Alana (7 page)

When he could stay still no longer, he stepped onto the dock and called her name. He saw her stiffen, and then saw her hands release the wood railing.

Alana turned to face Rafe, her heart racing. She saw the strain on his features and smiled sadly. “It is hard for you,” she whispered, longing to touch his face but unwilling to risk it for fear she would lose her resolve.

“I will survive,” he said dryly but not without emotion.

“I know you will. We both will.”

Rafe walked past her and leaned on the railing. He looked across the river at the dark shadows of the trees. “Tell me how you managed to keep Riverbend whole during the war.”

“It was something I had to do,” she said simply.

Rafe turned on her, his eyes narrow and piercing. “Like marrying Jason?”

Alana held her ground, her tone flat. “Yes, like marrying Jason.”

Rafe stepped close to her, his eyes never leaving her face. His arms went around her and drew her to him. He could feel the heat of her breasts branding him. When Alana did not pull away, he lowered his mouth to her warm lips.

This kiss, unlike their first, was soft and gentle. When it ended and Rafe drew back, he saw passion flooding Alana’s eyes.

Before he could kiss her again, Alana pulled free. “No more,” she pleaded. “I cannot think when you do that. I cannot stop myself from giving in to you.”

“And you want me to prevent that for you?” he asked in a tightly controlled voice.

“You must,” she said.

“When I’m with you, it takes all my willpower not to touch you, not to pull you to me and make love to you. And knowing that you want me, how can you ask me not to take you?”

“Because you’re strong, Rafe, stronger than I.”

“You love me Alana, even though you won’t speak the words; I can see it on your face and in your eyes.”

Alana felt as if she were trapped. She wanted to shout her love to the heavens, but she could not. Instead, she asked, “How could I carry that shame into my marriage?”

“How can you live knowing that you did not take happiness when it was offered?” he challenged in return. “Alana, I have stayed because of you. I am living every day as if it were my last. I find it impossible not to hold you next to me, not to feel the softness of your breasts upon me. You ask a lot of one man.”

“Only because I know the man and know what he is capable of doing,” she said. Her hand, no longer obeying her mind, rose to his face. She traced the deeply etched grooves that framed his full mouth and then let her fingertips brush across his lips.

“Because I love you and would see you until I no longer may. You have my heart, Rafe–is that not enough?”

“It will never be enough!  Only having you at my side, in my bed, waking when I do, laughing with me, living with me, and raising our children together will be enough–and perhaps not even that will be enough,” he whispered truthfully.

Alana’s fingers shook. She clasped her hands together before her and looked across the water. When she spoke, her voice faltered, but she didn’t care.

“Until a…a week ago, I did not know what love could really mean.” She stopped then, her mouth dry, her throat trying to prevent the words from coming out. “I–Rafe, I must be satisfied with that knowledge only, for anything else would be a betrayal.”

Rafe studied Alana’s face, then reached out and grasped her hands. She lifted her eyes to him.

“You forget how much I know about you, Alana. There were too many nights in prison that Jason and I spent talking of you–or should I say that Jason talked and I listened.”

Rafe took a deep breath. “All your life has been spent fulfilling obligations put upon you. The first was to your mother, to protect Riverbend. Then you had to care for your father until he walked out on you. And when Jason asked you to marry him, you accepted because of your obligation to him and to Riverbend, did you not?”

“Still,” Alana said, freeing her hands, pulling her shoulders straight and arching her neck proudly in the face of Rafe’s truths, “I will marry him.”

“What about you, Alana? What about your obligation to yourself? Is your entire life to be lived for others? You’re not some old woman who has no other purpose in life than to play nursemaid. You’re young, alive, and the most vital woman, the most beautiful woman I have ever known. You have passions within you that will destroy you if they aren’t released. You have needs, Alana, strong needs. If you didn’t, you would not have asked me to stay.”

Rafe stared into the pools of her eyes. Her mouth was set in a tight line, and a vein in her neck throbbed visibly in the moonlight.

“You don’t know everything, Rafael Montgomery; if you did, you would know that I cannot change what must be, nor can I betray the man who has given me so much in my times of need.”

