A Year Straight (20 page)

“Ha! Cheers to that!”
Clink.

We ate and talked, all the while reaching over each other for another dumpling or helping of curry.

“Then he finally broke down,” Megan continued, “when he realized I was really calling it off. He told me he loved me, but he still didn't offer to commit to me. Instead he nearly started crying, saying, ‘I'm so fucked up,' and all this bullshit, which normally I'd fall for.” She took an assertive sip of her Thai iced tea from a straw. “The old me would have sat down next to him on the bed, placed my hand on his back, and listened. But instead I was like, ‘Yes, yes you are,' and I grabbed my bag and walked out without looking back. I was kind of shocked, like,
Is this me?
It felt so incredible. I guess something in me had finally had enough, because some other force took over.”

“You go girl. And I hear you. Theo is so nice, which, in the past, might have been a turnoff for me. But I'm old enough now to find kindness attractive. It's about time. It's kind of like you said, something in me had had enough. I'd reached a point where I was like,
Really? This is what's out there?
It
was alarming. I was about done with dating. It didn't matter whether I found myself with a woman or a man in the end. I just wanted to be with someone kind and warm and ready, and dating sometimes makes that feel less and less likely. And then Theo came along.”

When we'd polished off every last bite, we went to get ice cream, all the while crossing our fingers that my computer would continue downloading the movie I chose for us to watch.

“Oh my gosh, Theo would love this!” I said, picking up a new Ben & Jerry's flavor: Half Baked. “Chocolate chip cookie dough is his favorite.”

“I know, you said that already.”

“I did?”

“Yes, at the part about the mini-golf date.”

“Oh right. God, I really am smitten, aren't I?”

“You sound a little like me with Jared. Are you sure this guy's as great as he seems? I mean, you don't have the best gauge, Miss Lez.”

“I know, I know. But trust me, I'm sure.”

“Well, I'm just checking, because you have a little bit of that possessed thing, when you first meet someone and all you can do is think about them.”

“That's not true!”

We brought our ice cream home, grabbed two spoons, and plopped down on the couch to watch
Ratatouille.

“This is the movie you picked?” Megan asked, clearly displeased.

“It's good, trust me!”

“Wait, you've already seen it? Let me guess, with your new girlfriend, Theo?”

“What?”

“You are such a lesbian. Let me guess, you're moving in together.”

“Whatever. Just pass me the ice cream.”

When Megan left, I called Theo back and we talked until 3:00 a.m. I fell asleep curled up under the covers like I did back in middle school, when I'd sneak phone calls past my bedtime. The following morning, my cheeks were sore from smiling.

 

 

“I'M HERE, DUMBASS.”

“Be right down!” I ran out into the hallway, called the elevator, rummaged through my bag for my keys, ran back into my apartment for my lipstick, locked the door behind me, and dove into the elevator just as the doors threatened to close. Gwen Stefani serenaded me on my way down to the lobby: “If I could escape and re-create a place that's my own world.” Mine was the only residential elevator I knew of that played music, theme songs for the movie of my life.

“Come on, we're late.” TJ flicked the back of my head.

“And whose fault is that?” I went in for the attack hug,
wrapping my arms around her, pinning her arms to her side. “I missed you!”

“Get off me with your sperm germs.” TJ pushed me away and then pulled me back toward her, resting her arm too heavily on my shoulder.

“Ow.”

TJ, not short on subway fare but forever a rebel, jumped the turnstile.

“I'm nervous,” I said as we boarded the train.

“Dude, chill out. The MTA police aren't going to arrest you by association.”

“No, dumb ass. I'm nervous about seeing people at the party.” We were headed to the birthday barbecue of one of our friends.

“You're old news, Miss Lez. Cheryl just got a part on
The L Word,
so everyone's all excited about that. And hey, when you meet Antonella, talk about how tough I am, okay?”

On the patio of the Cattyshack, I took my time dressing my tofu pup in every condiment on the table, dreading the one question I couldn't answer myself: Why a guy? My friend Erica bumped elbows with mine and reached across me for the ketchup.

