A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Miserable Mill (6 page)

Chapter Eleven

As we have discussed previously, a book's first sentence can often tell you what sort of story the book contains. This book, you will remember, began with the sentence "The Baudelaire orphans looked out the grimy window of the train and gazed at the gloomy blackness of the Finite Forest, wondering if their lives would ever get any better," and the story has certainly been as wretched and hopeless as the first sentence promised it would be. I only bring this up now so you can understand the feeling of dread that Violet and Sunny Baudelaire experienced as they opened a book in the library of the Lucky Smells Lumbermill. The two Baudelaire sisters already had a feeling of dread, of course. Part of the dread came from how cruelly unfairly Sir had behaved. Another part of the dread came from how Charles, kind as he was, seemed unable to help them. Yet another part of the dread came from the fact that Klaus had been hypnotized once more. And of course, the lion's share of the dread, the phrase "lion's share" here means "the biggest part" and has nothing to do with lions or sharing, came from the fact that Count Olaf or, as he insisted on calling himself, Shirley, was back in the Baudelaires' lives and causing so much misery. But there was an extra helping of dread that Violet and Sunny felt when they began Advanced Ocular Science, by Dr. Georgina Orwell. The first sentence was "This tome will endeavor to scrutinize, in quasi-inclusive breadth, the epistemology of ophthalmologically contrived appraisals of ocular systems and the subsequent and requisite exertions imperative for expugna-tion of injurious states," and as Violet read it out loud to her sister, both children felt the dread that comes when you begin a very boring and difficult book. "Oh dear," Violet said, wondering what in the world "tome" meant. "This is a very difficult book." "Garj!" Sunny said, wondering what in the world "endeavor" meant. "If only we had a dictionary," Violet said glumly. "Then we might be able to figure out what this sentence means." "Yash!" Sunny pointed out, which meant something like "And if only Klaus weren't hypnotized, then he could tell us what this sentence means." Violet and Sunny sighed, and thought of their poor hypnotized brother. Klaus seemed so different from the brother they knew that it was almost as if Count Olaf had already succeeded with his dastardly scheme, and destroyed one of the Baudelaire orphans. Klaus usually looked interested in the world around him, and now he had a blank expression on his face. His eyes were usually all squinty from reading, and now they were wide as if he had been watching TV instead. He was usually alert, and full of interesting things to say, and now he was forgetful, and almost completely silent. "Who knows if Klaus could define these words for us?" Violet asked. "He said it felt like part of his brain had been wiped clean. Maybe he doesn't know all those words when he's hypnotized. I don't think I've heard him define anything since the accident with Phil, when he explained the word 'inordinate.' You might as well get some rest, Sunny. I'll wake you up if I read anything useful." Sunny crawled up on the table and lay down next to Advanced Ocular Science, which was almost as big as she was. Violet gazed at her sister for a moment, and then turned her attention to the book. Violet liked to read, of course, but at heart she was an inventor, not a researcher. She simply did not have Klaus's amazing reading skills. Violet stared at Dr. Orwell's first sentence again, and just saw a mess of difficult words. She knew that if Klaus were in the library, and not hypnotized, he would see a way to help them out of their situation. Violet began to imagine how her brother would go about reading Advanced Ocular Science, and tried to copy his methods. First she turned back the pages of the book, back before even the first page, to the table of contents, which as I'm sure you know is a list of the titles and page numbers of each chapter in a book. Violet had paid scarcely any attention to it when she first opened the book, but she realized that Klaus would probably examine the table of contents first, so he could see which chapters of the book might be most helpful. Quickly she scanned the table of contents: 1. Introduction 1 2. Basic Ophthalmology 105 3. Nearsightedness and