A Thursday Next Digital Collection: Novels 1-5 (178 page)

“No. It seems someone's made an ass of themselves over at Resource Management regarding maintenance schedules, and we've got a—Well, see for yourself.”

He handed me a report, and I flicked through the pages with a rising sense of despair. It was always the same. Someone at admin screws up and we have to pick up the pieces.

“The Piano Squad has been on the go for eight hours straight,” he added, “so I'd like you to step in and relieve them for a rest period. Take your cadets with you. Should be a useful training session.”

My heart sank.

“I've got to appear at the CofG later this afternoon,” I explained, “and if I've a second cadet to nursemaid—”

“I'll make it up to you,” interrupted Bradshaw. “It'll be a doddle—a walk in the park. How much trouble can anyone get into with pianos?”

Y
ou're kidding me?” I said into my mobilefootnoterphone twenty minutes later. I was outside the main entrance to Norland Park as the sun began its downward slope from midday heat into the rare beauty of an Austen literary afternoon. The warm rural environment was rich with the sounds of the plow horse's bridles jingling in the fields, the bees buzzing merrily in the hedgerows and young ladies atwitter with gossip regarding the genteel ensnarement of monied husbands.

“Well,” I added crossly, “just send it as soon as you can.”

I snapped the phone shut.

“Problems?” asked Thursday5, who had been making daisy chains while sitting cross-legged on the warm grass.

“Those twits at TransGenre Taxis,” I replied. “More excuses. They claim there are long backups due to a traffic accident inside
The Great Gatsby
and our cab will be at least an hour.”

“Can't we just jump straight to wherever it is we're going?” She stopped and thought for a moment. “Where
are
we going?”

“The Piano Squad. But we're waiting for someone.”

“Who?”

“We're waiting,” I said, unsure of how to break the news, “for a cadet who is under reappraisal.”

“
Another
cadet?” repeated Thursday5, who seemed vaguely miffed at first but soon recovered. “If only I'd known, I could have baked a welcome cake.”

“I don't think she's a cake sort of person,” I murmured, as a noise like the scrunching of cellophane heralded her arrival. She appeared looking somewhat out of breath, and we all three stared at one another for some moments in silence until both cadets said at precisely the same time:

“What's
she
doing here?”

“Listen,” I said to them both, “I know this is an awkward situation—and a little weird, too, if you want to know my opinion, and if either of you doesn't like it, you can just go straight back to your respective books.”

My latest apprentice glared at me, then at Thursday5, then at me again before saying with a forced smile, “In that case I should probably introduce myself and say what an
incredible
honor it is to be apprenticed to the
great
Thursday Next.”

“Why don't you save your breath—and your sarcasm?” I retorted. I liked a challenge, but this was probably one or two challenges too far. For this, of course, was the
other
Thursday Next, the one from the first four books in the series—the violent ones full of death and gratuitous sex.

“Well, whoop-de-do,” she said quietly, looking at us both. “If this is how the day starts, it can only get better.”

Thursday5 and I stared at the newcomer with a curious kind of fascination. Unlike Thursday5, who always dressed in fair-trade cotton and woolens, this Thursday preferred aggressive black leather. Leather trousers, jacket and a greatcoat that swept to the floor. So much, in fact, that she squeaked when she walked. Her hair was the same length as ours but was pulled back into a ponytail more sharply, and her eyes were hidden by small dark glasses. Attached to her belt were two automatic pistols with the butts facing in so she could cross-draw—heaven knows why. Aside from this and despite being featured in books that were set between 1985 and 1988, she looked exactly as I did—even to the flecks of gray hair that I
still
pretended I didn't care about.

But she wasn't me. She was less like me, in fact, than the talking-to-flowers version, if such a thing was possible. I'd read the books and although she
attempted
to do things for the right reason, her methods could best be described as dubious and her motivations suspect. Thursday5 was mostly thought with very little action; Thursday1–4 was mostly action with very little thought. The series had sacrificed characterization for plot, and humor for action and pace. All atmosphere had evaporated, and the books were a parade of violent set pieces interspersed with romantic interludes, and when I say “romantic,” I'm stretching the term. Most famous was her torrid affair with Edward Rochester and the stand-up catfight with Jane Eyre. I had thought it couldn't get any worse until Mrs. Fairfax turned out to be a ninja assassin and Bertha Rochester was abducted by aliens. And all that was just in the first book. It got more far-fetched after that. By book four it felt as though the first draft had been torn apart by wolves and then stuck back together at random before publication.

