Absolute Mayhem (12 page)

Was it a bad idea to date the owner of the company
I was signed to? Well, at least one good thing came from
it, and that was while I was with him he made sure
I did only girl–girl scenes. (Hmm, why are guys who
date porn stars always so jealous that they want us to
work only with girls and not other men? Having sex
with another guy for work is just too real for them, I
guess.) This had a fortunate unforeseen consequence –
when the HIV scare of 2004 broke and several girls were
infected, I was spared, since I hadn't had sex with men
for work. Boy, was I lucky!

Not everybody likes to admit it, but the porn industry
is about taking the money and running these days, for
all involved. The fun has gone and the work itself is like
clockwork now. There's definitely a mechanical aspect to
it: like doing any job, you have a routine and a method.
Once you're on a roll, once you know you're good and
it's working, you just go in and do the same thing each
time. When you've done it that many times, you just
want to be professional, get it done and get through the
shoot as quickly as possible. Why waste time waiting
for the photographer to tell you what to do when you
already know?

I think I have definitely learned all I needed to learn
out of porn. I've seen everything and I've done everything
that I've wanted to do. I don't need to do anything
more. I think the industry has helped me, too, because I
didn't have much self-esteem going into it and now I do
feel more confident about a lot of things. I am still not a
hundred per cent secure in myself, but I am a lot better
than I used to be.

I was so innocent when I started out, but once you've
done it a lot it becomes part of your everyday life, so
it's nothing to me now and I don't think twice about
shooting a scene. That's what people mean when they
tell me 'You're a legend', even though I never came into
this industry wanting to be a legend. I just came here
thinking I was going to make some money and leave.
Next thing you know, it's really hard to quit.

As I've said, I didn't really know anything about
porn before entering the business, so I didn't realise I
was entering the industry at the end of an era, when
the gonzo craze was about to hit. I think I only noticed
this when the work for features slowed down and many
directors started telling me they thought I was 'too good
for gonzo'. They were reluctant to hire me or even
ask
me if I wanted to shoot, because they thought my rates
were sky-high or that I would turn them down. (I mean,
is it my fault that I can actually do dialogue?)

All I had really done was feature films, and I thought
maybe gonzo was just really nasty stuff so I didn't need
it anyway, when it turns out that it's more just constant
hardcore action (with no soft core for the TV market),
no, or next to no, storyline and, of course, no script.

Perhaps as a consequence, and also because it's
cheaper, the directors in porn these days are seldom
interested in your acting skills – a couple of takes
is usually good enough, and you're not really given
enough time to get into character properly, especially
with no real rehearsals and oft en no real direction. I
really miss the days when I had to learn my script and
shoot dialogue scenes or action/stunt scenes. I didn't
care how many 14-hour days it took. I was so happy
just to be
acting
in any way, shape or form, because
that's what I really love to do. It kills me to not be doing
that as much now, with the industry going through its
severe downturn.

Another thing I have had to learn to accept as a porn
star is the sheer inevitable time-crunch of my publicity
obligations. Sometimes, I don't really want to spend my
whole day doing something that's purely a promotional
exercise but I know that in the long run it will be good
for me. Getting my name out there is what the game is
about, if you want to be a professional.

Not everyone in the industry behaves as professionally
as I do, though. I've shot with many photographers
who didn't pay much and weren't the easiest guys to get
along with. It's very frustrating when they're yelling at
you to do something that is physically impossible, or
when the person paying for the shoot wants to control
everything. For example, I was shooting a billboard for
a strip club in LA, and not only was the guy so cheap
that he hired a food photographer – to shoot for free –
but he also wanted creative control of everything,
including me!

I can't stand it when people at these shoots are too
hands-on, trying to move me into position rather than
just telling me what they want. But this club owner
thought he could just fling me around, pulling my arms
in different directions, all the while having no clue what
he was doing. I was not impressed at all.

