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Yet when I looked at myself, all I could imagine is what he would think of it. He wouldn’t even see it. But if I wore it, for him, would he slide his talented mouth from my neck downwards, or start at the base of the v and work up? Stockings and suspenders? Or was that going to be too obvious? Garters visible through the silk. In some ways, it was made to be worn with absolutely nothing under it. But I wasn’t 17, and nice lingerie couldn’t hurt. Besides, I didn’t really want to be naked. I didn’t know the people, had no idea what it was going to be like, and although I could tell Alice was up to something, I knew I wouldn’t have eyes for anyone there. I’d dance, I’d drink, I’d laugh. But I wouldn’t be where my mind was. With that thought, I stripped off and grabbed a towel. But I caught sight of my body in the mirror. “Oh imperfect flesh,” I quoted out loud. The physicality of things shocked me sometimes, the flaws, the shame. And then other times the body was all that mattered in the world. When the physical just came together so perfectly, a deep voice, a long neck, beautiful eyes. Oh god. Not again. I smacked myself and headed off to the bath.

An hour later, I was putting on the stockings, trying desperately not to snag them. Why did all these things seem so complicated to me? Other women just took them in their stride. I always felt like I was trying to follow some convoluted recipe. Fuck. I sat down on the bed. What was I doing? Playing in the big leagues, when I was hardly out of the farm team. Crazy. I wasn’t going to cry. I attached the stockings, smoothing them out. I put on the concealer and the powder. I powdered my cleavage as well. The brush was smooth and soft, and the sensation, prickly and smooth all at once, was distracting. Alice knocked and came in. She whistled when she saw the stockings.

“Nice one girl. Sexy. He’ll love it.”

“I’ll remember that for when I see him.” I smirked back at her.

“Yes you will. Look, don’t put on the dress yet, I want to do your makeup.” And she sat me down and applied powders and mascara, until the reflection looking back at me seemed an idealized version of a pre-Raphaelite opium addict; slightly dissolute, with dark eyes and heavy lids, and a deeply colored mouth. It suited me, I thought. In fact, it looked at bit like I had looked the other morning. When you were happy, a little voice mumbled. Ah shut up.

“What? Don’t you like it?” Alice seemed startled.

“No it’s great! Really, I love it. I’ve been having a lot of internal conversations lately, sorry. I think that one got out.”

“You think about him all the time.”

I was silent.

“It’s ok, you know. You’re allowed to like him too, not just want to fuck him senseless.”

Discreet. “Uh, thanks? Look, of course he’s amazing. Sure I’d like to hang out. Who wouldn’t?” My laugh sounded pretty fucking false. Never mind. Distract, disturb. “So who’s going to be there? What is this anyway?”

Alice sighed. “I told you. You really didn’t hear a word I said, did you? Alright, it’s a record launch, a mini gig, and some meet and greet. Lots of record people. Free champagne. Hot guys in leather jackets. What not to like?”

“You mean arrogant tools with small dicks riding on the coattails of some band’s success so they can get laid too.” I’d been to enough of these things to know the business. A lot of the music industry involved situations that were nothing more than pissing contests between guys who were still corporate, but wanted more action, and got it by showing off the hottest girl, the hottest band, the biggest stash, the longest line of coke. Music was a product, a means to an end.

“Yes, that’s right. Ruin everything with your judgmental pronouncements. Look, put on the dress, wear those shoes, and your leather jacket. Sean is sending the car around for us at 8. Any minute, yeah? And Lily?”

I looked at her, from down by my ankles trying to adjust the strap on the high heels. “Alice?”

“Don’t spoil it.”

“Will try.”

I put everything in my pockets. Checking messages, as I did every time the phone was within touching distance. No messages. Ok, that was fine. He did say he was busy. Oh shit. No.

“Alice?” I called out for her.

“Yeah, what? Sean will be here in five. Are you ready?”

“Yeah, ready as I’ll ever be. Alice, did you ever say who the launch was for?”

