A Song in the Night (45 page)

Rosie nodded. How could she forget? Beth had been almost delirious with delight when she’d rung to tell her about it.

“Well,” Beth continued, “I don’t know if I mentioned it at the time, but there was something else with it. A piece of music. Just a basic little tune scribbled on manuscript paper. But I reckon it was Sam who wrote it. There was a title and it was in the same handwriting as the diary.
Chant du Rossignol
, he’d called it.”

“
Rossignol?
” Rosie repeated. “That’s nightingale, isn’t it?”

“Yeah – and
Chant
is song.
Chant du Rossignol –
” Beth tapped her head with a knowing smile. “My lightening-fast mind tells me that must mean
Song of the Nightingale
.”

Rosie was thoughtful for a moment. “Or Rosie’s Song.”

“Hmm?” Beth frowned.

“
Rosie’s
Song
. Remember earlier in the diary? Sam said they nicknamed the nightingale Rosie – short for
rossignol
. It kinda stuck in my mind, me having the same name and everything.”

Beth’s eyes lit up. “Hey, Ros – you’re right! How cool is that?
Rosie’s Song …
” She seemed to mull the idea over in her thoughts for a moment. Then her face broke into a grin. “You could be on to something there, y’know. It’s like that
‘Annie’s Song’.
Mum used to have it on an old tape.” She immediately burst into a raucous impersonation of John Denver.

Rosie covered her ears. “Okay, okay. Don’t kill the thing. Go on, carry on telling me about Sam’s tune.”

Beth stopped singing and was quiet for a few seconds. “The thing is, Ros, I’ve been working on it in secret. You know, trying to develop it – fleshing it out a bit. I’ve started adding some orchestration to it. Don’t know how far I’ll get with that. Don’t know how long I’ve got, do I? But I’ll keep at it anyway. It’s a simple little tune, but there’s something beautiful about it, Ros.” She paused and looked down at her hands. “I had this idea, see. I wanted to give it to Ciaran as a gift … something to remember me by.”

Rosie felt her throat tighten. “I don’t think he’s likely to forget you. You’ve no worries there.”

Beth smiled. “No, I know that. But I just thought a piece of music would be perfect. I know I’ve nicked the basic idea from Sam, but I don’t have a lot of time to play with. I’m sure old Sam would forgive me if he knew my circumstances.”

Rosie nodded slowly. “I’m sure he would.”

“I keep having a little practice when Ciaran goes out with Dad. I don’t want him to know about it just yet. I don’t think I’ll get it all finished, but I’ll do as much as I can for as long as I can, then I’ll give it to him.” She looked down at her hands again and shrugged. “I never managed to give him babies, Ros. I just thought this might be the next best thing.”

Rosie felt choked. She swallowed hard. “You always said you were gonna compose. I never doubted you would for a minute.”

“Y’know, Ros?” Beth turned and looked at her. “If I could have picked anyone in the whole world to be my sister, I would have picked you.”

For a moment Rosie was tempted to come back with a facetious comment. But looking at her friend’s face, she could see that she was entirely serious.

Rosie had only been back at work two days, but after her weekend up in Yorkshire it felt more like a month. She’d just finished a particularly lousy session at the nursery. It seemed to happen every once in a while; some sort of weird, agitating group dynamic that made the kids fractious and stroppy, and left the poor, frazzled staff wound up to the hilt. At six o’clock she pulled on her coat and stepped, exhausted, outside into the open. A blast of cold evening air tore at her hair and she shivered.

“Hello, Rosie
.
”
A familiar voice made her spin round. It was Dan.

“Oh … hi.” She tried to act cool, but being caught so off guard made it frustratingly difficult.

Dan smiled disarmingly. “I was hoping I might catch you. Mel said you were finishing at six, so I left her at the hairdresser’s and had a walk down here.”

Rosie’s mind reeled.
He’s come here on purpose?
“Look, if this is about Gavin …” Her face felt hot.
If he thinks he can just send Dan round to do his dirty work –

Dan interrupted her speculations. “Rosie, how’s about we go for a coffee somewhere? It’s a bit nippy out here and I really wanted to talk to you.”

Rosie’s eyes widened slightly. Dan grinned. “Don’t worry, Mel’s fine about it. She trusts me.”

