A Rocker and a Hard Place (5 page)

Emma

I settled on the couch on the opposite end from Tyler. He wanted to know everything and I owed it to him to tell him all that I could remember. So I started at the beginning
.

Tyler broke up with me over the phone. I had sensed a distance between us in the last few months, but I had thought that was just part of the long-distance relationship. I never thought he would break up with me. I was devastated for months.

My new friends at college just didn’t understand. They’d all been through breakups themselves and after a few weeks, they started dating again. It was part of life. For me, it didn’t feel the same. Tyler was ‘the one,’ I knew, and I had just lost him. Even worse, I didn’t understand why.

But eventually I pretended to get over it. I started dating, though nobody serious. And I threw myself into school. I always planned to go to law school and become an attorney and now I had nothing to distract me from that goal. By the time graduation had rolled around, I had an acceptance at the Uni
versity of Chicago’s law school firmly in my hand.

Dad came up for the graduation ceremony, looking tired but proud. I knew he hadn’t been feeling great lately, but he put on a good front for me. My friends and I all posed for lots of pictures and cheered loudly as each name was called to receive their diploma. It was a happy day.

Later than night, Dad had gone back to Salvation and my roommates and I headed out to a party. The school was sponsoring a graduation celebration and they had even brought in a secret big name performer. Everyone speculated who it might be, but no one could have guessed that it would be someone from my past.

The minute Tyler started playing, everything came rushing back to me. Our story- our love- everything. I couldn’t breathe.
I swayed unsteadily next to the stage and several people turned to make sure I was okay. Tyler noticed, his eyes drifting toward me. When they finally landed on my face, he had no reaction.

I wanted to run away, but my legs wouldn’t work. I was rooted there- glued by his voice and lyrics. Every song seemed to be written for me or about me. It was like he was telling everyone our story, right up to the part where he tossed our love away.

As soon as the last note ended, I turned and ran. It took effort to push my way through the crowd, but I made it out of the roped-in area and started running across the quad. I had no idea how Tyler managed to catch up with me, but suddenly he was grabbing my arm.

“Emma, wait.”

I didn’t want to see him. We hadn’t spoken in three-and-a-half years. I had finally gotten over him. Nothing he said to me would make any difference.

But then I looked at him, and I was a goner.

“Tyler.”

He smiled, that stupid, perfect smile that made me want to kiss him. “I was hoping you would be here tonight.”

“You shouldn’t be here,” I said. “I’m over you.”

“I’m not over you,” he said, sounding very much like he was telling the truth. “I saw you graduate this morning. I’m proud of you, Emma.”

“You were there?”

He nodded. “You worked so hard to get to that moment, I felt I had to be there.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me.” He frowned. “I couldn’t take that risk. I had to see you.”

“Why?”

“So I could tell you that I still love you. Breaking up with you was the biggest mistake of my life.” He looked so broken, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I forgave him. But I didn’t.

I kept my tone harsh. “You destroyed me, Tyler.”

“I know.”

“I don’t trust you anymore.”

“I know.”

I said something that I knew would hurt him as much as he hurt me. “I’ve hated you for the last three-and-a-half years. But I’m happy now. My life is good without you in it.”

“I know.” He blinked hard and looked away. “I’m glad you’re happy.”

We stood silently for a minute, adjusting to a world where the two of us could be inches apart, but have miles of distance between us.

“You’ve been doing well,” I said at last, noting that he was now a famous musician. I really was happy for him.

He nodded absently. “It’s been quite a ride.”

“It’s what you always wanted,” I reminded him.

“No, it’s not.” He grabbed both of my hands and held them tight. “What I always wanted was you. I know that now. I would give up everything else for just one more night with you.”

I had no reason to believe him. He could’ve been saying those things just to make himself feel better about what he had done to me.

But he was still my Tyler, and I did believe him.

“Okay,” I said. He flinched, surprised. “You can have one night.”

