A Taste of Paradise (35 page)

She missed me
, he exulted in a sane moment before he lost the ability to think.

When she began to buck beneath him, he held down her shoulders and began thrusting hard and deep, pumping rhythmically again and again, struggling to hang on until Sophia found her own Paradise.

Beneath him, Sophia screamed, a short, soft cry. Still clutching her shoulders, he drew out and drove in again.
This
was what he had missed. What he had wanted. Was it simply lust or . . .

His thoughts flew away and his world spun out of control. Vaguely he felt Sophia shudder and heard her cry out. Then he surrendered to the hunger driving him and fell into a sensual abyss. His seed exploded from his body into hers, and moments later he collapsed on top of her, limp and sated. He buried his face in her neck, inhaled her scent and murmured her name. “Sophia.”

She stirred beneath him. He rolled away. She flipped over onto her back.

“I was too rough. I'm sorry.”

“I'm fine.”

He climbed out of bed and began to dress. She rose up on one elbow and watched him.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

He met her gaze and caught his breath. She looked so thoroughly loved, so adorably disheveled that he was sorely tempted to climb back in bed. Even her color seemed better. But he needed to return to his ship, collect his trunk and tell his crew that he was giving them extended shore leave.

“I have to return to the
Intrepid
. There's a great deal to be done before I am free to rejoin you. Is it all right if I bring Dirk Blaine home with me tonight for dinner? Can your cook manage all right?”

“Of course, but . . . I hope you're not planning to stay here. It would be better for both of us if you stayed with your brother.”

Chris went still. “Why would I stay with Justin? You're my wife, and this is our home while we're in London.”

Sophia inhaled a fortifying breath. “I don't want to live with you. In fact, I plan on moving to the country when the lease on this house expires. I was going to ask you to settle a sum on me so I can live independently of you. Then you'd be free to do as you please.”

His response came out harsher than he intended. “You're spouting nonsense. Forget about living apart. We're married. Where I go, you go.” He strode to the door, reached for the latch and paused. Without turning around, he asked, “Did making love with me just now mean nothing to you? Not long ago you told me you loved me. Have you changed your mind?”

Sophia felt like crying. Making love with Chris had meant everything to her. She did love him, but she didn't know if her love would be enough for both of them. Though a life without Chris would be devastatingly empty, she couldn't live with him until he learned to forgive himself and her. Her hand flew to her stomach, where his child rested. She would always have a part of him no matter what happened between them.

He spun around and strode back to the bed. “Answer me, Sophia. Do you truly want us to lead separate lives?”

“I want to be with you, Chris, but I fear Desmond will always stand between us. Can you look at me without thinking about the duel that caused his death?”

He merely stared at her.

“I thought not. I cannot live like that, Chris. Can you tell me you love me and mean it?”

Chris wanted to . . . desperately. But the words stuck in his throat. Desmond hovered like a phantom between them. Chris wanted no other woman, but he couldn't tell Sophia he loved her. Their tragic past had built a barrier between them. He wanted Sophia in his bed, in his life, but confessing his love for her still seemed like a betrayal of Desmond's memory.

“I . . . care for you, Sophia. I wouldn't be here if I didn't.”

“That's not enough, Chris. I want more. I
deserve
more. Until you can give me what I need, it's best that we live apart.”

“Best for whom?”

“For both of us.”

Chris kept his expression purposely bland. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“It's not what I want but what I must do.”

“Very well, then, so be it. You can contact me at the Thorn and Thistle if you have need of me.”

It took all Chris's considerable control to walk away when what he really wanted was to be with Sophia, to make love to her until she begged him to stay. Either that or shake some sense into her.

What had happened to her during their brief separation? Had she found someone else? The rage boiling inside him made him want to howl. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, Dunning was there, holding the door open for him.

“If your mistress has need of me,” he said curtly, “send word to me at the Thorn and Thistle.”

