A Restored Man (12 page)

He looked up and saw the worry filling Ty's eyes.
Fuck!
His head was messed up and now he was screwing with Ty's mood. "Sorry."

Ty quickly glanced at the wall clock then returned his focus to Cole. "I have to go," he said, and rubbed his palms together harder than usual. "I thought you wanted to work with the exotics?"

"I do." Cole paused, trying to sort the thoughts racing in his mind. He was thankful he had the job and appreciated the opportunity. Working with the high-end sports cars was a dream and he knew it. He looked up and saw a mix of emotions skate across Ty's face. "But I'd rather work with you."

He turned and walked away, hoping the pain in his chest would ease before he met with the new team.

Cole sat on the living room couch, filling out the request form to attend his mother's birthday party next weekend. The first family gathering in almost three years had him on edge. He had tried to work off some of his nervous energy by lifting weights with Julian, but all that left him with were strained muscles to add to his nerves. He was too tense. He didn't even want to think of the frustration he battled at a hint of a thought of Ty.

"What am I supposed to fill out for this?" Cole asked, leaning over toward Julian who was forever writing in his notebook.

Julian craned his neck to look at the paper. "If you're planning on staying at your mom's for that weekend, she'll be responsible for you so her info goes there."

Cole scratched his head through his beanie. "Um, can I still go to her birthday party if I don't plan on staying with her that weekend?" He was excited about seeing the whole family again, but didn't want to push his luck by overstaying his welcome.

Julian looked at him and cocked his head. "You don't want to stay with your mom that weekend?"

Cole shook his head and continued to fill out the form. "So I just put your info there then?"

"Cole?"

Cole reluctantly met Julian's fierce crystal green stare. "You know, the power of that glare sorta wears off after a while," he said, trying to ignore the lingering question.

"Don't change the subject."

"I didn't realize this was up for discussion," Cole said, returning his focus to the form. "Should I be filling out a special request pass instead?"

"The special pass will grant you only four hours. So you might cut it too close. Just do it for the weekend to make sure you're covered."

Cole nodded and continued with the form.

"Cole?"

Cole groaned, dramatically. Julian would keep pushing until he sucked the information from Cole like a fucking leech.
This is what it must feel like when I nag him
. "Yes, I want to see my family. Yes, I miss my mom and she's excited about seeing me. Yes, I want to see my brothers and sister. No, I don't want to stay there because I don't want to be there long enough to fuck up the warm and fuzzy feeling of seeing me again. Is that it?"

Julian put his notebook down and turned to face him on the couch. "You won't fuck up the warm and fuzzy. She calls you every day just to see how you're doing. It's obvious she loves you."

Cole tugged at the seam of his jeans. "I know. I just don't want to disappoint her again."

"You won't. You've got a job. You're straightening out your act." Julian pulled down the front of Cole's beanie. "You're talking back a lot less," he said with a rare smile.

Cole straightened his beanie. "I haven't been able to send her any more money. It's the one thing I was able to do for her that none of my brothers or sister did. So I don't know—"

"What money?"

Cole shrugged. "I used to send her money, nothing big enough to raise any red flags from anyone, including her. That's why she never had a clue what I did. I stopped when I went in."

Julian's scowl deepened. "She just wants to know you're okay. This is the first time she's going to see you since your release and that's because you don't want her to come here. She's even asked
me
if she can visit here, but I'm respecting your wishes. So it's about
you
, not the money. She's just really worried prison changed you."

Cole sighed, hoping he wouldn't disappoint her again.

"Do I want to know where the money came from?" Julian asked.

Cole half smiled. "No, you don't. Plausible deniability."

Julian rubbed his shaved head.

Cole chuckled. "Hey, I'm a car thief…a damn good one. I'd be an idiot if I burned through all the money I earned over the years. I'm not as dumb as I look. I'm just a great actor."

"You
were
a car thief. And you're right, I don't want to know," Julian mumbled.

"No, you don't. I have a stash but I can't touch the money for a while until the heat on me wears off."

Julian plugged his ears with his fingers. "I don't want to know." He waited a few moments then picked up his notebook again and resumed his notes or whatever the hell he did in that damn notebook of his. "So what did you get her for her birthday? You can't walk in there empty-handed."

"You," Cole said, setting down the papers on the center table.

That seemed to grab Julian's attention. "What?"

"I need you to go with me to the party," Cole said, tugging his beanie.

"Why me?"

Cole sighed. "Is it because I forgot to say
please
?"

"No, it's because you haven't told me why." Julian's brow lowered. "If Matt says it's okay, then I'll go."

Cole poked Julian on his side. "You need to ask for permission?"

Julian smacked Cole behind his head. "It's called respect, you prick. I'm not the one asking for a chaperone to go visit mommy."

Cole rubbed the back of his head. "Touché," he said, looking at Julian with a scowl. He leaned back on the couch and yelled toward the stairwell. "Hey, Matt!"

Julian looked upward and sighed. "Why don't you go up the stairs and talk to him like a normal human being?"

"What is it?" Matt's voice echoed throughout the house as he yelled his response.

Julian rubbed his shaved head and leaned his head back on the couch.

Cole snickered. "Can I take J out on a date?" he yelled.

Julian looked over. "I've asked you not to call me that," he said calmly.

