A Second Chance (32 page)

‘
She
died a year ago
,
’ he said finally, his voice oddly detached. ‘
Together
with my best friend
;
they died in a
crash. He
isn’t buried here because his family insisted on taking his ashes to their family crypt in Minnesota.’

‘I am so sorry
.
’
S
he
could feel the raw pain in his voice and thought that he must still not be over her loss. She turned to hug him in a simple gesture of comfort, only to see him take a step back, his face bleak.

‘I killed her,’ he
said,
his dark eyes burning into her face as she shuddered. ‘
No
, I didn’t drive that car and didn’t even make them drink too much that evening. But I know very well that it was me who pushed them to this point
,
and it should be me lying here, not them
.
’

‘
What
are you talking about?’
I
t
sounded insane, Jade thought
,
doubting for a second that she had heard him right. ‘
How
can you be responsible for their accident,
Liam
? Especially after she left you for your friend? ‘

‘
She
didn’t really want to leave me at all
,
’ he said tonelessly, his
distant
expression thawing into a mask of pain so intense she felt her heart turning over in sympathy. ‘I pushed her to do it, with
m
y
stubborn idiocy and talk about my aversion to marriage.’

He sat down in the grass, his arms going around his knees as he looked up at her, his eyes gentle.

‘
I
… wanted you to see what I mean when I say that I
destroy
the people I love, Jade. To explain to you why
even though everything in you makes me want to reach out and hold you close, this is exactly why I should avoid it
more than anything else
.’

‘Rubbish
.
’
S
he
sat down too, her body on fire. He cared for her, he
had
admitted
as much
. Nothing else mattered, not even the death that surrounded them in this place of final rest for countless souls. ‘
It
doesn’t make any sense, Liam. Why would you blame yourself for an accident? Things happen
.
That’s
how
life is
.
Y
ou can’t change it.’

She reached out and cupped his face, turning it to her until th
eir eyes met. His skin felt firm
and warm under her fingertips, waking up her senses as she continued
.
‘
Tell
me
what
happened,
Liam. Sometimes it helps when you let someone know what’s wrong
.
’

He
hesitated briefly, his cheek pushing harder against her palm as he moved his head until his lips brushed the soft inside of her hand. He kissed her swiftly and desperately, like a man craving absolution and fearing
he would
be tried and found wanting.

‘
We
’d
been dating for two years
,
’ he started, his eyes going to the plate with the name of the woman he had lost
.
‘Jessica was working at one of
the
art shows
I
’d
helped organize. We hit it off right away, even though I made it clear from the start that I wasn’t looking for a permanent relationship. We talked about it
,
and she even joked that it was amazing how similar we were. Her parents went
through
a really nasty divorce when she was a teenager
,
and both
she
and her sister vowed never to marry after witnessing the unraveling of their parent’s love.

‘
So
,
we dated and eventually moved in together. We were very happy
.
’
H
e
paused and looked at her, his dark eyes bleak
.
‘
O
r
so I thought
.
Jess wasn’t happy, as it turned out. She had soon realize
d
that she needed more than what I had to offer, the
“
M
”
word suddenly
became
far more appealing
to her
. We had a few talks about it, where she tried to hint
at
her
newfound
belief
that we should move
to the next level, but I wasn’t very receptive
.
It was at this time
that
Ryan entered the equation. We
had
been friends forever, ever since I moved
to California. We had some great adventures together and
occasionally got
into trouble
.
’
H
e
smiled, his face momentarily almost happy. ‘
He was out of the country for a few years, setting up a music recording company in Japan.
I guess he was hoping to become the next Richard Branson
.
’
H
e
smiled again and paused, searching for the right words. ‘
He… he fell in love with J
ess the first evening he came over to see us. I knew him damn well and saw it right before my very eyes. I remember feeling envious
.
’

‘Envious?’ she interrupted, surprised with his choice of words. ‘Jealous
,
you mean?’