Another, much more famous, photographer I have
worked with thinks he's the shit, like he's the best
photographer in the world. He'll even tell you that to
your face, if you can believe such arrogance. This guy
didn't even shoot me but had his assistant do it while
he was doing something else in the other room. He'll
pay each girl US$400 or US$500 and they have to put
up with his crap. I heard from one girl that he got her
to hold a pose and while she was doing it, not moving a
muscle, he just left the room and went out to lunch and
didn't come back. What an asshole!

And it's not just the photographers who can be
temperamental. Sometimes, your fellow porn stars
can be just as bad. A well-known male porn star and
I used to work together frequently because we had
great on-screen chemistry. We had shot a lot of scenes
and he was always on my top-five list, until one day he
totally screwed me over.

After shooting with me the night before, he ran into
me at the doctor's office, where either he or his girlfriend
were being treated for gonorrhoea. I had never had
the disease at that stage, but nevertheless he called the
director and told him that I had given it to him. He said
that I knew I had it and was going to work anyway. I was
at the doctor's for something totally unrelated to that,
but he just assumed I was there to get tested or treated
for gonorrhoea, and he made me look like a scumbag.

So the director cancelled my scene for the next day
and said I should get tested – which I did, and I was
clean. I sorted things out with the director and eventually
finished the movie, but I will never forgive this guy
for doing that. He also told that story to many people,
when it was just not true.

That's just a reality check for some girls who think
this is all about glitz and glamour. And here's another:
leaning back against a couch and keeping still while
you're holding your vagina wide open for a still camera,
waiting for the close-up to happen and praying your last
shave will look good – that's not a regular day at the
office for most girls, but it sure is to me.

You do have to be mindful of the mind-fuck, so to
speak, when you get to my level. For instance, when
I do live chats on the IM Live site (
www.imlive.com
), I
get my share of strange requests from the fans. There's
the usual boob-licking, pussy-squirting and foot-fetish
stuff , but I also get asked to consider doing pissing and
scatting – guys wanting me to say 'I want you to eat my
shit' and one guy who said he likes shit on his belly and
balls so he can fuck it back into the girl.

I also get asked about using my panties. One guy said
he only wanted to buy them if I stuffed them inside my
pussy first! (I mean, how the hell do you stuff your own
panties inside you? How painful is that?) I also get asked
to simulate cum in my mouth – these guys like me to put
my mouth to the webcam and use my spit to pretend it's
their cum. Oh boy.

But, of course, I can't or won't always cater to what
everyone wants, especially the rude fucks who are just
plain demanding. Instead of asking me to do something,
they seem to think they can tell me what to do, like
I am some stupid whore stuck in a cage or something.
If I'm not comfortable doing something, I simply won't
do it. That's just how I work, even though some people
don't seem to understand that.

The crazy sex is definitely not confined to the internet.
In August 2008, I shot one of my strangest scenes when
Jim Powers directed me in
The Violation of Harmony
,
for JM Productions. Basically, the plot was like
America's
Next Top Model
. We were the contestants, and the porn
star Harmony was the Tyra Banks character, only white.
She was a total bitch to all of us and had pushed us too
far, so we turned on her and raped her. It took all day
to shoot and I was really exhausted in the end. Being
mean really takes a lot out of you! The girls were Audrey
Hollander, Summer Bailey, Holly Wellin, Jennifer Dark
and me. It was a really wild shoot because Harmony was
a chick who could take anything! She was very loose (if
I can use that adjective as a compliment), because we
were sticking huge toys in her, double-penetrating her
and sometimes sticking two sex toys in her pussy and
one in her ass simultaneously. We were holding her
down, smacking her face and even sticking our dirty
feet in her mouth and making her lick them. We were
calling her names and telling her what a fat whore she
was. It was brutal.

Jim Powers was good to work with as a director.
He's very cool and a bit of a smartass, and somewhat
perverted. At one point, he had me stick my foot inside
Harmony's vagina. I mean, I actually had my
whole
foot
in this chick, up to my ankle. It felt pretty disgusting
and gross, to be honest, because it's just not normal to
have your foot in such a place. And I'd always thought
of myself as a girl who didn't pussyfoot around!

I can take perversions, believe me, but we all have
our limits. Jim Powers was Walt Disney compared to
some other directors I've worked for, like Martin Del
Toro, who really loves shooting rough sex with women.

I did a blow-bang scene for him once in which I
sucked off five guys. Quite appropriately, the movie was
entitled
Cum Greed
, and it was released in 2005 by VCA.
They were all really rough with me, grabbing my head
and pulling my hair and ramming their cocks down my
throat, because that's what Martin, as the director calling
the shots, wanted. Most of the guys felt bad, I could tell,
but one of them loved doing it, from the way he grabbed
and manhandled me.

Sure, I can do this stuff , and I'm game for extreme
sex, but it was a really rough scene and in the end I felt
so degraded. I had make-up running all down my face,
and the scene had climaxed with all of them ejaculating
on me. Not all over my face or my breasts, bukkakestyle,
but rather each one of them took turns to shoot
his sperm right into my mouth. Then I had to spit it
out onto the camera lens and slurp it all back up, before
spitting it out again. It was seriously nasty work.

On another occasion, I also had to pee into a guy's
mouth. The actor was Alec Metro and I stood over him
for ten minutes before I could expel any urine. I eventually
peed right into Alec's mouth and he actually gargled
it before swallowing. I was grossed out. I mean, this was
before
our sex scene, so I was doing this glorious act of
urophilia to a man I then had to have sex with. I have no
idea why anyone would even want to see such a thing.

So, I'll challenge anyone to tell me if they've encountered
weirder ways of making money. What we girls get
paid is oft en not at all commensurate with the head-trip
we have to endure to play those parts. It's amazing to me
when all these teenage girls come up to me and say they
want to become porn stars because they are nymphomaniacs
and think it is just so glamorous. Little do they
know, especially about the fine line between exhibitionism
and exploitation. I do understand how some guys
enjoy looking at girls who behave like total sluts, but it
can sometimes get downright tasteless.

There are times when even I am stunned by how absurd
this profession is. It's literally a dirty job, and someone has
got to do it. I've had to shoot scenes with guys I used to
date. Imagine having to fuck someone you broke up with,
because you're getting paid to do it! In one case, a pornstar
ex-boyfriend of mine called Barrett Blade hadn't
worked with me for at least four years. It was great in the
end, but I'm sure we were both thinking the same thing
while the cameras were rolling. It was actually kind of a
turn-on for both of us, as it turned out. You could rationalise
it and remind yourself that, well, at least you already
know
the guy, when in fact, really, it's just too surreal.

I've also had to do scenes with guys and girls whom
I didn't particularly like as people, as well as those with
whom I had great sex but who stabbed me in the back
afterwards. For the legion of nymphettes scouring the
San Fernando Valley for work every week, these kinds
of scenarios will become part of their bread-and-butter
month after month, year after year.

There's a lot more to this job than its just being
well-paid work for any exhibitionist who loves sex. It
has always been my own personal belief that you have
to be truly, uniquely courageous to stay the course. You
become a commodity, something to be bought and sold
like a box of cereal on a shelf. There are people within
the industry who will keep treating you like this. And
sexual harassment on the job does happen, however
ironic that must sound.

I can honestly say I have never gone so far as to do
anything for anyone just to get a role. I do remember
one incident, though, back when I was very new to
the industry. A very well-known director asked me if I
wanted to go to an audition at his house at around 9 pm.
I mean, come on. Who holds auditions at their house at
night? The studio he was directing movies for already
held huge castings all the time at their offices during the
day. I wasn't that naive. So, of course, I said no. And the
result? He never once put me in any of his movies, not
even to this very day.