A Tapless Shoulder (23 page)

One could
hardly call me a happy camper, but I at least knew never to
stray far from the wonder and warmth
of the fire;
lose sight of
that and
one is just
cold and alone. It was a truth I
dared not deny, and the basis upon which I set much of my
sentiment. -
Here is a
beautiful flower, and like the both of us, it’s going to die –
happy valentine’s day!
I
knew
to keep a good part of that to
myself.

We were
having a get-together and had invited a number of people over who
had young children too. I guess it wasn’t so much the age that
mattered; it actually appeared to be more of a height thing.
Hey, come on over and bring someone
about yay high
. And so they
did. Now
the little lengths
they brought ran around and around; chasing the dog, getting into
trouble for chasing the dog, and then waiting a moment before they
chased the dog again. Nate was the exception, height wise, not to
the not-listening. He had been helping them strategize a plan to
corner the poor dog for the petting of a lifetime. He kept yelling
things like, “Hey, kid in blue, no, other kid in blue, blue number
two, that way, that way, that way!” Finally I got the dog to follow
me like I knew where salvation lay and put him out in the backyard
for a break from it all “Nate,” I explained to him after, “we don’t
really want them chasing Steven, we especially don’t want them to
learn how to corner him. At least when they chase him, they’re all
trailing behind and all he has to do is stay ahead of
them.”

“
Ah, right,
sorry man, I guess they’ll just have to CORNER ME, AAHH,” and he
went running off into the other room where it sounded like he threw
himself into a box of toys. The older kids were the fastest to get
in there after him, while the younger kids pursued him gradually
like he was the world’s weakest magnet.

I said hello
and made small talk with everyone: the parents, the relatives, the
friends. Then I stood still, in a nondescript moment, and drank a
beer. My mind felt like drying mud. I wondered what frame of mind I
would soon find myself stuck in. I knew I was tired and my mood
wanted to swing from just feeling blah to rage far too quickly and
for no real reason other than for being tired. My pretending to
watch the kids had fallen apart once Nate got involved and
scattered the herd. It became far too much work at that point. I
fielded questions from everyone about my mono, where I had gotten
it,
well then where did I
think I had gotten it
?
Apparently, guesses were the next best thing to knowing the actual
truth; who knew, maybe a clue would arise. My being off work made
the topic extra exciting. Yeah, it was of course nice I didn’t have
to work and have mono, that was nice, but I was quite adamant that
I would rather have not been so tired. The woman at the short-term
disability place didn’t get what fatigue was or that I was flat out
on the floor as much as I could be. She wanted bigger and better
reasons from me. I grew tired of trying to explain it to her and
cared less about her responses to that. It was more than
tired
. I used to get tired after a long time of being awake, now
it was more than that, with some kick, and the added feeling like I
would barf if I didn’t shut my eyes as soon as possible.

My main
objectives for the day had become to stay awake and to avoid Coop.
He had gone to school with Katie, and he and his wife, from whom he
had since split, had become friends of ours. Kate claimed it would
be “nice” to invite him. I thought it would be “torture,” but I
kept that to myself as I was being tortured enough just by
standing, so what was a bit more. He was bringing his daughter,
whom Knuckle Butt just adored, and so I blamed the both of them for
the relationship.

The problem
with Coop was he loved to spout things that changed your life
undesirably and forever. “You heard about that…” and it would go
from sounding innocently informative to something that was just so
not innocent or informative. And always at that moment you would
say to yourself, I did not need to hear that
ever in my life
. Tales of his just gouged the sheen off one’s smiling face
and put vagrant images in their mind like unruly patrons that were
now there to stay.

“
We need to
think as we go, and stop watching. All we do is watch this and
watch that. I saw the whole thing happen, I got it on video, and
it’s on YouTube. Did you see, did you watch, did you open your
eyes; it’s crap, it’s impartial and it is zero commitment,” he said
snappily like his conviction had rhythm. We knew it was the
introduction to something we didn’t want to know and we braced
ourselves.

As Coop
continued, I nudged Nate, “Scariest part is he sounds like me, but
doped up on angry pills and like he, maybe, studied for this or
something.” He nodded in agreement, and when Coop had finished we
raised our arms in the air and shouted “
Amen
!” I shut my
eyes and shook my head while Nate clasped his hands in the air and
shook them like he was going to throw some dice on up into
heaven.

The problem
was that I didn’t disagree with him. I didn’t disagree with him at
all, but where he was specific, I was hypothetical, if I even made
it that far. And where he was angry, I was just sad. I think I
hated that the most. What angered him seemed to give him purpose,
while the things that angered me sent me deeper and deeper into
depression. The thought of having to deal with him while I was
exhausted struck me as just too much to handle. If I was trying to
put together the sentence, ‘Hey, that is the worst pant waistline
to actual waistline ratio I have ever seen, particularly on someone
wearing jogging pants,’
Coop
was remodelling
your kitchen with a baseball bat in the name of ‘trying to find the
cookies.’ In short, where I was stumbling with my complaints, he
was loudly delivering his like a pastor delivering a sermon. At
least my spiels came out in fractions and small doses so one
couldn’t choke on my deliberations, I thought. But not Coop, no, he
found the awful and spelled it out to you; detail by detail,
terrible, awful, ugly and permanent detail, always about things
that just should never have happened. I was disgusted by horrible
occurrences that gained celebrity status; their perpetrators
included. I felt I was doing well enough without knowing them
intimately,
thanks anyways,
Poop!