Tyler made the most of that night. We walked around campus and talked. He told me about his new life, traveling the country and attending fabulous parties. I told him about my plan to move to Chicago and become a lawyer. We walked and talked until I was too exhausted to keep going.

I invited him back to my apartment, knowing that we would make love. He was just as wonderful as I remembered and I felt myself falling in love with him all over again.

He had an early flight and he snuck out of my bed quietly. A soft kiss and a gentle stroke of my cheek. The front door slammed and I missed him already. He left his number on a piece of paper propped carefully on the pillow next to me. I stared at it a long time and then tore it into a dozen pieces and threw it away.

I couldn’t be in love with Tyler. My heart couldn’t take losing him again.

Two months later, a blue line on a stick told me that I would be a mother. Without his number, I had no easy way of letting him know. Sure, if I had really wanted to, I probably could’ve tracked him down. But a week after I found out the news, my father got sick and was rushed to the hospital. I spent the next few months taking care of him and preparing for the baby.

Law school was out of the question. Someone needed to run the store while my father recovered. I hoped that it would just be for a while. I would keep things going until he was back on his feet, and then I’d take the baby to Chicago with me. I would find a way to make it work.

Dad wanted me to tell Tyler about the baby. He thought that Tyler had a right to know. But Tyler was busy living his own life, very publicly. He was in the tabloids every week with a new girl on his arm. He was arrested more than once, and it seemed that he was developing quite a drinking problem. He was also on a world tour that would keep him out of the country for at least a year. I couldn’t ask him to change all of that for a baby he never wanted.

Life as a single mother wasn’t all bad. Little T.J. was the best thing that ever happened to me.
My dad was suffering from kidney failure and he needed help running the store. I had a purpose, even if it wasn’t the one I had planned. My life wasn’t perfect, but it was good.

When Dad died a few years ago, I was already settled into my new life and it was a pretty good fit. T.J. was in school and had friends. I made a living running the store. Occasionally, I even had a personal life. Things were going just fine, until Tyler Cole rolled back into town.

“Does he know about me?” Tyler asked when I was done with my story. It had taken two hours to tell him the whole thing and we had finished the entire pot of coffee.

“Not really, no.”

“Were you ever planning to tell him?”

“Yes. After I told you.” I didn’t tell him that I hadn’t planned
on telling either of them anytime soon.

“I want to be involved in his life,
Em. Now that I know about him, I need be part of his life.” Tyler was mostly sober by now and I knew that he meant what he said.

I ran a hand through my hair, wondering if I looked as tired as I felt. “Okay. We’ll tell him. Together. When the time is right.”

Tyler nodded. “Will you tell me about him? What’s he like?”

“He has your smile,” I said. “I can’t resist it, just like I could never resist yours.”

Tyler gave me that exact smile. “What else?”

“Hang on.” I got to my feet, wobbling a bit from having been still for so long. In my bedroom, I pulled out a blue box. I went back to the living room and sat next to Tyler. “This is a box of some stuff I kept over the years. Whenever I did decide to tell you, I thought you might want this.”

He took it from me and settled it on his lap. I watched as he opened the lid, feeling anxious. This box contained the first ten years of T.J.’s life. It was my most prized possession.

“That’s his baby book. I wrote in it all the time when I was pregnant and then after he was born.”

“What was his first word?” Tyler opened the book slowly, like he was afraid it would crumble in his hands.

I laughed. “No.”

“No?” Tyler laughed now. “That sounds like you.”

The book contained my notes, but also pictures of T.J. His sonogram was inside, as was a locket of hair from his first haircut. Even then, his dark hair matched his father’s perfectly.

“He was a beautiful baby,” Tyler said wistfully. I knew that he was thinking about how much he had missed and that he would never have a chance to get those years back.

I stayed silent as he flipped through the book, lost in his thoughts. When he finished, he set the book aside and reached for the next item in the box.

“What’s this?” he asked, holding up a stack of cards.