Who said anything about Mel? It’s me that’s not fine about it.
But curiosity was fast getting the better of her.

Dan gave a reassuring smile. “Cratchett’s looked quiet as I came past, if you’re okay with that.”

Rosie tried hard to look disinterested. In truth, she was suddenly intrigued.

They ordered drinks in Cratchett’s and found a table by the window. Dan took off his jacket and hung it over the back of his chair.

Obviously means business. Wonder if I’m supposed to do the same.
Rosie stared down into her coffee, her mind doing somersaults.
Wish he’d get on with it and let me know what this is all about.

Dan slowly stirred around in his cup, a preoccupied expression on his face. At last he spoke. “I think I owe you an apology, Rosie.”

Rosie straightened. “
Apology?
How come?”

Dan didn’t look up. He continued stirring his coffee as though somehow it might give him inspiration. “I know you and Gav have broken up.”

“Good news travels fast,” Rosie said acidly.
Wonder how much else you know. Is Gavin low enough to have filled you in with all the gory details …?

“To be honest, Rosie, I’m kinda glad you have.”

Rosie frowned in surprise.

Dan placed his spoon carefully on the table and looked directly at her. “Guess I’m laying my friendship on the line here, Rosie. But I feel I need to be honest with you about one or two things.”

Rosie’s heart quickened. This was beginning to sound ominous.

“The reason I said I owed you an apology,” Dan began, still looking at her intently, “is because it was my idea to fix up the whole blind date thing right at the start.”

Rosie smiled awkwardly. “I think I can just about forgive you for that.”

Dan shook his head. “No. Looking back, it was a really bad idea. Gav was in a pretty poor way at the time, and well – Mel had talked about you a few times. I just thought it might cheer him up.”

“
Didn’t
it?” Rosie tried to sound light-hearted about it.

Dan breathed out slowly. “Rosie, has Gavin ever mentioned to you anyone called Kate?”

Rosie swallowed. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear this. “No. No, he hasn’t.”

Dan nodded sadly. “I thought not. When you first met Gavin, he’d just come out of a long-term relationship with her. They’d been seeing each other for nearly eighteen months. The whole thing was pretty serious.”

Rosie felt a stab of hurt. She steeled herself, determined not to let Dan see any reaction.

“A couple of months before you first met Gav, he’d bought Kate an engagement ring. For a surprise. She accepted at first. Then a few days later, completely out of the blue, she told him it was all over. No real explanation. She just said she wasn’t ready for marriage. The following week she got a job transfer and moved away. Gavin was blown apart by it all. Really devastated. I’d never seen him so low. The blind date thing – it was really an attempt on my part to stop him going into depression.”

“He didn’t strike
me
as being very depressed,” Rosie retorted, her eyes narrowing.

“He’s a smooth operator, Rosie. Even I was surprised how quickly he managed to pull round once you were on the scene.”

Rosie took a sip of coffee, her mind swimming with confusion. She wasn’t quite sure where this conversation was going. “Okay. So what are you saying?”

“What I’m
trying
to say is –” Dan took a long, deep breath. “You’re better off without him, Rosie. I’m not suggesting he will, but if he tries to start things up between you two again, I think I’d tell him where to get off. I’ve watched him do it to you before. Being absolutely blunt with you, I know for a fact that Gavin’s met up with Kate while he’s been seeing you – she’s been in town more than once over the last few weeks.” He paused and lowered his head. “If you want my advice, don’t even think about getting back with him.”

“I’ve no intention of doing,” Rosie snapped coldly. But inside she felt sick. How could she ever have imagined that Gavin was serious about her when all the time he’d been seeing this Kate woman behind her back? And to think she’d come so close to sleeping with him. She felt like kicking herself. She realised Dan was looking at her sympathetically.

“I’m sorry, Rosie.” His voice was completely sincere. “Gavin’s not a bad guy. But I haven’t liked the way he’s been acting recently – not towards you anyway. I put it down to his breakup with Kate. He’s not thinking right. I know he’s my best mate, but I wouldn’t wish him on any girl at the moment. Not till he gets himself sorted. The blind date thing seemed like a good idea at the time, but I wish I’d never come up with it, Rosie. I think you deserve better.”

