was the world’s biggest braggart. He still is. He couldn’t help it. It made everyone angry.”

“So, what are you saying?” Otto said, his forehead creased.

“I like it more when we can talk seriously,” Slava said. “It looks like a joke to you, jumping around, playing investigator, but we are talking about people I love. We are talking about people who have suffered, Mr. Barber. People who eat soup from a tiny can six times a week, and then one day they get something from the synagogue. Even if they are liars, they deserve respect.”

Otto’s face fell. “Mr. Gelman, it is crushing my heart to know that it was received in this spirit. You must forgive—”

“I did forge,” Slava interrupted him. “You have that correct. It’s a relief to say it. But your details are wrong.” He nodded at the stack of applications on the desk. He had forged every one. He could recite sections of many by heart. “I faked only one. I faked my grandfather’s. He was in Uzbekistan, not in the forest. The next morning, he called everyone. Real victims, people who had been in the ghetto, the forest, the camps. Told them I did his and ten others, so they were already behind. You can imagine what a job I had trying to persuade these people, who don’t believe anything, that he was lying. Phone call after phone call, all morning long. Between us, I had a woman in my bed, and not a bad one, and I didn’t even notice her leaving, I was so busy dealing with this. They would not leave me alone. So I made a deal. Even if their stories were real, I would not do it. But I would teach them how to write. That’s why you have the similar phrases, the maneuvers. Do you know what they say about the Russians, Mr. Barber? They don’t make anything, but they copy better than anyone else. The sushi you will have in Moscow is better than the sushi in Tokyo. They followed every rule. They followed the rule to the letter.”

Otto stared, stone-faced.

“I refused all these people because the law, like you said, is the law,” Slava said. “But if you want to know the truth, I wish I hadn’t. Your law is a puddle of rain next to what they went through. Because of your country. Because of you, Otto—because
you
are all that is left of
them
. I didn’t, in the end. Still, I couldn’t say no to my grandfather.
Family.
I hope you can make sense of that.”

Otto leaned against his desk and regarded Slava with an amused, admiring expression. They listened to the noise from the street a dozen stories below. The coffee gleamed blackly from its porcelain cup, an oily penumbra gathering on the surface. Finally, Otto exhaled a long column of air. “I can make sense of it very well, Mr. Gelman,” he said. “It doesn’t change what I have to do. Your grandfather’s application will be denied.”

Slava nodded.

Otto crossed his arms. A strange expression, disdain coupled with merriment, played in his eyes. “Thank you for your honesty,” he said.

“It didn’t come simply,” Slava said.

Otto smiled mournfully. “I have learned a lot from you, Mr. Gelman. You are free.”

At his dining room table, returned to its habitually abridged position, the
wings retracted and folded, Grandfather was counting pills: powder-blue ramipril, white meclizine, pink clopidogrel. Each set corresponded to an envelope stuffed with prescriptions. Grandfather slid several pills from one pile to another, noted it on a torn piece of paper, licked his finger.

Slava had come directly from Otto’s office. It was easier to be here, in front of Grandfather, than far away. A brief rain had fallen, then settled into a cool evening, the air carrying the impending decay of leaves. In the kitchen, Berta was slicing and dicing, preserving and pickling for the long winter ahead.

“What is all this?” Slava asked Grandfather.

Grandfather finished writing down a figure. “You have to know how to make money,” he said without looking up.

“How?” Slava said. If you taunted him—if you said, No, it’s impossible, no one could do this—you could get out of him any answer you wanted.

“How,” he snorted. Then, in his
forshpeis
English, he said, “I no steal, okay?”

“So you knew English the whole time,” Slava said. “You could have written your own letter.”

Grandfather picked up a box of prostate tea and began to demonstrate his English. “No shoogar. No gloo-ten.” He squinted. “No pre-zer-va-tiv. What is that?”

“No chemicals.”

“Hm.” He put the box down skeptically.

Berta appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, one plate heaped with fruit, the other with pastries. “Time for snacks, young men,” she said. “Fortify yourselves.”

