A Wicked Beginning (18 page)

I glared at him. “I’ll say…you broke my heart.”

His eyebrows went up. “Can’t say that I fared much better watching you and Fabio... But I really don’t want to trade pot shots, babe.”

Wow, he was acting really mature. I sure wasn’t. “So then what happened?” I added with a pouty face.

“I’m not sure this story will be useful, babe.”

“I want to hear it. If you don’t tell me what happened, I’m going to fabricate a story in my head, and I guarantee you that my story will be worse than yours really is, Cam. And I’ll hold it over you the rest of my life.” I narrowed my eyes at him. My lips were in a thin, tight line.

Cam sat there, considering. His face, which had looked so bright a few moments ago, now looked drawn and pale. Then he blew his breath out from between pursed lips and continued. “So we went to a bar and got hammered. She asked me if I wanted to go see her room. Again, I didn’t want to, but I figured I had flipped the switch to self-destruct so I may as well follow her.”

I tapped my foot nervously. “And then?”

“And then she took her blouse off, and I said I loved you and couldn’t be with anyone else. And she got sick, and I helped her to the bathroom and held her head over the toilet. Then, she passed out on the bed; I tucked her in and left.”

We both fell silent. Cam looked out the window, his face brooding. He glanced over at the spilled coffee and went out into the kitchen to retrieve some paper napkins. When he returned he dabbed at the mess, crushed the napkins into a tiny ball, and tossed it into his cup of joe, before settling back down on the couch. I stared at the fake, green suede couch pillows. The cats strolled into the living room and jumped on the chair. They sniffed me, looked at one another, jumped down, and disappeared. “And the next scene…?”

“I sobered up and felt like I should have followed through with my self-destruction. So I went to the conference the next morning, and then brought her coffee and muffins. She looked like hell, but I kissed her. And I wanted to fuck her. I missed you, I hated myself, and I was horny. But she said no.”

I bit my lip. My foot was jiggling back and forth, and I had this weird floaty feeling in my chest. This was hard to listen to. My gut was knotted so hard it felt like my grandma was wringing it out with her strong farm woman hands. But I knew I had to hear the whole story. “Okay, hard-ass, keep it rolling.”

“And then I called you…I wanted to confess, say I’m sorry, and come home. But when you got on the phone with me, I chickened out and broke up with you instead.”

There it was. He broke up with me and then he could feel justified in fucking her. A mature thought started to form in my head. I tried to push it away, but it persisted in making an appearance.
You weren’t much better, ma chère, spending time with me.
Kayden…of course he was here with me. But why was he defending Cam?
Because you are my heart and my heart is not happy right now.

He was right. I was sad, sad, sad… Sad and hurt…“Okay, so tell me how the story ends,” I sighed.

Cam’s eyes were encircled with dark, angry smudges the color of a bruise. “I had sex with her after that. Then I came home. I missed you like crazy. But I didn’t deserve you. So I had a couple sex dates with Angela.”

“Did you like having sex with her?” I couldn’t help but ask the question.

“Truth?” Cam looked at me pointedly.

I gave him an equally pointed a look. “Truth…” I confirmed.

“Yes and no. I liked it that I could let go with her. I wanted it to be you, though. I would look down and see her and loathe myself. I don’t find her all that attractive. And she wasn’t…she isn’t
you
.”

“What do you mean you could let go with her?”

He shrugged. “I mean that I always seemed to hold back with you. Like I would break you or you wouldn’t want me if I let you see the potency of my sexual energy. And then, after your discovery of having been sexually molested, you seemed so fragile. And you kept pushing me away. I think you know by now I’m a really sensual, sexual guy. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t get some release.”

Ouch. I stared at him, my eyes a wash of pain. “I thought there was Mr. Hand,” I snipped.

He let out a guffaw. “Mr. Hand and I weren’t getting along back then. I thought you’d walk in on me or criticize me or something if you ever caught me doing that.”

