Affair of Honor (17 page)

Appalled, Brenna tried to reason with herself. She must not let him do this to her! She was a rational, intelligent human being who knew how to think her way through any situation. She would not let this man drive her to violence. But she was trembling with a combination of outrage and fear as she bit out, “If I decide to scurry home to my ivory tower, as you so graphically put it, I assure you there’s no way on earth you’ll be able to drag me back out! I make my own decisions in life and I will not let you control or manipulate me. Just because you’ve shared a bed with me on two occasions, don’t get the idea you have any rights over me! How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“How many times do I have to take you to bed before you stop denying my rights?” he countered roughly.

It was too much. The events of the preceding days took their toll with a vengeance. And Ryder became the unlucky focus of all the chaotic emotions surging through her in that moment.

Brenna slapped him. Her hand moved in a wide, swinging arc that he probably could have avoided but didn’t. Instead he just stood there and let her fingers create a bright-red brand on the side of his face.

The silence that followed seemed to extend even to the surrounding woods. In utter quiet Brenna stood staring at the man she had just struck, her mind numb with shock at her own behavior. Ryder didn’t move.

“The thing about violence,” he finally cautioned in a very gentle voice, “is that you have to be prepared for the possibility that it will escalate.”

She swallowed. “Is that a way of saying you’re going to get even?”

“Do you think I would really hit you?” He appeared almost curious.

Brenna closed her eyes in shame and self-disgust. “No. I deserve it but you won’t do it.” She took a couple of slow breaths, bringing herself back under control. When she opened her eyes, Ryder was already several feet away, walking back toward his cabin. She could only stand and watch as he moved off with that fog-silent step. He didn’t look back.

It wasn’t long after she’d served herself a lonely dinner in front of the fire and was focusing on the prospect of going to bed without even being able to say good-night to Ryder that Brenna finally realized it was up to her to end the impasse. She was the one who had created it.

Ryder hadn’t emerged from his cabin since he’d walked away after she’d lost her self-control. She could only presume that he’d spent the afternoon and evening beginning work on his book. He was probably the type who could do just that, she told herself unhappily. He was so damn self-controlled, he could probably put the incident with her out of his mind in disgust and go to work. She, on the other hand, couldn’t get past page one of the quarterly issue of the philosophy journal in her lap.

Lifting her eyes from the open journal to the flames on the hearth, Brenna tried to rationalize her way out of what she knew, deep down, had to be done. Ryder had no real rights over her, she reminded herself, regardless of how he’d chosen to interpret her willingness to let him make love to her. It would probably be best to let the rift between them stand. It would serve to break off a relationship in which she was swiftly becoming far too involved. Only this morning she had found herself toying with the idea of falling in love with the man.

No, it would be simpler to use the current unpleasantness as a way of easing herself out of a highly precarious situation. It was frightening to think how close she had been to admitting she was in love with a man who was all wrong for her.

All wrong. It was crazy, ludicrous, and adolescent to allow one’s emotions to rule one’s head that far! Ryder was
different
, far different from any other man she had ever met. It stood to reason that there would be a certain attraction about him, didn’t it? But that didn’t mean a genuine, solid relationship could be built on that attraction. Sound relationships weren’t built on the basis of a man declaring himself in possession of a woman because she had been foolish enough to surrender herself to him!

But even as she lectured herself, Brenna knew there was more to it than that. Unwillingly she recalled the hero of
The Quicksilver Venture
, a man hardened in the ways of the shadowy world in which he moved but still a man who lived by a code of honor and integrity; a man who could, in a strange way, be trusted. Not unlike Ryder.

No, Brenna told herself firmly, she had no business getting involved with a man like Ryder Sterne. The Damon Fieldings of this world were the kind of men she should be cultivating. Damon understood her lifestyle, her ambitions, and her career. He held modern views on the subject of a relationship, and just because Craig hadn’t cared for the man, that didn’t mean Damon was wrong for her. Heaven knew Craig was a lot more likely to view the world the way Ryder viewed it! They were two of a kind in many ways.

