After the Sky Fell Down (23 page)

She kept looking at the clock, wondering if Sarah was having fun at the aquarium.  Having a one-year-old was exhausting, but when she wasn’t around, Kathryn felt lost and didn’t know what to do with herself.  She was hacking away at the computer, trying to stay occupied and
keep her mind off her life, which was increasingly making less and less sense.

“Morning,” Luke yawned as he walked past her bedroom.

“Morning?  It’s nearly noon,” she laughed still looking at her laptop. 

“It is?” he asked cluelessly, rubbing his eyes and scratching his hair that was sticking up like a badly trimmed hedge. 

“Yeah, it is.”

“I can’t believe I slept so late,” he said yawning again, stepping inside and flopping himself on her bed.

“Sure, go ahead,” she laughed as he was already making himself comfortable. 

“Thanks,” he said fluffing the pillow.

“So what time did you get home last night?” she asked, finally turning away from the laptop to face him.  His eyes were red and puffy and he definitely looked like he’d seen better days.

“I’m not sure,” he said groggily. “I think it was around two o’clock or something.”

“I hope it was worth it, because you look like crap,” she laughed.

“Hey, I look sexy.  You know I do,” he smirked back. “And yes, it was worth it.”

“What’d you do?”

“There was a party at the beach
.  I got a little drunk,” he laughed.

“You were there?” she gasped.

“Yeah.  You seem shocked.  What’s the big deal?”

“I was there too.”

“No you weren’t,” he said laughing again. “You never go anywhere.”

His words stung her.  So, it was true.  Every word Lacey said was true and everyone knew it.

“Well, I went somewhere last night,” she huffed.

“Yeah?” he asked propping himself up. “What made you decide to do that?”

“Lacey.”

“Ah, I see,” he smirked. “Peer pressure. Good ol’ Lacey.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Well,
did you have fun because I did?” 

“I’m glad you had such a blast,” she said sarcastically. “But it pretty much sucked for me.”

“Why?” he asked.

“I shouldn’t have gone
.  It was a stupid idea and I knew it when I agreed to go.”

“That party was great.  What happened?”

“It sucked Luke.  All I did was miss Sarah and think about Ben and to top it off, some creep Ricky, the scruffy faced red-head, hit on me,” she sighed, cringing as she thought back to it.  She saw a smile spread over Luke’s face. “You think that’s funny?”

“Well, kinda,” he laughed. “I mean, not about Sarah and Ben, but about Ricky.  Even his name is creepy.”

“It wasn’t funny Luke,” she said defensively. “It was totally weird and I hated it.  Lacey got all mad at me too.”

“Why?” he asked concerned.

“She says I don’t do anything.  She says I’ve been on pause since Ben died.  She just doesn’t get it,” she said as she felt her eyes growing warm once again.

“I’m sorry Kate,” he said using the nickname anyone hardly ever used, but for some reason, she liked the way it sounded coming from him. “I don’t think anyone understands what you’re going through.”

“You do,” she said sincerely, staring into his eyes and he looked away. “You never make me feel like I’m not handling this the right way.  You never make me feel bad.”

“Well,” he stammered, “I…I just think you…you’re where you need to be, when it comes to Ben.  It’s no one’s business and no one should pressure you.”

“Thanks Luke,” she said sighing, her eyes drifting back to him, the space next to him on the bed looking so warm and inviting.  She just wanted to feel someone’s arms around her to make it all seem okay.  She stood up, and nervously walked towards the mattress.  His eyes watched her the whole way and she stopped for a moment before hesitantly sitting down on the edge of the mattress.  She took a deep breath before wordlessly laying herself down, spooning against him.  She felt like a fool, but she hoped Luke wouldn’t pull away or say something that made her feel even dumber.  He didn’t.  Instead, she felt his arms close around her, wrapping her in the closeness she’d been craving.

His body was warm and familiar and she couldn’t help
but be transported back to that night nearly a year ago, when he’d held her like this.  She thought about that night a lot, even though they never spoke of it.  It was the last time she’d felt completely relaxed, free of the stress and sadness of life.  It was the last time she’d felt whole.  Besides Ben, she’d never been so close to anyone in her life as she was to Luke. 

She snuggled in deeper as she gently sobbed.  He held her tighter and stroked her arm with his fingertips as she cried.

“I’m sorry Luke,” she sniffed.

“Don’t be,” he said quietly in her ear and he continued to hold her until the tears had dried up and the hurt had subsided. “Feel better?” he asked once she’d calmed down

“Yeah, I do.  Do you mind if we stay like this a little longer though?” she asked as she closed her eyes.

“We can stay like this as long as you’d like.”

Chapter 24

“So how long are you going to stay mad at me?” Lacey asked the moment Kathryn picked up the phone.  They hadn’t talked much since the mini-intervention she’d staged at the party, but it seemed as if she wanted to talk now.

“I’m not mad,” Kathryn said into the receiver.

“You’ve hardly said two words to me since the party.”

“I know and I’m sorry.  I’m not mad though.”

“I know I overstepped and I should just mind my own business.”

“Well…you could say things a little more…delicately,” Kathryn said searching for the right word. “But I know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.  I know you only said those things because you care.”

“I do care.  I just want to see you try and move on, even if it’s just a little bit.”

I just want to see you try and move on
…the words resonated in her mind.  Move on.  She wondered if she could ever move on from Ben.  There would never be another Ben and Kathryn wondered if she would ever want to move on if she couldn’t have him.

“I know you do, but I want you to know I am trying, maybe not in the way everyone wants me to, but I am trying.”