“Hey, Miss Lez, where have you been? We've missed you. I hear your new boyfriend's a chef. When's he going to cook for us?”

How did she know about Theo already? I emitted a nervous giggle.

“As soon as he's sure it won't be him on the spit,” I joked.

As the night rolled on, we gossiped, played beer pong, and made s'mores on the grill. To my relief, no one was grilling me. It felt good to be back on familiar turf. Then one of my butch friends, Hillary, came over and sat sidesaddle across my lap. She knocked back the rest of her beer. Her weight, all muscle leaning into me, made it difficult to breathe.

“So, Miss Lez, what do you think of my new grill? It's a ForeMAN.”

I looked up at her. TJ spit some beer onto the patio. My distraught expression prompted Hillary to modify her tone. She shifted on my lap, softening from confrontational to playful. “Well,” she said, handing me a beer, “mine's top of the line. Fully loaded.” And then she winked at me. “Cheers.” We clinked bottles and she got up to throw more charcoal on the grill.

Later, as the sun was setting, I was watching women cuddle up together and counting the water tower silhouettes on distant rooftops when I was hit with the New York Feeling. It happens now and then, and it comes on suddenly and strong. The beauty of the city, in all its complexity, combined with the realization that I live there, takes my breath away. This time was followed by a wave of nostalgia, for which I was no match. I sensed a cry coming on. I locked myself in the bathroom. A few minutes passed before there was a knock on the door.

“Just a sec.”

“It's me, jackass.”

I opened the door. Upon sight of my tears, TJ sighed and shut the door behind her.

“Look, I didn't tell them about your sexcapades. They must have heard from somewhere else. Word travels faster than your nose is running right now. Here.” She handed me a wad of toilet paper.

“It's not that,” I said, blowing my nose. “I don't even know why I'm crying.” I rolled up another wad of toilet paper and blew my nose some more. “I miss this.”

“This?”

“This.” I waved my arm around the graffiti-plastered bathroom. “I miss the feeling of a room full of women. I miss the flirtation. I miss line dancing night. And bingo. And the cuties with their tattoos. I miss you. But I miss Theo, too. You'd really like him. He makes fun of me like you do.”

“You hated line dancing! And anyway, I'm right here. And this Theo character sounds pretty good. Look, we both know I'm no expert in matters of the heart, but I'm pretty sure you can't control where it leads you. And wherever it takes you is where you end up. So what if you end up with a guy? It doesn't mean you can't still come to this bar, or go line dancing if you really want to. Isn't happiness the end goal, no matter what it looks like ? Isn't that the whole point of all this?” TJ mimicked me, waving her arm around the bathroom like I
had. “Besides, no one really cares as much as you think they do. The only person judging you is you.” TJ stopped, stunned. “Did I really just say that?”

“Did you read
Eat, Pray, Love
?” I laughed and cleaned up my smeared eyeliner with a wet paper towel.

“Yes. I stole it from your house, and I read it on a meditation retreat in Tibet. Now let's get back out there before people think we're hooking up in here. I don't want to be tainted along with you.” TJ gave me a pat on the shoulder and left me alone to fix my hair.

When I returned to the party, the guest of honor was opening her gifts. Women were huddled around her. TJ waved me over to where she was sitting.

“Dumb ass, this is Antonella.”

“Oh, do I have stories for you,” I said, shaking hands with TJ's new girlfriend. I took a seat next to them.

“Do you guys want anything? I'm going to fetch some cookies,” Antonella said, getting up.

“I love her already,” I said. “I'll take three.”

“How 'bout you, babe?” Antonella stroked the top of TJ's head, eyeing her lovingly.

“Nah, I'm good.” TJ tried to suppress a smirk and gave Antonella a smack on the ass as she walked away.

“Someone seems happy.”

“How could she not be ? She's with me.” TJ leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees.

“I mean you, idiot.”

“Who me?” TJ smiled and looked at the ground. “Well, I hate to admit this over a girl, but yeah, I'm pretty damn pleased.” Then she looked at me and flexed her arm. “You know, in a tough kinda way.”

There was an uproar in the gift opening corner.