“I don’t know hon. Sean said it’s top secret, just the insiders going. That’s why you had to come along. Stop panicking.”

Oh. Ok. That seemed safe enough. Still. I wondered, and as I thought about him, and his leather jacket and his rehearsals, I felt my heart actually leap in my chest. Oh god. No. It couldn’t be. The release was a month off. I was just wishful thinking. Or not. Because suppose he was there, and he was with someone else. I’d die.

I stood there. Maybe I shouldn’t go. “Alice?”

She came rushing in and looked at my face. “You’re going. Don’t pussy out.”

I nodded. I was dressed. Two minutes later, the buzzer rang.

“Come on girlfriend, we’re on! Sean’s even got a line of coke for you.”

Oh lucky me, I thought. Like I’m not wired enough. I focused on the heels and a future glass of champagne and enjoyed the feel of the leather against the dress as I walked down the stairs. And underneath, the swish of the blue silk, my bare arms nestled into the heavy weight of the leather, which smelled of wood and smoke, over the gentle flowery perfume I’d covered myself in. Everything in my mind seemed to be contrast, opposites, male and female, yin and yang, dominance and romance.

Where did that come from? I wasn’t thinking like that. Was I?

And hands in pockets, I walked out to another limo. It was getting to be a habit.

Thank god. He was putting out another set of lines. “Come on ladies, we’re nearly there. Lily, you’re lovely. I’m enjoying the view of your garters. Alice said you were a dark horse, and she’s never wrong. Here, gorgeous.” And he indicated the freshly chopped up lines. They were thick as well. A good host. Well what the hell.

“Thanks darling. I see all the ways Alice told me you were…generous…were right.” I smiled at him, and looked down, very obviously, glancing at his crotch, giggling inanely, and at the lines, and smiling to myself, bent over to grab some more numbness. Snowy goodness, keeping me from feeling my lost heart. Good. Play the game; it’s a game, just play. No. Not those. Those games, that I didn’t know how to play yet. For now, it was just a waiting game.

They were laughing. Alice looked sparkly, from the lust and the drug. “Oh Lily, you’re so much fun when you loosen up.” She ran a finger over Sean’s mouth. “Maybe we can all party later, after this.”

“You bet sugar,” Sean replied. “Whatever you want.” They looked over at me.

I smiled, obliquely. “Maybe.” I didn’t have to say yes or no now, that much I knew. Hell, it was nice to be wanted, even just like that. Weird, yes. Bad, well, that was a matter of opinion. What was that Interpol song, “There’s No I in Threesome”? Right. Funny how desire engenders desire. But they weren’t thinking that hard, and I needed to stop.

The limo slowed down. The club was over by the river, in a dark area of industrial buildings and soundstages. Sean got out first, and helped each of us exit the limo, as we were teetering a bit in the heels over the uneven sidewalk. Fuck, it was cold down here. I pulled my jacket in a bit closer, covering up my dress which had blown around when we stepped out.

Sean leaned down to whisper in my ear. “I can see you like the cold.” His eyes were riveted to my breasts.

I laughed. “All kinds of cold, sugar.” Alice really knew how to pick them. Still, work it. Champagne and coke the reward. She would be the one that had to pay that bill.

We went in and it was instantly, gratifyingly warmer. There was a long wooden bar with a traditional mirror running the length of it. Tables filled up the floor, and they were mostly full, with some people milling around, talking and some up at the bar, ordering drinks from the bartenders wearing jeans and leather vests, and nothing else. Nice. There was a buzz in the air, somewhat sexual, somewhat predatory. The suits were making deals, and you could feel it. Only a few ponytails, but a lot of sunglasses at night. A large handful of women who were definitely being paid to be there, but who looked great doing it. If you can wear heels that high, why not get a special payment for it? The usual band of models. A few trannies. Was that Ru Paul? I was interrupted in my celebrity spotting by Sean taking my arm and guiding both of us to a table near the front. Nice one. That’s why Alice had chosen him. Reasonably good looking, good manners, connected. Good coke. I wondered what he did exactly in this incestuous little world, but I didn’t feel like getting into it. I really just wanted to feel the vibe and enjoy the scenery, while altering my perceptions of life. Alice was right; I needed to relax. This was pretty amusing, and with the added pharmaceutical enhancements, I felt pretty confident I could handle it. Sean came back with a bottle of Cristal. Nice. Maybe I could get some hints from Alice on the kinky stuff she did to get this. Games. Yeah, well we’d see.