“I know you are and I’m sorry to pressure you.  I just hate seeing you so sad all the time and I wasn’t sure if you were serious or not, but…” Lacey continued and then hesitated as if she was nervous to go on. “But, I did talk to that guy in my anatomy class and he seemed up to going out.  I thought maybe we could go as a group, you and me and Trevor and his friend Ian.  I thought bowling might be a good idea.  Are you up for it?’

Kathryn knew she wasn’t up for it.

“Sure,” she lied. “I told you I’d try and I will.”

“I really do think it’ll be good for you to get out.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“So, we’re on for Friday night then,” Lacey said excitedly.

“Yeah,” Kathryn said trying to mask her apprehension. 

“Excellent,” Lacey replied and Kathryn could picture the giddy smile spread across her friend’s face. “I’ll be in touch then with the details.”

“Okay.  Talk to you later,” Kathryn said trying to hide the uneasiness in her voice as she hung up the phone and walked down the hall to Sarah’s room, where she was napping in her crib.  As she looked down at her daughter, she knew Lacey was right.  She was sad…constantly...always...perpetually.  It seemed it was the only emotion she had anymore.  Even when she was smiling, there was always sadness behind it.  She was reminded of her sadness every second of every day, especially when she looked at Sarah, who was her only sense of happiness in the world.  Sarah was the living embodiment of the man she loved so much and when she was with her it was really the only time she felt like life was possible without Ben.  She leaned down and kissed Sarah on the cheek, doing her best not to wake her and then headed to her room.

A pit was forming in her stomach at the thought of going ou
t with this Trevor guy.  She had absolutely no desire to move on and go out with someone else. 

She stretched out
on the bed and stared at the picture of Ben on her nightstand.She locked onto the hazel eyes that seemed so alive, even though they were frozen in a photograph.  She reached under her pillow where she kept Ben’s forgotten t-shirt and clutched it to her as his smile warmed her.  She closed her eyes and it was as if he was with her again.  Even now she could feel him breathe, his chest rising up and down gently.  His arms were wrapped around her and she could feel his skin on hers.  She felt him stroke her hair and kiss her neck.  And then she felt a tear fall down her cheek as she realized everything she was feeling was just a memory.  He was gone.  The perfect face that smiled back at her from the picture would never shine again.  The arms she’d felt around her would never move again.  The lips she’d felt on her neck would never kiss again.  He wasn’t coming back, no matter how she tried to delude herself.  He was gone and she was still here, left behind trying to find her way without him, a task she was finding to be impossible. 

****

That night Luke brought a pizza home for dinner.  They sat at the counter with Sarah buckled into her highchair, the TV playing in the background, although no one was paying attention to it.  Sarah was shuffling Cheerios around on her tray while Kathryn and Luke dove into the pizza.

“This week has sucked,”
Luke said taking a bite and pulling it away from his mouth as he struggled with a piece of stubborn mozzarella.  “You wanna go to a movie or something on Friday night?  I’m sure my mom would watch the kid,” he said, playfully ruffling Sarah’s hair.

“I’d like to,” and then she hesitated. “But I’ve already got plans.”

“Really?” he asked curiously. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going bowling with Lacey and some guy from her anatomy class.”

“So…you’re going on a date?” he asked and she noticed him set his pizza down.

“Lacey just thought I should get out after the disastrous party last weekend,” she said, the pit forming in her stomach again fr
om the thought of going out.

“But…you’re going with a guy…a guy that Lacey set you up with it,” he said and his eyes got serious. 

“I guess so.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked and she saw him raise his eyebrows questioningly.

“Yes…no…I don’t know,” she said shaking her head as she struggled with her own thoughts. “What do you think?”

“I don’t know,” he said shortly and she could feel him pulling away from her. “It’s weird…ya know…to think of you out with someone else.”

“We’re just hanging out.  I told Lacey I would.”

“That’s what Lacey wants, but what do you want?”

“I don’t know,” she said honestly and she set her pizza down as her appetite suddenly vanished.

“Well, let me know how it goes.  And don’t worry, I’ll watch Sarah while you go out,” he said quietly as he took a gulp from his soda and another bite of the pizza he’d abandoned earlier.  The room got unusually quiet, the only sound being that of Sarah’s cereal scraping across her tray
and the television.  “I think I’m gonna watch some TV while I eat,” Luke said suddenly, picking up his plate and soda and walking into the living room leaving Kathryn alone at the table with nothing but her thoughts and her doubts.

When the doorbell rang, her stomach turned knowing that her date was on the other side of the door waiting for her.  Lacey had come over to wait for the guys and Luke had taken Sarah over to his mom’s place for dinner.  Neither she nor Luke thought it was appropriate for Sarah to be there when she met this Trevor guy.  Lacey stood up to get the door and Kathryn almost jumped up and begged her not to answer it.

“Hey, come in,” Lacey said opening the door and stepping aside.

Kathryn watched as the two boys walked in.  They smiled over to her and she nervously smiled back.  Lacey led them over to the living room, where they sat down on the couch.

“Kathryn, this is Ian and Trevor,” Lacey said introducing them and she noticed Lacey’s eyebrows raised and she smiled when she said Trevor’s name.

Kathryn looked over this person who seemed to be checking her out too.  He was cute, she thought, but he was no Ben.  He was tall, but not nearly as tall as Ben and she knew he wouldn’t tower over her the way he had.  His hair was light brown and it was cut short, almost military style.  She noticed his eyes were squinty when he smiled, unlike Ben’s, whose eyes only seemed to grow bigger and brighter whenever he smiled.  Trevor’s seemed almost hidden and she didn’t like it. 

“Hey.  Nice to meet you,” Trevor said walking over to her and extending his hand.

“Hi,” she said trying to smile at him, but as their hands touched she felt nothing.