“You are an angel, Bertochka,” Grandfather said. To Slava: “She’s an angel.”

“Food is the way to a man’s heart,” Berta affirmed, laughing.

“We did notice, Slavchik, you’ve been coming around more often.” Grandfather winked, and he and Berta laughed. Slava joined in, reaching for a triangle of pastry.

“Excuse the interruption, men, I’m back to the kitchen,” she said.

“Somebody had a date with Vera Rudinsky,” Grandfather said matter-of-factly. He winked again.

Slava laughed because there was nothing else to do.

“Nice place?” Grandfather said.

If Slava said yes, Grandfather would be envious. If he said no, Grandfather would put her down. Slava said nothing.

“So, how was it?” Grandfather winked.

“None of your business,” Slava said kindly. “Nothing happened.”

“You went to her apartment and nothing happened?”

“Yes. Nothing happened. We talked and I left.”

Grandfather’s face fell. “Slavik,” he whispered, gold teeth glittering through his scowl. “Tell me that’s not true.”

“It’s true,” Slava said.

Grandfather’s face turned dark. “Slava, for God’s sake. You went to a girl’s house and nothing happened?”

Slava said nothing, only waited. Let it come.

“I won’t believe it,” Grandfather said. “Tell me the truth. You—” He smacked his fist into his palm. “You did, right? Like a man?”

Slava watched the pain in his grandfather’s face for a long moment. “I did,” he lied. “Like a man.”

“Attaboy!” Grandfather shouted. He yelled out to Berta in the kitchen, “Watch out for this one, girls! He’s no kind of homo!” He turned to look at Slava in triumph, but Slava couldn’t bear to look at him and looked away coldly. Grandfather’s triumphant expression faded into remorse. He would never understand his grandson. With a thick finger, he began pushing around invisible crumbs on the oilcloth.

Finally, Slava rose, the feet of the chair making a loud noise on the parquet. Grandfather looked like a boy regretful for having made another mistake. He had seen Slava three times in a month, three times more than in the year before, and now his mouth would send Slava away once more. Send him away for reasons he would never grasp, but send him away all the same, that much he understood.

But it wouldn’t. Slava walked over to Grandfather’s side of the table and laid his arm around the old man’s head. Grandfather reached up and squeezed Slava’s hand. “Love you,” Grandfather burbled in English through the tears in his throat.

Love you. I no steal.

The Bratislavan in Arianna’s foyer was relieved to see Slava so early in the
evening this time. He beamed, a crooked molar showing. “Nice!” he roared, pointing outside. “Cool down!” Slava pushed out a smile and hauled himself up the stairs. Someone was baking: The staircase was thick with butter and sugar and heat. Again he stood mincing in front of her door. Again he listened for noise on the other side like an intruder. Did he come here only for absolution? That wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to tell the truth, if only to one person.

He could hear music rising electronically from her laptop, her voice joining occasionally. Now and again, she addressed the cat. At last, he knocked. She opened the door and lowered and
raised her eyes quickly—she did this when she was nervous. Often she didn’t announce what she was feeling, so he had to decode on his own. He got it wrong many times, but many times right, not meaningless considering they had known each other so briefly. Six weeks before, she was a voluptuous shadow on the other side of the wall.

“It’s from here,” he said, sniffing.

“I bake when I’m anxious,” she said. “Come in?”

He stepped inside and embraced her. He tasted all the ingredients on her tongue: lemon cake. Again her eyes fell and rose. When this happened, her face acquired an unkind crease around the lips, as if she resented him for having to become uncomfortable: If he understood what she wanted to know, he should just tell her.

“I didn’t,” he said.

She drew back. “What do you mean?”

“Or I did, but not exactly.” He worked the dome of his head into the crook of her arm. She pushed him away and lifted his face to hers. She called out his name. It was a question.

The cat offered its diversionary services, parking the front paws on the side of Slava’s right knee and staring up expectantly, what for only the cat knew. Slava forfeited the out and motioned to the couch. There, he told her what he had said to Otto Barber.

