A Zombie's History of the United States (26 page)

There are frightening rumors that Iran is trying to develop a Z-bomb, and we already know that al-Qaeda possesses portable zombie-contagion-spreading weapons. I do not enjoy being put in the position of a fearmonger, but I also do not think it implausible that terrorists might attempt to develop and deploy a larger-scale contagion weapon in a major American city. Then what? What if a zombie bomb went off in Washington, D.C., tomorrow? For a population that gets all its zombie knowledge from cheesy B-movies and comedic cell phone applications, it would spell disaster. We are unprepared. We would be right back in the shoes of those first European settlers.

So what would I have us do?

Reeducate the population. That is the easy answer.

Beyond that first easy step the solution becomes cloudier. As Theodore Roosevelt learned, people are not interested in zombie preservation, and with understandable reasons too. It is hard to argue for the reestablishment of a population of creatures that can only become reestablished through the directly proportional deaths of members of the human population. Even if we created a new horde and gave them an enclosed space to roam, they would eventually starve and wither without human flesh to feed on. Zombies are, in an abstract sense, nothing more than manifestations of an infectious disease, like the pustules of smallpox. As was the case with smallpox, the idea of completely eradicating zombism seems an objectively worthy goal.

The human zombination virus (HZV) is, of course, far more complex than smallpox. This virus is more than a mere disease. Its closest bedfellow is
Cordyceps unilateralis
, a parasitic fungus that attacks ants, temporarily controlling the ants’ behavior until the fungus can generate more spores to infect other ants, but even this falls far short of the seemingly supernatural nature of zombism. There has simply never been anything in the history of the world like zombies.

There is still so much left to learn about and from zombies. The weaponization of HZV was inevitable, but I see no reason why the military complex should be the only ones to capitalize on the virus’s unique properties. Only in the past couple years have zombologists begun to explore the potential medical applications of zombism. Zombies are quite possibly the most resilient creatures on earth, and they were, let us not forget, underneath it all—human beings. They could hold the key to possible cures for AIDS, cancer, Alzheimer’s, and countless other maladies that plague our race. And these are just the
potential
private sector applications for zombies. If we open the door, who knows what other possibilities might present themselves?

Zombies would also make natural test subjects. We continue to test new products on monkeys, rodents, and other animals, which draws the protests of PETA and other animal ethics organizations. We need to extrapolate how a rat’s reaction to a substance will correlate to a human’s. With a zombie there is significantly less extrapolation required. Maybe zombies replacing lab rats is a bit far-fetched (after all, we certainly cannot feed zombies new diet sweeteners), but they could prove invaluable in safety tests, replacing artificial dummies in automobile crash tests and simulations gauging the long-term effects of manned space travel.

Artist’s rendering of zombies used for automobile safety tests.

Maybe these are all the unrealistic pipe dreams of a hopeful zombie historian. Maybe I’m more like the idealistic Thomas Jefferson than I think. Whatever the case, and whatever the future holds, zombies must not be removed from the American story. They were an integral part of our national fabric for hundreds of years. They were here before the Europeans, and, depending on which origin theory you subscribe to, they were possibly here before humans altogether.

Ironically, the popularity of fictionalized zombies has been at an all-time high for the past decade; yet, the awareness of actual zombies is at an all-time low. This popularity gives me some hope though—there
is
an interest, however misguided. And, perhaps, people are ready to be reeducated. This book is not the only movement in the world of zombological studies. Forthcoming from my colleagues are documentary films; books focusing on other aspects of zombology, such as anatomical and behavioral analysis; a comprehensive website; and the University of Minneapolis’s Zombological Department is even working on a facility that will, we hope, allow the public to view captive zombies. American journalist and author Ambrose Bierce once bitingly remarked, “God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.” If nothing else, I would hope this book does justice to how shamefully accurate that gibe is. All too often history is a race between the truth, perception, and agendas, and sadly, truth does not always win.

In the past, only a small segment of the population had the power to influence the outcome of this race, but the Internet is changing the rules of how information is reported, shared, and stored. The average American now has a power unheard of just twenty years ago. You now have the option to join history’s race, to participate, or simply to watch it pass you by. But understand that your choice will help decide the outcome.

God may still be the only one to know the future, but we have wrested some of that power for ourselves. We can now more greatly affect America’s story, both forward and back. We, as a people, have become both gods and historians (to continue with Bierce’s symbolism). This is a balance that I think bodes well for both humans and zombies.

In trying to think of some positive affirmation with which to leave you, I am reminded of a line from a classic film, one fittingly about reanimating the dead,
Bride of Frankenstein
. The line of dialogue is a toast given by the character Dr. Pretorius to Dr. Frankenstein. Contextually, in the film, it bears little meaning here, but I think the words themselves are a fitting way to both say adieu and toast the future…

“To a new world of gods and monsters!”

Reference Notes and Bibliography

A Source Note from the Author

The unorthodox nature of this work has made compiling an orthodox source index somewhat impossible. Most of the materials from which I have quoted and culled information have either been excised or suppressed from the public record. Thus, they are no longer available to the general population through common channels such as local libraries.

Books have been rewritten and newspaper records buried to hide the true history of the United States. In many cases I am referencing the only known copy of a certain document. Sometimes all I had to work with was a newspaper or magazine clipping saved by a private collector—in these cases I have tried hard to best place the source in a proper month or year.