Matt came down the stairs slowly, each step measured, determined, and firm. "I must have misunderstood you," he said in a steady tone with a fire burning in his bright blue eyes Cole hadn't ever seen. It almost mirrored Aidan's
I'm-going-to-kill-you-slow
look.

Julian burst into laughter. "Cole, this is one of those times when you really need to think very carefully about what you want to say. So you better do a pause times two if you want to keep your important parts intact."

Cole stilled, his eyes shifting back and forth between Matt and Julian. "Uh…"

Matt crossed his arms and glared. He had obviously learned a trick or two from Julian.

Cole fidgeted.

Julian covered his mouth with his precious notebook but couldn't hide the enjoyment of the moment in his eyes.
Fucker
.

Cole blew out a deep breath. "You guys are wigging me out. I don't want either of you. Matt, you're too…I don't know, too perfect and preppy. And you, Mr. Green Glare," he said to Julian. "I don't want you either. It'd give me the creeps. You're like my brother. That's why I want you to go with me. You're a spitting image of my older brother Marco…except for your shaved head. I think it would mean a lot to my mom if she saw you there and just had a little bit of time with you because she didn't get a chance to say good-bye to my brother before he died. Now feel free to kick my ass if needed. My face has already healed up so why not add some more color." He crossed his arms and scowled.

Matt deflated. He walked around the couch and sat next to Cole. "I didn't know you had an older brother who died. Why didn't you say anything about him?"

Cole threw his head back on the couch. "This. This is exactly why I didn't want to say anything. I don't want to talk about it."

"How and when did he die?" Julian asked, obviously not caring about Cole's lack of desire to discuss the issue.

Cole looked over to Julian. "Two and half years ago. He died in Afghanistan."

"Were you guys close?" Julian asked.

"You are a persistent son of a bitch, aren't you? You're like him even in that respect. Yes, he was my best friend. When he was home, we did everything together—except steal cars, of course. He joined the army because he said I always looked at him as if he was a hero so he wanted to make it official. So there. Happy now?" He hated this. Hated remembering the guilt that gnawed away at him every day.

"I'll go," Julian said and resumed writing in his notebook.

Cole raised an eyebrow but sure as hell wasn't going to push the point now that he had what he wanted. He didn't need to pause to know that.

Matt patted Cole's knee, kissed Julian and retreated upstairs again.

Cole pulled the laces on his boots, untying and retying them. Repeatedly.

"It's driving you nuts, isn't it? Not knowing why I said yes without waiting for Matt to say something?" Julian said absently as he continued to write in his notebook.

Cole couldn't stand it anymore. "What the hell do you write in that fucking notebook every day?"

Julian closed the notebook and looked at Cole. "You get one question before I go upstairs. Choose wisely."

Cole chewed his lip. He wanted to know what was in that notebook, but dammit, he hated when Julian was right. "Why did you say yes?"

Julian half smiled. "The way you are with me, it's the same way I was with my older brother. Your personality is a mirror image of the way he was. He was carefree, always laughing. Ironically, his name was Nick which is part of the reason why I refuse to call you by your given name. When he died, a part of me died with him." He looked away for a moment and blew out a breath. He waited a few seconds before resuming. "I was so angry. I almost did some really stupid shit but didn't because my mom was all I had left worth saving and I couldn't do that to her."

"What was it that you almost did?" Cole asked.

Julian looked at him and pursed his lips. "You've used up your question quota for the night."

"Jerk," Cole mumbled.

Julian tugged on Cole's beanie again. "I'm guessing you were angry about losing your brother and that's why you got in trouble or careless enough to get caught. The timing is too perfect. So I get it. You feel as if he was ripped from your life and there were so many things unsaid. I know I'm not your brother and I know that
you know
I'm not him. But somehow, driving me batshit crazy makes you remember the time you guys had together. And you want to give your mom that same feeling, a chance to have a little more time, even if for just an hour or two," he finished, with a softer look in his eyes. "I get it." He grabbed his notebook and rose from the couch.

Cole straightened his beanie, trying to stave off the tightness in his throat and the pressure in his chest. He closed his eyes, and inhaled a shaky breath, trying not to let Julian's words reach the thoughts he tried so hard to hide. It wasn't fair. Everyone had loved Marco, his laughter, his spirit. Marco was the glue that held his family together and brightened everyone's life. Marco was the tape that bound Cole to his family, the one who always made him feel as if he fit in just as he was.

And now, Marco was gone because of him.

Julian wrapped his arm around Cole's shoulders from behind. "It's not your fault he died," he whispered by Cole's ear.

Cole opened his eyes and looked ahead at no particular point on the wall in front of him. "I hate you," he said in a broken whisper as his vision blurred.
I hate how much you sound like him, talk like him, walk like him. I hate how much you always remind me of how much I miss him and how much I need him.
He felt a kiss at the top of his head, yet another gesture that mirrored his brother's actions. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. Pain speared through his chest and the pounding of his heart echoed in his ears.

"I hate you too," Julian whispered.

Cole gripped the edge of the cushions as Julian's steps faded up the stairs. He stayed as still as he could, trying not to let his carefully crafted façade crumble. He held his breath and tried to think of a song, something, anything to calm the rising storm of emotions.

This was the first time anyone had told him it
wasn't
his fault.

Cole sat there, as steady as he could, and let the tears he had held back for over two years, finally escape.