Farsightedness 279 4. Blindness 311 5. Itchy Eyelashes 398 6. Damaged Pupils 501 7. Blinking Problems 612 8. Winking Problems 650 9. Surgical Practices 783 10. Glasses, Monocles, and Contact Lenses 857 11. Sunglasses 926 12. Hypnosis and Mind Control 927 13. Which Eye Color Is the Best One? 1,000. Immediately, of course, Violet saw that chapter twelve would be the most helpful, and was glad she'd thought of looking at the table of contents instead of reading 927 pages until she found something helpful. Grateful that she could skip that daunting first paragraph, the word "daunting" here means "full of incredibly difficult words", she flipped through Advanced Ocular Science until she reached "Hypnosis and Mind Control." The phrase "stylistic consistency" is used to describe books that are similar from start to finish. For instance, the book you are reading right now has stylistic consistency, because it began in a miserable way and will continue that way until the last page. I'm sorry to say that Violet realized, as she began chapter twelve, that Dr. Orwell's book had stylistic consistency as well. The first sentence of "Hypnosis and Mind Control" was "Hypnosis is an efficacious yet precarious methodology and should not be assayed by neophytes," and it was every bit as difficult and boring as the first sentence of the whole book. Violet reread the sentence, and then reread it again, and her heart began to sink. How in the world did Klaus do it? When the three children lived in the Baudelaire home, there was a huge dictionary in their parents' library, and Klaus would often use it to help him with difficult books. But how did Klaus read difficult books when there was no dictionary to be found? It was a puzzle, and Violet knew it was a puzzle she had to solve quickly. She turned her attention back to the book, and reread the sentence one more time, but this time she simply skipped the words she did not know. As often happens when one reads in this way, Violet's brain made a little humming noise as she encountered each word or each part of a word she did not know. So inside her head, the opening sentence of chapter twelve read as follows: '"Hypnosis is an hmmm yet hmmm method hmmm and should not be hmmmed by hmmms,'" and although she could not tell exactly what it meant, she could guess. "It could mean," she guessed to herself, "that hypnosis is a difficult method and should not be learned by amateurs," and the interesting thing is that she was not too far off. The night grew later and later, and Violet continued to read the chapter in this way, and she was surprised to learn that she could guess her way through pages and pages of Dr. Orwell's book. This is not the best way to read, of course, because you can make horribly wrong guesses, but it will do in an emergency. For several hours, the Lucky Smells library was completely quiet except for the turning of pages, as Violet read the book searching for anything helpful. Every so often she glanced at her sister, and for the first time in her life Violet wished that Sunny were older than she was. When you are trying to figure out a difficult problem, such as the problem of trying to get your brother unhypnotized so as not to be placed into the hands of a greedy man disguised as a receptionist it is often helpful to discuss the problem with other people in order to come up with a quick and useful solution. Violet remembered that, when the Baudelaires were living with Aunt Josephine, it had been extremely helpful to talk to Klaus about a note that turned out to have a secret hidden within it. But with Sunny it was different. The youngest Baudelaire was charming, and well toothed, and quite intelligent for a baby. But she was still a baby, and as Violet hmmed through chapter twelve, she worried that she would fail to find a solution with only a baby as a discussion partner. Nevertheless, when she found a sentence that appeared to be useful, she gave Sunny a waking nudge and read the sentence out loud. "Listen to this, Sunny," she said, when her sister opened her eyes. '"Once a subject has been hypnotized, a simple hmmm word will make him or her perform whatever hmmm acts any hmmm wants hmmmed.'" "Hmmm?" Sunny asked. "Those are the words I don't know," Violet explained. "It's difficult to read this way, but I can guess what Dr. Orwell means. I think she means that once you've hypnotized someone, all you need to do is say a certain word and they