He stormed out the door, vowing to search his heart until he found the answers he sought. Chris felt confident that if he succeeded in banishing Desmond's ghost, he would be able to tell Sophia he loved her.

Sophia didn't see Chris again until little Teddy's christening. There was such a crush of people at the house after the church ceremony that Sophia didn't find it difficult to melt into the woodwork. She had seen Chris from afar but had thus far managed to avoid him. She did notice, however, that Amanda was in attendance with Lord and Lady Chester. From her position behind a pillar, she saw Amanda approach Chris and gaze adoringly up at him.

“Are you hiding from Chris?”

Sophia started violently. She had been so engrossed in Chris's response to Amanda that she hadn't heard Grace approaching.

“I didn't know Lady Dartmore would be here,” Sophia said.

“Lady Chester asked if she could bring her niece, and I couldn't say no. You met her in Jamaica, didn't you? Is there some reason you don't like her?”

Sophia glanced at Chris; he was still engaged in conversation with Amanda. Suddenly Chris looked up and met her gaze. The blood rushed to her head. His blue eyes were focused so intently on her that her whole body began to thrum with awareness. She looked away, but not before Grace noted the exchange.

Grace linked arms with Sophia and led her off. “I should check on Teddy. Come with me, we need to talk.”

Sophia had no choice but to comply. At the foot of the stairs, she glanced over her shoulder at Chris and saw that he was watching her. Then she turned and followed Grace up the stairs.

Teddy was sleeping soundly. His nursemaid sat in a chair beside him, gently rocking his cradle. Sophia stepped close to the cradle, bent and placed a kiss upon his soft cheek.

“He's adorable,” she said on a sigh.

“You and Chris could have a child if you both weren't so stubborn. We haven't seen much of Chris lately.” She led Sophia out of the nursery. “I know you arrived at the christening separately; are you and Chris having problems?”

“We're living apart.”

“Oh, Sophia, I'm so sorry. I know you love Chris, can't you work through this?”

“Chris doesn't love me. Desmond's ghost still stands between us. Until Chris absolves himself of guilt and opens his heart to love, I see no hope for us. I asked him to live elsewhere while he's in London.”

“I think Chris
does
love you.”

“I think so, too, but until he acknowledges it, our future looks bleak. I'm fully prepared to raise our child alone.”

Grace grasped Sophia's arm and squeezed. “You're with child? Does Chris know?”

“I haven't told him. You must promise to keep my secret.”

“But, Sophia, you have to tell him.”

“No, Grace, I don't. I wasn't going to tell anyone what happened, but you deserve to know why I am opposed to telling Chris about the babe.” She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I found Amanda Dartmore in his arms in my own foyer. They were kissing. Did you know they once were lovers?”

“No, I didn't know. Forgive me for inviting her, Sophia.”

Sophia patted Grace's hand. “There is nothing to forgive. You couldn't possibly have known. If you don't mind, I'd like to leave now.”

“Of course. I'll have the carriage brought around to take you home. You came in a hired hack, didn't you?” Sophia nodded. “Promise you'll visit me tomorrow so we can discuss this further.”

“Very well, if you insist.”

“I do insist. Come.”

They descended the stairs together.

“Wait here,” Grace said. “I'll have a footman bring your wrap while I speak to Justin about the carriage.”

Sophia's gaze immediately sought Chris. He was still standing in a corner with Amanda. Lord Chester had joined them. When Chris turned in her direction, she refused to meet his gaze. The footman arrived with her wrap and helped her into it. When Sophia looked Chris's way again, he was gone.

Jason appeared and informed her that the carriage awaited her. Sophia stepped out the door. The driver was holding the carriage door open for her. She entered the dark interior and settled on the seat. Immediately she sensed she was not alone. When she seized the door handle, a hand reached out and grasped her arm.

“Don't be afraid, Sophia. It's just me.”

“Chris! You frightened me. Where is Amanda?”

Chris muttered a curse. “Amanda and I are not together.”