And so,
afraid to find out that we had been separated at birth, it was from
him that I kept moving in a radius around the room and our guests.
Step, pivot, step; to avoid detection I tried to make casual
movements, each one designed to make my escape unnoticeable. Having
so many kids there was simply the real gift for appearing busy.
‘Why are there pants here? Is there a kid somewhere not wearing
pants? What the heck,’ – I hardly seemed desperate. Up the stairs
at the right moment and into the washroom was a game-saver at one
point, then taking drink orders for everyone, and focusing on food
and cake, and then we were on the home stretch.

Once Coop
caught my attention from across the room seemingly with an appeal
like I should run over and talk to him. I looked back contrarily
like it was simply too far. Without moving and without the
intention to, I held my beer up in his direction, giving him a
‘cheers’ from afar. I smiled but was really laughing to myself. His
shirt said, ‘HI with a GH’ on the front, while the front of mine
said, ‘I care,’ and the back said, ‘this much.’ I wished the front
had been, ‘You’re stupid,’ but it was definitely the next best
thing. I was excited about having to eventually get up and walk
away. Katie had bought it for me years ago and it had never been so
fitting. Well, I mean, it was a shirt
that fit
, but
what it
said
had never been so
relevant
. I had thrown it on today, and only now realized just
how appropriate it was. Had I actually remembered I was wearing it
before anyone arrived I would have changed into something more
appropriate for guests that weren’t Coop. I was suddenly worried he
wouldn’t notice. What if he didn’t read shirts? Who doesn’t read
shirts? That’s why they started putting stuff on them in the first
place. I’d go toward him and then away, or maybe just start walking
in circles in front of him. I could get a kid to chase me.
Where’d the kids go? What is that
over in the corner behind me? Oh, it’s a toy amongst a bunch of
other toys, weird. What, this shirt? Oh, it was a gift, yes, from
me, to me, for you.

I looked down
and saw Coop’s daughter standing before me, her head tilted up. Her
mouth was moving, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. “Um, you
have to speak up a bit, I can’t hear you.” She continued with the
same thing. I bent over, straining to hear something, but the
closer my face got to her face the less I could hear. I
straightened. People talking, a kid laughing, oh nice: Knuckle Butt
was
barking
, pretty sure
I could even hear a train outside; everything sounded as it should,
that is, there was noise. I bent back over, “Pardon sweetheart?”
Again, nothing, “Do you want something?” I asked her, “Are you
speaking?” It seemed that sound actually dissolved near this little
girl. “Wave if you’re saying something,” I said, as a big ball of
frustration did a cannonball in the middle of my mind. “What’s
wrong?” I made a face at her I intended to mean, ‘Are you okay,’ to
which she had zero reaction. Her little face kept talking
but
not
talking
. “What’s wrong?” I
whispered, thinking maybe that would help. “Is the quiet air around
you too loud? I just…” I shook my head and looked around for help.
“I don’t get it.” I looked back down at her; she was still talking,
but she hadn’t said one audible thing. I smiled at her and I patted
her on the head. I pointed towards Coop. “There’s your dad,” I said
and gently applied some pressure to the back of her head to start
her off in that direction, away from me.

My cell
beeped; a missed call from my dad; it had likely rang when I was
bent over trying to hear
anything
in that
vacuum of space that surrounded that silent girl’s head. But the
head had returned, and stood in my line of sight, under my phone.
When I lifted my head, Coop was standing behind her.

“
We have to
head out, man,” he said, “I have to take her back to her mom
today.”

“
Oh, okay,
cool, yeah, well, thanks a lot for coming, I… is that… where’s
Steven?” I turned my back to him, “I thought he was right here,
have you seen him?” With that statement I turned around in front of
him three times. I was about to go around again when Katie stepped
up, thanked him, and gave me a sharp nudge in my side.

I was pretty
sure it had been a long day, especially judging by the look on Ding
Dings face and the fact that Knuckle Butt had fallen asleep on the
floor in the middle of the room like he’d been shot and had fallen
there.

Most of our
visitors had left, with the remaining few filing out once we’d put
the kids to bed, except for Nate. He, Katie and I sat at the dining
room table getting farther and farther into conversation and
alcohol.

“
See that
video of those guys trying to staple their high five
together?”

I looked at
Nate. “Is this your
Coop
impersonation –
it’s pretty good.” I shook my head, “Please tell me you’re
kidding,” I said tiredly.

“
I’m not,
seriously, they’re screaming in agony and the guy filming it is
laughing his ass off.”

“
Why do you think it’s a guy filming it?” Katie asked him,
“I thought it was a girl because of how
she
was
laughing.” Apparently she had seen it.

Nate looked
at her and shook his head, “No, no girl would be a part of
something
that
…” he squinted
and tilted his head to the side, hoping the right word would
eventually roll along and drop through the right hole.

“
Stupid,” I said for him. “A girl wouldn’t be a part of
something so
STUPID
,” I said
directing the word toward Nate. “Because if they did partake in
such insane, stupid shit; one, we wouldn’t survive as a species,
and, two, Nate here would have a girlfriend that would let him fill
her cheeks with farts.”

Nate looked
at me as though he couldn’t believe I had brought
that
into
this
. How dare I
mention something dumb he had done while on the topic of dumb
things people have done? I looked at him, undisturbed in the
slightest by his resentment. I was quite at ease with not only my
honesty but also telling the truth. I patted him on the shoulder,
“It’s all good, buddy, and, hey, I hope you had the presence of
mind to say, ‘Smell you later,’ when she left.” I tried not to
smile, but Katie got caught in the middle of taking a drink and
snorted, which made me burst out laughing. Nate stared at me and
shook his head. “Sorry, man, I know, I know.” I slid my chair away
from the table so I could stand, “Who needs a beer?” I could only
laugh as they both droned, “Meeee.”