I picked up the pillow next to me and began running my palm back and forth over it. “I was hurting, Cam. I was confused, bewildered, and betrayed by my childhood. And I needed you. I really needed you during that time, and you left me.” A fresh wave of tears stung my eyes.

“I know…it wasn’t very mature. I can’t apologize enough. I want to show you…now that we’re seeing each other again…I want to show you that I can do better.”

I gave him a small smile and watched his face brighten a little. “I’d like that…” I said in a small voice. “And I’d like to show you that you don’t have to hold back with me.”

A wicked smile formed on his face. “And I’d like
that
. Don’t get me started. I’m a little bit raw right now, and I don’t think I can deal with the fucking star dreamling and his claw marks.”

I began scrunching the corners of the pillow in my lap. I bunched the cushion into a wad and let it find its shape again. “Okay, Cam, I get that it was a difficult time…for both of us…so many changes.” I looked up at his expectant face. “But this Angela was weird, Cam. She was dressed all hot and sexy, and she smoked the same cigarettes like you’ve got in your glove box, and she had her lighter engraved with AMT. I think the ‘T’ stands for your last name – Tyson. When I asked her if she’d gotten married, she said ‘not yet, there have been complications in the plan.’ And she kept blowing smoke in my face, and when I told her that we were back together she said to tell you hi and that she’d be in touch.”

Cam groaned and fell back on the couch. “Fuck,” he intoned.

“Fuck is right, Cam. I think she intends to marry you.”

“Not going to happen, Chérie. You’re the one for me, not her. After you told me back in the gym that day…you know when you took me down on the mat…?” He pulled a sarcastic face. “After you told me that, I had one last date with her the night Jill pulled that stunt, and you almost got gang raped.” He shuddered. “God, I thought I was going to lose my mind when I saw you lying there so still. I thought you were dead.” I watched him swipe his eyes. “So I never saw her again…and she kept calling me and texting me. I finally had to have her number blocked. I think she’s mental or something. She’s a bit deranged. Therapist, heal thyself,” he muttered darkly. He looked out at the window again and took another deep breath. Then he looked directly into my eyes. I felt like I was falling into the sea as I gazed at those blue, blue eyes. “So are we okay again, Chér? I don’t think I can endure being without you again. But if that’s what you want, tell me now so I can get out before I’m in any deeper.”

“Yeah, we’re okay.” I bunched up the pillow again. “That wasn’t easy to hear.” My eyes filled with tears again.

“I’ll bet. It wasn’t easy to say. I was such an ass.” He continued to sit and wait for me to make a move. “I could try one of those heartfelt kisses,” he said with a sweet smile. “We could kiss and make up.”

“No. One more thing…” I watched his face fall. “She said… Angela, I mean…Angela said we might not make it. That you never knew what could happen.”

Cam’s face clouded over with anger again. “Goddamn it, she’s such a bitch. Well,
she
is not in charge of us. She can’t call me, doesn’t know where I live…I think she’s just a crazy bitch. Fuck her and the ground she walks on.”

I looked at him with a flat face, devoid of expression. “I don’t want to fuck her, and I hope you don’t either.”

Cam looked exasperated. “It’s just a figure of speech, babe. Goddamn it.” He got up and started pacing around the room. “I’ll be right back,” he said through clenched teeth.

“Where are you going?”

“For a walk in the yard… I promise I’ll be right back.”

I watched his back disappear out the front door, his hands clenched into fists. I grabbed the pillow and clamped it to my stomach.

Kayden whispered in my head.
This is a good thing, ma chère. He needs to cool down without harming him or you.

“Why are you on his side?” I muttered.

An annoyed whisper followed.
I am not going to answer that, chère. I told you this answer. You’re on your own here.

Okay, I deserved that. He
had
just said that when I wasn’t happy, he wasn’t happy. “Sorry,” I said to the air.

The door knob turned, and Cam walked back inside. He walked over to me and held out his hand. “Come here,” he stated. I stood up. “Remember this?” He held the cat’s eye up to my heart. “I did…and do. You and I are in this small stone.”