“You talk of betrayal, Alana, and you are right. It doesn’t take the powers of a god to see into your heart, it takes the power of a lover. I can see, even if you won’t, that no matter what you do, you will betray someone. And, that someone might be you. Think about it, my love.” Releasing her suddenly, he stepped around her and disappeared into the blackness of the night.

As
her wedding day drew near, Alana found herself busier than she ever before. She had delegated all responsibility for the wedding banquet to Lorelei, who she knew was more than capable of handling it.

To Ben she issued instructions for constructing and setting up the tables and seats for the guests. She had also told Ben to open the long been closed guest wing of Riverbend, for those people who would be arriving from Charleston the day before the wedding.

The wedding itself and the celebration after would be held on the north lawn, adjacent to the gardens. And although the expenses were high, and Alana knew she would have to sell the remainder of her jewelry, she did not mind, for she believed that a large social gathering might help Jason recover some of his lost spirit.

While the field hands worked in the north lawn, every morning for three days Alana had stood impatiently while the seamstress refitted her mother’s wedding gown to her. After that, she had spent another hour sitting with Jason to discuss the plantation and his shipping business.

At first, Jason had resisted her efforts to get him involved again and had refused to advise her on business matters. Patiently, she had been able to draw him, albeit reluctantly, into the problems they faced under the harsh economic changes that now ruled the South. The moment she was finished, however, he would retreat into the drug-induced stupor that Alana had come to know so well.

After the fittings and her meetings with Jason, along with whatever else happened to interfere with her regular routine, she, Jason, and Rafe would sit down for lunch.

By that time, Alana could no longer stay in the house. She would change into her work clothes–a pair of men’s riding pants and a white cotton shirt–and ride across the plantation, checking on everything and breathing the scents of freedom and life.

Today, like the days before it, Alana rode through the fields, forcing herself to do whatever was necessary to keep her mind free from thoughts of Rafe and of the life she would never have with him. Yearning for Rafe filled her heart, making it swell with love whenever she looked at him, but she could not allow herself to give in to her desires.

“Better to not know his touch than to feel it once and never again,” she said again to herself. But she knew that when night fell and the heavy perfume of fall flowers bathed the air, her body would again tremble with unfulfilled desire, and her passions, so long dormant, would rise up to taunt her mercilessly.

“Three more days,” she whispered to the air.

Reining in her horse, Alana looked about. She was at the southern edge of Riverbend, which was the joining of her land and Jason Landow’s. In the distance, she saw the burned-out shell of his old plantation house, and again she felt the deep loss within her soul.

Alana knew that in time she and Jason would reclaim the lands, long gone to weed, and cultivate them as they had been cultivated for over a hundred years.