But Brenna Llewellyn was her own woman who had to make her own path and her own choices. It was all very well for Craig to choose a more adventuresome path in this world, but she, Brenna, had already chosen hers and it did not lead in the same direction. It did not lead toward men like Ryder Sterne.

None of which, she realized grimly, changed the fundamental question before her now. She owed Ryder an apology. Even if the wiser course of action might be to let the situation stand, there was still a matter of simple honor and simple manners involved.

She not only owed him an apology for the slap, she also owed him her thanks for the quiet way he had helped both her and Craig through the difficult time yesterday. His calm, reasonable attitude had been a source of reassurance for her, and clearly he’d had the same effect on her brother, who had been worrying about Brenna’s reaction to his announcement.

Yes, she owed Ryder for that and for the slap. Her pride demanded that she take some step toward satisfying its demands. With a soft sigh Brenna got to her feet and located the rust-colored suede jacket she’d brought with her. It was going to be quite chilly outside this late at night.

As she stepped outside her door Brenna saw at once that there was no light on in the cabin across the clearing. Had Ryder gone to bed early? She glanced down at her watch. It was later than she had realized. Perhaps this whole thing should wait until morning.

But something drove her forward. This wasn’t going to keep until morning. It had to be done as soon as possible. Too much time had already passed. As she walked across the clearing Brenna reminded herself over and over that going to Ryder like this involved nothing more than an apology and her personal thanks for what he had done for her and Craig. It most definitely did not involve any admission on her part that she was accepting the claim he had placed on her!

She bit her lip as she neared the cabin and realized that even the porch light was off. He must have gone to bed. Well, he would just have to get out of bed to hear what she had to say, she decided determinedly. Having made up her mind, Brenna knew she wasn’t going to abandon the project now. With a firm step she began to circle around to the front door of the cabin. Then, quite suddenly, she realized she was about to pass by the open bedroom window. The window she had attempted to crawl through that first night.

Irresistibly Brenna was drawn to a halt beside the window. Ryder would be in there. All she had to do was rap on the panes and he would hear her. There would be darkness to cover her as she made her apology. She wouldn’t have to stand in the full glare of the porch light and do it. The idea became incredibly appealing.

She moved a little closer to the open window and lifted a hand to tap on the glass. Nothing could be seen inside the shadow-filled room. Cautiously she scratched at the panes.

“Ryder?” she called very softly.

There was no answer; no sound from within. Brenna tapped gently once more. “Ryder, it’s me, Brenna. I have to talk to you. Just for a minute.” Why the devil was she whispering?

When there was still no answer, she gnawed reflectively on her lower lip and thought seriously about returning to her own cabin. In the morning she could come back and do this in broad daylight.

That thought was enough to urge her into one more effort. With every fiber of her being, Brenna wanted to get the matter out of the way tonight. Deliberately she pushed the window open wider and leaned inside the room. She still couldn’t see much except the vague outline of the end of the bed. In the poor light she couldn’t even tell if he was
in
the bed. Brenna frowned and threw a leg over the sill.

“Ryder? Are you awake?”

She was sitting astride the windowsill now, peering into the gloom. Perhaps he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. Maybe he hadn’t gone to bed yet after all.

“I’m awake.”

The soft growl didn’t come from the bed, it emanated from directly behind her shoulder, from the darkness inside the room at the edge of the window. Brenna gasped and instinctively tried to slip her leg off the sill so that she could stand safely outside the window. He put a stop to that by putting out a hand and clamping it strongly across her thigh. Automatically Brenna went very still as he moved into the pale starlight coming in through the window. When she found his face in the darkness, she drew in her breath a little shakily. He looked very dangerous there in the shadows. He was wearing only a pair of Jockey shorts, and the lean, sinewy lines of his body seemed quite pagan. The expression in his silvery eyes was totally unreadable but the hand on her thigh was easily comprehended. He wasn’t going to let her slip back outside the window.