One of the women had unwrapped a dildo and was waving it above her head. Hillary, who was scraping the char off the barbecue, turned to face me.

“I'd say that's a pretty realistic-looking one. How 'bout you, Miss Lez?” Suddenly all eyes were on me. I glanced at it, took a sip of my beer, and shook my head in disagreement.

“No. It's bigger than average.”

 

 

AS I WAS packing my bag to go back up to the Vineyard to visit Theo, I noticed the cards I had left out on my dresser while packing the first time around. I had forgotten I'd placed my fate in Nonna Dina's hands. The cards were dusty, and as I brushed them off, I gasped. A five and nine of diamonds. I dropped the T-shirt I had in my hand. A five and nine of diamonds. Theo was born in May, the fifth month, and I in September, the ninth.

“Nonna Dina,” I said aloud, accusingly, amused. I picked up her photo. Of course she would choose a chef for me. She lived for food. I take after her in that way.

Theo was still at work when my ferry pulled in, so I went directly to his house. I was looking forward to showering, slipping into my sexy pajamas, and tucking myself into bed with a good read to wait up for him. However, the five cars in his driveway left me guessing I would not be donning silk anytime soon. The beat of the Black Eyed Peas song became more and more audible as I made my way up the path to the front door. Great. The house had been taken over by ten of Theo's twentysomething friends.

“Hi.” No one even noticed when I entered the kitchen. I placed my bag down and grabbed a glass of water. Then I called Alexis, who was just closing up the bar.

“Hey, it's me. I'm here at Theo's house.”

“Awesome. We're just about done cleaning up, and then we're headed over there. Your man's got a little party planned.”

“I noticed.”

I freshened up in the bathroom and then took a seat at the table, trying to be cool with the situation at hand.

“Elena, you want in?”

“In on what?”

“Round of poker.”

“Oh, I don't really know how to play. I've only done the slot machines, but thanks.” Then I thought for a minute. I really wanted to be more laid back, more adaptable, more fun. “Actually, I'm in.” I grabbed a beer from the fridge.
I can do this.

Alexis arrived forty minutes later, along with another close friend of ours from college.

“Alexis! Jane!” I jumped up and hugged them in the doorway. “Save me!” Alexis looked around and asked, “Where's Theo? He's not here yet?”

“No.”

“Oh, I thought he left before us. He must be getting beer.”

“Guess so.”

And then the door swung open and Theo walked in and scooped me up into a big hug.

“Hey lady!”

“Hey.”

“What's up, guys?” Theo went to high-five his friends and then announced, “Bonfire at the beach!” We slowly made our way out of the house and down to the beach. I did my best to be enthusiastic.
A little romance around the fire under the stars. Perhaps someone has a guitar. Theo and I could snuggle up under the blanket. It might be nice even.
And then it started to rain.

“Elena,” Alexis said, getting up from the log we'd all just settled down onto. “Get your shoes.” I grabbed my shoes and chased after Alexis and Jane, who were already at the car. Theo was walking toward us with a bag of ice.

“Hey babe, where are you going?”

“To my house,” Alexis said. I opened the back door of her car and got in. Theo ran up to the window. I rolled it down and he gave me a kiss. We were so different; different ages,
different desires, different species almost. He wanted to party and I wanted to read books in bed. But there was a current so strong when our lips came together that for a second I doubted my decision to leave. But it was raining and cold. And I'm old.

“Have a nice time with the girls tonight, babe. Promise you'll come cuddle up in the morning?”

“I promise.” I kissed Theo one more time, and Alexis put the car in reverse.

Falling asleep on the couch at her house, I didn't feel vindicated. I felt hollow. I hugged the pillows into my chest to try to fill the emptiness.

The following morning, I awoke to the scent of fresh coffee and the sound of a dog barking. From the bay window, I could see Alexis and the twins walking down to the chicken coop for some eggs. I got up to make tea. Theo would be expecting me, hoping even in his sleep to feel me sneak in and join him under the covers. I knew that, and I felt like a jerk for leaving. But I was still upset. I glanced at the clock. My back was sore from sleeping on the couch. Alexis and the girls returned with buckets of eggs.