A Way to Get By (8 page)

   He tried to gain the upper hand as he asked, “How can I guarantee you’ll make this happen?” but he was already filling out the check.

   I shrugged. “I guess you can’t. But you seem to think you can do it without me. This is just a little extra added insurance that
I
won’t be the thing standing in your way.”

   He ripped the note out of its binding and handed it across the desk with a sneer. I couldn’t understand the confident look on his face. Didn’t he just lose this battle?

   “Jesus, Edwards. I never thought you’d stoop so low as to sell your own wife.”

   My hands were clenched in fists as I ripped the payment from his fingers. “
I
can’t believe you’d stoop so low as to even
suggest
that this is what’s happening here. The fact is, you pompous little shit,
I know you can give her a good life. And like you said, I’m a sucker for her happiness. If Bren is happy, I’ll be happy.” I held up his check between us. “I look at this as nothing more than icing on the cake.”

Chapter 14

Tell Her About It

EDDIE
Thursday, October 9

1980

“E
ddie, I told you there was no reason to come over here. We could’ve discussed this on the phone.”

  
Hello to you, too, Bren.
I hadn’t even stepped one foot into my own apartment yet and she was already trying to get me to leave.
“I wanted to see you. Let’s call it an early birthday present.”

  
She leaned against the door frame, her expression
irritated.
“Do you really think that’s healthy right now? We’re supposed to be getting used to the idea of being apart, remember?”

  
“I’ll never get used to it, Bren.”

   She sighed and stepped to the side, allowing me access to my home for the first time in weeks. I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed the crappy little place. It was a decent apartment in a low-rent complex with a single bedroom, a cramped bath, and a “cozy” living room sporting wall-to-wall shag. The selling point was the kitchen. Since I made my living as a chef, it was truly the only room that I cared about, and thankfully, my fiancée indulged my request. Brenda supported me enough to settle for a dilapidated apartment in a questionable neighborhood in order to let me have my state-of-the-art workspace.

   And boy did we have our fun in every inch of it.

   A montage played across my brain, all the many encounters we’d had in every corner of this room over the years. The couch, the coffee table, against the fridge…

   I ran my hand over the snack bar, thinking about one wild night in particular—we’d gone for it right on top of my abandoned attempt at strudel—and stopped short when I spotted the legal documents scattered across its surface.

   The sight of our divorce papers shot a bullet through my heart. “Breaking out some light reading, Bren?”

   She bit her lip and nodded her head. “I was just getting everything organized so I could mail them to you.” She slid onto the stool at the counter and explained, “I went to see Tony and Ginny to apologize. Ginny immediately started crying, told me how sorry she was for the way things went down the other night at dinner.”

   Classic Ginny. The woman was too softhearted to ever hold a grudge.

   “Anyway, she had Tony draft up a list of lawyers for us. I met with a few and finally found one who would start the paperwork with a minimal retainer. I used this month’s rent money for the down payment.” She paused on an inhale. “I was thinking maybe I could sell my ring to pay him the rest?”

   “You
what?
” I sneered. “Bren. There’s no way I’d let you do that. How could you even consider—”

   “I didn’t know what else to do! I’m sorry. I figured I could buy it back someday.” Her defiant posture finally deflated as she took a shaky breath. A tear rolled down her cheek and landed on the sleeve of her magenta blouse. I was relieved to see a hint of the real Brenda coming through, even if the trade-off was having to see her cry. “I can’t imagine I would’ve ever been able to go through with it anyway. I just didn’t see any other options. Even after calling…”

   
Brummell
. She didn’t say it out loud, though. She didn’t have to. I already knew.

    I reached my hand out toward her but stopped short of actually touching her shoulder. “It’s okay, Bren. Just… I’m glad you thought to ask me first.” My mouth cracked a small smile as I added, “But I don’t think we could get enough cash from that piddly thing to even buy a bowl of soup, much less pay a lawyer.”

   That wrung a choked laugh from her throat.

   “Besides,” I added proudly, “I already came up with the money.”

* * *

Ten minutes later, I wasn’t feeling quite so proud.

   “You sold me to
Beau Brummel?”
Bren shrieked as she paced around the living room, practically bouncing off the walls as she huffed into the air.

   “Calm down. I didn’t ‘sell’ you. Jesus. Why does everyone keep saying that?”

   Bren stopped her pacing as a dead silence hung between us. “Everyone who? Who else knows about this?”

   “No one. Just… Brummel said the same thing.”

   She threw her hands in the air and shouted, “So even
he
thinks he bought me? What the hell, Eddie?”

   “Oh, so
you
can go to him for money but I can’t?” She went silent at that as I massaged my neck and tried to make her see the logic in my decision. “Look. You and I both know that you’ve been in contact with the guy. I wouldn’t have done this if I didn’t already know you wanted it. Brummel can give you the kind of life I never could. I thought I was doing a good thing.”

   “My husband playing matchmaker could never be a good thing. What were you
thinking?
”

   I couldn’t keep the derision from my voice as I snickered and answered, “I was thinking I’d help you in your quest to cash in.”

   Her mouth dropped open as her eyes turned to slits. The look she was aiming at me felt like a slap across the face. Man, was she
pissed
. “If I wanted to be obligated to the guy, I would have accepted the money he offered me. But I didn’t. I turned him down. And then you go and take it anyway! You really think Beau Brummel is what I want?! You think I can’t do better than him?!”