I smiled at him. “Did you use the cat’s eye to help you calm down?”

“Duh…” He smiled warmly at me. “It’s got Essence of You in it. Works like a charm…”

“Well, then…” I looked up at him and batted my eyelashes. “About that kiss…”

Without another word, Cam reached over and kissed me long, deep, and oh, so tenderly. I could feel the love radiating from his chest. When he released me he declared, “Ta da! I’m getting pretty good at this.”

“You are, Cam. You are indeed. I’m proud of you.”

He beamed like he’d just received the best compliment in the world. Then he grabbed me and twirled me around in a circle. It was like we were children, just playing around on the school yard.

“I like who you are becoming, Cam...”

“That’s good because I love who you are becoming, Chérie. More, more, I say.”

I had never seen such lightness in the man. Cam was growing young again. Or perhaps young for the first time ever…

“Cam…” I began.

“What?”

“I feel like you and I are teenagers, falling in love for the first time ever.”

He laughed. “Well, why the fuck not? We can rewrite our life stories, can’t we?”

“Should I call you Romeo?”

“Nooo…tragic ending. How about if you call me Cam, or baby, or lover, or something like that?” He gave an infectious grin. “Deal…?”

“Deal,” I said. My face became serious again. “But what if she tries to break us up?”

“We’re stronger than that, babe. I told you, she’s mental. We’ll deal with whatever she flings our way…if she flings anything. She could have just been in a sour mood seeing you. But if she comes around, we’ll deal with it together.”

I put my side next to his. “Like this?”

He chuckled. Then he pivoted around me like I had done to him the other evening. “And like this,” he said back to back, “…and like this,” he stated side to side, “…and like this.” He faced me and brought me close. “Especially like this.”

“I remember…” I snuggled into his hard chest. “Okay, hot shot, I’ve got to get to the bank or a check will bounce. Want to come with me?”

“I sure do, babe. I’ll drive you myself.”

He put his arm out like a gentleman and proffered his elbow. I tucked my hand in his. “This is more fun than before, don’t you think?”

“I couldn’t agree more, babe.” He opened the front door. “After you…” And then he followed me out into the cloudless day.

Chapter 19 – Cam

Two days later, Cam arrived at the sweat lodge location. He was feeling pretty good, having been the fire tender two nights in a row and having had that talk with Chérie the other night. Hell, that scene right out of ‘true confessions’ had been hard. But he had been honest about it, and Chérie had seemed to accept his story. He knew it cut her to the soul, but she dealt with it. She fucking dealt with it, and he had that much more love and respect for her as a result. In fact, he was stoked because they were growing together. They were evolving and changing
together
. He thought of the little movement they’d done – side to side, back to back, side to side, and front to front. He chuckled softly thinking about it.

He pulled along the side of the road and got out. As he walked over, he waved to some of the men. “Hey, Charley….Andrew…” He turned to see the young man he’d met the other night – he was tall, slender, with the brightest smile he’d ever seen on a guy. The guy must’ve been 19, 20…and wore his straight black hair long. “Hey, Lightning Rod…” The young guy’s nick name was Lightning Rod. Cam shook his head. Whatever…He strode over to where the men who were sweating tonight had gathered. Some of them had undressed already, and they stood with blankets around their shoulders, shifting from foot to foot to stay warm in the cool night air. Others kept their clothes on until the very last minute. They nodded at Cam when he approached.

The sweat lodge elder, a small, old man with a wrinkled face made for smiling, walked over to Cam. “You ready, son?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” He couldn’t remember ever hearing the word ‘son’ said so warmly to him.

“Just follow along, and you’ll be fine. The lodge has a life of its own. I’ll go in first and bless and awaken the space. The others will follow. Move in the same direction as everyone else. Then, when the flap has closed, pray hard. Hard, but not long…you’ll want your prayers to fit through the eye of a needle.”