A SEAL's Heart (12 page)

“Who?” For some reason the question came out in a whisper because she was afraid of the answer. “Who had my eyes?”

He tucked his lips in.

“Fitz?” She walked toward him but he lifted a hand. “If you don’t want to–”

“Let me.” He cut in. “Let me tell you before I...” That hand went to his hair, tugged. “Do you truly grasp what it is to be a SEAL, Zuly?” Fitz cut his eyes in her direction. “I mean
truly?
Do you understand the basic dynamics of having power and being powerless?”

Swallowing, she shook her head.

“You feel invincible. Untouchable. You are essentially one of the baddest motherfuckers walking the face of the Earth because there are things you can do...things you know.” His fists clenched in his lap. “You’re respected, you’re feared, and you
are
the face of the military. You
are
what our defenses are all about.” He looked her fully in the eyes when he whispered, “But it comes with a price.” Shaking his head slowly, Fitz smoothed his hand over the SEAL emblem on his chest. “The right to wear this, to be recognized as a hero, comes with a price, Zuly. One you never consider until the devil himself comes knocking at your door, looking for his due.”

Zuly carefully climbed back into bed, sliding beneath the sheets until she was straddling his thighs. “I’m listening.”

His lids closed. “I’ve seen men die. Team members, civilians...enemies. I’ve
killed.
I know what it’s like to see the recognition in a man’s eyes before they cloud over with their last breath. I know what it’s like to have to wash someone’s blood off my hands.” He lifted his arms, showing her his palms. “These same fingers have pulled the trigger to a Beretta, baby. Taken the plug off a grenade. Gripped the handle of a knife before slicing into a major artery.”

It was her lids that closed this time. “Jesus, Fitz...”

“Those faces begin to blur into one continuous line. You file them, these humans, under a category in your mind marked
necessary kill
and you dust your boots the fuck off before you move on.” When he gripped her biceps she jumped. “My gentility can turn within seconds; turn into something disgustingly brutal.” His fingers swiped just under her jaw. “But not with you...
never
with you...”

When she opened her eyes he was tracing her features with his gaze. “I will never stop being a soldier, Zuly--a
SEAL.
But I’m damaged, baby. I paid with parts of my soul. Every time I put a man in the ground, every time I blew something to hell, it was like selling bits of me on the black market. Not for one moment will I
ever
regret the things I did for my country, the things I did to protect
you,
our future children, their children and so on but there are days where I wonder, was I doing it for the safety of others or the safety of my own person in that moment?”

Zuly held his hand to her face. “What happened?”

His irises seemed to glaze over as his voice dropped. “The death of a child.” He swallowed. “She couldn’t have been more than five or six.” Mouth kicking up on one side, he murmured, “With this wild hair and these huge golden eyes.”

She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from telling him to stop.

“Our mission was to take down a man who was said to be Satan himself. We were to bring him in dead or alive. It didn’t matter which one, really.” Fitz’s face hardened. “We cornered him...and I would’ve taken the shot my goddamn self. I would’ve put one in his skull and watched him drop...but there she was,
begging
me with those eyes not to let her die. In nothing more than some simple teddy bear PJs and crease marks from a pillow on her face, she was being held dangerously close to the edge of a three-hundred-foot drop.”

Zuly sucked in a huge breath. “How...?”

“He snatched her up from one of the beds in the compound as we were slipping through the doors and windows. Because I was arrogant, I was sloppy. I thought it would be simple; an easy mark and then we could all go home.” Fitz’s lips lifted in a sad smile. “I’d seen so many deaths, so much destruction...so many disgusting things men would do for power but I’d never seen this. I’d never seen a
child
used like a shield.” He took his hands away. “Many of us are broken by simple and not so simple things. Just the loss of hope, of a spouse, or a family member while we’re away. But this was
my
thing and it was
not
simple. I had a man laughing in my face as he told me how he’d already fucked so many people mentally that I could
never
reach them to reverse it while my team member was shouting at me to move so he could make the hit.”

She didn’t touch him, just sat there, waiting.

Wetness spiked on his lashes as he stared at her. “I didn’t move but he took the hit anyway, and I watched...I watched her fly with him.”

Zuly covered her mouth, stemmed down the sound building in her throat.

“And I lost my fucking mind. I went after Donnelly like he was the enemy and afterwards I was told how he was simply following orders. Of course by then it didn’t matter because he had shot me and that was
not
an order. I was told it wasn’t my fault. That I had no control over what an insubordinate would and would not do while under me.” His hands fisted the covers. “I was told following orders was always the goal. That doing what you’re told is the
only
way. And it made me wonder...it made me wonder how many times had
I
followed orders just like that?” Fitz’s head fell back on his shoulders. “How many times had I done what I was told? How many times did I
really
differentiate between my enemies? Wonder if they were a father, husband, brother? How many times had I inadvertently caused a family harm because as a SEAL the mission was basically like the biblical will of God? You followed or you were left behind. How many times had I been what others would come to see as a murderer?”

Zuly watched that first tear trickle just down past the bridge of his nose and felt her heart break.

