A Simple Faith: A Lancaster Crossroads Novel (42 page)

“I’m crying for myself.” Haley swiped at her eyes, facing the chewing cow so that no one would see her in tears. How embarrassing!
“I’m sorry. It’s so selfish of me, but I’m thinking of Dylan and me. I love him, Els. I really do, but there’s nothing I can do to win his heart.”

“That’s not selfish. That’s your heart crying out for love,” Elsie said tenderly.

“And I do love him. But you heard him at the session, talking about his wife and daughter. He’s still grieving, still so much in love. I know he cares about me, and we’re a great team, but I can’t compete with a ghost. His love is just something in life that I can’t have and … and it’s killing me.”

A mournful sigh came from Elsie as they leaned into each other, both facing the pasture. Haley felt Elsie’s hand gently patting her back, such a sweet gesture. She stared past the giant cow to the distant purple hills, ignoring the tears that slid down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, falling apart at your church luncheon.”

“It’s okay. Gott gives us our sorrows for a reason, and there’s no law against crying on a Sunday.”

Haley sniffed. “My heart breaks every time he smiles. My pulse races every time he just looks at me.”

“I know how that feels. When Ruben first came to the store, he was a good friend to me, but as the days went on my heart opened to him in every way. Like a flower blooming in the sun—that was me in the light of his love.”

“But he loves you, Elsie! Let yourself love him back. You two can be together.”

“No.” Elsie drew in a ragged breath. “I won’t do that to Ruben or to a child. Do you know I was born with a sixth finger on each hand? Surgeons removed them when I was a year old. I don’t remember that, but I do remember a later surgery, to fix my legs. There was pain when I was in the hospital, ya. But the true pain came from simply traveling to the hospital with my mother. We
took a series of buses, starting at Lancaster, and some of the Englishers were cruel. They scared me. A midget, they called me. I was barely six years old. One man asked me if I escaped from the … the circus.” Elsie’s voice cracked, and she sniffed.

Now it was Haley’s turn to rub her friend’s back and try to soothe. “I’m sorry. People can be so cruel.”

“I’ve forgiven them … it’s all nearly forgotten, but for my vow to keep that pain for myself. I won’t be the one to burden a child with it. And as soon as Ruben understands that, I’m sure he’ll … he’ll move on.”

“But look at how he loves you, Elsie.”

“I know,” she said sadly. “I know, and my heart is breaking because I love him, too. But we are not meant to be together. In my heart, I know it’s not what Gott intends, so I must push him away.”

Haley squeezed Elsie’s shoulder. “Are you sure about this? To be honest, it sounds to me like you’re making a mistake.”

“Gott makes no mistakes.” When Elsie turned to her, there was a glint of wisdom in her dark eyes. “I know it’s upsetting that Gott doesn’t make things work out the way we planned, but it’s also reassuring to know that whatever happens is meant to be. The way Gott planned it. If we can accept the events of our lives, then we are living Gott’s will. ‘Thy will be done.’ ”

Recognizing the words from the “Our Father,” Haley nodded solemnly.

Of course, she wanted God’s will to be done in her own life. She just wished it didn’t hurt quite so much.

By the time it was their turn to eat, both Elsie and Haley had managed to recover from their intensely emotional moment and pull themselves together. Inside, they ran into Rachel’s family—and
Haley was glad to have a chance to talk with Remy King, who seemed to glow with happiness.

“I haven’t seen you since the auction,” Haley said.

“Mm-hmm.” Remy’s smile was secretive, her green eyes glimmering with a hint of mischief. “We’ve been sticking close to home.”

“Really? Is everything okay?”

Remy looked over her shoulder and lowered her voice. “Umm, we Amish women don’t really discuss it in public but …” She leaned forward and squeezed Haley’s arm as she whispered, “Mary and I are pregnant.”

Haley gripped Remy’s hand. “Congratulations. That
is
news.”

“I used to think it would never happen for me. Meeting the love of my life and starting a family. But now … now I have this enormous, loving family in a community that cares. I feel so blessed.”

“I’m so happy for you.” Haley smiled wistfully. Mary and Remy were in their twenties—her age.

Her mother’s voice sounded in her mind, unbidden:
If you’re going to have kids, you’d better get going
.

Well, it was sort of hard to get going when there wasn’t a willing husband in the picture.

Being involved in the church service today, seeing the way these Amish families worshipped and worked together, Haley saw the importance of family. She definitely wanted children, but that would have to wait.

Steeling herself against disappointment, she repeated Elsie’s advice:
God makes no mistakes
.