“Good lord!” she breathed. “You frightened me. I thought you’d be in bed. When you didn’t answer my tap on the window, I decided you must not be in the room.”

“I heard you crunching around outside on the gravel. I wasn’t quite sure what to think about having you attempt to crawl through my window, though, so I thought I’d give it a few minutes to see how far you intended to go. Now you’re here shall I draw my own conclusions?” The fingers on her thigh tightened but she still couldn’t make out the emotion behind his silver gaze.

Brenna decided to plunge into her explanation without delay. That was the reason she had come to his cabin, wasn’t it? “Ryder, I’m here for—for several reasons.”

He waited, one brow arching slightly.

“First of all, I owe you an apology for what happened this morning after Craig left…” She forced herself to go on in a steady voice. “I lost my self-control. There was absolutely no excuse for that and I can only say I’m sorry. Violence is never an answer!”

“But it can, as I pointed out earlier, give one a feeling of satisfaction,” he returned dryly.

“Well, it didn’t,” she muttered icily. “I’m ashamed of myself and it only served to make me feel like a fool. My only excuse is that I was on edge at the time.”

“Yes.” There was a pause, and when she didn’t say anything else, he questioned carefully, “And your other reasons for climbing through my window tonight?”

Brenna stifled a groan. He wasn’t going to make this easy. “I wanted to thank you for helping Craig and me. You somehow managed to reassure both of us and keep things calm. I think the situation would have been a great deal more unpleasant if you hadn’t been there. It—it helped when you said that if Craig ever got himself into real trouble you’d go and get him out, and I know Craig felt better when you told him you’d look after me. Oh, I can’t explain it exactly, Ryder. It was just that your presence made things easier for my brother and for me.”

“I see. Anything else?”

Brenna hesitated. She hadn’t meant to tell him the rest. There was no need to confess everything, especially this last matter about which she still wasn’t very certain herself. But a rush of self-honesty, aided by the comforting blanket of darkness, brought the words to the surface. “You—you may have been right about my being a little envious of my brother,” she mumbled.

“Because he made the break you didn’t make years ago?” His tone was gently implacable. There was no sympathy in it at all.

“Perhaps a part of me wonders what would have happened if I hadn’t chosen the path I did. But that’s natural, isn’t it? Everyone must think along those lines from time to time. I did choose the academic world, however, and it’s been satisfying. It’s my life now and I’m content with it. I’m not like you or Craig.”

“Not even a little bit like us?”

“No,” she stated very firmly. “No, and even if I were, it’s too late. I made my choice a long time ago.”

“It’s never too late, Brenna,” he told her softly. “There are no rules that say we have to stay committed to any single job or career. The only rules we have to follow in life are the ones we make for ourselves.”

“I’m happy in my world, damn it,” she suddenly flared. “I’m good at what I do and it’s satisfying. I may wonder occasionally about the other side of life, the kind of life you have explored, but that doesn’t mean I want to explore it for myself. I’m a teacher of philosophy and that’s enough for me. I don’t entertain any secret admiration for the more adventuresome life. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even approve of many of the things you’ve done, much less admire them! I do admire my own world, or at least a great deal of it,” she added, thinking of the aspect of it she had been exposed to lately when Paul Humphrey had stolen her work. But there were honorable and dishonorable people in every profession, weren’t there?

“Okay,” Ryder said soothingly, “so you’re happy in your ivory tower. That’s your decision.”

“Thanks!”

“But that still leaves one more issue, Brenna.”

She looked at him with sudden wariness. “What issue?”

“The matter of our relationship. I have a claim on you, lady, and you can’t rationalize or argue or philosophize your way out of that. I’m waiting for you to accept it intellectually just as you’ve accepted it with your body.”

“No!” She made a startled movement, and his hand on her thigh clenched with gentle warning. “Ryder, you and I are from two different worlds.”

“That’s got nothing to do with it.”

“But it does! I need someone from the academic world. Someone who understands my career and my way of thinking. What you and I have together is a very temporary thing. You need someone who’s more—more exciting and venturesome.”