Sighing, Alana started toward the ruins.

~~~~~

“I think you look rather elegant,” Rafe said as he studied Jason in the gray uniform of an infantry officer.

Jason glared at him, his eyes not as glazed as usual. “The war is over; this army no longer exists,” he said tersely, flicking his fingers across the brass buttons of the jacket.

“Does that make you any less an officer who served bravely for his cause?” Rafe asked sharply, refusing to listen to any more of Jason’s ill-tempered remarks.

Each day found Rafe more raw-edged than ever. His one vain hope was that Jason would begin to return to life instead of running away from it–for if he did, Rafe could leave with the knowledge that Alana’s life might not be completely ruined.

Silence fell between the two men. The seamstress removed the jacket, being careful not to prick Jason with any of the needles. Then she went over to Rafe and put on the jacket she had made for him to wear for the ceremony.

As she worked, Rafe studied Jason. There were many things he wanted to say, but not until they were alone. When the seamstress finished and withdrew from the library, Rafe stepped close to the man in the wheeled chair. He spoke in a low voice, but the power behind his words cut through Jason’s barriers.

“Don’t throw away what Alana is giving you, Jason. Accept it and live with it. Make something of your life together.”

Jason stared at Rafe, his eyes open and clear. “I have nothing to use to make a life.”

“Then let her go!” he snapped angrily.

“She won’t let me–as you wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do.”

A cloud of anger swept across Rafe’s face. “If you wanted death so badly, Jason, nothing I have ever said would have stopped you. What you want, my friend, is pity!”

Unexpectedly, Jason smiled. “How often did you say those words to me when we were in prison? Too often,” he answered for himself. “Perhaps you are right, perhaps what I want is pity. But damn it, man, I earned that pity when the rocket fragment destroyed my future.”

“You unfeeling son of a bitch!” Rafe swore angrily. “That fragment has injured your spine, but not your mind. You’re destroying your future yourself!”

Again, Jason smiled, and Rafe’s anger lessened.

“Some pair we make, eh? I’ve lost my home and half my body, and you don’t even know what happened to everything that once was yours. We both have our crosses to bear, Rafe, and we must do it in our own ways.”

“Is your way to inflict pain on another?”

Jason stiffened, and the friendly lines that had softened his features disappeared. “If you were anyone else, I would challenge you, wheeled chair or no. But we two have survived hell together, and that surmounts anything we might say. I will forget you spoke those words. What Alana and I do is between us, and only us!”

“Is it?” Rafe asked.

Jason winced, and a low groan of pain escaped his lips. Damn him, Rafe thought, for hiding behind his injury. Then his anger abated, and the very pity that he had tried never to feel for Jason finally came out.

Shaking his head, he went to Jason. “This is no time for arguing, old friend,” he said.

Jason looked up and slowly nodded his head. “I need you to do something for me.”

“What?”

“I learned today that Alana has been selling her jewels to pay the creditors. It will be awhile before my business funds are accessible. The bills are mounting here, and Alana has no money left.” Jason paused to take a deep breath.

Rafe watched him, knowing that the laudanum had worn off and that Jason was in a great deal of pain. He started toward the bed table, but Jason stopped him.

“Gabriel can do that. I need you to go to my old home. I took precautions before I left for the war. Behind the stable is a well. Two feet beneath the lip, you will find a series of irregular bricks. Behind the bricks is a strongbox of gold. Bring it to Alana for me.”

~~~~~

Carefully, Alana approached the burned-out husk of the house on foot. When she was twenty feet from it, she stopped. The scent of rot and decay reached her.

A horse’s whinny echoed, and Alana whirled. Quietly circling the burnt timbers, she came upon the horse tied to a sapling that grew near the ransacked stable–and breathed a sigh of relief when she recognized it as Rafe’s.

Hearing a scraping sound, she walked toward it. She stopped when she saw Rafe bent over the well, his upper torso hidden within it. She walked to where he was, sat on the rim of the well, and spoke. “What are you doing here?”

Rafe pulled himself up and turned to Alana. His gaze washed across her face and a smile curved his lips. “Doing an errand.”

“I think we have enough water at Riverbend,” she stated.

“Water, yes–but gold?” he asked.

Alana’s eyes narrowed. “What gold?”

“Jason’s.” With that, he returned to his task, leaving Alana to her thoughts. Five minutes later, and after several loud splashes from falling bricks, Rafe straightened up, his cheeks smudged with dirt. Silently, he handed Alana the strongbox.

Alana took the box and carefully raised the lid. A gasp escaped her lips. Sunlight glinted from a pile of shiny golden coins. Just this morning she had been trying not to panic over Riverbend’s lack of money–and suddenly here was hope. She looked back at Rafe. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“Don’t thank me. Thank Jason.”

Alana nodded and put the strongbox on the ground. “Rafe, I–I know this has been hard on you, and I just want to thank you again for being my friend.”

Rafe tensed, and then shook his head. When he spoke, his words were not what she expected. “Don’t delude yourself, Alana. I am not your friend. At least, not the kind of friend you mean.” Confused, Alana tried to explain herself, but Rafe would not let her. “If you can’t tell me the truth, at least do me the kindness of not deceiving yourself.”

“Truth?” she asked, her voice bitter for the first time as her emotions, long held in check, now erupted. “You want truth, Rafe? All right, then truth you shall have!

