After We Collided (The After Series) (60 page)

“I didn’t think so.” I sigh, not allowing any more tears to be shed for him, not until I’m alone, at least.

Hardin stands in front of me with a completely blank expression
as I pull up Landon’s number and ask him to open the door for me. I should have known that Hardin was only going to fight enough to get me out of Zed’s apartment. Now that he actually has the perfect opportunity to tell me everything I need to hear, he’s standing there in silence.

“COME ON, IT’S FREEZING,”
Landon says and closes the door behind me.

I don’t want to push my problems on Landon right now. He only got home from New York a few hours ago, and I need to not be selfish.

He grabs the blanket that hangs over the back of the chair and drapes it over my shoulders. “Let’s go upstairs before they get up,” he suggests, and I nod.

My entire body and mind are numb from the snow and Hardin. I glance at the clock as I follow Landon up the stairs; it’s ten till six. I need to get into the shower in ten minutes. It’s going to be a long day. Landon opens the door to the room I’ve been staying in and turns the light on as I walk over to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re freezing,” he says, and I nod. I’m grateful for him not asking what I’m wearing and why.

“How was New York?” I ask, but I know my voice comes out monotone and uninterested. The thing is, I
am
interested in my best friend’s life, I just have no emotions left to show.

He gives me a little look. “You sure you want to talk about this right now? It can wait until coffee o’clock, you know.”

“I’m sure,” I say and force a smile.

I’m used to this back-and-forth with Hardin; it still hurts, but I knew it was coming. It always does. I can’t believe he went to England to get away from me. He said he had to clear his head, but I should be the one clearing mine. I shouldn’t have stayed
outside and talked to him for so long. I should have had him drive me here and come right inside the house instead of listening to him. The words he said only made me more confused. I thought for a moment he was going to say he does see and want a future with me, but when it came time for him to say just that, he let me walk away again.

When he admitted that he wanted to take me away to England so I couldn’t leave him, I should have run for the hills, but I know him too well. I know he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of anyone loving him, and I know that in his mind that made sense to him. The problem is that’s not a normal thing to do—he can’t just expect me to give up everything and be trapped with him in England. We can’t be there just because he’s scared that if we’re not, I’ll leave him.

He has a lot of things he needs to work out on his own, and so do I. I love him, but I have to love myself more.

“It was nice, I loved it. Dakota’s apartment is really awesome, and her roommate is really nice,” Landon starts off by saying. And all I can think is that it must be so nice to have an uncomplicated relationship. Memories of Noah and me watching endless hours of movies flash through my mind; nothing was ever complicated with him. But maybe that’s why it didn’t last. Maybe that’s why I love Hardin so much: because he challenges me and we have so much passion between us that it nearly crushes us both.

After he tells me some more details, I pick up on his excitement over New York City. “So are you moving there?” I ask.

“Yeah, I think I am. Not until the semester ends, but I really want to be near her. I miss her a lot,” he tells me.

“I know you do. I’m happy for you, I really am.”

“I’m sorry that you and Hardin . . .”

“Don’t be. It’s done. I’m done. I have to be. Maybe I should come to New York with you.” I smile, and his face lights up with the warm smile I adore so much.

“You could, you know.”

I always say this. I always say I’m done with Hardin, then I go back to him; it’s an endless cycle. So in this moment, I make a decision: “I’m going to talk to Christian Tuesday about Seattle.”

“Really?”

“I have to,” I tell him, and he nods in agreement.

“I’m going to get dressed, so you can take a shower. I’ll meet you downstairs when you’re ready.”

“I missed you so much.” I stand and hug him as tight as I can. Tears spill down my cheeks, and he hugs me tighter.

“I’m sorry, I’m just a mess now. I have been since he came into my life,” I cry and pull away.

He frowns but doesn’t say anything as he heads to the door. I gather my clothes in my arms and follow him into the hallway to head to the bathroom.

“Tessa?” he says as he reaches his bedroom door.

“Yeah?”

Landon looks at me with great sympathy in his eyes. “Just because he can’t love you the way you want him to doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you with everything he has,” he says.