Rosie looked down into her coffee again. Why did she suddenly feel like crying? Surely Dan’s advice was only confirmation of something she’d already decided. Was it the air of finality about it all? Perhaps – partly. But deep down, she knew that what hurt most was the revelation that Gavin had been using her. That all the time she’d imagined things were developing between them, Gavin’s affections had been elsewhere. She’d been a fill-in, a substitute. No wonder it had felt like such hard work.

“Thanks, Dan.” She picked up her bag and rose from her seat. She knew it was time to leave, before she started getting teary. “I appreciate your being honest. No hard feelings about the blind date. I’ll just put it down to experience.”

Dan stood to his feet and extended a hand. “Bye, Rosie. See you around, no doubt.”

Rosie smiled weakly and shook his hand before heading for the door. If Mel didn’t realise what a decent guy she’d got, she needed her head examining.

That evening, back in her room, Rosie was filled with a sense of dull, aching emptiness. Mel was still out with Dan and the house was depressingly quiet. She toyed with the idea of ringing Beth, just for the sake of having contact with someone. But she couldn’t think of anything cheerful to say, and it didn’t seem right to offload her misery onto someone whose situation was even more dire than her own. As for Ciaran, she couldn’t even picture him now without wanting to cry. She certainly didn’t want to add to
his
bucket load of troubles.

It struck her then that she had never felt so isolated in her whole life. So utterly, completely alone in the world. No one to turn to, no one to listen, no one to make her feel that she mattered. At least Gavin had done that – even if he had been lying through his teeth half the time.

A sudden coldness passed over her and she began to shiver. Falling onto her bed, she curled up in foetal position and hugged herself in an effort to keep warm. But it was not a natural coldness. It was an iciness that seemed to grip her entire being like a vice. A cascade of black thoughts poured into her head.
What point is there in anything? Nothing ever goes right anyway. Life is just one long test of endurance, punctuated from time to time with extra special misery. Maybe Beth’s one of the lucky ones after all – at least she’s getting out of it early …

She hated herself the second the thought hit. An image of Beth came into her mind; Beth with her yellow skin and limp hair, her wasted body and sunken eyes. Beth, who such a short time ago had been radiant and full of bright hopes.

Rosie pressed her face into the pillow.
One of the lucky ones? What am I thinking?
But somehow, logic did not come easily tonight. Only despair, and a suffocating darkness that seemed to wrap itself around her like a shroud. She gave way to the tears that were burning her eyes, and cried until she could cry no more. At last, totally exhausted, she fell into a dreamless sleep.

It was ten twenty-three when she suddenly awoke. At first she was completely disorientated. It took a few moments before she could even work out what day it was. The sound of Mel banging about in the living room pricked her memory.

Cratchett’s … the conversation with Dan …

She swore under her breath. How long had she been asleep? Glancing at the clock, she swore again. She was wide awake now and she had to work tomorrow. It was anyone’s guess as to what time she’d be able to get back to sleep tonight. She climbed off the bed and smoothed her clothes. Maybe a hot drink would help.

“You okay, Rosie?” Mel looked concerned as Rosie made her way to the kitchen. “You look like you might be coming down with something.”

Rosie glanced into the kitchen mirror and inwardly groaned. Why hadn’t she checked her face
before
coming out of her room? Her eyes were puffy and swollen and her cheeks blotched with pink. “I think it’s hay fever,” she said unconvincingly.

“Hay fever? At this time? I would’ve thought it was a bit early.” Mel seemed genuinely confused.

For want of a better argument, Rosie decided to press the point. “There was a bit of early tree blossom out in Yorkshire. My eyes have been itching like crazy.”

This explanation seemed to satisfy Mel. Relieved, Rosie warmed some milk up in the microwave. A few minutes later, back in the safety of her room, she sat by the window and looked out into the street. A cat was preening itself under a lamppost. Rosie watched it for a while, something inside her longing to reach out and touch its fur, to find comfort in its living, breathing body. After several minutes, the creature gave a sudden, elegant stretch and stole off into the blackness.

If I
can be of any help – an electronic shoulder to cry on and all that, you know I’m here …

The thought jerked her back to reality.
Jonathon. Of course.
She hurriedly set up her laptop and pulled the diary out of her drawer. She’d throw in a couple of entries for good measure. She had to play it casual; she didn’t want him knowing he was practically the only human being on earth she had access to right now.