‘
No
, not that
.
’
H
e
shook his head and looked at her with a mirthless smile
.
‘
Y
ou see, being jealous would be a normal rea
ction, very understandable. But
no
,
it wasn’t what I felt that evening. I wa
tched him totally smitten with J
ess and staring at her
like
he
hadn’t had
a hundred girlfriends before
.
A
ll I could think was how messed up it was that
I,
her boyfriend of two years
,
wasn’t able to feel the same way.’

He must have noticed her confusion as she tried to make sense of his explanation, because he paused and searched for the right words
again.

‘I wasn’t as much in love with her as he was, that’s what I am trying to say. I loved her
,
but it wasn’t even remotely close to the kind of love he had to offer. I wished I
could be
more like him, and I tried to make myself understand what it was that was so blatantly missing in our relationship
.
’

‘
Did
she notice it
,
too?’ Jade asked, her voice trembling as she tried to remain calm.

‘
Not
right away, no
.
’ Liam smiled again, his white teeth almost glowing in the rapidly
falling dusk
.
‘
S
he liked Ryan
,
of course. Everyone did
.
S
he encouraged me to invite him over and do more things together
.
I
often wondered
if she had figured out how he felt and hoped that if I saw it as well, it would make me finally
decide
to get more serious about us. I think she hoped to make me jealous
.
’

‘Did it work?’
S
he wasn’t sure she want
ed to hear
his answer, she thought. She
held
her breath
, waiting
for him to keep going, but it took a few agonizing seconds before he picked up again.

‘
Not
really
.
’
H
e
was visibly ashamed of his
answer
, his lips pressed together as if to stop the words of truth from coming out. ‘I
enjoyed our relationship as it was
, exactly the way things were
—
us living together, my career blooming,
Ryan
coming over
.
I saw no reason to change anything. But things changed quickly, overnight really
,
and I will never forgive myself
for
the way I handled them
.
’

They were getting to the very core of the
story, she could sense it.
G
oosebumps
form
ed
on her skin as a sense of helpless anticipation
overwhelmed her
. Whatever
had
happened in this triangle of lovers and friends was the reason why Liam decided to cross
the idea of love
off his list, settling
for lesser
feelings instead.

‘Jess was weird that evening
.
’

She
listened with
her
heart pounding, almost seeing the pictures before her eyes.

‘I was dead on my feet after a week away on a project in New Zealand. I wanted nothing more
than
to have a shower, something to eat
,
and go to sleep. She was very jittery, laughing too much and almost forcing me to have some wine with her. Then she started asking me those crazy questions that I couldn’t really understand at
th
e
time. Like if I ever thought of having kids and saw myself as a father
.
I had no idea what
that
was about, since she was on the pill and knew very well I wasn’t interested in having children at all
.
I was dead tired and wanted to get her off my back, so I told her that no, I didn’t want any kids
,
and being a father was the last thing on my list ever. That after seeing my father screw up our family, I didn’t really trust myself to ever
try it.
’

She
could tell where it was going, Jade thought, her palms cold and sweaty. The pieces of the puzzle were finally falling in
to place
together, the picture that she was starting to glimpse scarier and uglier than she expected.

‘I will never forget her face as she listened to me, sipping her wine. She didn’t really do anything, just watched me as something in her
eyes
died
like
someone went and turned off all the lights. I wasn’t in the mood for long talk
,
so I took my shower and told her I was going to sleep. The
last
thing she said was that she would stay up a bit and read, so I shouldn’t wait
up.
T
he
next morning she was gone, a message on our answering machine explaining that she
had
decided t
o
break up with me and be with
Ryan
. Apparently they
’d been
getting warm and cozy when I was away in New Zealand. The idiot I was
,
I actually believed her
.
’

‘
She
was pregnant, wasn’t
she?
’
J
ade
asked quietly, her voice gentle. She could see how deeply hurt he was by his memories, his broad shoulders hunched over as he sat in the cool grass. Without thinking she moved closer, sitting next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. There was nothing that she could say to make him feel better
; all she could do was
show
that she didn’t blame him for whatever happened next.

‘
She
was
,
’
he said, his words
barely more than a whisper. ‘
She
didn’t mention it to Ryan
,
of course. She knew exactly how he felt about her and was desperate enough to try using it to make me fight to get her back.’