I took a deep breath, inwardly cursed Commander Bradshaw and said, “Thursday…meet Thursday.”

“Hello!” said Thursday5 brightly, offering a hand in reconciliation. “
So
pleased to meet you, and happy birthday—for yesterday.”

Thursday looked at Thursday's outstretched hand and raised an eyebrow.

“I've had the misfortune to read
The Great Samuel Pepys Fiasco,
” she said in an unfriendly tone. “If you took the ‘Samuel Pepys' out of the title, it would be a lot more honest. A bigger crock of shit I've yet to find. I kept on waiting for the shoot-outs to begin, and there weren't any—just a load of hugging, vitamins and people saying they love one another.”

“There's nothing wrong with hugging,” retorted Thursday5 defensively. “Perhaps if you were to try…?”

She put out her arms but was met with the curt response, “Lay your muesli-smelling paws on me and I'll break your nose.”

“Well!” said Thursday5 in an indignant huff. “I'm almost sorry I wished you a happy birthday—and I'm
very
glad I didn't bake you a cake.”

“I'm devastated.”

“Listen,” I said before this descended into blows, “I'm not going to
ask
you to get along, I'm
telling
you to get along. Okay?”

Thursday1–4 gave a lackadaisical shrug.

“Right,” I began, addressing Thursday1–4. “There are three simple rules if you want to train with me. Rule One: You do exactly as I tell you. Rule Two: You speak when you're spoken to. Rule Three: I shall call you ‘Thursday1–4' or ‘Thur1–4' or Onesday or…anything I want, really. You will call me ‘ma'am.' If I summon you, you come running. Rule Four: You give me any crap and you're history.”

“I thought you said there were only three rules.”

“I make it up as I go along. Do you have any problem with that?”

“I suppose not.”

“Good. Let's start at the beginning. How much classroom theory have you done?”

“Six weeks. Took my finals last Tuesday and came in third.”

“That's not bad.”

“How many in the class?” asked Thursday5, who was still smarting over the possibility that her hands smelled of muesli, let alone the threat of a broken nose.

Thursday1–4 glared at her and mumbled, “Three, and two percent above the minimum pass mark, before you ask. But I scored ninety-nine percent on the range. Pistols, rifle, machine gun, grenade launcher—you name it.”

This was the main reason I didn't like the Thursday Next series—far, far too many guns and a body count that would be the envy of the cinematic Rambo. Thursday1–4 unholstered an aggressive-looking automatic and showed it to us both.

“Glock nine-millimeter,” she said proudly. “Sixteen in the clip and one up the spout.
Severe
stopping power. I carry two to make quite sure.”

“Only two?” I murmured sarcastically.

“No, since you're asking.” She lifted up the back of her leather greatcoat to show me a large, shiny revolver stuffed down the back of her trousers.

“What do you carry?” she asked. “Beretta? Browning? Walther?”

“None,” I said. “Charge into a room with a gun and someone ends up dead.”

“Isn't that how it's supposed to work?”

“In
your
books, perhaps. If someone dies during an assignment, then the assignment was a failure. No exceptions.”

“Diplomacy and using your head,” put in Thursday5 bravely, “are better than waving a gun around.”

“And what would you know about it, your supreme bogusness?”

“You don't have to insult me
all
the time,” she replied, visibly upset. “And besides, I'm not sure ‘bogusness' is a word.”

“Well, listen here, veggieburger,” said the leather-clad Thursday in a sneering tone of voice, “I
do
have to insult you all the time. Firstly because it's fun, and secondly because…No, I don't need a second reason.”

“Jeez,” I said, shaking my head sadly as all patience left me. “You're still revolting, aren't you?”

“Revolting?” she retorted. “Perhaps. But since I'm mostly you, I guess you're partly to blame, right?”