Ah. There was my first thought of him. Oh no, it wasn’t, I thought. You’ve been thinking of him since you got in the limo. Since you got dressed. Since you were alive. I shook my head a little. Sean noticed.

“You all right sweetheart? Don’t worry so much.” He poured out the champagne, and handed us each a glass. “To art!” And he laughed and drained half the glass.

Jesus, I thought. But I smiled. And drank. He handed something to Alice, and winked at her, and she immediately grabbed my hand and tore away from the table, my high heels in tow.

“Alice, babe, slow down.”

“No, come on hon, show’s gonna start, Sean’s given us a little pick me up while we freshen up. Let’s do it!” Alice was heading with intent to the back of the room, and we ducked into the Ladies. I reapplied some lipstick. The druggie look suited me. Yes. She was handing me the vial. “Come on girl!” I took it, one little baby spoon each side. Yeah. That felt much better, and the shock was going up and down my whole body. “You look great darling. Sean’s going to hook you up, he likes you. Then you’ll have a choice!”

“Alice, you talk way too much.”

“Yeah, whatever. Come on, one more for the road.” And I snorted up a couple more of the mini spoons.

Alice snatched it back and grabbed my hand. “Come on baby, let’s go! Showtime!”

There was something in her voice, that when I thought back, I should have recognized. But I was high, and numb, and enjoying the feeling of my stockings under the silk dress rubbing against my half naked legs, and I just didn’t want to care about anything, anymore. And I needed more champagne.

So I followed her out, and tripped along in my heels back to the table. The lights were going down further, and people were actually taking seats, and the talking was growing less.

One of the suits came out on stage just as we reached our seats. I reached for my champagne. My, that was fine. The tightly woven fabric of his bespoke suit moved slightly as he spoke. “Thanks for coming down and being part of this. We’ve all been looking forward to this release, and I think you’ll agree the wait has been worth it. Can you put your hands together for…”

But here the buzzing in my head grew to a crescendo, as a tall, dark haired man loped onto the stage. His leather bracelets. Thighs covered in skin tight leather pants, boots. Leather vest. Black shirt. Big smile, quickly hidden. His arms went around the suit in a quick hug, and he bobbed a little bow to him, and then to the audience.

I was frozen. My fingers were growing cold clutching the glass. As I watched him walk to the mike stand and straddle it, reducing it to a toy in his large hands, I realized how I must look. I hid in my glass, and finished it down. And tried to pull it together, but my legs were shaking.

I looked over at Alice. She winked at me, and handed my glass to Sean, who refilled it. He looked amused.

I was fucked.

I gave a little forced smile, and raised my glass. We were there to listen, and that’s what I was going to do. Would I have gone if I’d known it was him? Hard to say. Anyway, there we were. Alice had obviously mentioned something. But what? One more notch on the belt? Fuck it.

I drank some more, and watched his dark head count off to the band. I’d enjoy it. Now. And kill her later.

He began to sing, that drawling deep voice that you could feel. Everywhere. Absolutely fucking everywhere, I thought, strangely riveted to his long legs, tapping the beat. I felt like I could see the muscles in his legs moving under the leather. I closed my eyes, the rhythm in the song was just hypnotic, and his voice was wrapping around the notes in a complex dance. This was one of the songs he had played for me, that day. Was it only a few days ago? Were we really going to play games tomorrow, this vision of sex up there, leather and tall, and me, stoned and wet, sitting only a few yards from those thighs? Bloody hell, it wasn’t possible. I had been straddling those hips, fuck. My heart was beating with the poly rhythms of the drums. Craziness.