Haley and Dylan were saying good-bye to their friends when a boy stopped in front of Dylan and tipped his black hat back. “Mister, can I have my slingshot back?”

All eyes turned to Dylan, who pursed his lips.

Normally stoic, Zed was fighting a grin. So much so that he had to turn away.

Haley stepped in, enjoying the controversy. “Did this man take your slingshot?” she asked the boy, who, cute as a jack-o’-lantern, was missing two of his front teeth.

The kid looked up at the other men, frowning at Ruben. “Don’t tell Dat.”

“Don’t tell him what?” Ruben put his hands on his hips, standing his ground. “That you were fiddling with your slingshot during the prayers?”

“It was actually during one of the hymns.” Dylan reached into his pants pocket and extracted a forked branch made into a slingshot with a piece of a rubber band. “And I borrowed it before anyone got hurt.” He bent down to be level with the kid. “What’s your name?”

Ruben stepped forward and clamped a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “This is my brother Eli, and I can’t believe a little angel like this would have a toy at church.”

Eli shrugged out of his brother’s grip. “It’s not a toy. You could use it for hunting.”

Dylan held the slingshot out to Eli. “Promise me you won’t shoot anyone with this. Not your sister or your teacher or a crow scrounging for seeds in the snow.”

Eli nodded. “We just try for rocks and cans on top of the fence.”

“Good. You’d better keep it that way.”

Eli snatched the slingshot and pivoted to make a quick exit.

“And, Eli. Hold on.” Dylan dug in his other pocket. This time, he had a fistful of jacks and a small rubber ball. “Do me a favor and return these to your friend.”

Eli turned back and cupped the jacks in his hand. “Simon said you would never give these back.”

“I’m feeling generous after all those sermons. I didn’t understand a word, but I have to believe some saving grace soaked in.” Dylan grinned. “You’re welcome.”

“Thank you!” Eli chirped, then ran off.

Haley turned to him. “You are a character, Dr. Monroe. Were you going to leave with that poor boy’s slingshot in your pocket?”

Ruben stepped in. “Believe me, Eli deserved to have it taken away.”

“I planned to give it back,” Dylan said. “I just forgot about it.”

“Um-hmm,” Haley teased.

“I would never steal. Especially from a child.” Dylan patted down his pockets to make sure they were empty now. “But that was a very cool slingshot.”

The group laughed as Dylan waved, and he and Haley started down the hill toward her car.

46

T
he next day, Elsie was washing the windows on the outside of the shop, straining to reach from the top of the stepladder, when a breeze made the strings of her kapp flicker.

A spring breeze. A cool wind, but no longer the biting tendrils of winter.

She rubbed until the cloth squeaked against the glass, then climbed down the ladder. The glass was clean, but Ruben had done a better job getting the dirt all around the edges at the top.

She missed him. He’d been a great worker and a good friend. He’d come to her rescue when she’d needed someone to hold her up, and now … now she didn’t know how she was going to stand without him.

Folding up the ladder, she gazed up Main Street in the direction of Zook’s barn. Of course, she couldn’t see it from here, but it was reassuring to know he was there, just up the road a piece.

A few customers came along, and she greeted them and brought the ladder inside.

One lady wanted six caramel apples for her grandchildren. Her friend purchased a birdhouse, which would have been easier to wrap with Ruben’s help.

Please, bring him back to me
, she prayed silently. Then she wondered if that was selfish. She wanted him by her side, but she could not be his girl. Was that selfish?

The bells at the door jangled, and Preacher Dave came in with a fat folded afghan in his arms.

“Lydia asked me to bring you this,” he said. “She’s been working on it steadily for two weeks.”

“This is coming in the nick of time.” Elsie put the blanket on the counter to admire the variegated edges of blue, green, and yellow wool. “I only have one left in the store, and folks will like these cheerful colors for spring.”

“Good.” Dave nodded, but instead of saying good-bye, he took his hat off and turned it in his hands. “And I wanted to talk with you, Elsie.”

She lifted her chin with a somber smile, thinking he was going to counsel her about grieving for her dat.

“This could be putting the cart before the horse, ’cause I know you’re not baptized, but here goes. I hear you’ve decided that you’re never getting married, because you don’t want to have children. Is that so?”

Stumped, Elsie felt her mouth drop open. Who had told the preacher of her plan? Her private, innermost fears and plans …

Ruben.

Something akin to disappointment trembled through her as she fumbled for words. “It’s not that I don’t want to have children,” she said quietly. “I don’t want to have children because they might be born like me, with EVC. Little people.”

“I see.” Dave squinted, following every word. “And why is that a problem? Do you not feel that Gott loves you because you’re shorter than most folk?”