Most of the sources used for this book can be found at the University of Minneapolis’s Zombological Department Library and Manuscript Collection. Aside from some particularly fragile documents, all the material is available to the public for reading and reference at the library’s study center. Should you have the opportunity to visit these archives, I highly recommend taking a look. Hopefully, the materials listed here will prove as enlightening to you as they have been to me.

[*] indicates sources available only at UMZD’s library.

[M] indicates items from UMZD’s manuscript collection.

Prelude of the Living Dead

Erlendsson, Haukr.
Hauksbók
. Edited by Lars Rudgaard. Copenhagen: Munksgaard, 1960.

Jameson, Michael L.
Viking Runestones
. New York: Random House, 1975.

Michaelssen, Thadds.
The Asian Origins of the North American Undead
. Olso: Nynorsk Press, 1953.

Ringdal, Tom. “Lurching Out of Asia?”
Nature
, July 1993, 20-24.

The Russ-Youlin Teachers’ Poll. Collected by the Russ-Youlin Foundation. Atlanta, Georgia, 2005.

New World, New Monsters

Amadas, Phillip. Private journal, 1584-85. Courtesy of the British Historical Society.

Andrews, Elizabeth.
Documents Illustrative of the History of the Undead
. Boston: Little Brown, 1937. [*]

Bradford, William.
Of Plymouth Plantation 1620-1647
. Chicago: McCan-Hill Humanities, 1966.

Casas, Bartolomé de las.
History of the Indies
. New York: Harper & Row, 1971.

Davis, R. R.
Red, White, Black, and Dead: The Peoples of Early America
. New York: Oxford University Press, 1949.

HMS Starling
. Ship’s log. 1590. Courtesy of the British Historical Society.

Hughes, Timothy. Private journal, circa 1595-1610. [M]

Kramer, Jacob.
Mortuis Malleus
. Edited by Tom Ringdal. Minneapolis, MN: University of Minneapolis Press, 1988.

León, Ponce de. Papers. [M]

Mather, Cotton.
Writings of Cotton Mather: Conscience of a Nation
. Edited by Drew Ailes. Omaha, NE: Schumacher Press, 1922.

Nash, Gary B., ed.
Class and Society in Early America
. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1970.

New York City Examiner
clippings. [M]

Revolting Revolution

Adams, Hannah.
A Summary History of New England
. Dedham, MA: H. Mann & J. H. Adams, 1799.

Adams, John. Papers and journals. [M]

Adams, Samuel. Papers. Massachusetts Historical Society, Boston.

Bangs, Isaac. Journal. [M]

Boston Circular
clippings. [M]

Franklin, Benjamin. Papers. Historical Society of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia.

Knowlton, Thomas. Papers. [M]

Knox, Henry.
Letters of Henry Knox
. Edited by Karen Lesley. New York: Bell, 1901. [*]

New England Chronicle
clippings. [M]

Paine, Thomas.
The American Crisis.
Edited by Margaret Stegland. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press, 1991.

Revolutionary Medical Records. National Archives, Washington, D.C.

Washington, George. Papers. [M]

Washington, George. Papers and journals. Mount Vernon Department of Collections, Mount Vernon, VA.

The Corpse of Discovery

Bianco Research. Iraq Invasion statistic,
www.ritholtz.com
.

Clark, William. Journals. [M]

Clark, William. Papers. Missouri State Historical Society, Colombia, MO.

How to Catch and Keep the Un-Dead
. Author, publisher, date unknown. [*]

Jefferson, Thomas. Papers and journals. [M]

Lewis, Meriwether. Journals. [M]

Lewis, Meriwether. Papers. Missouri State Historical Society, Colombia, MO.

Merry, Anthony. Papers. London Historical Document Library.

Dismember the Alamo

Austin, Stephen F. Papers. Austin Historical Society, Austin, Texas.

Bowie, James. Journal. [M]

Crockett, David.
Davy Crockett: My Life and My Times
. [*]

DeVoto, Elijah.
The Church’s Reach: Roman Catholicism Outside of Rome
. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1934.

Houston, Sam. Papers. [M]

Josephy, Robert.
The Worries of the Soldier
. Washington, D.C.: Capital Press, 1866. [*]

Neill, James C. Papers. [M]

Smith, Henry. Papers. [M]

Woods, Robert B.
A Texian’s History of Texas
. Dallas: Wood & Brown, 1896. [*]

A Nation Devoured

Blackburn, John.
A Narrative of the Life of John Blackburn, an UnDead American
. 1853 [*]

Blackburn, John.
The Noble Carrion Warrior
. 1865. [*]

Blackburn, John. Papers and journals. [M]

Connecticut Gazette and Universal Intelligencer
clippings. [M]

Georgia Packet
clippings. [M]

Jefferson, Thomas. Papers and journals. [M]

Lincoln, Abraham. Papers. Illinois State Historical Society, Springfield, IL.

Maryland Morning Chronicle
clippings. [M]

Massachusetts Spy
clippings. [M]

New York Tribune documents. [M]

Ross, Marron.
Thought on What to be Done With the Trouble of the Walking Damned in America
. 1854. [*]

South Carolina Journal
clippings. [M]

Virginia Gazette clippings. [M]

Manifesting Destiny

The California Star
clippings. [M]

Denver Post
clippings. [M]

Dodge City Times
clippings. [M]

Harper’s Weekly
clippings. [M]

Huot, Jonathon.
“Liver-eating” Johnson: Mountain Main
. Los Angeles: Barry Press, 1890.

Martin, Boone.
Best Shot in the West: My Life in the Great Cleanse and After
. Date unknown. [*]