“Father’s Day cards,” I explained. “I had him write one to you each year. Well, I wrote the first few for him, but the rest are all him.”

Tyler looked at me, completely unguarded. A tear dropped from his eye and he didn’t wipe it away. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“I never wanted to keep you from each other,” I said, feeling myself begin to cry yet again. “I just didn’t want you to resent us someday if we made you give up your dream. It felt like the right thing to do at the time.”

“I know, Em. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.” Tyler set the cards back in the box and placed it carefully on the floor.

When he reached for me, I melted
into his arms. It had been over ten years since we had last held each other, the night that T.J. was conceived, but in many ways it felt like neither of us had ever really let go.

Tyler

By the time I left Emma’s, the sun was already beginning to rise. It had been an exhausting, but necessary, discussion. I had T.J.’s box tucked under my arm and to me it felt more important than anything I had ever held.

I can’t say that I had completely forgiven Emma for not telling me about my son. I would never get those years back, never know what it’s like to hold your son as a newborn. I didn’t get to see him crawl, or walk for the first time. I missed his first word and his first day of school. But I understood why Emma had done it. For so long, I had been living a reckless life. A child didn’t belong in that world.

But I also knew without a doubt that I was done with that life. I needed to make up for lost time, and I need to start
now.

The porch was still in the early stages, so I entered the house through the garage and headed straight to the living room. Very slowly, I began to go through every item inside the box. I wanted to learn as much as I could about T.J.

According to his birth certificate, he was born February 13
th
at a healthy 7lbs and 4ozs. His full name was Tyler James Cole Wellington. 22 inches long. Brown hair, green eyes. Ten fingers, ten toes. A perfect baby.

I studied the picture taken just hours after his birth, searching for any traces of myself in that beautiful child. My name was listed
on the birth certificate next to Emma’s as the parents of little T.J. When Emma made that decision, she had to know that one day T.J. would see my name and ask about me.

I went through Emma’s book again, reading every word. She had craved chocolate ice cream while she was pregnant and she’d had trouble sleeping at night. T.J. h
ad been a good sleeper, and he’d learned to walk early.

Next, I moved onto the cards. The first ones were in Emma’s handwriting and she wrote directly to me, thanking me for giving her such a wonderful gift. The fourth one was mostly crayon scratches, with Emma’s translation: I love you, Daddy.

The next were all T.J.- brief phrases in hesitant penmanship. They were beautiful.

More photos
of the boy, seemingly from every day of his life. I couldn’t get enough of them. Pictures that he had drawn, report cards from school, and notes on torn pieces of paper.

“T.J.
rode his bike of the first time today.”

“T.J. caught his first fish.”

The dates were scribbled on each note and I was able to put together a timeline of my son’s life.

Emma called while I saw still pouring over every detail. She wanted me to come over for dinner, if I was up for it. I could spend some time with T.J. I immediately said yes, then started to agonize.

Sure, T.J. and I had technically already met. At least unofficially. But this time I knew I was meeting my son, and I wanted to make a good impression. I felt like I needed to take him a gift, but I didn’t exactly have time to run out and buy anything. Then I remembered something from one of Emma’s more recent notes.

I showed up at Emma
’s with a fistful of flowers from Glenn’s yard. His wife had happily helped me put the arrangement together. After smoothing down my hair, I knocked softly.

Emma answered, looking even more beautiful than I remembered. Her hair was freshly washed and I could smell the remnants of shampoo. In simple cutoffs and white tank top, she looked young and fresh.

“For you,” I said, handing her the flowers. I felt old and worn compared to her.

She stepped aside so I could enter the house and brushed my arm lightly with her hand. “He doesn’t know yet, okay? I want him to get to know you first.”

I nodded. It wasn’t time to tell him about me yet. “I understand.”

T.J. was in the living room, completely tuned in to a video game that involved racing cars. He didn’t look up when we entered.

“Teej. Put it on pause. We have company.”