What does that even mean? I process his words as I close the bathroom door and start the shower. Hardin loves me, I know he does, but he continues to make mistake after mistake. I continue to make the mistake of putting up with it. Does he love me with everything he has? Is that enough? As I pull Zed’s T-shirt over my head, there’s a knock at the door.

“Hang on, Landon, I need one second,” I call and pull the shirt down to cover my stomach.

But when I open the door, it’s not Landon. It’s Hardin, and his cheeks are stained with tears and his eyes are bloodshot.

“Hardin?”

His hand cups my neck, and he pulls me to him. His mouth moves against mine before I can resist.

I
can taste my tears and the hesitation on her lips as I bring her body against mine. I press my palm against the small of her back and kiss her harder—it’s a feverish and purely emotional kiss, and I could pass out from the relief of feeling her mouth on mine.

I know it won’t be long before she pushes me away, so I take in every movement of her tongue, every barely audible gasp falling from her lips.

All of the pain from the last eleven days nearly evaporates when her arms wrap around my waist, and in this moment, more than ever, I know that no matter how much we fight, we will always find a way back to each other. Always.

After I watched her walk back into the house, I sat in my car for a second before finally growing some fucking balls and coming after her. I’ve let her slip away too many times, and I can’t take the chance of this being the last day I see her. I lost it—I couldn’t help but cry as Landon closed the door behind her. I knew that I had to come after her, I had to fight for her before someone else takes her away from me.

I’ll show her that I can be who she wants me to be. Not completely, but I can show her how much I love her and that I won’t allow her to walk away so easily, not anymore.

“Hardin . . .” she says and gently presses her hand against my chest and pushes me back, breaking our kiss.

“Don’t, Tessa,” I beg her. I’m not ready for it to end yet.

“Hardin, you can’t just kiss me and expect everything to be
okay. Not this time,” she whispers, and I fall to my knees in front of her.

“I know, I don’t know why I let you walk away again, but I’m sorry. So sorry, baby,” I tell her, hoping the use of the word will help my cause. I wrap my arms around her legs, and her hands move to my head, caressing and running her fingers through my hair. “I know I always fuck everything up and I know I can’t treat you the way that I have been. I just love you so much that it overwhelms me, and I don’t know what the fuck to do half the time, so I just say things on impulse and don’t think of how the words affect you. I know I keep breaking your heart, but please . . . please let me fix it. I’ll put it back together and I won’t dare to break it again. I’m sorry, I’m always sorry, I know. I’ll get a fucking shrink or something. I don’t care, just . . .” I sob into her legs.

I grab hold of the waistband of the boxers and slide them down.

“What are you . . .” She stops my hands.

“Please, just take them off. I can’t stand you wearing them, please . . . I won’t touch you, just let me take them off,” I beg, and she lifts her hands from mine, returning them to my hair as I slide the boxers to the floor and she steps out of them.

Her hand moves under my chin to lift up my head. Her small fingers caress my cheek, then move up to wipe away the tears from my eyes. Her face holds a confused expression, and she watches me carefully, as if she’s studying me.

“I don’t understand you,” she tells me, still swiping her thumb across my tearstained cheeks.

“I don’t either,” I agree, and she frowns.

I stay in this position, kneeling in front of her, begging for her to give me one last chance even though I’ve blown through more chances than I deserve. I register that the bathroom has filled with steam, and her hair is sticking to her face, and moisture is beginning to pool on her skin.

God, she’s beautiful.

“We can’t keep going back and forth, Hardin. It’s not good for either of us.”

“It’s not going to be that way anymore; we can get through this. We’ve gotten through worse, and I know now how quickly I can lose you. I took you for granted, and I know that. I’m only asking for one more chance.” I take her face between my hands.

“It’s not that simple,” she tells me; her bottom lip begins to quiver, and I’m still trying to stop my tears.

“It’s not supposed to be simple.”

“It’s not supposed to be this hard either.” She begins to cry with me.