   I gave a rub to my jaw and shot back, “You
did
do better than him. You were married to
me
, remember?”

   “Of course I remember. I thought we’d live happily ever after.”

   “I
was
happy.”

   “Yeah, well too bad you had to go and mess everything up.”

   I couldn’t even have this argument with her anymore. We’d been talking in this same circle for months. I knew I wasn’t going to change her mind.

   She let out with a sigh, running a hand over her hair. “So what happens now, Eddie? If I don’t share his bed, you’ll have to give the money back?”

   “That’s not how this works. I wouldn’t do that to you. He paid me to back off and give you the okay, not to set you two up. I made it very clear that if you don’t want him, then that’s his problem. I won’t have to give it back.” I pulled my wallet from my pocket and rifled through the fold of bills, landing a sizeable stack of them on the coffee table. “Here. I only came by to give you some of it. PSE&G sent another damned shutoff notice weeks ago, and you’re obviously behind on the rent.” I raised an eyebrow at her as a sarcastic grin escaped from my lips. “
Brummel
will probably take over the rest eventually, but at least you’ll be caught up until then.”

   She put her hands on her hips, shaking her head in disbelief. “I really hate that you made this decision for me.”

   “Look, Bren. I know you like him. You wouldn’t have bothered keeping in touch with him if there wasn’t at least
something
there. I hate the guy, but I know he’s always been good to you. I wouldn’t have gone along with it if he was a total asshole. I just want to see you happy, I swear. It kills me, but if Brummel is going to be the guy to do it, I’d make the decision ten times over.”

   “So, you’re okay with this?”

   “No, Bren! Of course I’m not okay! But dammit. I’d rather know you were moving onto a decent guy you already know than some random jerk off the street.”

   She crossed her arms, staring off at the air behind my head.
“I don’t even know if I’m ready for this.”

   “Well, get ready. Because it’s happening.
You’re
the one that made sure of that. You’ve been heading down this road for months.
I’m
just finally ready to acknowledge it.”

   Part of me knew it was the truth. But another huge part of me was waiting for her to deny it, to tell me she didn’t want him, she only wanted me, we didn’t need to do this, we could find a way to work it out. I mimicked her crossed arms and stared her down, waiting for her to put a stop to this whole thing.

   “Okay, Eddie. You’re right.” She looked down at her feet, unable to meet my eyes as she added, “We both know I’ve been keeping Beau on the backburner. Maybe it’s time I do something about it.”

  
As if on cue, the phone rang. Brenda slipped away to the bedroom to go answer it, shutting the door behind her.

   I headed into the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face and grab the milk of magnesia out of the medicine cabinet. The entirety of the room was a pukey, Pepto-Bismol pink, a fitting accompaniment to the shot of Phillips’ I downed to settle my stomach. I sank down on the fluffy pink bath mat and waited for it to take effect, surrounded by the familiar aromas that comprised Brenda’s unique scent: The Oil of Olay on the counter, the Noxzema at the edge of the sink. The bar of Dove on the soap dish, the Dippity-Do crusted onto her hot rollers. I reached over to the ledge of the tub and pulled down a kelly-green bottle of shampoo, popped the top and took a whiff, inhaling it as though I were seeking my fix.

   I was.

   I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the tub, allowing the sweet fragrance to flow through my nostrils, imagining Brenda was right there on top of me, her long, black hair draped across my face. The blood under my skin felt electrified, coursing through my veins like a hot current.

   And I knew that it was over.

   It was the end.

   A flip had been switched, and I suddenly realized that from here on out, I’d be a different person from the one I thought I knew, the guy I was when I fell in love with Bren. Now I knew there’d be a black mark on my record for all eternity. One that could never be erased.

   Two stupid kids managed to fall in love and get married. We laughed and we loved and we drove each other crazy. And we were happy. But then, after all that, the rules changed. And suddenly, that good, decent part of us—that healthy, wholesome part of us—was just… done.

   No matter how things played out, come what may, we’d never be the same.

   How was I supposed to live without her? I had no idea how I was going to face the next hours much less the endless years to come. Actual tears gathered behind my eyes as I let out with a choppy breath, the pain in my chest an unbearable ache.

  
I put the bottle of Prell back on the ledge and got to my feet. I snuck back out to the living room (taking note of the still-closed bedroom door) before rifling through the legal papers on the snack bar. I barely gave any of them a second glance as my hand automatically signed next to every X. Then I scribbled a quick note for Brenda, took a long, final look around the apartment… and stepped out the front door for the last time.

Bren-

I’m writing this so I don’t have to say goodbye in person. It’s too hard to face you. It’s too hard to leave you. It’s too hard to be left with so many unanswered questions.

And yet, I can’t do anything other than smile when I look around this crappy little place. I can’t believe I’m actually going to miss it. This is where we started, the place we chose to build our life together, and I can’t look back with anything other than gratitude.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Eleven years ago on that day, we had our first date.

You should know that I’ve loved you during every moment since then. I will love you every minute we’re apart. I will love you even when my soul is beyond soothing, my heart is still bleeding. I will remember your smile and your laugh and the smell of your skin, although I’ll be trying my damnedest to forget.

I’ve loved these days.

I’ll hate the days to come.

Farewell, my love.

Yours,

Ed