T.J. sighed dramatically and paused the game. When he saw me standing next to his mom, a grin spread over his face. “I know you.”

“Yeah. I know you, too.”

Emma led the introductions. “T.J., this is my friend, Tyler.”

“Tyler?” He looked me up and down. “That’s my name.”

“I know. It’s a good name.” I sat next to him on the couch. “What are you playing?”

He shrugged. “Some racing game. I’m not very good at it.” His little face fell.

“You’re better than me, I’m sure. Can I play with you?” I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Sure.” He handed me a controller and got the game set up for us.

“I’ll go get dinner started,” Emma said.

I glanced at her, wondering what it felt like for her to finally see the two of us together. She smiled at me and nodded, like everything was just right for the first time.

T.J. was shy at first, just like I had been at that age. But he warmed up to me after I let him beat me a few times. He started talking about his friends at school and his baseball team. I gladly accepted when he invited me to their next game. I learned that he liked
to read- something that he had definitely inherited from his mother.

When dinner was almost ready, he skipped ahead to set the table. He was well-mannered and helpful, the product of good parenting.

“He’s a great kid,” I said to Emma as I helped her carry the food to the dining room. “You’ve done a good job.”

“He’s an easy kid,” she said with a laugh. “He’s too shy to get into much trouble. He definitely got that from you.”

“My early years,” I agreed. I’d certainly been in my fair share of trouble recently.

E
mma set the casserole dish on the table and looked around to make sure everything was just right. “I hope you aren’t doing one of those weird Hollywood diets.”

“Diet? Me?”

She laughed. “Fair enough. I made my mom’s lasagna. It’s T.J.’s favorite.”

“Sounds good.”

As good as the food was, I could barely eat it. I was busy watching T.J., listening to his animated stories about playing capture the flag with the neighborhood kids. Tonight was going to be an epic event, and he was determined to be the one that got the flag.

“You need to stop talking and eat,” Emma told him when he hadn’t taken a bite after ten minutes of chattering. She turned to me. “He’s not usually such a chatterbox.”

“Tyler likes to fish, too, Mom. He said maybe he could take me out to the pond sometime if you say it is okay.” T.J. wisely took a giant bite of lasagna.

“We’ll see.” Emma moved vegetables around her plate with a fork, but she had eaten even less than T.J. “Don’t forget that you’re going to camp in a couple of weeks.”

T.J. groaned. “Do I have to? They make me do all these activities and they get mad at me when I skip them to read.”

“You need to go. It’s good for you to be around other kids.”

“I’m around other kids all the time. I’d rather go fishing with Tyler.” T.J. piled in more food, inhaling more than chewing it.

“What have we talked about, T.J.?”

Another groan. “You’re the mom and you’re always right.”

“Exactly.” Emma smiled. “You’re the first guy in my life to ever figure that out.”

I laughed, feeling a twinge in my chest that I didn’t quite understand. Hearing Emma talk about having someone else in her life reminded me that she was unavailable. She hadn’t mentioned Connor since that first time, but that didn’t mean he was out of the picture.

“Maybe T.J. and I can go fishing next weekend, if that’s okay with you? It would give you some time to yourself, or to spend with someone else.” It wasn’t very subtle, but I didn’t care. I wanted to know exactly where I stood.

“Oh. Yeah, I guess that could be good.” She looked momentarily confused. “I think Connor wanted to make plans, so that might work.”

“Ugh. Connor.” T.J. muttered around a bite mouthful of food.

Emma’s eyes darted to him. “What’s wrong with Connor?”

“He’s boring.” T.J. tossed down his fork. “He doesn’t like baseball, or fishing, or anything else cool.”

“Sounds pretty lame,” I agreed and Emma shot me a hard look

“He’s a perfectly nice guy.” She didn’t put a lot of emotion into her defense of Connor. “He is a little serious, yes, but that doesn’t make him a bad guy.”