“You walked into my life eleven days ago. You turned everything in my world upside down. You awakened a need in me, a desire that should never have been born.” She stared at him defiantly, unable to stop the flow of words she had unleashed. “You touched me, and my heart became yours. You looked at me, and I melted under your gaze. Until I met you, I had never wanted anyone. Now all I can do is think of you and of what I will never have. I hate you for doing this to me, Rafe Montgomery, I hate you almost as much as I love you!”

Then the tears at last broke through, cascading along her cheeks. Alana, her eyes fixed on Rafe, uttered no sound.

As he had wanted to do ever since he had first laid eyes on Alana, Rafe reached for her and pulled her to him. Gently he stroked her mane of long raven hair.

Alana buried her face in his chest and let her tears continue to flow. She leaned on him to gather strength from his rocklike stability, but then she realized weakness was once again claiming her.

She suddenly lifted her arms and curled her hands into fists. She pummeled his chest and shoulders, striking him harder and harder as she finally cried out her frustration. Yet his hands never loosened on her, nor did he try to stop her from what she did.

Then she jerked herself free and fled back to where she’d left her horse. Untying him, she jumped onto the gelding’s back and kicked his flanks cruelly in an effort to escape from herself as well as Rafe.

Behind her, Rafe remained motionless until she was gone. Only then did he retrieve the strongbox and start back to Riverbend.

~~~~~

Sitting at her dressing table in her nightgown, Alana brushed her hair. The sun had long since set, but her mind had not yet calmed from her confrontation with Rafe.

There was a low knock at the door and Lorelei, carrying a tray, came in.

“I thought you mights be hungry,” Lorelei said when she put the tray on the dresser.

“I’m not hungry, Lorelei, but thank you,” Alana said in a listless voice.

Lorelei looked at her, her heart going out to Alana. “Alana chile’, we’s got ta talk.” Only when they were alone did Lorelei call Alana by her name instead of Miss Alana. It was something they had always done, from the time Alana was crawling.

Alana sighed and shook her head. “I’m all talked out, Lorelei.”

“Nonsense,” Lorelei stated as she stared at Alana, her hands on her hips. “De only time a body be all talked out is when de body be under de ground. And chile’, it be a long time afor dat be happenin’ to you.”

Alana smiled hesitantly. “Why did you stay, Lorelei? Why didn’t you go north when you had the chance?”

“I swear, chile’, sometime you act like you doesn’t have any sense a’tall. You is my family, Alana, I couldn’t no mo’ leave you den you could leave Riverbend.”

“We are family, aren’t we?” Alana asked in a whisper.

“Dat is just what we be,” Lorelei stated. Then she went close to Alana and gazed deeply into her eyes. “Talk to me, Alana chile’. Tell ol’ Lorelei what be botherin’ you. You be scared of de marriage?”

Alana shook her head. “I’m scared of myself.”

Lorelei nodded her head knowingly. “You be speaking of Mister Rafe.”

Alana stiffened at Lorelei’s words. Her eyes widened as she looked at the woman who had raised her. “You know?” she whispered.

“Honey, for twenty-two years you and me been together. Dere ain’t nothin’ I don’t knows if’n it be concernin’ you. ’Specially when I sees dat you be in love.”

“Oh, Lorelei,” Alana cried, “what am I going to do?”

Lorelei smiled. “I cain’t answer dat for you. But I knows dat no matter what you does, it won’t be no mistake.”

“Won’t it?” Alana asked.

“Only if’n you want it to be. Only if’n you thinks you be doin’ wrong. And ain’t nobody to tell you what be right or wrong ’ceptin’ you, Alana.”

“How can I love one man and wed another?” she asked quietly.

Wisely, Lorelei stayed silent.

“He’ll be gone soon,” she whispered after a moment.

Alana took a deep breath and stood. “I love you, Lorelei.”

“I knows dat, chile’,” Lorelei said, her voice breaking. Opening her arms, Lorelei took Alana to her large bosom and held her there for several long moments. When she released Alana, she stepped back. “I brung you a fine dinner, chile’. I thinks it be time you eat it.”