“Yes; yes, it is. It’ll never be easy with us. We are who we are, but it won’t always be this hard. We just have to learn to talk to each other without fighting every time. If we’d been able to have a conversation about the future, it wouldn’t have turned into this big fucking mess.”

“I tried, but you wouldn’t have it,” she reminds me.

“I know.” I sigh. “And that’s something I have to learn. I’m a mess without you, Tessa. I’m nothing. I can’t eat, sleep, or even breathe. I’ve been crying for days straight, and you know I don’t cry. I just . . . I need you.” My voice is breaking and cracking, and I sound like a fucking idiot.

“Stand up.” She hooks her arm under mine to try to pull me up.

Once I’m on my feet, I stand directly in front of her. My breath is ragged, and it’s hard to breathe in here, with the steam filling every inch of the bathroom.

Her eyes pour into mine as she takes in my confession. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m crying, she wouldn’t believe me. I know she’s battling with herself, I can tell by the look in her eyes. I’ve seen it before.

“I don’t know if I can; we keep doing this over and over. I
don’t know if I can set myself up for it again.” She looks down at the ground. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, look at me,” I plead and tilt her head up so her eyes meet mine.

She averts her eyes, though. “No, Hardin. I need to get in the shower, I’m going to be late.”

I capture a single tear from just below her eye and nod.

I know that I’ve put her through hell and no one in their right mind would take me back again after the bet, the lies, and my constant need to fuck everything up. She’s not
like
anyone else, though; she loves unconditionally, and she puts everything she has into loving me. Even now, when she’s turning me away, I know she loves me.

“Just think about it, okay?” I ask her.

I’ll give her space to think about it, but I’m not going to give up on her. I need her too fucking much.

“Please?” I say when she doesn’t respond.

“Okay,” Tessa finally whispers.

And my heart leaps.

“I’ll show you—I’ll show you how much I love you and that this can work. Just don’t give up on me yet, okay?” I wrap my hand around the doorknob.

She bites down on her bottom lip, and I let go of the knob to close the small space between us. When I reach her she looks up with cautious eyes. I want to kiss her lips again, to feel her arms wrapped around me, but instead I plant a single kiss on her cheek and step away from her.

“Okay,” she repeats, and I head out of the door.

It takes every bit of self-discipline I possess to walk out of the bathroom, especially when I turn around and she’s pulling the T-shirt over her head to expose her creamy skin, which I haven’t laid eyes on in what seems like years.

I shut the door behind me and lean against the frame, closing my eyes to stop myself from crying again.
Fuck.

At least she said she’d think about it. She seemed so apprehensive, though, like it pained her to think of being with me again. I open my eyes when Landon’s bedroom door opens, and he steps into the hall wearing a white polo and khakis.

“Hey,” he says to me as he slings his bag over his shoulder.

“Hey.”

“Is she okay?” he asks.

“No, but I hope she will be.”

“Me, too. She’s stronger than she knows.”

“I know she is.” I use my shirt to wipe my eyes. “I love her.”

“I know you do,” he says, which surprises me.

I look up at him again. “How do I show her that? What would you do?” I ask him.

A pained look flashes in his eyes, but quickly disappears before he answers. “You just have to prove to her that you’ll change for her; you have to treat her the way she deserves to be treated and give her the space she needs.”

“It’s not that easy to give her space,” I tell him. I can’t believe I’m talking to Landon about this shit, again.

“You have to, though, or she’ll just fight back against you. Why don’t you try to show her in a nonsuffocating way that you’ll fight for her? That’s all she wants. She wants you to make an effort.”

“A ‘nonsuffocating’ effort?” I don’t suffocate her.

Okay, maybe I do, but I can’t help it, there is no lukewarm for me: I either push her away or hold her too close. I don’t know how to balance the two.

“Yeah,” he says, like I wasn’t being sarcastic.

But since I need his help, I shake the attitude off. “Could you explain what the hell you mean? Give me an example or something.”

“Well, you could ask her out on a date. Have you guys ever even been on an actual date?” he asks.

“Yeah, of course we have,” I say quickly.