T.J. fidgeted in his chair. “I’m done. Can we go play games now?”

“We should probably help your mom with dishes first, right?” It seemed like something a dad would say.

T.J. jumped to his feet and started grabbing the plates. “Fine, but you have to help, too.”

I helped him carry everything to the kitchen while Emma sat back with a smile on her face.
Her phone rang as I cleared the last of the dishes and she took the phone into the other room.

“Connor,” T.J. confirmed with a frown.

“Is he really that bad?” I asked, watching Emma through the doorway. She was smiling, though it wasn’t the same smile she gave me.

T.J. grabbed my hand and started pulling me back to the living room. “He’s alright. I just don’t think he likes me as much as he likes my mom.”

“That’s impossible,” I said, completely biased. But I could understand another man being hesitant to take on a woman with a ten-year-old. “Hey, I just remembered- I have a present for you in my car.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Wait here.”

Emma was in the living room with T.J. when I returned. Her face betrayed no clues as to what the call might have been about.

“Is that a guitar?” T.J. asked, eyeing the case I was holding.

I held it up. “Yeah. It was just lying around my house and I remembered that your mom mentioned you wanted to learn how to play.”

“Awesome!”

“I tuned it up. It might be a little big for you, but you’ll grow into it.”

The guitar had been my first one and I hadn’t been much older than T.J. when Emma taught me how to play it. It seemed fitting that it should belong to our son.

I got T.J. settled on the couch and placed it in his lap. He ran his hands over the strings, eyes full of wonder.

“That’s an amazing gift, Tyler,” Emma said.

She remembered the guitar, knew how much it meant to me.

“It was just sitting around collecting dust. It should be played.” I helped T.J. hold it the proper way and showed him how to strum the chords.

“Do you know how to play?” T.J. asked.

“I sure do.” I looked at Emma. “Your mom taught me when I saw just a little older than you.”

“Really?” The surprise with which he looked at Emma told me that she had never played in front of him. That made me sad.

It bothered Emma, too, and she left the room.

T.J. detected something was wrong. “Why haven’t you been around in the past? If you used to be friends with my mom, why haven’t you ever come around?”

“I don’t live in town anymore.” I couldn’t look away from his unwavering stare. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen your mom.”

“I think she likes having you around,” T.J. admitted, turning his attention back to the guitar. “She’s been smiling a lot more lately. And I think she’s been avoiding Connor’s calls.”

“You’re pretty nosy for a ten-year-old,” I said, smiling.

T.J. strummed the strings loudly several times. “I want my mom to be happy. Connor doesn’t make her happy.” He stopped playing again and looked at me. “You make her happy.”

“I don’t know if that’s true, T.J.” I thought about how less than 24 hours ago we had been sitting in this room with her crying her eyes out.

“I’ve
gotta go. It’s starting to get dark which means it is prime capture the flag time.”

I helped T.J. put the guitar back in its case. When we were done, T.J. said, “I love the guitar. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” I was still kneeling next to where he stood and he turned and threw his arms around me.

It stunned me, almost as much as my body’s natural response to hug him
back.

T.J. broke away, anxious to find his friends. I was frozen in that spot, still astounded that I had just hugged my son for the first time.

“You’re a natural,” Emma said.

I hadn’t even heard her enter the room.
She expected me to say something back, but I was speechless.

“Ty, are you okay?” Her hand touched my shoulder.

“I’m a father.” Would that ever stop sounding so strange?

Emma’s hand squeezed my shoulder. “He likes you. I haven’t seen him that comfortable with anyone since my father.”

Feeling finally started to return to my extremities and I managed to stand. “I love him already.”

“Good. Now you know how I feel.” Emma took my hand and tugged. “Come outside with me.”

From her front porch, we could see the kids running around the neighborhood. We settled on her porch swing and watched them play. It occurred to me that this was the life I had run so determinedly from, and now that I was in the midst of it, there was nowhere I would rather be.