Against the Tide (33 page)

“Well, that shut you up, didn’t it?” she jokes, but I can’t even react to her. I don’t know how to process this. “Look, you seem like a good guy, and I told her not to go to this appointment, but she is her own person. She doesn’t want to bring up a baby on her own, so−”

“Wait, what’s she at the clinic for? Shit. Is it mine?” I have to ask although I know the possibility is slim.

“Yes. She thinks so. The little test thingy she got tells you how many weeks along you are, roughly. It all points to …”

“Where’s the clinic?”

“It’s on the wing of the hospital. Her appointment is at ten. You might catch her if you go now.”

“Shit, I was there, I was only just there. Thanks, Jamie,” I call out as I’m already running back down the path and hopping in the cab.

My mind reels at this. She’s pregnant? It’s mine? Why didn’t she tell me? I thought we were getting somewhere, moving forward? Oh, god. I was such a fucking prick to her in the beginning. Bad enough for her to not be able to tell me that she’s pregnant, and now … I can’t even think about that, I just have to get to her.

After spending the whole night tossing and turning and not really getting much sleep, I came to one conclusion. I want this baby. I don’t think I ever wanted to get rid of it, I just couldn’t see a realistic way to make it work on my own. Even if by a one percent chance it’s Damien’s baby, it’s mine too, and that’s what I was neglecting to realise. This little person. This little baby, is a piece of me too, and will always be a piece of me. If Finn doesn’t want anything to do with me or it, then I’ll do it on my own. It won’t always be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

“Miss Randall?” The receptionist calls, making me jump.

“Yes.”

“Room four. If you’d like to go through.”

“Thank you.” My voice sounds small in the stark white waiting room and I’m glad to not be kept waiting for too long.

I push open the door to room four and enter, feeling less nervous than I thought I would.

“Hi,” I greet the lady behind the desk in front of me and she gives me a warm smile back.

“Miss Randall?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, just a few questions to start. I−”

“Can I just tell you? I’m not here for a termination.” She goes to speak, and I hold up my hand to explain further. “I thought I wanted a termination but I don’t. I’m not wasting your time, I promise. But I want this baby.” I press my hand gently against my tummy, hoping that it can hear what I’m saying. “I need a scan. I need to know how far along I am, and I know that’s not the usual procedure, and I would normally have to wait for that kind of thing, but this appointment was already made and I just need to know. Can you do that for me? Please?”

“Well, um …” She looks totally confused and blindsided by my direct approach but I needed to tell her how it is.

“Look, you would have given me a scan to determine how far along before deciding on what route to take if I didn’t want this baby, wouldn’t you?”

“Well, yes.”

“And that’s the scan machine right there?”

“Yes.” She rolls her eyes and a smile plays on the corner of her lips.

“And you have plenty of time because I’m here in my own time slot, right? And you would be scanning me anyway …”

“You’re persistent.”

“Yes, well, I know what I want.” I smile at her, genuinely happy, because this little part of the jigsaw puzzle looks to be working itself out.

“We’ll need to do a transvaginal scan as it’s early on, so if you can slip your jeans and pants off and cover yourself with the sheet on the bed, we can get started.”

“Okay. Thank you,” I say genuinely as I settle myself on the bed.

After getting everything in place, she fiddles around with knobs and buttons on the machine and a grainy picture comes up on the monitor.

“So, when was your last period?” she asks.

“About seven weeks ago, maybe a little more.”

“Okay, let’s have a look.” She moves the probe around until she gets a clearer picture on the screen. “Well, you’re definitely pregnant,” she announces, and now that it’s been confirmed it seems so real, and for the first time, I’m genuinely happy about that. “And there’s your little baby.”

She clicks a button and points to a little white bean shape on the screen.

“Oh my god,” I whisper, with tears touching my voice. “That’s my little baby.”

She smiles warmly at me, and I realise this must be a nice change for her. To see someone actually happy about being pregnant and seeing their baby on the screen. For others that come here for a termination, it must be heart-breaking. I was sure about keeping this baby before I walked in this room, but I’m certain now, especially after seeing it. There’s no way I could not have this little person that’s growing inside of me.

“Let me just take some measurements.” She clicks some more buttons and moves the probe around a little more before placing it back on the machine. “Baby is measuring at about six weeks. Does that sound about right to you?”

I do the math in my head and figure that it is measuring at almost exactly to that night. “Yes, that sounds just right.” That one night that changed everything for both of us. And now this. I don’t know about Finn, and I know it’s going to be hard to tell him. But I have to give him the choice. He needs to know that he can be involved as much or as little as he likes. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want him there with me every step of the way, but I’m also realistic about the prospect that he’s going to run for the hills.

“Okay, so you need to be seen on a monthly basis, until you’re further along then you’ll be seen more frequently. You’ll have another scan at twelve weeks to check on baby and take some more measurements, and if you have any questions, your doctor will assign you a midwife who will answer anything you throw at her.”