“Get this straight in your head,” I said, moving closer. “The only thing you share with me is a name and a face. You can have a go at
The Great Samuel Pepys Fiasco
all you want, but at least it's not a constant orgy of comic-book violence and abundant, meaningless sex.”

“Oh, I'm sorry—is that a criticism? Or just wishful thinking on your part? Because I was having a look at the figures the other day and I'm still selling strongly.” She turned to the
Pepys
Thursday. “How many books have
you
sold in the past five years?”

It was a pointed yet strictly rhetorical remark.
The Great Samuel Pepys Fiasco
had been remaindered less than six months after publication.

“You don't hate
me,
” said Thursday1–4 to Thursday5. “You secretly want to be like me. If you want to hate anyone, hate
her
.” She directed this comment at me.

“Why would I?” asked Thursday5, close to tears.

With a creaking of leather, Thursday1–4 moved closer to her and said in a low voice, “Because she insisted that your book was full of touchy-feely family values—pet dodo, gardening, a husband, two lovely kids—”

“Three.”

“What ever. They asked me to do book five, but I took one look at the script and told them to stick it.” She pointed a gloved finger at me. “Her personal vanity condemned you to the slow death of being unread, unreviewed, undiscussed and out of print. The real Thursday is as single-minded as I am—even to the ultimate vanity of rewriting herself into the guise of little Miss Granola Tree-Hugger here—with no other reason than to protect her own fragile vanity, Z-class celebrity status and inconsequential public opinion. She and I are more alike than she thinks.”

She stopped talking with a triumphant smile on her face. The other Thursday looked at me with tears in her eyes, and I was feeling hotly indignant myself, mostly because what she was saying was
true
. The only reason I'd taken on Thursday5 at all was that I felt responsible. Not just because she
was
an insufferable drip, but because she was an unread one as well.

“Oh, no!” said Thursday5, giving out a heavy sob. “Now all my chakras are
completely
unaligned—can I have the rest of the day off?”

“Good idea,” said Thursday1–4 with an unpleasant chuckle. “Why not go and meditate? After all, it's better than doing nothing the whole day.”

Thursday gave another cry of indignation, I told her she could leave, and she did so with a faint
pop
.

“Listen,” I said, also lowering my voice, “you can do your character-assassination crap all day if you want, but that's not important. What
is
important is that the CofG in all its misguided wisdom seems to think you might be good enough for Jurisfiction. Five previous tutors don't agree.
I
don't agree. I think you're a viper. But it's not up to me. It's up to you. For you to join Jurisfiction, you need to learn how to survive in the hostile and dynamic textual environment. You and I are going to spend the next few days together whether I like it or not, and since my conduct review of you is the only thing that counts toward your final acceptance at Jurisfiction, you need to try
really
hard not to piss me off.”

“Ahh!” she murmured patronizingly. “She does speeches. Listen, sister, you may be a big cheese at Jurisfiction
today,
but if I were you, I'd show a keen sense of diplomacy. I'll have the Bellman's job one day—and I'll be looking out only for my friends. Now, are you going to be a friend or not?”

“Good Lord,” I said in a quiet voice, “the Cheshire Cat was right—you really are
completely
obnoxious. Is that your final word?”

“It is.”

“Then you can piss off back to your boxed set right now. Give me your badge.”

She seemed perturbed for an instant. Her all-consuming arrogance had not even
once
entertained the notion she might actually be fired. But, true to form, instead of even attempting conciliation, she went into more threats:

“The CofG cadet selection subcommittee won't be happy.”

“Screw
them
. Your badge?”

She stared at me with a sense of rising confusion. “You'd fire…
me
?”

“Just have. Give me your badge or I'll place you under arrest.”

She took the Jurisfiction Cadet's shield from her pocket and slapped it into my open palm. Without that or a travel permit, she was technically a PageRunner and could be erased on sight.

“Good day,” I said. “I won't say it's been a plea sure, because it hasn't.”

And I walked away, pulling out my mobilefootnoterphone as I did so.

“Hello, Bradshaw? I've just fired Thursday1–4. I'm amazed anyone lasted more than ten minutes with her—I didn't.”
1

“Yes, already. Tell Jobsworth we did our best.”
2

“Too bad. I'll take the flak for it. This one's a serious piece of—”