A Teeny Bit of Trouble (40 page)

“So we whistled,” Emerson said. She pursed her lips and blew a few notes.

The tarantula moved its front leg up and down like a Maestro conducting an orchestra.

I pulled Sir and Emerson against me, then I slipped my other arm around Coop. I hugged them as hard as I could. I even tried to hug the tarantula’s cage.

We were together. And it was time to go home.

Teeny’s Recipes

The Right to Remain Silent Salsa

Serves: 4

4 ripe Elberta peaches, peeled and chopped (discard pits)

1 cup chopped red onion

1 clove garlic, minced

2 tablespoons jalapeño pepper, minced

¼ cup chopped red bell pepper

¼ cup chopped green bell pepper

3 tablespoons chopped cilantro

2 tablespoons canola oil

2 tablespoons lime juice

1 tablespoon honey

salt and pepper to taste

Place peaches, onion, garlic, peppers, and cilantro in a bowl. In another bowl, whisk oil, lime juice, and honey. Salt and pepper to taste. Pour over peaches and veggies. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and chill at least 45 minutes. Serve with pork, chicken, fish, tacos, or pita wedges.

I’ve Already Hired an Attorney Chips

Serves: 4

4 pitas

¼ cup garlic oil

Sea salt

Black pepper, freshly ground

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cut each pita into 6 to 8 wedges and place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Brush oil over wedges and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes or until chips are evenly browned.

Orange You Sorry You Lied Marinade

Yield: approximately 2¾ cup marinade

1 cup orange-flavored liqueur

½ cup blood orange juice

½ cup peach juice

Whisk until smooth.

Mix in:

¼ cup blood orange zest

¼ cup finely chopped, skinned peaches

4 garlic cloves (peeled and minced)

4 tablespoons stone-ground mustard

½ cup safflower oil

1 teaspoon large-grained salt (sea or Kosher)

2 tablespooons chopped fresh pepper

¼ cup chopped herbs, Italian parsley, and lemon thyme

Pour into a container and refrigerate.

This marinade is perfect for Butt Out of My Life Barbecue, Take Your Lies and Shove Them Tilapia, and Sue Me Shrimp Kabobs.

Aunt Bluette’s Fresh Peach Pie

(A procedure, not a recipe)

Buy or make two pie crusts. Put the bottom crust into a 9-inch pie pan. Peel and slice a dozen ripe Elbertas. Arrange the slices in the bottom of the pie shell. In a bowl, mix ½ cup white sugar, ½ cup brown sugar, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, ½ teaspoon nutmeg, ¼ cup peach preserves, and 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour. Mix and pour over peaches. Dot the mixture with pieces of cold butter. Roll out the second crust. Using a pastry wheel, cut the pastry into strips. Lay strips on top of peaches and make a lattice design. Bake at 375 degrees for 40 minutes. Serve with vanilla ice cream. Garnish with sugared pecans.

Teeny’s Red Velvet Cake

1½ cups white sugar

2 large eggs

½ cup Crisco

2 ounces red food coloring

2 ½ cups sifted cake flour

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 cup buttermilk

1 teaspon Madagasgar vanilla extract

1 tablespoon vinegar

1 teaspoon soda

Cream the Crisco and sugar until fluffy. Beat in the eggs. In a different bowl, mix the cocoa and food coloring. Add to the sugar mixture. Add cake flour, baking powder, salt, buttermilk, and vanilla extract. Blend until all lumps are gone. Add vinegar and soda. Do not beat after adding soda.

Pour into two 9-inch greased cake pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Use a cake tester if you aren’t sure.

Icing

4 tablespoons plain white flour

1 cup whole milk

1 cup confectioners’ sugar

1 cup real butter (unsalted)

1 teaspoon Madagascar vanilla

Whisk flour and milk. Place in a saucepan and cook over a low flame until the mixture is smooth. Cool. In another bowl, cream sugar and butter. Add to the cooked flour mixture and whip until creamy. Add vanilla. Beat untl the mixture is light and fluffy and spreadable.

Variation: Cream cheese icing

acknowledgments

The author would like to thank Jennifer Enderlin, Ellen Levine, Sara Goodman, Lisa Senz, Matthew Shear, Sally Richardson, Matthew Baldacci, Sarah Melnyk, Sarah Goldstein, Nancy Trypuc, Laurie Ritchey, Shirley Hailstock, Jeanne-Marie Hudson, Andy Martin, Lori Wilde, and Lisa Davis.

also by michael lee west

Gone with a Handsomer Man

about the author

Michael Lee West is the author of seven novels, including
Gone with a Handsomer Man, Crazy Ladies, Mad Girls in Love, American Pie,
and
She Flew the Coop,
as well as a food memoir,
Consuming Passions.
She lives with her husband on a farm in Lebanon, Tennessee, with three bratty Yorkshire terriers, a Chinese crested, and assorted donkeys, chickens, sheep, and African Pygmy goats. Her faithful dog Zap was the inspiration for a character in
Mermaids in the Basement.
Visit Michael Lee West at
www.michaelleewest.com
.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

A TEENY BIT OF TROUBLE.
Copyright © 2012 by Michael Lee West. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.minotaurbooks.com

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

West, Michael Lee.

   A teeny bit of trouble / Michael Lee West. — 1st ed.

           p.   cm.

   ISBN 978-0-312-57123-8 (hardcover)

   ISBN 978-1-250-01402-3 (e-book)

 1.  Women cooks—Fiction.   2.  Murder—Investigation—Fiction.   I.  Title.

   PS3573.E8244T44 2012

   813'.54—dc23

2011045369

e-ISBN 9781250014023

First Edition: April 2012