He had expected her sympathy, but none appeared on her face. “That wasn’t what we talked about,” she said coldly.

He rubbed his eyes.

“Slava, you promised. You swore. You said it yourself. We agreed.”

“It had nothing to do with you,” he objected.

“But then you forced me into it. You could have left me out of it, but you came here, you pulled me into it. Did you know? Did you already know what you were going to do when you promised me?”

“If I had kept lying, you would have felt even more betrayed. But because I told you, I forced you into it?”

“You’re right, Slava, this situation is so unfair to you. You try to do the right thing, but the world won’t notice.”

He groaned.

“Did you know what you were going to do when you promised me you would tell the truth?” she said. “Just tell me that. Did you come here simply to share the burden?”

“No,” he said. “I don’t think so. I’m—” He felt a great unhappiness rising within him. “I’m trying to be honest.”

“It doesn’t matter, does it,” she said despondently. “Whenever you did know, you didn’t come to me. You didn’t tell me.”

“Probably I didn’t know until I walked into his office,” he said. “I’m telling you now. Arianna,
please.”

“Oh, I know,” she yelped, and covered her face.

She crossed her legs and looked outside while her teeth worked the edge of her nails. He had never seen her do that. In the window, an old tree swayed tentatively in a light wind. A finger-sized bird, iridescent with emerald plumage, skidded onto a branch, unshamed by its meagerness from setting the bulb of its head at a magnificent angle. The branch swayed a little in answer. Unlike Slava’s windows, which looked into a courtyard, Arianna’s faced into the city. He felt quieter but lonelier at his place.

“Please go,” she said. “I’m not strong enough to insist on it.”

“Arianna,” he whispered. “No.”

“I love when you call out my name,” she said. “You do it rarely. You called it out during sex once . . . I knew it was because you were so gone, you’d forgotten I was there. I loved that.”

He was on the floor beside her again. “Arianna, it’s over. Don’t you see?”

Her face twitched and she drew a finger under one eye. “Don’t
you
see? You didn’t take me with you into that room. We agreed you would tell the truth. But you didn’t. At the last moment, you changed your mind. You left me at the door, you looked only after yourself. But how else could it be? You’ve been answering to someone for so long. Oh, why are these things impossible to see in advance. You’re not up to this now, Slava. And I don’t want you like this. Please go.”

His insides drained. He wobbled, trying to stand up. He had become so accustomed to her understanding that he didn’t know what to do when she withheld it. He scratched out her name, all he could say.

“I can’t do this with you now,” she said. “Tomorrow we’ll talk—next week. Please go. Be kind to me and go.”

“You’re not a Boy Scout, Arianna,” he mumbled. “Pick and choose? You don’t care about the rules.”

“Don’t I?” she said. “I do care about the rules, Slava. The rules that we have with each other, I do.”

He felt bewilderment. How could he know that
this
rule, for her, was the unbreakable one? There were so many others that didn’t matter. He could follow instructions—he would now, he would—but not without receiving them in the first place! Once again, he felt himself in the presence of information only he didn’t understand. Everyone was slightly embarrassed that he didn’t.

“You know, Slava,” she said without looking at him, “when it started and we disagreed all the time, I liked it. I’d rather disagree with someone who’s interesting. Also because those disagreements felt like the frosting; underneath we were the same. But I was wrong, Slava. We are different—all the way through.”

“But I want to be like you.”

“But I’m not looking for a student. And you are not looking for a teacher.” She sighed heavily and walked to her bureau. When she returned, she held an old issue of
Century
. “Happy freedom,” she said.

It was the issue from all those years ago, the first issue of
Century
he had come across, in the Hunter library.

“I stole it,” she said. “From the archive.” She laughed barbarously.

He didn’t want to—if he took it, he was agreeing to something. But he didn’t dare disobey. His heart curdled at the foxed feel of the old, tawny pages.

“‘Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away,’” she said bitterly.

He called out her name again, but she looked at him with such a helpless, crazed expression that he understood the loving thing would be to go. Holding the magazine, he did.