“You certainly looked together.”

Chris rapped on the roof and the carriage jerked forward. “This is the first I've seen of Amanda since that day in your foyer.”

“What do you want, Chris? How did you know I was leaving?”

“Grace told me. I entered the carriage before it left the mews. Grace seemed to think we have something to discuss. Do we, Sophia?”

“That's up to you, Chris. You know where I stand in our relationship. You're the only one who can decide if we have a future together.”

The carriage pulled up to Sophia's door. “Let me come in, Sophia. Then you can tell me what Grace thinks we should discuss.”

The driver opened the door. “Not tonight, Chris. I really am exhausted.”

“So nothing has changed,” Chris bit out.

“You tell me. Has anything changed?”

“I—”

“No, Chris. Not tonight. Come day after tomorrow for tea. I promised Grace I'd call on her tomorrow.”

“I'll walk you to the door.”

“That's not necessary.”

“Indulge me.”

He left the carriage first and handed her down. Then he grasped her elbow and walked her to the door.

“You can go now. Dunning always waits up for me. I have but to knock and he'll open the door.”

Chris pulled her into his arms. “I miss you, Sophia. I know we parted with angry words, but that's not how I wish it to end.”

“I don't want that either, Chris.”

“Then why can't we be together if it's what we both want?”

“Because I want more than you're willing to give. We've discussed this before, if you recall.”

“Maybe I'm ready to give you what you want.”

Sophia searched his face. Darkness prevented her from reading his expression. But what she did see gave her a glimmer of hope. Unfortunately, she hadn't been lying. She
was
exhausted, and in no condition to decide the future of her marriage.

Since Chris had returned to London, Sophia hadn't been sleeping well. After several sleepless nights, she might agree to any kind of arrangement Chris suggested, even if it didn't include love. She had to hold firm until she felt strong enough to deal with him. If Chris had banished Desmond's ghost and was ready to acknowledge his love for her, he could wait to tell her until she felt more like herself.

“Day after tomorrow, Chris, I'll be waiting for you.”

Chris had no intention of leaving Sophia without giving her something to think about. During the past several days he had pondered long and hard about the relationship between them and how he would hate to return to Jamaica without her. A future without Sophia in it looked impossibly bleak.

Before she could rap on the door, Chris pulled her into his arms and kissed her. She tasted so sweet, felt so delectable in his arms that he never wanted to let her go. He felt her stiffen, and then she surrendered, melting into his embrace. His arms tightened, he deepened the kiss. He was on the verge of sweeping her up and carrying her back into the carriage when the door opened.

Dunning stood in the opening, unapologetic, his stance confrontational. “Good evening, milady, Captain.”

Chris wanted to strangle the overprotective butler as Sophia pulled away from him.

“I'll see you day after tomorrow, Chris.”

She disappeared inside. Dunning sent him a haughty look and closed the door in his face.

Cursing Dunning's ill timing, Chris returned to the carriage, instructing the driver to take him to his lodgings at the Thorn and Thistle.

Chris sulked in morose silence as the carriage carried him to the inn. Sophia hadn't given him time to tell her what was in his heart. He really did love her and wanted to tell her how much she meant to him. Seven years was too long to mourn a friend's passing. Desmond's death had been a horrible tragedy, but his long absence from Sophia had shown him that he would have no life at all without her. It was time for him to let the past go and give love a second chance.

Chris had also revisited Sophia's role in the tragedy and realized he had judged her unfairly. He and Desmond had been randy bucks, vying for the same woman. Sophia had been young and pressured by her family to marry money. Surely he was mature enough now to understand her position. His epiphany had been a long time coming, but he now knew what he wanted and why.

He wanted Sophia because he loved her. Perhaps he had never stopped loving her.

Sophia was on her way out the door the next day to visit Grace when Rayford arrived on her doorstep. She had seen little of him since her return to England and hadn't missed him.

“What do you want, Ray? I was on my way out.”