“Okay,” I answer, a little overwhelmed with information and happiness.

“Here. These are yours.” She passes me two small scan pictures that she’s printed off, and I take them in awe. “Congratulations,” she offers, with a warm smile.

“Thank you,” I murmur.

I sit on the wall outside the clinic staring at my pictures. Staring at the picture of my little baby. The little person that’s growing inside my belly and who’s going to change everything. My eyes start to water, happy tears roll down my cheeks. I blink them away so that I can see the pictures but every time I blink, they fill up again.

“Megan!” I hear a yell, and look up to find Finn clambering out of a taxi and running toward me. “Megan, tell me you didn’t do it, please!” I stand as he skids to a halt in front of me, his handsome face twisted in fear and worry.

“Finn, what are you doing here? How did you know I was here?”

“Jamie told me.”

“Told you what?”

“She told me that you’re pregnant, is that right?”

“Yes, I’m pregnant.” I nod.

“You are? You’re still pregnant? You didn’t …”

“No,” I whisper. “I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to. I’m sorry I never told you sooner, but I−”

“Is it mine?” he asks desperately. “I know it’s a long shot, but is it mine?” He searches my eyes intently, and I nod my answer nervously, holding out the scan picture for him to see. He looks at it then glances back to me before taking the paper so carefully in his thumb and forefinger. He stares at it for a long time, not showing any expression, no reaction. Then a tear rolls down his cheek and he breathes out a laugh. “This is my baby?” he whispers.

“Yes,” I whisper back, my tears now match the ones rolling down his cheeks.

He places his hand on my face and wipes away a tear with his thumb. “We made a baby, Megan.”

“Yeah, we did,” I say through the tears.

“The first time?”

“Yes.” I laugh.

He looks at me through dark, wet lashes, with a tenderness so sincere and powerful that I don’t regret my decision for one minute. I don’t regret that night with him. How can I if it brought us here? My mum always used to say that everything happens for a reason, and I never really believed her. Now, I know what she meant.

“There’s a little baby growing in here?” He takes his hand from my cheek and places it flat against my stomach. “My little baby. Our little baby,” he muses more to himself than me, with so much wonder in his voice I think he’s still in a state of disbelief. “Meg, I …” His hand snakes around my waist, and he pulls me closer, hooking his other arm behind my head, still clutching the pictures carefully in his hand. He just holds me close, burying his head in my hair and nuzzling gently. Then he gently kisses my neck, and I let my head fall back, giving him better access. I don’t care that we’re in a public car park. It’s him, and me, and now us. He keeps going until he has trailed burning kisses along a path up to my lips, and he presses his open mouth to mine. His kiss is slow, and thoughtful. It feels different, and I know he’s making a silent promise through his lips.

He regretfully pulls away, but he has a softness to his eyes. “There’s so much we need to talk about, Meg. This changes everything. I have to look after you now. I have to look after my baby, our baby, and you’re going to have to let me.”

“Finn−”

“Just let me finish,” he says pressing his index finger to my lips. “I won’t crowd you. I won’t hassle you. But I want you. I want there to be a ‘me and you’, an ‘us’. I thought that was what I wanted after yesterday, but I’m certain now.”

“Okay,” I answer without hesitation. It’s the easiest answer I’ve given. I want to be his, I want there to be an ‘us’.

“Okay?” he asks, surprised that I didn’t put up a fight.

“Okay, let’s see where this takes us, but Finn …”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s take it slow, okay?”

“Slow? We already made a baby,” he teases.

“I know, but I don’t want to move in and get married or anything like that. I want to date. Like we did last night. I want to get to know you. I don’t know anything about you and you don’t know me. Do you even know my surname?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s,” I notice him look at the scan picture over my shoulder, “Randall. Your surname is Randall.”

“You looked at the picture!”

“I didn’t! I was looking at our baby!” he protests playfully.

“You’re such a liar.”

“Do you even know my surname?”

“Yes, it’s James,” I answer proudly.

“How do you know that?” he asks and I start to giggle. “Because Jamie stalked you on Facebook. That, and you made your appointment with me to pierce your nipple under your surname.”

“Oh yeah. Your friend stalked me?” he answers, surprised. “I forgot I even had an account on Facebook.”

“Well, you do. Oh, I loved the album that shows all your tats, by the way.”

“You stalked my pictures, too?”

“Not me, Jamie.”

“Yes, of course. She must have forced you to look.” He rolls his eyes.

“Something like that.”

He sighs and looks at me with his head cocked to one side. “Let’s get a coffee, yeah?” he says quietly, bringing us back to the here and now. I guess we really do have a lot to talk about.

I’m having a baby. Holy shit.

Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any more complicated, whoever is in charge of my fate shows me that I’m not done with my share of shocks and trials. But this trial isn’t a problem. It doesn’t make my life worse, or cause me unbearable heartache like some of the other tests I’ve been put through. “Here,” I pass Meg my coffee and pull my jumper over my head and lay it on the grass for her to sit on.