“It wasn’t just her death that scarred me, it wasn’t being shot, it was the realization that
she
wasn’t the first casualty, nor would she be the last. She saw me as her savior and I failed. But how many people saw me as nothing more than a killer, and I did exactly what they’d expected?”

“No,” came out on a hoarse whisper. She gripped his face between her palms and pressed her lips to his forehead. “You listen to me, Fitzgerald, and you listen closely because this is the first and last time I’ll say this. You are not, nor will you
ever
be, a murderer. You’re a man who risked his life for fifteen
years
to ensure the safety of millions you don’t even know. You’re a man who has made not only his country but his family and his best friend
proud.
You did the best you could, you did what you were told and I commend you. It takes so much to give up everything so others can safely enjoy the freedom we so casually forget exists. Baby, without men like you our country would be
lost.
You’re a hero, Fitz. A
hero.
That child did not die in vain, and if she looked to you as though you were her savior, I can assure you, there are countless others who would do the same.” She leaned back, kissed the moisture from his cheeks then pressed her lips to his. “Starting with me.”

He didn’t speak, just hugged her to him in a tight embrace, his head pressed to her chest as he took several shuddering breaths. Zuly ran her fingers through his hair. “I love you. And nothing short of a miracle could change that.”

          Fitz placed a kiss to her collarbone and nodded.

          Slowly Zuly maneuvered until she was out of his arms and standing near the bed. She held out a hand. “C’mon, frogman. I’ll scrub your back.”

          With a small grin, he took it.

Her soft sigh in his ear sent a shudder down his spine as he slowly entered her warmth, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from pushing all the way home. She had to be sore. How many times had he lain her down just like this since they’d gotten back to his cabin? Too many to count. The squeeze of her wetness around him never failed to make his heart skip.

The sensation of her lips pressing to his throat, the feel of her teeth nipping him. Right. There.
Jesus...
He’d never give this up, give up the way her hips lifted, her back arched, the way she panted. Fitz would never give up the way Zuly’s legs gripped him about the waist, her heels digging into his ass as he rode her until she left little half moons in his shoulders with her nails.

“Marry me.” Fitz rasped, mouth pressed to her temple. The last three days had been spent with them doing nothing more than eating, making love, showering, dropping Zuly off to work, rinse and repeat. It was a cycle he was damn happy with. A cycle he could repeat forever. They’d been hiding from reality but that would have to end soon. He’d have to face his family and he’d have to let her out of what he now considered to be
their
bed. Where had the time gone? Fitz was having difficulty reconciling the fact that his living, breathing fantasy was currently under him and clearly had no interest in leaving anytime soon.

When was the last moment he’d allowed himself the simple pleasure of dreaming of a future with Zuly? When was the last moment he convinced himself it was an obtainable,
tangible
thing?

“Mmmm...” Zuly hummed beneath him, bottom lip caught between her teeth.

“Marry me, Z.” Lifting her by the waist, he brought them closer, screwing his hips into her own until she scored his chest with her fingers.

“Fuck...”

“Marry. Me.” He touched her womb, felt her pussy attempting to suck him back in as he withdrew.

“Fitz...I...”

“Say. Yes.” His mouth found hers, tongue tunneling between her lips. “I’ll give you anything, Zuly. All you have to do”--Fitz pulled back, changed the tempo of his thrusts until her quiet gasp told him he’d brushed the spot he was looking for--“is. Say. Yes.”

“Just...need...you... Ahhhh...”

“Tell me, say the words...”

She stared up at him, golden eyes watery. “Yes...”

Fitz lifted one leg higher, moved as much as his knee would allow, fucking her in earnest. “I’m gonna make you so happy.”

“You already–” Her face contorted before she was crying out, her body jerking as her pussy spasmed, clenching his cock and causing his balls to draw up, dredging every ounce of cum from his scrotum in one strong pull.

Fitz grunted, holding her to him until her tremors subsided, then he rolled, taking her with him. Her legs brushed his, the silken touch of her skin on his own causing his eyes to close. “I’ll ask Kam for a reference tomorrow.” It was time. He wasn’t healthy, what he’d been doing to himself wasn’t healthy, and God knew he wanted better. He had to
be
better. Not just for Zuly, or his family, but for himself. There were things Fitz would have to do, places in his mind he’d have to go where no sane man would ever dare to venture, but it was necessary. He understood he would never be completely normal, that he was hardwired differently now, but it was a start.

She was silent for so long that he had to lift his head and look to where she rested against his chest.

Zuly gave him a half smile, eyes so bright that his next exhale left him in a single whoosh. She looked...content. “I think I want a little boy first...”

***

“Its eight a.m. and you’re growling in my ear, there needs to be a good reason for this...or someone is going to die...
painfully
,” Zuly murmured, her face still buried in a pillow that smelled distinctly of Fitz. Sleep had been eluding her for days now, mostly with the help of Fitz’s overactive genitals. Making up for almost thirty years of lost time was going to kill her...but what a way to go.

“I’m growling because you keep doing that thing where you rub up against me in your sleep...a man can only take but so much.”

Zuly shivered, his sleep-roughened voice causing goose bumps to break out over her skin as she slowly turned until they were face to face. She kissed the tip of his nose and his eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled.