Absolution (16 page)

“Em?” Bryn asked. Nev pulled out a bucket she’d brought from one of the bathrooms.

“Gimme a sec,” she said, tilting her head back and taking a few slow, deep breaths. The cool air did seem to help, as did the fact she wasn’t alone, and after a few minutes the worst of it seemed to pass.

Wiping a sleeve over her damp face, Emily blew out a breath and put on a smile for her friends. “I hate that part.”

Bryn squeezed her free hand in answer. “Just so you know, that excuse isn’t going to cut it. I’m still taking you down.”

She smiled. That was the beauty of having a friend who knew her so well. Bryn knew exactly when to push and when to support. “Have I told you lately that I love you?”

“Ditto, lady. Now come on,” she gestured impatiently to the letter tiles resting in the holder.

“Quit stalling.”

They played for about an hour, and when Nev stopped to check her vitals again, Emily could barely keep her eyes open.

“You need to sleep,” Nev said gently. “Want to go inside now?”

She shook her head. “I like the fresh air.”

Just then the French doors to the patio opened and Luke stepped out. The nausea she’d managed to keep at bay came back with a vengeance. Emily swallowed hard, her pulse leaping beneath Nev’s practiced fingers.

He crossed the tiled surface and acknowledged 125

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them with a nod, and Emily had to fight the urge to check that her wig was on straight. “Phone call for you inside,” he said to Bryn.

She leapt up like she’d sat on a thumb tack. “Is it Dec?”

“Maybe.”

Bryn tore into the house without a backward glance. In the ensuing silence, Emily avoided Luke’s gaze though she felt it resting on her face.

“I’ll be inside if you need me,” Nev suddenly blurted.

A spurt of panic flooded Emily’s veins as her buffer left, but she couldn’t tell her not to go without looking like a coward. Without waiting for an invitation, Luke sat in the chair Nev had vacated and looked straight at her. “Doing okay, sunshine?”

The endearment took her completely off guard.

Luke hadn’t called her that in two decades, and the fact that he’d used it now confused the hell out of her. If he’d said it because he felt sorry for her, she didn’t want his pity. “Yes, thanks.” Why did he have to show up every time she was at her most vulnerable? She tucked the blanket around her shoulders and huddled beneath its folds, but she couldn’t get warm and her eyelids were so heavy...

“You’re tired,” Luke murmured, his gaze drifting over her face with careful scrutiny. His lashes were thick and black, and when he lifted his gaze, his irises were the exact color of melted bittersweet chocolate.

“A bit.”

“And cold.” He tucked the edges of the blanket more securely around her legs. “Want me to take you in?” Didn’t he know how it hurt her to be next to him like this? Couldn’t he see what it did to her? She closed her eyes, afraid of what they might reveal in her current weakness.

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“Em?” The deep syllable flowed over her like a caress, then the edge of his hand brushed her cheek, pushing some strands of the wig away from her face.

She grabbed his wrist. “Please don’t.”

Torment swirled in the depths of his eyes, but he dropped his hand. “You’re exhausted, Em. Let me get you inside where it’s warm, then you can sleep.”

Why was he doing this to her? She was an inch from tears, and dying to reach for him. But she couldn’t.

Luke got up and sat on the edge of the chaise with her, so close his hip pressed against her thigh.

Ignoring how stiff she was, he reached for her hand.

He curled his long fingers around her palm and rubbed gently.

If he truly wanted her to be comfortable, the quickest way would be for him to leave her the hell alone.

She sat stock still, gazing at the pool. Its turquoise water was clear and calm. Exactly the opposite of what she felt. Yet she couldn’t make herself pull her hand away from his.

To fill the void, she stared out at the water and asked, “So how are things coming?”

He flicked a sharp look at her before replying.

“Nothing concrete yet. Still waiting.”

His answer surprised her so much that she looked at him. She hadn’t thought he’d talk about it at all. “Oh. Sorry to hear that.” The fingers of her free hand sought the edge of the blanket and fidgeted with it. “The girls are fantastic by the way, and the twins are really sweet.”

“Sweet?” he laughed. “I bet they’ve never been called that before, except by their mother and significant others.”

She blushed. “They are to me.”

His hand tightened around hers. “I’m glad. I want to make this as easy on you as possible, but 127

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more importantly I want you to know you’re safe here.”

You’re safe with me.
The echo from their tragic past weighed heavy on her heart.

She dropped her eyes to their joined hands.

Strange to see them that way when she’d ached for that simple pleasure thousands of times. And it hurt because it didn’t mean as much as she wanted it to.

Not on his part, anyway. And it shouldn’t on hers.

Couldn’t. “You don’t...you don’t have to do this, you know.”

“Do what?”

“Feel obligated to check in on me. I know you’ve got more important things to do.”

Luke captured her jaw in one wide palm and turned her face toward him. “Nothing’s more important to me than making sure you beat this.”

His eyes delved into hers, bottomless and magnetic.

“And if you think I’m checking in on you, you’re right. But I’ve got a damn good reason. You won’t tell anyone if you need help, and you never did.”

Something stilled inside her as she stared at him. Is that what he thought? “That’s not true.”

“Yeah it is. You’re so determined to take care of everything by yourself that you won’t speak up, not even if you’re in pain.”

Emily pulled away from his grasp. Exactly, and why did he think that was? “Because I’ve
had
to.”

“Because I left?” he accused. “Uh-uh, sweetheart. You were like that when we got together. Right from day one when you showed up at that bar to rescue your sister, facing down a guy twice your size.”

“Excuse me—”

“And you did it throughout our marriage. You never once asked for help with anything important, even when I knew you needed it.”

“Well that’s because you’d always take over! And 128

Absolution

I thought it was my job to take whatever stress I could off you. I wanted to pull my own weight. I thought you wanted me to be strong, and you admired that about me.”

His eyes softened. “Em, of course I did. But I’m a hell of a lot stronger than you ever gave me credit for.” He thought she’d seen him as weak? She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. “I never
ever
doubted how strong you were, not for a second.”

“No? Well I didn’t need you looking after every minute detail so everything was perfect when I came home and then killing yourself to make it stay that way.”

A burning lump settled in her throat. All those times she’d been on pins and needles waiting for him to come home, making sure the house was spotless and the yard work and laundry was done, that his car was washed and waxed. Having Rayne dressed in his best clothes and ready to race up and hug his daddy with a smile on his face. Nothing wrong in their world. Everything was sunshine and roses.

The times when she’d known he was arriving home, she’d meticulously ensured every homecoming was as perfect as she could make it. She’d always been careful to keep her own problems and worries from him. Never saying or doing anything that might upset him, so their time together would be as peaceful and comforting as she could make it. She’d wanted their home to be a haven for him. And he was telling her now that he hadn’t needed her to do any of that? That he didn’t appreciate it?

“Don’t you think I knew what kind of stress you were under when I was gone?” he said. “That I didn’t know how hard my job was on you?”

She twisted her fingers together. “I just wanted to make you happy,” she said in a small voice.

“You did. You and Rayne. I never needed 129

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anything else.”

Then why did you go?
She almost said it, had to choke the words back along with the tears building up. She didn’t have the energy or the will to tackle that topic right now. Her nerves were ready to snap as it was.

Turning away from her, Luke leaned forward and put his elbows on his thighs. As he spoke he stared out at the garden, still lush and green despite it being winter. “You know what I think? I think the real reason you felt obligated to do all that is because you were afraid I’d come home and snap over something stupid one day. Which I did.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “Luke—”

“No, it’s the truth. I was subconsciously afraid of the same thing, but you saw the truth of it before I did.” Words of denial died on her tongue. Had she known somehow? Was that why she’d always been so tense for the first few days when he came back from a long deployment? She didn’t know what to say. “So if I tended to take over where you were concerned, that’s why. And that’s why you think I’m a heavy-handed asshole right now for dragging you here while you’re undergoing chemo.”

She didn’t deny it.

His lips quirked in a wry grin. “You’d never ask for help, let alone mine, so the only thing I can do is be proactive.”

Rather than make her mad, his words touched her. A tremulous smile quivered on her lips. “A pre-emptive strike.”

He smiled back. “Exactly.” Then his face grew sober. “I want you to know…I’d take the cancer myself in a heartbeat if it meant healing you.”

Why?
she wanted to cry. Why would he say that when he’d stayed away for so many years? Guilt?

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Trying to make up for what he’d done? She couldn’t understand.

“Em,” he sighed, his Louisiana drawl becoming more pronounced. “You’re tired and scared whether you want to admit it or not. So be a doll and take some stress off my shoulders for old times’ sake. Lay your head back and close your damn eyes.”

She wanted to. She was so desperately tired.

And worried. But no matter how tense and unresolved things stood between them, it bothered her that she might have inadvertently hurt him in the past. She swallowed. “I never meant to shut you out. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way.” Was part of the reason he’d walked away because he’d thought she didn’t need him? The idea wounded her.

She’d needed him more than anything.

“I know you didn’t do it intentionally.” He sighed, an ironic smile on his lips as he shook his head at her.

It killed her to know he’d felt that way during their marriage and she hadn’t known. Why hadn’t he said anything?

“Now get some sleep.”

Before he could get up, Emily gathered all the courage she could find and captured his hand.

Stilling, he looked down at her questioningly. She bit the inside of her lip, struggling to put the truth of what she felt into words. He wasn’t saying he loved her or that he wanted another chance. But he still cared enough to stand by her and do whatever he could to ease her. It shredded her heart.

“You know,” she began, looking down at his hand beneath hers. Large and tanned. Strong, yet capable of incredible gentleness. He wanted her to speak up when she needed help?
I’m scared. I’m
hurting. I miss you.
“I think I’d sleep better if you stayed here with me. If you don’t mind.”

When she raised her head, his eyes showed 131

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surprise and a sad kind of recognition that she’d reached out to him in that small way. “I don’t mind at all.” He tucked the heavy blanket around her tightly and then sat in the chair next to her. “Sleep, Em,” he murmured. “I’ll stay with you.”

Fighting the need to reach for his hand and hold onto him, she closed her eyes to hide the tears. She wanted his arms around her so badly.
Hold me
.

She bit the words back, too afraid to say them. It was enough that he was beside her. The gentle sighing of the wind filled her senses, along with the knowledge that nothing would hurt her while Luke kept watch. She
was
safe with him. Always had been.

****

“About nine hours ago, best we can figure. I can’t get in any closer than this. Can you make out what it says on the crates?”

He squinted at the screen, waiting until the man in the foreground moved out of the way. “Some Chinese RPGs there.” He tapped a forefinger against one crate. “The others aren’t marked far as I can tell.

Could be mortars or mines. Whatever it is, at least it’s small.”

“There sure are a lot of them,” Sam murmured with a frown, chewing on her bottom lip as she tried a different angle.

Yeah, there were. “All the trucks going to the same drop off point?”

“So far. I’ve tracked two of the convoys to the same location where the caves are.”

He was so sick of caves. The ones the enemy used in the Syrian Desert weren’t as big as their 132

Absolution

counterparts in Afghanistan, but they still guaranteed to be a major pain in the ass. Not to mention it was gonna be damn cold out there. He was tired of freezing his ass off, too, but it had to be done. Luke straightened. “Keep monitoring this and advise of any changes.”

“Of course.” Sam swung her brown gaze up at him. “You going out tonight?”

“Looks like tomorrow afternoon, unless something changes drastically. It’s going to take Davis some time to get there.”

Ben walked in and joined them, peering at the on-screen images. He let out a low whistle. “We got human eyes there yet?”

“Dec’s SEALs are humping in now.” He looked at Sam. “What’s their ETA, do you know?”

“Dec’s aiming for seventeen-hundred Lima. He’ll contact us with the radio link once they’re up and ready.”