will obey you. Remember what Klaus told us he learned from the Encyclopedia Hypnotical There was that Egyptian king who did chicken imitations, and the merchant who played the violin, and that writer, and all the hypnotists did was say a certain word. But they were all different words. I wonder which word applies to Klaus." "Heece," Sunny said, which probably meant something like "Beats me. I'm only a baby." Violet gave her a gentle smile and tried to imagine what Klaus would have said if he had been there, unhypnotized, in the library with his sisters. "I'll search for more information," she decided. "Brewol," Sunny said, which meant "And I'll go back to sleep." Both Baudelaires were true to their word, and for a time the library was silent again. Violet hmmmed through the book and grew more and more exhausted and worried. There were only a few hours left until the working day began, and she was scared that her efforts would be as ineffectual, the word "ineffectual" here means "unable to get Klaus unhypnotized", as if she had low self-esteem. But just as she was about to fall asleep beside her sister, she found a passage in the book that seemed so useful she read it out loud immediately, waking Sunny up in the process. "'In order to hmmm the hypnotic hold on the hmmm,'" Violet said, '"the same method hmmm is used: a hmmm word, uttered out loud, will hmmm the hmmm immediately.' I think Dr. Orwell is talking about getting people un-hypnotized, and it has to do with another word being uttered out loud. If we figure that one, out, we can unhypnotize Klaus, and we won't fall into Shirley's clutches." "Skel," Sunny said, rubbing her eyes. She probably meant something like "But I wonder what that word could be." "I don't know," Violet said, "but we'd better figure it out before it's too late." "Hmmm," Sunny said, making a humming noise because she was thinking, rather than because she was reading a word she did not know. "Hmmm," Violet said, which meant she was thinking, too. But then there was another hmmm that made the two Baudelaire sisters look at one another in worry. This was not the hmmm of a brain that did not know what a word meant, or the hmmm of a person thinking. This hmmm was much longer and louder, and it was a hmmm that made the Baudelaire sisters stop their thinking and hurry out of the library, clutching Dr. Orwell's book in their trembling hands. It was the hmmm of the lumbermill's saw. Somebody had turned on the mill's deadliest machine in the early, early hours of morning. Violet and Sunny hurried across the courtyard, which was quite dark in the first few rays of the sun. Hurriedly they opened the doors of the mill and looked inside. Foreman Flacutono was standing near the entrance, with his back to the two girls, pointing a finger and giving an order. The rusty sawing machine was whirring away, making that dreadful humming sound, and there was a log on the ground, all ready to be pushed into the saw. The log seemed to be covered in layers and layers of string, the string that had been inside the string machine, before Klaus had smashed it. The two sisters took a better look, stepping farther into the mill, and saw that the string was wrapped around something else, tying a large bundle to the log. And when they took an even better look, peeking from behind Foreman Flacutono, they saw that the bundle was Charles. He was tied to the log with so much string that he looked a bit like a cocoon, except that a cocoon had never looked this frightened. Layers of string were covering his mouth, so he could not make a sound, but his eyes were uncovered and he was staring in terror at the saw as it drew closer and closer. "Yes, you little twerp," Foreman Flacutono was saying. "You've been fortunate so far, avoiding my boss's clutches, but no more. One more accident and you'll be ours, and this will be the worst accident the lumbermill has ever seen. Just imagine Sir's displeasure when he learns that his partner has been sliced into human boards. Now, you lucky man, go and push the log into the saw!" Violet and Sunny took a few more steps forward, near enough that they could reach out and touch Foreman Flacutono, not that they wanted to do such a disgusting thing, of course, and saw their brother. Klaus was standing at the controls of the sawing machine in his bare feet, staring at the foreman with his wide, blank eyes. "Yes, sir," he said, and Charles's eyes grew wide with panic.

Chapter Twelve

"Klaus'. " Violet cried. "Klaus, don't do it!" Foreman Flacutono whirled around, his beady eyes glaring from over his surgical mask. "Why, if it isn't the other two midgets," he said. "You're just in time to see the accident." "It's not an accident," Violet said. "You're doing it on purpose!" "Let's not split hairs," the foreman said, using an expression which here means "argue over something that's not at all important." "You've been in on this all the time!" Violet shouted. "You're in cahoots with Dr. Orwell, and Shirley!" "So what?" Foreman Flacutono said. "Deluny!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "You're not just a bad foreman, you're an evil person!" "I don't know what you mean, little midget," Foreman Flacutono said, "and I don't care. Klaus, you lucky boy, please continue." "No, Klaus!" Violet shouted. "No!" "Kewtu!" Sunny shrieked. "Your words will do no good," Foreman Flacutono said. "See?" Sunny saw, all right, as she watched her barefoot brother walking over to the log as if his sisters had not spoken. But Violet was not looking at her brother. She was looking at Foreman Flacutono, and thinking of everything he had said. The terrible foreman was right, of course. The words of the two unhypnotized Baudelaires would do no good. But Violet knew that some words would help. The book she was holding had told her, in between hmmms, that there was a word that was used to command Klaus, and a word that would unhypnotize him. The eldest Baudelaire realized that Foreman Flacutono must have used the command word just now, and she was trying to remember everything that he had said. He'd called Klaus a twerp, but it seemed unlikely that "twerp" would be the word. He'd said "log" and he'd said "push," but those didn't seem likely either. She realized with despair that the command word could almost be anything. "That's right," Foreman Flacutono said, as Klaus reached the log. "Now, in the name of Lucky Smells Lumbermill, push the log in the path of the saw." Violet closed her eyes and racked her brain, a phrase which here means "tried to think of other times the command word must have been used." Foreman Flacutono must have used it when Klaus caused the first accident, the one that broke Phil's leg. "You, you lucky midget," Violet remembered the foreman had said, "will be operating the machine," and Klaus had said "Yes, sir" in that faint, hypnotized voice, the same voice he had used before he had gone to sleep just the previous night. "Egu!" Sunny shrieked in fear, as the hmmm of the saw grew louder and rougher. Klaus had pushed the log up to the saw, and Charles's eyes grew even wider as the blade began to slice the wood, getting closer and closer to where Charles was tied up. As she remembered Klaus's "Yes, sir," before he went to sleep, Violet realized she must have used the command word herself, by accident. She racked her brain again, straining to remember the conversation. Klaus had called his baby sister Susan, instead of Sunny, and then asked if he would really feel better in the morning. But what had Violet replied? "Keep pushing, you lucky midget," Foreman Flacutono said, and Violet knew in an instant. Lucky. "Lucky!" the eldest Baudelaire shouted, not bothering to hide the word in a sentence, as the foreman did. "Push the log away from the saw, Klaus!" "Yes, sir," Klaus said quietly, and the Baudelaire sisters saw with relief that he pushed the log away from the whirling blade just as Charles's toes were about to be sliced. Foreman Flacutono whirled around and stared at Violet in beady rage. She knew that he knew that she knew. "Lucky!" he snarled. "Push the log back toward the saw, Klaus!" "Yes, sir," Klaus muttered. "Lucky!" Violet cried. "Push the log away!" "Yes, sir," Klaus murmured. "Lucky!" Foreman Flacutono barked. "Toward the saw!" "Lucky away!" "Lucky toward the saw!" "Lucky away!" "Lucky toward the saw!" "LUCKY!" bellowed a new voice from the doorway, and everyone, including Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Foreman Flacutono, turned around. Even Charles tried the best he could to see Dr. Orwell, who had appeared in the doorway along with Shirley, who was lurking behind the hypnotist. "We just stopped by to make sure everything went well," Dr. Orwell said, gesturing to the saw with her black cane. "And I'm certainly glad we did. Lucky!" she shouted to Klaus. "Do not listen to your sisters!" "What a good idea," Foreman Flacutono said the doctor. "I never thought of that." "That's why you're only a foreman," Dr. Orwell replied snobbily. "Lucky, Klaus! Push the log in the path of the saw!" "Yes, sir," Klaus said, and began to push the log again. "Please, Klaus!" Violet cried. "Don't do this!" "Gice!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "Don't hurt Charles!" "Please, Dr. Orwell!" Violet cried. "Don't force my brother to do this terrible thing!" "It is a terrible thing, I know," Dr. Orwell said. "But it's a terrible thing that the Baudelaire fortune goes to you three brats, instead of to me and Shirley. We're going to split the money fifty-fifty." "After expenses, Georgina," Shirley reminded her. "After expenses, of course," Dr. Orwell said. The hmmm of the saw began making its louder, rougher sound as the blade started to slice the log once more. Tears appeared in Charles's eyes and began to run down the string tying him to the log. Violet looked at her brother, and then at Dr. Orwell, and dropped the heavy book on the ground in frustration. What she needed now, and most desperately, was the word that would unhypnotize her brother, but she had no idea what it could be. The command word had been used many times, and Violet had been able to figure out which word had been used over and over. But Klaus had only been unhypnotized once, after the accident that had broken Phil's leg. She and her sister had known, in the moment he started defining a word for the employees, that Klaus was back to normal, but who knew what word caused him, that afternoon, to suddenly stop following Foreman Flacutono's orders? Violet looked from Charles's tears to the ones appearing in Sunny's eyes as the fatal accident grew nearer and nearer. In a moment, it seemed, they would watch Charles die a horrible death, and then they would most certainly be placed in Shirley's care. After so many narrow escapes from Count Olaf's treachery, this seemed to be the moment of his or in this case, her terrible triumph. Out of all the situations, Violet thought to herself, that she and her siblings had been in, this was the most miserably irregular. It was the most miserably immoderate. It was the most miserably disorderly. It was the most miserably excessive. And as she thought all these words she thought of the one that had unhypnotized Klaus, the one that just might save all their lives. "Inordinate!" she shouted, as loudly as she could to be heard over the terrible noise of the saw. "Inordinate! Inordinate! Inordinate!" Klaus blinked, and then looked all around him as if somebody had just dropped him in the middle of the mill. "Where am I?" he asked. "Oh, Klaus," Violet said in relief. "You're here with us!" "Drat!" Dr. Orwell said. "He's unhypnotized! How in the world would a child know a complicated word like 'inordinate'?" "These brats know lots of words," Shirley said, in her ridiculously fake high voice. "They're book addicts. But we can still create an accident and win the fortune!" "Oh no you can't!" Klaus cried, and stepped forward to push Charles out of the way. "Oh yes we can!" Foreman Flacutono said, and stuck his foot out again. You would think that such a trick would only work a maximum of two times, but in this case you would be wrong, and in this case Klaus fell to the floor again, his head clanging against the pile of debarkers and tiny green boxes. "Oh no you can't!" Violet cried, and stepped forward to push Charles out of the way herself. "Oh yes we can!" Shirley said, in her silly high voice, and grabbed Violet's arm. Foreman Flacutono quickly grabbed her other arm, and the eldest Baudelaire found herself trapped. "Oh toonoy!" Sunny cried, and crawled toward Charles. She was not strong enough to push the log away from the saw, but she thought she could bite through his string and set him free. "Oh yes we can!" Dr. Orwell said, and reached down to grab the youngest Baudelaire. But Sunny was ready. Quckly she opened her mouth and bit down on the hypnotist's hand as hard as she could. "Gack!" Dr. Orwell shouted, using an expression that is in no particular language. But then she smiled and used an expression that was in French: "En garde!" "En garde!," as you may know, is an expression people use when they wish to announce the beginning of a sword-fight, and with a wicked smile, Dr. Orwell pressed the red jewel on top of her black cane, and a shiny blade emerged from the opposite end. In just one second, her cane had become a sword, which she then pointed at the youngest Baudelaire orphan. But Sunny, being only an infant, had no sword. She only had her four sharp teeth, and, looking Dr. Orwell right in the eye, she opened her mouth and pointed all four at this despicable person. There is a loud clink! noise that a sword makes when it hits another sword or, in this case, a tooth and whenever I hear it I am reminded of a swordfight I was forced to have with a television repairman not long ago. Sunny, however, was only reminded of how much she did not want to be sliced to bits. Dr. Orwell swung her cane-sword at Sunny, and Sunny swung her teeth at Dr. Orwell, and soon the clink! noises were almost as loud as the sawing machine which continued to saw up the log toward Charles. Clink! Up, up, the blade inched until it was only a hair's breadth, the expression "hair's breadth" here means "a teeny-tiny measurement", away from Charles's foot. "Klaus!" Violet cried, struggling in the grips of Shirley and Foreman Flacutono. "Do something!" "Your brother can't do anything!" Shirley said, giggling in a most annoying way. "He's just been unhypnotized, he's too dazed to do anything. Foreman Flacutono, let's both pull! We can make Violet's armpits sore that way!" Shirley was right about Violet's sore armpits, but she was wrong about Klaus. He had just been unhypnotized, and he was quite dazed, but he wasn't too dazed to do anything. The trouble was, he simply couldn't think of what to do. Klaus had been thrown into the corner with the debarkers and the gum, and if he moved in the direction of Charles, or Violet, he would walk right into Sunny and Dr. Orwell's sword-fight, and as he heard another clink! from the sword hitting Sunny's tooth he knew he would be seriously wounded if he tried to walk through the dueling pair. But over the clink!s he heard an even louder and even rougher noise from the sawing machine, and Klaus saw with horror that the blade was beginning to slice through the soles of Charles's shoes. Sir's partner tried to wiggle his feet away from the blade, but they were tied too tightly, and tiny shoe-sole shavings began to fall to the floor of the mill. In a moment the blade would be finished with the sole of Charles's shoe and begin on the sole of Charles's foot. Klaus needed to invent something to stop the machine, and he needed to invent it right away. Klaus stared at the circular blade of the saw, and his heart began to sink. How in the world did Violet do it? Klaus had a mild interest in mechanical things, but at heart he was a reader, not an inventor. He simply did not have Violet's amazing inventing skills. He looked at the machine and just saw a deadly device, but he knew that if Violet were in this corner of the mill, and not getting sore armpits from Shirley and Foreman Flacutono, she would see a way to help them out of their situation. Klaus tried to imagine how his sister would go about inventing something right there on the spot, and tried to copy her methods. Clink! Klaus looked around him for inventing materials, but saw only debarkers and tiny green boxes of gum. Immediately he ripped open a box of gum and shoved several pieces into his mouth, chewing ferociously. The expression "gum up the works" does not actually have to do with gum, but merely refers to something that stops the progress of something else. Klaus chewed and chewed the gum, hoping that the stickiness of the gum could gum up the works of the sawing machine, and stop the deadly progress of its blade. Clink! Sunny's third tooth hit the blade of Dr. Orwell's sword, and Klaus quickly spat the gum out of his mouth into his hand and threw it at the machine as hard as he could. But it merely fell to the ground with a wet plop! Klaus realized that gum didn't weigh enough to reach the machine. Like a feather, or a piece of paper, the wad of gum simply couldn't be thrown very far. Hukkita hukkita hukkita! The machine began making the loudest and roughest sound Klaus had ever heard. Charles closed his eyes, and Klaus knew that the blade must have hit the bottom of his foot. He grabbed a bigger handful of gum and shoved it into his mouth, but he didn't know if he could chew enough gum to make a heavy enough invention. Unable to watch the saw any longer, he looked down, and when his eye fell upon one of the debark-ers he knew he could invent something after all. When Klaus looked at the lumbermill equipment, he remembered a time when he was even more bored than he had been when working at Lucky Smells. This especially boring time had happened a very long time ago, when the Baudelaire parents were still alive. Klaus had read a book on different kinds offish, and asked his parents if they would take him fishing. His mother warned him that fishing was one of the most boring activities in the world, but found two fishing poles in the basement and agreed to take him to a nearby lake. Klaus had been hoping that he would get to see the different types offish he had read about, but instead he and his mother sat in a rowboat in the middle of a lake and did nothing for an entire afternoon. He and his mother had to keep quiet, so as not to scare the fish away, but there were no fish, no conversation, and absolutely no fun. You might think that Klaus would not want to remember such a boring time, particularly in the middle of a crisis, but one detail of this very boring afternoon turned out to be extremely helpful. As Sunny struggled with Dr. Orwell, Violet struggled with Shirley and Foreman Flacutono, and poor Charles struggled with the saw, Klaus remembered the part of the fishing process known as casting. Casting is the process of using one's fishing pole to throw one's fishing line out into the middle of the lake in order to try to catch a fish. In the case of Klaus and his mother, the casting hadn't worked, but Klaus did not want to catch fish. He wanted to save Charles's life. Quickly, the middle Baudelaire grabbed the debarker and spat his gum onto one end of it. He was planning to use the sticky gum as a sort of fishing line and the debarker as